[thomas27]

I'm 20 yrs old. I fell absolutely in love with a young girl by accident. I felt too young (-4 yrs) but couldn't help my feelings. She told me everything I ever wanted to hear as if she read a book about me. I can read people very easily, but not her (at first). Almost two years went by of what seemed to be a "perfect relationship" when I found out she had been smoking and doing drugs, running around naked at parties, and had lied about who she was and where she's from. She tried to lie about it until I showed her proof (pics). I was heart broken and tried to leave her. She kept calling me and trying to get me back. I wrote a lot of her "mess" off as the age thing and was working through this (ive been noticing things). Putting 2+2 together (3 months later) I suspected a dark past which might explain the insecurity and the use of her body to get attention. I was right, she just broke down (tonight) and told me she was dissed by both parents all of her life and has been physically and sexually abused. I have always been great to her. I love her. But I'm not over her betrayal and now I'm trying to comfort her? She's not the perfect girl I've dreamed about and not who I fell in love with. The drugs, cheating, her past, and the overall betrayal all at once. She wants to build a future. I don't know if I can see that but I feel like she needs me now more than ever. Is it possible she really loves me and just couldn't show it due to her past?

[jeffatl]

I would be careful here. She LIED about A lot of things bro. Its called manipulation, and some people are great at it. I think you should just take a look at everything that has been going on, she could be b/sing you again here. She doesn't want to lose you, but she does want to control this situation. My EX lied about a lot of things too, and when I busted her on it, she always had some excuse for it. Her past actions don't really justify her actions in my opinion here buddy. If she had in fact gone through that horrible stuff in her life, why would she be running around naked at parties? Be careful, this girl doesn't sound like she can be trusted.

[fredg]

Hi,
I am so sorry to read this; because you have deep feelings for someone who, at this time, has more problems than most people can handle, or know what to do about.
If she has been sexually abused, she needs Professional help... you can't give that to her, unfortunately.
At 20 yrs old, many yrs ago, I was in love also, but she eventually found someone else. At this stage for you, you have a very difficult choice to make. You can either be her friend, but ONLY with the intentions of trying to get her to seek Professional help, or you can try your best to meet new people, and try getting her out of your mind.
If you decide to stay with her, it will be a very, very, tough road ahead.
It sounds to me like she is telling you the truth about herself, but as far as her actually "being in love" with you, is hard to tell.
If you can talk her into going to a Professional for help, such as maybe some type of counselor, they can guide her to a doctor who can help her. If she doesn't want to, then you are; I am sorry to say; fighting a losing battle, and will only be hurt much more later. I do wish you the best and hope it works out OK.

[s_cianci]

It doesn't sound like this girl is capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. I'd stay clear of her ; otherwise you're just setting yourself up for heartbreak and frustration. The things she's been through certainly call out for comapssion but that doesn't mean it's your job to play rescuer. You deserve and want someone who's stable and capable of giving and receiving true genuine love. That is not simply within this girl's capability right now and may never completely be within her capability. She's going to need extensive therapy to even faintly resemble being on the right track and unless you're a psychologist there's absolutely nothing you can do for her. Go on with your life and meet new people. Find someone who's got it all together ; that's what you need for a healthy, meaningful relationship.

[letmeno]

O.K. she lied, I know everyone is thinking that she is scum, she lied, deceived you, end of the disscussion. What I think is that you should at least hear her out.
You spent two years with this young lady. That has to count for something. How many times have you guy's met a woman that maybe you had no intentions of being in a real relationship with and told a little white lie or maybe a really huge lie? Sometimes these people that you so nonchalantly come across and you have no intentions of seeing the next day may end up a little more serious, and there you stand, having feelings for that person and still having to uphold the lie that got you two together in the first place. You have to tell a second lie to backup the first lie, a third lie to add credibility to the second lie, etc. etc. etc. Maybe she didn't intend on the relationship to get serious.
Thomas, how attractive would she have been the first night that you two met if she had of just laid all of the crap that she had endured in her life all out on the table for you? Everyone remember there are two sides to every story, and another side to every coin. Everybody deserves another chance. I am not saying forgive and forget, that is certainly not at all possible right about now. What I am saying is that she at least came clean about it and therefor that must account for something. After all, she could have even told a bigger lie and said the person in the pictures wasn't even her @ all.
Thomas, if you think that there is anything salvagable in this relationship, talk to her, hear her out, and get her the help that she is long overdue for. It is not going to be an easy thing to do by far but you have to start somewhere.

[Wildcat21]

Letmeno - she LIED! Hello? About EVERYthing! Running around with other guys etc.

And you think this is salvagable? No way.

This gal needs serious help. Years of therapy. I couldn't wish a gal like this on anyone.

She has ton of growing up to do and they may not be done until she is in her late 30's.

[thomas27]

>>> as far as her lies... it goes on and on... there are so many that I couldn't possibly post them all. Most of them are huge elaberate lies about weird dumb things that no one would bother lying about. its like she doesn't even know she lies. one of my biggest things is that she didn't "come clean", that would have helped me feel better about it, instead she kept lying and coming up with stories and excuses. She didn't "come clean" until I had so much evidence (ex. Pics of her in the act and talking to her friends and her mother) that she couldn't say anything else. That's what hurt the most is that she could easily do these things and then easily look me in the eye and lie (even after being busted). like "jeffatl" said, she's a manipulator. my guess is she's used that her whole life to fit in and that could be why she lies about things (like being a model).. . maybe one of you can find answers or clues in this strange behavior. Thanks again

[dimples]

Love cannot survive when you are always in doubt in a relationship. Once trust is broken, it is often hard to go back the way it was. Eventually, you become doubtful about everything she tells you that it will not be healthy for you both to stick together. Do yourself a favor & let her seek professional help.

[jeffatl]

>>> as far as her lies... it goes on and on... there are so many that i couldn't possibly post them all. most of them are huge elaberate lies about weird dumb things that no one would bother lieing about. its like she doesn't even know she lies. one of my biggest things is that she didn't "come clean", that would have helped me feel better about it, instead she kept lieing and coming up with stories and excuses. she didn't "come clean" untill i had so much evidence (ex. pics of her in the act and talking to her friends and her mother) that she couldn't say anything else. thats what hurt the most is that she could easily do these things and then easily look me in the eye and lie (even after being busted). like "jeffatl" said, she's a manipulator. my guess is shes used that her whole life to fit in and that could be why she lies about things (like being a model). ... maybe one of you can find answers or clues in this strange behavior. thanks again

Welcome to my world buddy, my EX would never come clean until I had hard proof like you. I agree with you about the whole "comming clean" thing as well. It really would have made me feel like she felt bad for doing what she did IF she told me herself. The thing you need to know is, manipulators will NEVER come clean, and they will ALWAYS make some sort of an excuse for their behavior instead of ownig up to it. I think you can calk a lot of that up to maturity as well, it takes a BIG person to admit when they have done something wrong, and own up to it. I feel for you bro, I really do. I know how it feels to be lied to over and over again, it SUCKS BIG TIME. Don't get down on yourself though, no matter what she says, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It sounds like this girl is a lot like my EX, she like attention from guys. That doesn't mean that she hooks up with them, but she sounds like the type of girl that has low self esteem, so she makes up things to build herself esteem. This is EXACTLY like my EX. She LOVES attention from guys, and that can lead to trouble, if you don't do EXACTLY what she wants and give her MASSIVE ammounts of attention, she will look for it elsewhere. It stinks buddy, but you can't trust girls like that. Love is tuff in situations like this, I would say leave her alone for a while (like at least a few weeks) NO CONTACT!! She what she does, how she acts. Be strong buddy, things will get better.

[letmeno]

What you guys maybe do not understand, just like smoking, drinking, biting your nails, and doing drugs, lying is a habit. We don't understand it of course, just like someone who does not smoke could never in a million years understand why someone would stand out in the cold just to smoke a cigarette. Yes, lying is a terrible deciteful thing but it is a habit and a bad habit to break. I did not tell Thomas to fall back into her arms but I see something that you guy's don't understand for the simple fact that I have dealt with someone who had this illness. She is sick... I am sure if she was able to tell him the truth @ any point in time, she would have. This is a question for Thomas, if she was strung out on drugs, and couldn't kick the habit and she came clean that she indeed had a drug habit, would you stick by her side and seek her the help that she so desperately needs or would you just throw her in the garbage? Me, personally, I don't have the patience to deal with this kind of crap, but He is clearly in love and torn up about the situation. Maybe after she gets help, she will be a totally different person, just like when a crack addict cleans himself up. Compulsive lying is an addiction just like drugs. There are self help groups for these kind of people.

[thomas27]

If she had a drug problem... yes, I would do anything to help her through it. However she would never own up to anything. She never has. You can't help someone that doesn't want help.
I see what your saying (lieing can be a habit) but that is something I don't have the patience for. After all I'm still not over her stabbing me in the back. She is going to leave that lieing/ dishonesty stuff in the past in order to pursue a future.
I feel like sticking by her side (in any situation) but I feel like she doesn't want to change for the right reasons. I think she would try to change for me (now) but I don't want that. She has to change for her self and that's what I really want.
sometimes i feel like im giving her way too many chances... chances i don't think she, or anyone, would ever give me.

[letmeno]

Then, you have your answer. You should leave. I made a mistake by sticking by someone knowing full well that I had not forgiven that person. It will make the rest of your relationship torture if you have not found it in your heart to forgive them. You are absolutely correct, if she has not owned up to the mistakes that she has made, and made an attempt to get help, even if you have offered to stick by her through this ordeal, then there is nothing else that you can do, your job is done. I was not sure what you were expecting or wanting out of her. You deserve happiness as well as every one of us do. You are right, if a person does not want to change for themselves, then changing for someone else does neither one of you any good because that is not what they truly want to do. I can't blame you one bit for not having patience for this, there are way too many people in this huge world that are on the same level and same page as you to waste precious moments trying to get someone else's mind right. Go and be happy, you had the answer to your question all the time within yourself
Good Luck Thomas!

[Wildcat21]

That's asking a lot Letmeno. He really would have to work with her. Doubt he could ever trust again - I couldn't,

He needs to tell to seek help one day - but not to day. This chick is crazy.

[thomas27]

Thanks again for your help, all of you. Everyone had some really great points and you helped me see things clearly now... so ( at least for now) I think I know the road I'll take with this one. If something else comes up I will deff post an update. Thanks

[expertinlove]

Thomas,
I think you need to give this all some really good thought. After all the girl did lie to you, BUT now when she's trying to tell you she wants to build a future like you said, you don't believe her. You need to choose buddy. If you can't trust her what's the point! Everything she will tell you is going to go over your head, and your going to act like you didn't hear it! Because you don't trust her. That sounds like the expert thing to do right? Well... I wouldn't do that personally. The person I'm with now lied about where he came from and who he really was and I did the same thing you did, But I came running back! You know what I'm glad I did. He really has changed and I love him more then I ever thought I did. Im glad I didn't runaway cause if I would have I would have missed out on him. If you love the girl don't let her go that easy, I know its hard but love doesn't come sit on your door step everyday! Maybe she really is changing for you! Don't be so stubborn and think she's lying all the time, that just makes it harder on YOU! Just go along for the ride, show this girl you fell in love with that you still care cause if you act like you don't care, she's going to ask herself why should I? Give this a lot of though before you ever make a decision, its going to be frustrating but it worked out for me. Just think of how she makes you feel when you ARE with her and having her by your side, without thinking of the bad times
Hope I could help!

[BabyBruchie]

Just think of what she might be in the future, what else she could possibly do with that kind of attitude. I would really find it hard to trust her again, let jer have a professional help.

[expertinlove]

Also... maybe you should let her know that life don't have to be that way. Not everyone is going to run out on her and physically hurt her. Show her that life doesn't have to be full of lies and people do care about her. Obviously you do! But don't make her think your there for her if you not... cause if you walk out on her because you change your mind, if she didn't do anything wrong. (this time) She might give up on herself. And I know I wouldn't want someone I care about to give up. It sounds like she has had some bad times, with people walking out on her and hurting her in ways Other people might not understand. But its all up to you. Think about it this way... If she really does change, what will you miss out on? And if she doesn't then you can always leave like you did the first time.

[expertinlove]

You already said you love the girl. But don't stay because you feel like she needs you now and then leave her when you think she's fine. Like I said I went threw this same thing. You have to be really strong, and you both have to give it your all. Talk to each other about how you feel and what your thinking it works even if its not what each other is wanting to hear. If you two make it threw this Thomas, you guys will be able to overcome anything else, beacause trust is the number one thing and if you make it there's nothing harder then that. I just really want to help you out, only since I've been threw this. And it sucks regretting something you didn't do. Yeah she may not be the perfect girl, no girl is perfect. I know I am one. I just really hope I'm giving you some sort of advice because what I went threw was the hardest thing I've ever been threw, and deciding weather or not to throw the one you love away and HOPE you fall in love again is risky, there's only that ONE our there for you. The way I see it what do you have to loose. Nothing but knowing that you were right and she ended up not changing in the end.
Good luck. Post us and tell us how it is going.

[DJ 'H']

Stand Back, Close the door and walk away - this is not a situation to stay involved in.

I started seeing this guy at 18 and thought the absolute world of him. He seemed genuine enough, had the flash car, a wonderful loving family and a very caring & protective sort of guy. The sort of guy every girl dreams about. It was until 9 months later when the cracks started to show and I realised I did not know him at all. He got drunk on several occasions and things came out of his mouth that was toatlly shocking. I witnessed him snort coke and take pills and eventually I began to discover the real him. He started mentalling abusing me and minipulating me, he lied all the time to the point where he just wore me down; he had an answer for everything he lied about and some how I was always to blame. He moulded me into someone I wasn't - my friends did not recognise me. I lost all my confidence, I felt uncomfortable being around people and I felt like all I had was him. Things got worse as time went on and it came close him using violence on me many times. I was so distraught that I did not know which way to turn but I did not see anyway out. I was with him for two years. He cheated on me with my best friend and was seen with several other girls and he was so horrible. Thankfully I managed to get out - but it took my family & friends to help me. He even came back shortly after we split up trying to force money out of me and tried smashing my head into his car door etc. It has taken me a year & half to get back to being the outgoing, bubbley performer that I am and to move on with my life And even though I have met someone now who is the total opposite and treats me wonderfully - I still have my reservations & doubts that the same is going to happen to me all over again. It's so hard to trust anyone anymore. I am 21yrs of age now. My advice to you is to leave well alone - I would not wish for anyone to go through what I did and I can guarantee that this girl is the female version on my ex. Don't do it to yourself - get out there and meet someone that deserves you and that can treat you with respect. Don't settle for her - you can do much better! You know this deep down otherwise you would not have turned to here for help & advice!!

[thomas27]

I agree with Djh ---> Stand Back, Close the door and walk away - this is not a situation to stay involved in.... I can't respect her, I can't trust her, and I can't see any future in this... but at the moment I can't walk away. I still care and I enjoy being around her. Is being her friend bad? Is that normal... I mean most people wouldn't want to be friends with someone who lies and plays games. I just feel like now (unlike before) I know who she really is, so I don't approach it the same. I don't feel the same. Its like she's stabbed me in the back and I couldn't care less. It is still a really messed up situation. I am still really confused about it. Any suggestions?