[eschuen]

I'm ashmed to say it but I don't believe this is going to work. To top it off my 2 sisters tell me I asked for it and now I'mstuck with it.

Let me go back a few years. I was about to re-marry after 15 years of being a bachelor. She died in a car accident. I was devistated. Lost my job, friends, and really didn't care to live myself. So I sold everything and bought an 18 wheeler. I was traveling al 48 states and slowly regaining my positive outlook on life.

Then my mom fell and broke her hip. Both my sisters then wanted to put her in a home. I said no way. I sold my truck and came here in Toledo to live with her and help her.

She recently fell again. This time did not break anything but they kept her in both the hospital and a rehabilition nursing home for nearly 6 weeks.

She is now home and not in very good shape. Her problems are not so much medical but of the personal hygene and being spoiled from the attention given her in the home.

She has the front room which she sits in all day long smelling like a dirty john, is constantly breaking something and is constantly calling for me to do something for her.

I'm a very mild spoken and easy going guy I can't open up to her knowing it would hurt her. I also cannot entertain anymore because of the odor and am ashamed of it.

Anone have a suggestion other than medication for myself

[Choux]

Her physician can order a series of visits from a nurse is she needs medical education or medical care, and along with this, she can have a bather who can come out and give her a bath. This is all paid for by Medicare. An individual cannot have a bather without having nursing visits.

For example, an individual may have been injured in an accident and is a paraplegic. This person can have nursing visits and baths as part of his healthcare.

It all depends on what is wrong with your mother and if a visiting Medicare nurse can be ordered for her condition.

By the way, I live in a large metropolitan area... I don't know what Medicare services are available in less urban areas.

[Chery]

Sorry it took so long to respond - I'm a senior too, have cancer, feel helpless sometimes,but still won't give up. It was not always this way though... so I know what I'm talking about.

Sorry to read about your problems..
IMO, this might be more psychological than physical. If your mom feels that she is not loved or respected, she might be giving up in a sense where she no longer cares - because she thinks nobody else does. How old is she?
We elderly people, though having lived our lives, raised our children as best as we could, still require the confirmation that we are needed, that we still have something to contribute - after working our butts off. If this confirmation is not given we give up in many ways such as rebelling as children used to do by demanding attention, and yes, purposely neglecting our hygene because we feel we no longer the need to care about ourselves if nobody else does. This may sound strange to you but makes perfect sense to her. We need to feel that we are still of value to our family and surroundings and it is only natural that depression will set in if that does not occur.
She may also feel that she is a burden to you, which might frustrate her and take away her self-respect and dignity. After all, being helpless and not in charge is degrading and does not give hope for a brighter future either. This is also a subconscious invitation to become a 'messy' and could get worse if she does not get help in gaining inner strength and assurance that she is still worth something to someone - could even be a young neighbor wanting to spend time and learn from her past experience - she needs a mission to feel human again. Otherwise she might just feel she's in a waiting room somewhere getting ready to depart and just is not ready yet. How would you feel in her shoes?
Get her into a conversation about her fears and angers and try to help her find a solution such as joining a group of seniors who might get her to feel a part of something worthwhile. If there is a community function that gets young and old together to share and just talk about life, this might also help her get her motivated.
Also, if she takes small steps toward bettering herself, such as combing her hair, wearing something clean, and wanting to wash herself, try your best to compliment her - that your are proud to get your 'old mom' back...
She held you while your were growing and hurting, now it might be your turn to hold and comfort. But as I said before, this will take some communication and sharing of how you both feel about the present situation. Have you tried inviting other older people over once a week so that they can talk and/or complain about the world, current events, weather -what have you... It is important for all seniors to have a place to vent, just as it is for teens, people with broken relationsips, no jobs, etc. There are hundreds of subjects - just don't let her have not even a single one she can share with others - that's like placing her in a closet or shelf - and which human wants that.
I sincerely hope that you find a way to make life easier for the both of you and wish you peace and warmth.

Happy Holidays!

[Wondergirl]

The hospital, rehab place, the county senior services center, and city senior centers should all be able to give you phone numbers of visiting nurses and caregivers and senior counselors. Medicare will help. If she's not old enough for Medicare, most of these will have a sliding scale based on her income.

Your mom needs to relearn how to help herself safely and to find out what tools she might need to do this (wheelchair, reacher-grabber, walker, cane, a portable commode to have next to her chair and/or bed, and all sorts of aids for the disabled). Here's a start:

East Toledo OH Sr. Activities Center
Director, Mary Wolff
419-691-2254
1001 White St.
Toledo, OH 43605
[email protected]

[450donn]

WOW, your story sounds exactly like ours. My wife's mom has lived with us for close to 30 years now. At 91 she was in really good health until this winter. She got a bad cold that would not end. Trip to the doctors and a few X-rays revealed, 1, breast cancer, 2 aneurism, 3, blood clots in both lungs and now, 4, she broke her foot/ankle. It has fallen on us to take her to the doctors hospitals, and get all her meds and also try and make sure that she takes them all as prescribed. That and work full time too. Not fun when they do now want to be taken care of. She has a son locally that has done nothing for her until very recently and he is finally taking her for some doctors appointments. And one daughter that has seen her once in over 25 years. All we can do is push on. Maybe you need to try and find some part time help to get through this time. At least you could get out a few hours a week then.

[helpneeded2010]

You have given me some valuable insight into how my Mom feels and hopefully, a way in which I can make her life better.