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losthusband · Oct 31, 2007, 06:12 PM

Pleasse help me if anyone can. As I have stated before my wife cheated on me several years ago. We are still together but I still have a lot of problems. I want to feel as if she wants me again but I can't get that from her. She went through great lengths to talk to this guy and even meeting him. She would call him during the night while I was asleep. He seemed to always be on her mind even on special days like my birthday. She treats me really good and is always willing to have morning sex with me. I need for her to make special efforts to show me that she wants me other than in the morning 30 minutes before I go to work. She watches TV all night when we are together but she never makes any attempt to love me. I am a nice looking guy and keep myself in shape and am also a good lover. I would try anything she wanted me to do but she never wants to do anything different except our usual early morning sex. I don't want to do anything to make her want me. I need to know it comes from her willingly and if not then it wouldn't help me. Am I wrong to want this extra special affection from her. I just want to feel like I am the most important man in her life. I haven't felt that in years. She says she loves me and tells me so every day and I tell her. Am I wrong to want this or do I just except how things are. I need to feel like her main man again.
Thanks,

zipper82 · Oct 31, 2007, 06:45 PM

Originally Posted by losthusband

Pleasse help me if anyone can. As I have stated before my wife cheated on me several years ago. We are still together but I still have a lot of problems. I want to feel as if she wants me again but I can't get that from her. She went through great lengths to talk to this guy and even meeting him. She would call him during the night while I was asleep. He seemed to always be on her mind even on special days like my birthday. She treats me really good and is always willing to have morning sex with me. I need for her to make special efforts to show me that she wants me other than in the morning 30 mins before I go to work. She watches tv all night when we are together but she never makes any attempt to love me. I am a nice looking guy and keep myself in shape and am also a good lover. I would try anything she wanted me to do but she never wants to do anything different except our usual early morning sex. I don't want to do anything to make her want me. I need to know it comes from her willingly and if not then it wouldn't help me. Am I wrong to want this extra special affection from her. I just want to feel like I am the most important man in her life. I haven't felt that in years. She says she loves me and tells me so every day and I tell her. Am I wrong to want this or do I just except how things are. I need to feel like her main man again.
Thanks,

I think you realize this more than you would essentially like to admit to it, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for your wife's actions. I commend you for staying and keeping the union intact, however, along with your forgiveness, you have agreed to accept the situation- the fact that she did commit adultery. What has happened since you have caught her? Did you change?

Based on the info provided, I would say that you too have been displaced. Yes you may have forgiven, however, have you ever stopped to think just how much you have been hurt by the situation? Can you say that you trust your wife just as much as prior to her cheating on you? Where do you stand with this cheating issue? Clearly, you are distraught, as anyone would be, especially if you have found out the extent to which she had been cheating i.e. you mentioned that she went through great lengths to see this man.

losthusband · Oct 31, 2007, 07:00 PM

Yeah, she called him all times of the day and night. I never expected a thing, I didn't think it could possibly happen. We were our first and only lovers. I want her to want me so much. She says she loves me but I need her to show me that I am worth everything to her. I really need that from her. It's just empty sex like it is now. After we make love I want her to hold on to me like she could never let me go. I just need to feel again. Thanks for your answer.

losthusband · Oct 31, 2007, 07:02 PM

You're right, I don't trust anymore. I hate cheating it makes me sick to even think about it.

Kadehadaire · Nov 1, 2007, 02:37 AM

You should be the only man in your wife's life. You should feel like you are the only one, and not have her mind on others. Maybe you could do something for her to show her you forgive her. She may be distant because of guilt or feeling awkward.

Good luck.

donf · Nov 1, 2007, 05:38 AM

Lost Husband,

Are you suspicious of her current actions? Every statement you've made indicates that the actions occurred are prior to your forgiving her. She's moved on already because of your forgiveness. It's time for you to honor your own words and get off the pot, so to speak.

Forgiving and forgetting are two very different things. One is relatively easy to do, the other is impossible.

You can not forget the past because of the pain you endured and the trauma. What you can do is stop looking for reasons to beat yourself up. Look for reasons to support your wife's statements that she is faithful to you again.

N0help4u · Nov 1, 2007, 08:25 AM

Has she gotten to be the type that is set in her ways like has a time and place for everything and the A.M. is your time, evening is TV time? If so it might not be something for you to take personal. She should be willing to talk to you, at least if she is being honest and up front.
In a good healthy relationship there is no reason a woman shouldn't want to talk to resolve issues in a marriage.
Have you asked her WHY she doesn't want to be bothered with you outside of the half hour?
Sometimes you have to take the initiative and make the first move, but that is harder
Cause then if she pushes you away you feel more rejection. Some times it is worth the try though.
Have you tried to change the routine by trying to do something different like maybe have a special dinner for the two of you and start it with some flowers or something special and then take it from there?

momincali · Nov 1, 2007, 09:03 AM

The previous posts do offer a lot of insight. Have you stopped to consider what is it that made her fall in love with you? What drew her to you? Before you ever had sex with her, what drew her to you? Were you more charming? Spontaneous? Considerate? What was it? Treat her like you're trying to date her all over again. I know it was her that cheated, and that was wrong any way you slice it, but you stated that you wanted to be the most important man in her life, so act like it. Give her a reason to want to be with you. Maybe it's something as simple as truly, TRULY, forgiving her. That means you stop thinking about what she did to you, you stop remembering. That's not the same necessarily as forgetting. It just that you don't draw on that memory, ever. Be fun. Talk. Get away for the weekend somewhere she likes. I'm not saying roll over and die and just let this be about her. But show her the attention that she's craving (cause she is craving it) and she'll purr like a kitten. I don't know where you stand on a spiritual level, but I would ask her to go to church with you. It's funny that sometimes we think we can resolve our issues without taking it to God. Oh and resolutions can be found with out him, just not the best resolutions. Just my 2 cents.