[51days]

so I'm losing my ing mind
I question everything. At times I'm totally woried that something is controlling my actions
not nessesarly they are but it always presents it self as a posibility especily when I try something new. I'm always afraid that there's something messing with my head and I can't explain it. I can't tell if this is a beleaf or a thought but eather way it tends to hold me back.
I can't get out to do anything for a few reasons one I don't feel like I belong any where two I always feel like if I end up being happy its just me faking it because I'm always misrable any other time, which is whenever I'm alone,
I don't go out for this reason because I am misrable and frankly can't get my out of bed

I'm misrable because I don't feel like I belong anywhere and this isn't just a game in my head I really don't. I have nothing in comon with anyone

I feel totally hopless I feel like my life is waisting away and there's nothing I can do about it
I don't beleave that things could get better, I'm scared of everything I'm scared of what people will think of me I'm scared of how I'm going to feel

just last weekend I went and played poker with a few people, I can't remember what set it off it had something to do with the first thing I mentiond something someone said that I relaited to myself I went outside and stayed there for the rest of the night my close friend kept coming out to see if I was OK it wasn't tilll the end of the night he noticed I was in tears I talked to him, because I trust him I explaind a lot of stuff but he didn't seem to really understand

my mom knows what's going on and last night she actuly said to me that she's sick of me being like this she said that my dad only has to see me when I'm happy and she never has any way of knowing when I'm going to be pissed off or in a good mood. My dad only sees me once a month because of the way I feel all the time

its ruining my freindships which I don't even value at alll because I don't feel I belong

I serosly can't get over my ex girlfriend and I bleave that being with her was the only thing that would have made me happy I never had trouble going out when I was with her

I'm seeing a theripest later this month but I'm not shur if it will help
I don't have a reason to be happy. Like yea I have a mom who loves me a dad who loves me and friends who care but. But I don't value any of it it maters not I look at my future and I see nothing

no I see me living in an apartment alone with nothing in there but a bed and a ing TV. Me pumped up on anti depressents going to work in the morning coming home watching TV alone going to work the next morning watching TV alone over and over and over
that's not any kind of excistence, I wish I could explain this better because I really need someone to understand and I really need to talk about this but I can't I don't even know how I'm going to explain this to my theripest

I think about killing myself constantly, I mean I was on my way to work this morning and I was just like why the am I even bothering. I'm convinced I'm going to end up killing myself soon. I don't know when but I know its going to happen

I hate saying this but I seriosly miss my girlfriend I mean shur there's a lot of about her but the fact is she mad me happy. A little taste of paridice to show me how much my I hate my life. I don't even know where I'm getting with this
I shouldn't feel like this I have know child hood trama I don't live in third world countries


just to add on this I'm 20 years onld I haven't graduated every time I try I seem to fail every time I try anything it ends up badly I feel OK for about4-5 days then I go out then I come home then after a day or 2 I feel like this for about another 5 days. I've been in this for about 6 days strait now I've had suicide running through my head for 6 days including alll the that I said at the biginging (which is very vauge)

I'm ing lost I'm hopless I have nothing to ocupie my time I have no one to be around and feel like I actuly belong, I feel like I'm being controlled to some extent and if I try something its going to get slaped in my face.

EVERYTHING...

thank your for listining if you did read it I feel a little better but I know in a few min I'm going to feel like again as I sit there watching TV I know exactly what's going to go through my head and bamb I'm back to the way I was someone ing save me cause I can't do it

[deist]

so im loosing my ing mind
i question everything. at times im totaly woried that something is controling my actions
not nessesarly they are but it always presents it self as a posibility especily when i try something new. im always afraid that theres something messing with my head and i can't explain it. i can't tell if this is a beleaf or a thought but eather way it tends to hold me back.
i can't get out to do anything for a few reasons one i dont feel like i belong any where two i always feel like if i end up being happy its just me faking it because im always misrable any other time, which is whenever im alone,
i dont go out for this reason because i am misrable and frankly can't get my out of bed

im misrable because i dont feel like i belong anywhere and this isnt just a game in my head i realy dont. i have nothing in comon with anyone

i feel totaly hopless i feel like my life is waisting away and theres nothing i can do about it
i dont beleave that things could get better, im scared of everything im scared of what people will think of me im scared of how im gona feel

just last weekend i went and played poker with a few people, i can't remember what set it off it had something to do with the first thing i mentiond something someone said that i relaited to myself i went outside and stayed there for the rest of the night my close friend kept coming out to see if i was ok it wasnt tilll the end of the night he noticed i was in tears i talked to him, because i trust him i explaind alot of stuff but he didnt seem to realy understand

my mom knows whats going on and last night she actuly said to me that shes sick of me being like this she said that my dad only has to see me when im happy and she never has any way of knowing when im gona be pissed off or in a good mood. my dad only sees me once a month because of the way i feel all the time

its ruining my freindships which i dont even value at alll becasue i dont feel i belong

i serosly can't get over my ex girlfriend and i bleave that being with her was the only thing that would have made me happy i never had trouble going out when i was with her

im seeing a theripest later this month but im not shur if it will help
i dont have a reason to be happy. like yea i have a mom who loves me a dad who loves me and friends who care but. but i dont value any of it it maters not i look at my future and i see nothign

no i see me living in an appartment alone with nothing in there but a bed and a ing tv. me pumped up on anti depressents going to work in the morning coming home watching tv alone going to work the next morning watching tv alone over and over and over
thats not any kind of excistence, i wish i could explain this better because i realy need someone to understand and i realy need to talk about this but i can't i dont even know how im gona explain this to my theripest

i think about killing myself constantly, i mean i was on my way to work this morning and i was just like why the am i even bothering. im convinced im gona end up killing myself soon. i dont know when but i know its gona happen

i hate saying this but i seriosly miss my girlfriend i mean shur theres a lot of about her but the fact is she mad me happy. a little tast of paridice to show me how much my i hate my life. i dont even know where im getting with this
i shouldnt feel like this i have know child hood trama i dont live in third world countries


just to add on this im 20 years onld i havent graduated everytime i try i seem to fail every time i try anything it ends up badly i feel ok for about4-5 days then i go out then i come home then after a day or 2 i feel like this for about another 5 days. ive been in this for about 6 days strait now ive had suicide runing through my head for 6 days including alll the that i said at the biginging (which is very vauge)

im ing lost im hopless i have nothing to ocupie my time i have no one to be around and feel like i actuly belong, i feel like im being controled to some extent and if i try something its gona get slaped in my face.

EVERYTHING...

thank your for listining if you did read it i feel a little better but i know in a few min im gona feel like again as i sit there watching tv i know exactly whats gona go through my head and bamb im back to the way i was someone ing save me cause i can't do it

The problems you describe certainly sounds symptomatic of some kind of mental illness, perhaps a psychosis or a personality disorder. You need some kind of therapy with a psychologist & maybe a psychiatrist too.

[babigirl1]

If you would set back and read what you wrote here. You would see that you have depression. A feeling of hopelessness and feeling of emptiness. A feeling of worthlessness. These are all signs of major depression. You say you get this way for several days than you come out of it and you get out and do something with your friends and that this just makes it worse on you in the long run. Listen no matter what you do, things aren't going to get better for you until you get some help from a doctor , maybe you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. It could be a lot of things going on with you. But you did the right thing. By reaching out to others and telling what is going on with you. You need to see your therapist, so PLEASE keep your appointment. Go in there with an open mind and just let it all out. If you don't tell them what is going on with you they won't be able to help you. I hope this helps you some. Do you have plans to kill yourself ? If you do than you need to get help right now. No matter how you are feeling right now. Nothing is worth taking your own life. You are 20 years old and you have a purpose for being on this earth. I am 40 so I have been here twice as long as you have and yes I have been where you are so I can say. If you want help... it is out there. A great thing to do is to start a journal. Write your thoughts down. It does help and take it with you when you see your therapist. But please don't give up, things do get better

[51days]

That journals a good idea my biggest fear is getting in there and really not remembering what's going through my head when I feel like this. I'm OK right now I usuly seem to feel better around 10:00 10:30 ish I don't know why maby cause I know I can go to sleep whenever I want for a full night as opposed to my 3-4 h naps which I only really take to kill time, which sounds pathetic but that's actuly what I do... I feel like I'm just waiting for the end, making everything before hand absoulutly pointless. As I was wrighting that I noticed a lot more then I have before that I do need help just like you said "If you would set back and read what you wrote here."

And baby girl that bit about a journal is a good idea ill keep that in mind I'm feeling OK right now so I should be OK for a few days but come the weekend...

[babigirl1]

I used a journal for years. There is just something about writing it down that just makes it not seem so bad. And for this weekend... Go into it with positive thoughts. Do something you have always wanted to do , but never had the chance. That would help you a great deal

[pinkface92]

Hey I can totally relate. I know it's a horrible feeling being so depressed, but I think you have depression. You should get it checked out before you get 2 hooked on the thot of suicide. Trust me its not somewhere you want to be. Well I hope you feel better!!

[51days]

Baby girl thanks for that journal advice for the first time I've been able to actuly put my thought proses in words that I can even understand. I honistly can't thank you enough
For the first time I really do want to get help and feel that I willl actuly be able to convay my full feelings to my docter making it actuly seem like I will be able to get help. Its in aformat that actuly makes sense

Just if your curios

Its quite long but for the first time things kind of seem like they make sense

Woke up for work at about 430
On the way to work I started thinking what the hell is the point
In going like seriosly I'm not going anywhere ill never find people
I feel comfortable around like I had before ill never fit in anywhere
I'm going to spend the rest of my life in this state of mind
Shur maby ill be happy on some drug of somesort but will I have
Any real reason to be happy? How long will I be able to fool
Myself for if I'm just going to kill myself in the end why bother?

I sat down for a bit cryd a tear or 2 and trecked on.

Work wasn't to bad except for the constant thought of
Wow theas converstations suck I hate talking about work that's
Totally ing lame is this how I'm going to have to live the rest of
My life go to work come home talk about work... LAME... just like
The fat sitting next to me. Genraly speaking though I wasn't
In to bad of a mood. Work ends I'm alrigt he bought me lunch and
Gave me a few extra hours. I couldn't help but think that he
Just wanted a friend.

I cash my check and go home, knowing full well that all I'm going to do
Is go to sleep there's nothing there for me but where else am I
Supposed to go there really isn't anything anywhere for me
So I go anyway not thinking too much about suicide I go home
And go out to get a pack of cd rw to make a few cds of
It doesn't end up working this is desgouraging so I go to sleep
I wake up but lai in bed for a while with any luck
Ill fall asleep, I don't so I get up and watch TV listin to some
Music wath TV... this is so depressing I have nothing
Its been like this for knows how long I get out once every
2 weeks and that's to get drunk. I'm not in the mood to go out
Right now so I sit around feeling sory for myself.
I go on to askmehelpdesk.com for some one to talk to. The whole
Time feeling like I'm a ing idiot complaining about a life

I start feeling better around 10 I know that at this point I can
Go to sleep whenever I don't have to wory about being depressed
Because I can just go to bed if I do

11 30 francis calls me tells me some about
Hey we should hang out again remember desirees a
I can't seem to figure out what she's trying to pull
Wasn't long ago she
Ed at me online about aperently spreading roumers about anthony
And told me to leave dez alone cause I'm creeping her out even
Thought I haven't made any contact sense I asked her what she
Wanted a good 3 weeks ago she's been blocked and deleated
She also said its ova what the then she calls me I latter
Find out franklen doesn't like desiree and that she might have been
Sencer I can't know for shur I'm pretty shur she was there when
They called me about the blow job
I'm also thinking that maby it was desiree on franklens account
Trying to se what ill say but I responded and franklen didn't
Seem wireded out by it she was offline at this time
Why am I thinking about his so ing much I'm going to bed now

If you did read it please tell me if I'm on the right track here

[babigirl1]

When you journal you write what ever comes to your mind at that moment. There is no right or wrong way to do this. It is your thoughts and once you put them on paper they seem to not be so much in your head going around and around. I am very happy that I could help you.
One more idea for you
Once you have written it all down and you feel you can let it go,
Burn it and send it out into the universe
Set it free. This helped me a lot. Or you could bury it and let it die.

Another one for you
Take a blake sheet of paper and fold it long ways
On the front write all the positive things you like about yourself and the positive things in your life. Number them

Now on the inside
Right side
Write down the things you don't likeabout yourself and your life
Number them as well

Now carry this list with you everywhere you go and when you think of something you forgot to list or something new happens... add it to the list

Now .
Read from the list of things you don't like and if it is something you can't change than mark a line through it.
One has to understand we can't make everything better
After you have done this
Turn back to the front and read everything you listed good
And the reason for this is that it will help you to let go of what you can't change
And give you happy thoughts
And when you are ready
Go to the first thing on the dislike list and start to change this, if it takes you week , months, no matter how long it takes. Do this for yourself
And when you feel you want to give up read from the good list to give you stringht to work hard on changing this. Continue to do this until you are done with your dislike list.

You may at any time add one to the either of these list. I have done this as well and I still do this from time to time. It helped me a lot

[njett566]

Hey I'm 16 and I've tried killing myself before and lett me tell you what>>>!! Its NOT worth it I'm now seeing a psycologist and its and o guick fix but it help I advise you to try that and if you need it meds ca help so much too
Hang in there

[51days]

Thanks a lot ill do that babygirl and thank you all for your suport I don't really have anywhere to turn.