[Marcus11]

Hello.

I'm basically looking outside for help almost, or a source to talk to aside from my friends about life.

Going to give a brief overview of the past years that has made me who I am today, and one could say why so confused now. This will be rather long, and jump around giving various things about my life, hoping to help with the feedback.

I am 19. My parents got divorced when I was 14. The divorce was nothing pretty. I was brought smack into the middle of it, with my fathers' ill-fated mind making sure I would never be the same. During the two year period it took to finalize it, my father had fed lies and more lies to me and the courts. I was brought in on several occasions to testify in court against the words of my mother and my father, and on events that never took place that my father had construed up. Was also escorted by the police to my father from a few different friends houses on occasions when he felt the need it was his right to see me on that given day, thus to say, my father left me to become the man of the house of my younger brother and mother.

My father basically treated me like I was a plague upon the world, while treated my brother with every manner of him being an angel. (Flew my brother out on several occasions to Florida where my father was living during the separation period while really never saying a word to me.)

He is my father and I put that all aside from me (while it still tore me apart) and let things go, until about a year ago almost. He opted to help me buy a car after my other was totaled. I had not really spoken to him much for a few months and saw this as a way for us to maybe grow back into a loving relationship that I had not seen since before the divorce. Things were great, I paid for half of the car (3,000) and he paid for the rest. He inturn took my money, bought the car, then lost contact with me for a few days. After I finally contacted him he told me he sold the car for profit. This was the last blow I could take from him (this was on my birthday, and in such another painful time with my ex). I had my money returned to me, and to this day have not spoken to him. Something that has been very hard for me.



About two years ago, I lost my best friend to a drunk driver. And at that time my girlfriend decided she could not see me go through that hurt, and broke up with me. I felt entirely abandoned at that point in time. My father being a real jerk, my mom so caught up with the divorce and work, never being around, my girlfriend ending it and my best friend all the sudden gone, I felt like life could not get any worse. The only good thing going for me was football. I was to say the all-pro American football player, coach put me anywhere, I'd get it done. Started QB and played defensive end on occasion. In one of my games, I was speared then driven the ground by some players from the opposing team. That ended my football career (Crushed some vertebrates in my spine, doctor told me if I were to ever get hit the wrong way I would become paralyzed). Scholarships that were coming in ceased and I was left with nothing.

With that, I developed a fond interest in music and poetry. Became one could say distant and very angry. Changed completely from being this person anyone and everyone wanted to be around to an all around jerk. My poetry has led me to some great things, have won contests world-wide, and met some amazing people through it.

Socially, I kept my close friends and turned down anyone that wanted to talk to me. I had been hurt by people I never thought it would be done by (friends at the time etc) and decided enough was enough for a while. Last year I met the girlfriend that would finally bring an older me back.

Started dating and became in love with her after a few months (first love). I was finally happy full around again, after being almost never truly happy for many years. Things were superb in many manners, and in others bad. (She depended upon me for everything). Dated for about 9 months then hit problems of jealousy and trust. I felt betrayed by her because of some of her actions (She started hanging out with guys that would start things with me because I was dating her and that had tried hooking up with her). She had very few friends, and they were them. Wanted to keep them which caused a lot of turmoil for us. We broke up, but still were together in most manners until I blew up on her. Stopped talking for a while, started again and were getting back together until she heard I cheated on her then we have not talked since. (about 3 months ago). Will come back to this later on.

I have health issues also that has caused a lot of problems in my life. Last November I had a heart-attack coupled with small-case seizures. That has riddled me with problems for almost the past year. It hit my girlfriend at the time very hard, and when I told her why I was in the hospital she broke down. After seeing how hurt she was to see me almost on a death bed I guess, I masked a lot of things to in my opinion keep her away from what was happening to me. (Something I regret, it caused a lot of pain within me to not tell her what I was doing or why I wasn't talking to her at some points, and caused even more problems between us towards the end). To this day doctors consider me a medical mystery. The cause of why it happened is unknown and why I now have a irregular heart-beat is unknown. All they know is, it is now there. (Not a heart murmur)

When me and my exgf broke up I turned into a very bad person . Back to where I was a few years ago. Turned everyone away and developed a very bad drinking problem. My mom finally figured it out and helped me through things. Making me who I am today, a very good person again. Took a couple of months of self time to get things back on track, and make my life a good one again.

A few days ago, my uncle committed suicide. This has hit me very hard. He was a rather good friend, and someone I have always talked to. I have lost him, my friend, and two cousins to death in the past three years. Something that has made me a very closed box, and with all the lies and betrayal I have faced, someone that will give anyone anything, but takes a lot to open up (Took me almost 5 months to fully let in my exgf).

Who I am today- my friends would describe me in a lot of words. Nice, sweetheart, amazing, fun, funny, goofy, conceited.
I am now to say a very, very nice guy. I would do anything for anyone, and give people the shirt off my back to make them feel better. With me having that big of a heart, people have seemed it would be in there best interest to take advantage of that, and what I have to offer others...

To my conceitedness.. Hah. I am a very good looking guy. (Point to all this rambling hah). With that, since me and my exgf stopped talking I really have not thought about her, until recently. I have dated and dated around, and also slept around (which I am not proud of at all, and kind of ask myself why each time). I started to actually see a potential relationship from this girl I had been seeing for a few weeks. She wanted to get serious then it all the sudden hit me and I backed away like a mouse running from a cat. I had no idea why at the time why. I still had feelings for my exgf. I proceeded to write her an apology letter, which never got answered (A thank you would have been nice) and that was about a month ago. Since then she has been talking to my friends at the work place, and she never ever has spoken to them before. Also was told she truly believes I cheated on her, and is very hard to look at me (I have come up she is either still in love with me, and is still very hurt by that rumor).

To end the ramblings and confusing stories now hah.

My question- What am I doing wrong?

Why can't people be happy to know me (a lot are) and not take me for anything I will do for them. Why am I judged on my looks first ALWAYS? I am seen as this gorgeous guy, but I would much rather be seen for my personality and care for others, which some people never understand. Why can I not get SOME break in life, whether it be health-wise or friends wise, or hell family wise. Something has to be going wrong, in the most extreme of manners. And my biggest question now, why when I can date any girl I want to almost, do I still want to work things with my exgf. Something I do not even know how to approach seeing she won't give me the time of day. Why was my word disregarded by her to a rumor being spread?

I am rather just confused with life. Do I need to become more of an again so I do not get hurt? I cannot take people leaning on me anymore for everything. I just can't take something's anymore. Really, I do not know what to do.

[Clough]

Hi, Marcus11!

Would you mind if I ask you some questions? You will get people who will want to help you here. It is an excellent place to discuss issues and problems. But, it would be best if we could try to clarify exactly where you are at in your feelings and situation without people having to wade through your excellent attempt at trying to let us know about you.

You will accomplish more to what you would like here if you, and everyone who chooses to help you, could keep things shorter and more concise.

Okay? :)

[Marcus11]

Hi, Marcus11!

Would you mind if I ask you some questions? You will get people who will want to help you here. It is an excellent place to discuss issues and problems. But, it would be best if we could try to clarify exactly where you are at in your feelings and situation without people having to wade through your excellent attempt at trying to let us know about you.

You will accomplish more to what you would like here if you, and everyone who chooses to help you, could keep things shorter and more concise.

Okay? :)

Yea sorry hah.

Go ahead ask away...

Really didn't know how to explain myself in a very.. logical way :9

[Clough]

Thanks! You have made a good start! I am sorry that I didn't catch that you had responded. Have been trying to help a couple of other people.

My first questions are:

Do you like yourself? If yes or no, please briefly explain why or why not?

Are you on any medications? If so, what are they and why are you taking them? (Knowing the answer to this, will greatly help people to assess your situation and also to provide helpful answers to you.)

You have obviously gone through quite a lot. Please know that we really care about you!

I do look forward to further dialogue with you!

[Marcus11]

As for liking myself? I guess? I make a lot of other people happy, and people love to be around me. I guess I like myself for how I treat other people. Me myself happy about things in my life? Not really. Wish a lot of things were different.

No, never have been on medication.

[Clough]

So, what is the thing that you are most concerned about, please?

[Marcus11]

So, what is the thing that you are most concerned about, please?

Well.

Why everyone sees me as this splendid amazing person, but yet my exgf will not even give me the light of day to at least clear the air.

Why do I get betrayed by so many people, it is VERY hard for me to trust anyone. Everyone in my life thus far (aside from my mother) has done something. My father, or some of what I use to consider very good friends.

For example, a friend of mine for many years was having a rough time with her home life and boyfriend. Wrote her a very simple poem to lighten things up. She inturn took that poem and submitted it to a pretty well known poetry contest (I also had already submitted the poem, and won for that month). Why would anyone do that?

Just confused with myself. I give anyone the time of day, help out anyone when they have problems. I have so many people that almost lean upon me to lighten them up or make their day better. I have no one like that in my life really.

Would love to meet someone like me, who does something for someone, and only asks for a smile in return.

[KBC]

Hi,

I see a great abandonment problem from your original post.

I too have some issues with it too.(backing away from close contact with anyone)

Why is this happening,you ask?

Addressing the problem,not being sidetracked from dealing with the root of the problem,ie:Exgf,recent gfs,etc

Does this pertain to heart problems? Maybe.

Does your past make you what you are today,Certainly.

Does your dealing with the past make you feel the need to please people as to not make them leave you?(People pleasing)It looks a lot like it,Not a defect in you,it's a coping skill misdirected to keep you sane,possibly having the stress issue involved,hence, the heart trouble?!

My take on dealing with the exgf,please consider moving on,you have too much life ahead of you to stop living,it's the past,don't make it a future too.

Ken

[Marcus11]

Hi,

I see a great abandonment problem from your original post.

I too have some issues with it too.(backing away from close contact with anyone)

Why is this happening,you ask?

Addressing the problem,not being sidetracked from dealing with the root of the problem,ie:Exgf,recent gfs,etc

Does this pertain to heart problems? Maybe.

Does your past make you what you are today,Certainly.

Does your dealing with the past make you feel the need to please people as to not make them leave you?(People pleasing)It looks a lot like it,Not a defect in you,its a coping skill misdirected to keep you sane,possibly having the stress issue involved,hence, the heart trouble?!?

My take on dealing with the exgf,please consider moving on,you have too much life ahead of you to stop living,its the past,don't make it a future too.

Ken

I honestly don't know. I really don't go out of my way to please people. I am nice to anyone and everyone I meet. Another thing that bothers me are girls that take that the wrong way. It is rather annoying that any girl I come in contact with thinks I like them because I will talk to them and ask how they are doing (Where I work, I meet a lot of people everyday). Is it to hard for someone to understand that because I am nice to you means nothing in terms of attraction (Has gotten me in loads of trouble with girls.)

As for my exgf. I do not understand it myself at all. Why I went from almost F off with you for a good while, to thinking about her. For a few months she never entered my mind. Recently she has, and once again why? I have dated some really rather amazing girls in the past month or so, but when they want to become more serious, I move away; fast.

[Clough]

Hi, Marcus11!

I would like to answer your post to the depth of an answer that it deserves. But, I must now go to bed. I will be alerting others to your post who might be of help to you. Some of the people whom I would contact are asleep or not online right now. I hope that you understand. It is now apparent that you are not now in some immediate danger. I wanted to find that out before leaving for the night.

Perhaps others who are online right now will notice and also respond to your post.

Clough

P.S. Please don't use chat speak acronyms/abbreviations on this site because not everyone will understand those. Okay?

[Marcus11]

Hi, Marcus11!

I would like to answer your post to the depth of an answer that it deserves. But, I must now go to bed. I will be alerting others to your post who might be of help to you. Some of the people whom I would contact are asleep or not online right now. I hope that you understand. It is now apparent that you are not now in some immediate danger. I wanted to find that out before leaving for the night.

Perhaps others who are online right now will notice and also respond to your post.

Clough

P.S. Please don't use chat speak acronyms/abbreviations on this site because not everyone will understand those. Okay?

Thank you.

Oh, would never consider suicide. Have seen it around me, and my exgf actually came very close to it when I considered putting us on hold a while back.

Asked here because, while in part my problem has to do with relationships also has to do with understanding myself almost. I almost feel I need to resort to being more of a jerk in situations to not put myself out there like I do at times.

Haha gotcha! :)

Night.

[Clough]

Are you afraid of further involvement with girls that you might be interested in because of the prospect of maybe disappointing them because of your physical problems with your heart and having seizures?

It sounds to me, according to your original post, that you move kind of quickly in your actions with those to whom you are close or want to be close. How about slowing down some and having less expectations at the beginning with possible girlfriends, others in general and also yourself?

I also see somewhat of a perfectionist attitude with you - the way that you just have to make sure that you get your message across to others and wanting things to happen quickly, admitting that you might be conceited...

The fact that you have had a heart attack at so young an age has to be a very scary reality for you. Having to deal with such a reality can also make a person desperate and in a hurry to get what they want out of life.

[Wondergirl]

After reading your original post, I see a writer, a novelist even. You are very well spoken and craft a sentence very beautifully. Do you keep a daily journal?

Your good looks are an advantage. Appearance is what others see first and is the drawing card. Make your good looks the "hook" to attract others and then demonstrate that caring part of you and the vibrant personality that will eventually overshadow the good looks.

[Clough]

I too, also see the above things in you!

[Marcus11]

Are you afraid of further involvement with girls that you might be interested in because of the prospect of maybe disappointing them because of your physical problems with your heart and having seizures?

It sounds to me, according to your original post, that you move kind of quickly in your actions with those to whom you are close or want to be close. How about slowing down some and having less expectations at the beginning with possible girlfriends, others in general and also yourself?

I also see somewhat of a perfectionist attitude with you - the way that you just have to make sure that you get your message across to others and wanting things to happen quickly, admitting that you might be conceited...

The fact that you have had a heart attack at so young an age has to be a very scary reality for you. Having to deal with such a reality can also make a person desperate and in a hurry to get what they want out of life.

I am really not afraid of having a relationship with another girl, but for WHATEVER reason, I can not. It is rather weird; my mind is logically thinking; saying why even bother, you can do better, and the opportunities have come up also. With that, my heart disagrees- Once again do not understand why I feel I want to patch things up with my exgf. In that manner, I do not even know what I want with her, aside from a conversation about things. My heart condition is considered normal now by doctors, well.. they have no idea, but it is no longer life threatening like it was a year ago about.

Honestly actually, I move very slowly with people that I want to be close to. It is more the fact people move very close to me very fast, and I dislike that at times, especially if it is a girl I am interested in.

A perfectionist? That actually would be a good word for me. Also very true, I am not patient with something I want usually. Also yes, I normally make my message pretty clear when I think it needs to be. I am conceited I guess. In a very joking way at times with people, but I know what I have to offer looks wise, and I believe my personality out-weights it tenfold.

Back to the exgf, I still just question myself.. Why now is it bothering me so much she won't give me the time of day? She has labeled me as a cheater which is very upsetting, if she wants to hate me for being an a-hole to her for a period, that is fine, but something I did not do, and spreads the rumor to other people around me is VERY disheartening.

I would not say desperate. I can get what I want if I truly wanted to get it, if you get what I am saying. I would rather have it come to me, and would be nice if people around me would not take advantage of my out-look on life at times.



Tidbid on today. It was my exes birthday today so I called her and left her message saying happy birthday and have a splendid day. Later on today her friend called me asking what kind of shake my ex wants between two flavors because she cannot make up her mind. What-the-heck was that about?
Also picked up her shift today at work because our manager was in a very bad mood and wanted to call anyone in on the schedule, was her birthday and that would ruin it for her (I would do this for anyone, and have before, just info)

[Marcus11]

After reading your original post, I see a writer, a novelist even. You are very well spoken and craft a sentence very beautifully. Do you keep a daily journal?

Your good looks are an advantage. Appearance is what others see first and is the drawing card. Make your good looks the "hook" to attract others and then demonstrate that caring part of you and the vibrant personality that will eventually overshadow the good looks.

No I do not, and thank you. My well spoken mind is not always the best thing though, I affiliate myself with people that do not always think on my level. Some people misconstrue what I am actually saying because they do not fully understand the context I am using, or vocabulary.

My good looks attract a crowd of people I do not want them to attract in all actuality. Any new girl I meet wants to date me, and I do not want the same with most. I am very picky, and at the moment rather confused, and wish people would understand my friendship I offer to others is something they will not see more then once. I am a very "different" type of guy, the "dream boyfriend" from how every girl describes me, and that is what 90% want from me, the other 10% already have boyfriends, and we hit it off great :)

[Clough]

You must be a very fast typist as well as thinker because you have typed the above two posts in about eight minutes time if what I see on your profile is correct.

Are you artistically inclined at all? Music, dance, painting, drawing, poetry, etc.

[Wondergirl]

Six minutes, Clough.

[Clough]

Six minutes, Clough.

Are you going to lower my grade for that, teacher? :p

[Wondergirl]

Hmmm, now there's a thought...