[kiowas]

My son, Tiponi passed away in Dec. 2004. My shield of numbness is gone from me. I feel alone on the subject of death as no one here will talk about it or my son, Tiponi. If I mention his name the subject is quickly changed. If I have a moment of crying because I miss him so... my boyfriend practically runs for the door. There is no support here. I have been told men deal with this issue differently than woman. Is it really so much to want to be held and hear that this pain l lesson? I have faced all of my emotions, learning to "grow" from here on my own. The holidays are creeping upon up as is the month of his departure which makes the process of healing a bit more difficult. I have held my head up, supported my other children throung this difficult time but there are times that the walls around me fall and my heart becomes exposed to the realities that I am human.

[kiowas]

I forgot to add that my sons (Tiponi) death was ruled as a suicide. I strongly believe his life was taken by someone other than himself. If anyone has any ideas or receives any messages of this matter please let me know.
The night he passed. I envisioned Tiponi in a corn field. He was kneeling as if praying and then he put his hands up as if in defense then he fell over. I knew somehow where he was but I could not get there. It was very odd for him to be at this place. I feel someone called and asked Tiponi to meet them there. I knew he was gone from earth. He came to me soon after my vision. It appeared he was wearing a robe of many brilliant colors. I was numb and filled with grief because I knew my Tiponi was gone. The police who investigated will not listen to anything that I have to say concerning the matter. Tiponi has come to me and his younger sister, He asks us to "help him". He says, "Find him. Please stop him he is going to kill her". Then we envision the corn field. I have been to the cornfield but I feel I am to emotional to get a clear picture of anything. Tiponi was not actually found in the corn field he was found on the side of a rode next to a corn field. For some reason I feel Tiponi keeps directing us "in" the cornfield. We have walked it many times and found nothing out of the ordinary. As I said, my connections with Tiponi are very strong but the messages are jumbled.

[fredg]

Hi,
At 63 yrs old, married 28 yrs, neither my wife or I have ever experienced the loss of a son or daughter... and hope we never do. Close friends have, and the pain is great, especially around holidays.
Are you a church goer? If so, please talk with a minister, priest, or other. If you don't go to church, please go. Talking with others really helps, especially if it's a minister.
Visions and/or dreams are simply things that you are really worried about; they don't always come true.
Please talk with a professional about it, like a minister. Also, you might check in your local phone book for group meetings, free, concerning loss of children.

[shenda]

The especially hard notion to embrace... let go and let God. It is as if we feel that if we let go, then we did not care or love, but to the contrary... if we let go we exercise our faith in the Sovereign counsel of God to obtain purpose, to see good in our darkest hour. As you have mentioned, the vibes are strong but somehow there is something lacking to make the connection viable.

You are an exceptional mother who must learn to allow others to cope with the issues of their own pain and allow yourself to be forgiven by yourself because there remained nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. You must know when things are out of your control, more importantly now, you must release yourself through forgiveness in order to make the connection viable between what your son is conveying to you. If you remain anxious, you will not be of a sober mind; hence, misunderstanding the direction and leading of your son. However, at some point, you want to release him so that his spirit will rest... be careful, if you choose to progress in this vain, allow not yourself to be overwhelmed by darkness because you remain in the light. Know that not everyone around you will feel what you feel it is impossible for that to be, yet you must not allow the fact that you are deemed a strong one, thus you carry the burdens for many and yet there are few who can carry the burden for you, thus you must learn to rec'v the help that comes from above, for He is greater than all and able to fortify you strong. Forgive those who are not able or willing to help share in your load, think about it, the way some of them handle their own problems, would you truly want to invest the sanctity of your well being and mental health in their hands. Probably not... so seek your help from a higher realm... let it become the Source of your strength.

[kiowas]

fredg,
I have been in contact with a councilor who is also a minister. He is very "open" in his beliefs. Thank you so much for your words of comfort.

[kiowas]

Shenda,
What you say does hold truths. I feel that "parents" (most of us anyways) have the need to fix "all" in our chidrens lives. We want to be "pillows" to soften the blows that life deals them. There are some situations in life that none can stop. The day my son passed. My oldest daughter wept like no other time before. I wanted to remove her pain and the helplessness that I felt was almost as unbearable as watching her suffer. I realize at times we all must journey on rodes that are not so pleasant. I am also aware our children must be free to navigate their own journey.
It was not difficult for me to let my older children move forward and get their own place. What is difficult is when they suffer. The instincts to protect kick in. I fully believe Tiponi is with god, he is safe in his arms. I have been told by a medium who works cases for the police that Tiponi is a "Guardian of Children". This would surely suite the person Tiponi was here on earth. She said, Tiponi is not ill at ease and he does have many messages for me. But I must learn to gain strength through what has happened so I can receive his messages. I don't know how, to calm my inner self that is. I feel I have but obviously I have not.
Thank you for your comfort.

[Chery]

Sorry it took me so long to reply to you and your need of help for someone to be there for you. I am truly sorry that you had to go through this loss as it strikes those of us left behind more. I think that you two had some undone or unsaid issues that you are still struggling with sometimes. I too have a child and the worst thing that can happen to a parent is to outlive one's offspring. You are doing the right thing by being there for your other children - some parents go totally crazy and don't even realize the needs of the 'survivors'.
I can well understand the still-existing bond between you - it will always be there, that I'm certain of, as I too am a believer of contact with loved ones not on this earth any longer. Some think of this as illogical, but those of us who go through it know better, and once they experience this they will believe also. There is one smalll difference between you and I though, I don't intentionally seek contact and when it comes, it's usually a foreboding of caution for me and my daughter's safety and when heeded is always on the mark.
If you looked at the 'robe' and saw multicolors, this is a better indication than black (for darkness and emptiness) or red (for blood and pain). The next time you see this picture keep the colors in mind and try to interpret them. Since your focus was more on the colors (and strongly) the other 'indications' could have been interpreted too fast by you. As this time of the year comes closer, you will probably get the chance to 'pick up' on this again and take a closer look, as colorful is a meaning of 'giving' or 'well intentions' . This might hurt - but did you consent to an autopsy? And did you get a copy of this document? If you can force yourself to read it and there are no indications of 'outside' interference, your son might have had an interaction with a stronger spirit that he could not overcome. If it is of any comfort to you, I don't think one would go out on an empty road to commit suicide either - it would be a place of comfort, or a place frequently visited to feel at peace. But we must also understand that those things that happen usually have a purpose, for now and in the future.
On the issue of your boyfriend and others, please don't be too judgemental, as most men are raised to be 'fixers', and when they cannot 'fix' something for you, they get the feeling of helplessness and frustration, that makes most run away, or turn aggressive. This is only natural. Talk to him and tell him you understand that he cannot fix this for you, but that you'd like to be held physically and emotionally. This will also ease the pain of his helplessness. As far as the others around you go, leave them out of this particular part of your life as they probably don't know how to handle the situation other than 'running' away from it as well. They will come around when they feel the time appropriate to them, which varies from person to person. Please keep a close eye on your daughter, she might be thinking of a wrong road to take, as I think that's what your son is trying to tell you. However, if this does not show up again on the 'anniversary' of his departing, then it is no longer an issue. Feel the vibrations within yourself and your surroundings especially during this period and maybe in the cornfield. If you start feeling a little peace, then please accept this as a message from your son to go on with your present life and that he's content with his soul.
Again, please accept my tardiness as I too had to think strongly about my 'guardian angels' to get the appropriate state of mind to convey this to you. A lot of people around me think that I don't have all of my 'marbles' sometimes, but when I prove them wrong they take me serious and no longer think I'm on 'drugs' - which I am for cancer, but my mind is very healthy and clear and it brings be contentment when I can help them as well.
I hope that this consoles you somewhat, I cannot take all your pain from you, no human can. Stick to your beliefs if they have never steered you wrong so far, and take care of you and your children. Please keep us posted and try to help others, this sometimes takes a lot of hurt from you as well. All my warmest wishes for you and yours!

[kiowas]

Chery,
There is no need for apologies I greatly appreciate your words of kindness and the support you have given. Thank you.
I receive messages from others that are very "clear" I believe the problem I have with receiving messages from Tiponi that are "clear" is, I am his Mother. I was advised by another (ramaire - please forgive the spelling error) to clear my mind, calm it down. This advice as well as yours and the others who have been very supportive has helped me a great deal.
As for the colors that surround Tiponi they were/are yellow, orange, green (light), blue (light), pink and white. I have been told these colors are a sign that he is a strong "guardian of children" and that he is in a traquil place. I have never seen any image, message, vision with these colors before with any other that I have had contact with. I don't summon or will images or communication of any kind it just comes to me. My son Tiponi (did while here), my daughter Chanoa and my young daughter Katchina see and receive messages as well.
A darkness was blanketing our home. I had someone come in and do a house blessing after the house blessing the darkness seemed to grow angry. I was warned that there was a very dark spirit here and it would fight to stay in our home. About three months after the house blessing Tiponi started to look very ill. He had become very pale, his eyes appeared to be sunk in and he had dark circles under his eyes. The doctors said they could find nothing medically or psychologically wrong with him. He began meditating more then usual this went on for about two months then he began to look a lot better. He said he had started blocking whatever was here from himself. He said he did not know who or even what it was Tiponi just said there was a lot of negative energy and it was extremely cold. I realize all of this can seem/sound very bizzar. I felt that the presence was Tiponis uncle who had passed, not to speak ill of the departed but his uncle was a rather un-savery person and had taken many lives while still alive himself. About six-seven months after Tiponi passed the (darkness) seemed to go away. A medium said, it is still here just dormant. She (the medium) also said, Tiponi and I are very close but that this darkness is causing a block between us. She said when she was here she felt as if it was trying to block her from Tiponi.
I don't necessarily feel that this "dark energy" had anything to do with Tiponis departure. I feel his life was taken by someone who was VERY close to him. When Tiponi left the house that night he was wearing one outfit when he was found he had on something different. His sun glasses (they had personal meaning for him) and his eye glasses were never found. The gun was a good distance from his body. There were also many prevarications told by one who was very close to Tiponi and I could not understand why they would do this other than they were hiding something. I have placed the finding of truths within gods hands so I could begin healing. I wasn't getting anywhere with the police/detectives. It was best for me to take the messages I received from Tiponi and jot them in my journal. I figure if enough evidence that his life was taken is there I will move forward.
As to those in my life I guess perhaps the problem is is I have always been the one that everyone comes to for guidance, support, a shoulder, etc. I have always been the strong one. I have been the one needed never in-need. I suppose all felt I was able to cope on my own. I am not angry with them I guess I just naively expected them to know.
My daughter Chanoa, is a model and I worry about the dealings she has with photographers. One (photographer) in particular gave me a bad feeling he didn't say or do anything out of line or the ordinary, I just got a very uneasy feeling about him. Chanoa does not go to him any more but this does not mean he is not lurking in the shadows. My young son is one whom I am worried most about. I feel he is not telling me of his ditress over his brothers demise. He talks to me very openly then he sort of clams up. I will continue to support him and his brother and sisters through this very trying time.
I feel from talking to you and others here that the weight has been lightend. Worry not, these are not tears of sadness rather tears of joy, relief and comfort that you have sent me. Thank you.
Though I am very grateful for all that you have done for me I would like for you to direct your positive energy toward yourself and healing. There are those that need you and who will need you later. I send prayers and tranquil blessings, Anna

[Chery]

Dearest Anna, you picked up a lot on what your purpose was, but now you have another - this is the healing process for you and your children. You needed someone - and always have, but they were not physically there for you, or you did not tune in to them as you were very busy 'being there' for others. Now it's time for you to do some leaning. That is one of the reasons it is all 'hitting' you so hard at once. Like I said, men are fixers by nature, tell your b/f that you just need him to be there and hold you - this will pass on some of his strength to you.

The colors you described are positive colors and could mean that you should be reassured somewhat that your son is safe now, even though sometimes hidden from you by others, but they can no longer harm him. Once you've gained your strength back you can be ready for placing a protecting aura around your other children - so don't forget your continual healing process - it's important to you all.
Don't worry, the cause of your son's demise will not go unpunished, now or in the hereafter.

Please don't concern yourself with me, I'm a 'survivor' and receive my strength from those I have mentioned before. They do remind me that I can only do so much and that I must keep some strength for myself - and I promise I will listen. P.S. I alternate between white and dark blue candles to augment the positive energy in my house when I need it.

Please keep in touch, we will be here for you any time.

[kiowas]

Chery,
Thanks again for your support. As I'm sure you can imagine there are good days and not so good days no matter how much meditation and positive thinking I do.
I was asked to go to a deep meditation on Halloween night. A group of people get together and meditate and try to contact the departed. I declined. Something inside said, "not now". My friend wasn't to happy with me as she and I had never been to anything of this nature before and she didn't want to go without someone she didn't know but, I do usually go with my instincts. For some reason it just didn't feel right to me.
It is awesome the way your guardian angels watch over you. The way you pick up on them is a real blessing for you and your loved ones. I believe there are many gifts out of the ordinary that we as humans have if we only free ourselves to acknowledge them. My boyfriend, on the other hand believes that if you can communicate with the departed or any other aspect of the supernatural exsists in your life your either on some serious drug trip or you are just plain crazy. He believes when you die that's it your gone. You are no longer here in any form or manner. Although he has had experiences in this house and other places he believes that there is a perfectly logical explanation for them. He doesn't care for me to meditate. I have to do this while he is at work or out and about. If I meditate while he is here he constantly interrupts me. I was doing a meditation for a very young girl who was hemorrhaging. The doctors could not stop it they gave her parents the news that she only had a day or two to live. She had gone in to have a bad tooth pulled there were complications. Anyway while in deep meditation my boyfriend came in and inetrupted the entire process. After he left the room I went back to meditating. I felt confident that the young girl may pull through. The next day the right side of my face was swallon as well as the right side of my neck. My doctor perscribed antibiotics and ran blood tests, nothing showed up in my tests. My face and neck was swollen for over a week. Do you think it may be possible that due to the break in my meditation I some how brought her illness to myself? This has never happened to me before after a healing meditation. P.S. The young girl is home now and doing well. Don't know if it was gods use of me as a tool to heal or the meds the doctors gave her. Either way I am glad she survived.
I hope all is well with you and your family. I strongly feel you will pull through this. I am sure you have sprinkled a hopeful heart upon many and you will continue to do so for many years to come.
Blessings, Anna

[Chery]

Chery,
Thanks again for your support. As i'm sure you can imagine there are good days and not so good days no matter how much meditation and positive thinking I do.
I was asked to go to a deep meditation on Halloween night. A group of people get together and meditate and try to contact the departed. I declined. Something inside said, "not now". My friend wasn't to happy with me as she and I had never been to anything of this nature before and she didn't want to go without someone she didn't know but, I do usually go with my instincts. For some reason it just didn't feel right to me.
It is awesome the way your guardian angels watch over you. The way you pick up on them is a real blessing for you and your loved ones. I believe there are many gifts out of the ordinary that we as humans have if we only free ourselves to acknowledge them. My boyfriend, on the other hand believes that if you can communicate with the departed or any other aspect of the supernatural exsists in your life your either on some serious drug trip or you are just plain crazy. He believes when you die thats it your gone. You are no longer here in any form or manner. Although he has had experiences in this house and other places he believes that there is a perfectly logical explanation for them. He doesn't care for me to meditate. I have to do this while he is at work or out and about. If I meditate while he is here he constantly interrupts me. I was doing a meditation for a very young girl who was hemorrhaging. The doctors could not stop it they gave her parents the news that she only had a day or two to live. She had gone in to have a bad tooth pulled there were complications. Anyways while in deep meditation my boyfriend came in and inetrupted the entire process. After he left the room I went back to meditating. I felt confident that the young girl may pull through. The next day the right side of my face was swallon as well as the right side of my neck. My doctor perscribed antibiotics and ran blood tests, nothing showed up in my tests. My face and neck was swollen for over a week. Do you think it may be possible that due to the break in my meditation I some how brought her illness to myself? This has never happened to me before after a healing meditation. P.S. The young girl is home now and doing well. Don't know if it was gods use of me as a tool to heal or the meds the doctors gave her. Either way I am glad she survived.
I hope all is well with you and your family. I strongly feel you will pull through this. I am sure you have sprinkled a hopeful heart upon many and you will continue to do so for many years to come.
Blessings, Anna

Thank you for your blessings, Anna. Something must have worked right as I was able to sleep more than the usual 3 hours yeterday. What you did for that young lady was helpful, even if just plainly through your positive attitude, so never let that go. Your swelling probably was an indication that you were taking on too much while not strong enough, or due to the interruption. Your b/f should meet someone like ranieri from this forum, he would change his mind quick, but if this is not in the 'cards' then just let him be himself - and when he holds you, gain strength from him without hinting the spiritual need to him - he won't know the difference until he's ready to open up. My b/f is the same, logical, sensible (he thinks) and a 'fixer'. And what he can't see, does not exist, but maybe that's what I need to keep my beliefs on an even scale and not go overboard.
I'm glad the young lady is better and I think you had a lot to do with it, but there is also a possibility that she was given pain meds that had too much blood thinner in it which is not good, or she took too many aspirins before having the tooth extracted - this can cause the symptoms she had also. Unfortunately, not many patients are advised not to take aspirins at least 10 days before any surgical procedure as they can cause bleeding such as she had, but to stop it after it happens is another issue. Your inner feelings of not going to the meeting were for a reason, and as I said when I follow mine, I do well, when I don't listen, things go wrong - you did the right thing. There is a right time and a wrong time for everything, it's all in choices we make.

Thank you!

[kiowas]

Chery,
I have come to accept the fact that things between my boyfriend and I are beyond the point of fixing. We have been together thirteen years. He is very distant. I figured if ever he would be able to reach out beyond himself it would be at the time Tiponi passed. This did not happen. He became worse as he and my mother both fought to have Tiponis death about them and only them. My children were not able to go to either my mother nor their father. It was not that they were even greiving they just could not stand for attention to be directed else where. The only time he holds me is in a sexual way. He does not hold our children either.
When I finally went to the field for the first time my boyfreind caused a scene because I was not focusing all around him. It was difficult to be there but myself and my older daughter really wanted to go. We ended up leaving because of his behavior. He is very jealous and has to have controlover every aspect of my life. I received an award and was unable to attend because he could not stand that this was not about "him".
Indeed there is a darkness over me...
Blessings, Anna

[Chery]

Chery,
I have come to accept the fact that things between my boyfriend and I are beyond the point of fixing. We have been together thirteen years. He is very distant. I figured if ever he would be able to reach out beyond himself it would be at the time Tiponi passed. This did not happen. He became worse as he and my mother both fought to have Tiponis death about them and only them. My children were not able to go to either my mother nor their father. It was not that they were even greiving thay just could not stand for attention to be directed else where. The only time he holds me is in a sexual way. He does not hold our children either.
When I finally went to the field for the first time my boyfreind caused a scene because I was not focusing all around him. It was difficult to be there but myself and my older daughter really wanted to go. We ended up leaving because of his behavior. He is very jealous and has to have controlover every aspect of my life. I received an award and was unable to attend because he could not stand that this was not about "him".
Indeed there is a darkness over me.....
Blessings, Anna

Oh, yes, and you know that darkness is named, possesive, self-centered, jealousy and control. Too bad, wish I could help you get more light. You know you will receive all the support you wish right here with us though. So always feel free to call upon this light..
;)
Hugs, Chery

[kiowas]

Cherry,
I can already feel the warmth of the light upon me.
Blessings, Anna

[Chery]

Anna, you come and get them any time you need them, we will be here. You can also PM me if the need is very strong.
Sending you some more good vibes, chery

[kiowas]

Cherry,
Thank you very much for the open offer of kindness. I greatly appreciate all of the support.
It can be difficult to grasp what one may be experiencing when you yourself haven't walked the same path. An open mind, heart and empathy in others is a wealth within itself. You are blessed with this gift as well as many others. I have been fortunate to of been graced with your gifts of compassion and warmth. Though your wings go unseen they are not unmarked for the warmth of them is greatly valued.
Blessings, Anna