[Marcus11]

Haha actually I am. I was in a band a while back, and then again for the past month or two. Was Screamo/Post Hardcore music, something I no longer wanted to do. I now do indie/acoustic solo play. Have done two shows thus far and my most recent was rather big, made a few hundred dollars from it also.

I write my own songs also.

Poetry is my passion, it helped me through some very rough times, have had a few poems published, and can show you those via a PM if you would like. I can not open up to people beyond information I do not mind sharing, poetry has always been my source out of dwelling deep upon some very hard things in my life.

Haha, I am a very fast typer ;) Thinker? No so sure about that one, I wouldn't be here I would say if I could think my way out of what is bothering me.

[Clough]

I did suspect that you were an artist of some kind! We have a number of things in common. Not just our arts, but also in our personalities.

I am a loner, but I also love to be around people. I am very much a people person, but when I got to have my space, I got to have it. I don't thrive on attention, but I do like to get it. I like to be on stage, but every time I am, I get scared/nervous to be out there. When I am done performing for something, my inward thoughts are "I really needed that!" My thoughts go so quickly and change subjects in my mind so fast, that some, and even myself, might view my thinking as being slow. I have what might be coined, "Cerebral Drift." I think that a lot of artists are subject to the inward thought process being so, so... umm... I guess for the lack of a better term, erratic?

Ever feel any of those ways that I have mentioned above?

By-the-way, I'm sorry that it took me so long to get back to you in the last half-hour. I latched onto some questions that a student needed answers to. You might want to answer it also according to how you think the answers should be for you. It would help the student for her project by getting a variety of responses. I hope that she comes back, though to view the answers. Sometimes the people who ask questions don't come back. But, I think that this one is worth the risk of answering.

Here is the link, if you are interested. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/music/...ns-140716.html

I would love to see your poetry! Please send me some! I know that others would like to see it also, if you are comfortable with that. The time may come that you do feel comfortable displaying it on the public forum.

[Marcus11]

Hrm kind of ;). I am exactly the same with people, I love being around different people most of the time, but also can spend a day or two to myself and enjoy it just the same. Haha do understand the thought process, when I am thinking about something, my thoughts can be erratic about a lot of different things.

I have no problem showing my poetry on the public forums haha ;) Sending some your way.

[pinkface92]

Hey I noticed you seem to have been let down a lot. I have the same problem. I am not necessarily a person where people you know flock around me , but I usually have fun w/ people. I get that a lot where people don't really know how much I care abput them and how much I'd do for them, but its just something you have 2 deal w/. I know... it sux. I think if your ex cannot 4give and forget then she's not worth your time. You should just keep looking for the right person and when you find her, you'll just know about it and it won't be so hard 2 deal w/ the relationship. Anyway umm if you ever need anything this place is awesome 4 advice. The people are usually pretty friendly and helpful. Good Luck!!

[Clough]

Hrm kind of ;). I am exactly the same with people, I love being around different people most of the time, but also can spend a day or two to myself and enjoy it just the same. Haha do understand the thought process, when I am thinking about something, my thoughts can be erratic about a lot of different things.

I have no problem showing my poetry on the public forums haha ;) Sending some your way.

Thanks for sending the poems! I really liked them!

What musical instrument or instruments do you play?

I am wondering about the following statement that you made to Wondergirl.

I am very picky, and at the moment rather confused, and wish people would understand my friendship I offer to others is something they will not see more then once.

What do you mean by,

"my friendship I offer to others is something they will not see more than once."

please?

I also want to ask you what your goals are with your life and concerning people right now? Like, do you consider having a girlfriend to be something that is a priority in your life? If so, why?

[grammadidi]

Your question: “What am I doing wrong?”

Well, I'm not sure how others look upon this, but I have read and re-read your original post and other than a few little things, I have to say that I don't think you are doing ANYTHING wrong! You are 19 years old! You are just living and learning like everyone else your age. Probably you are looking at your life the past 5 years in particular and seeing so many negatives.

Yes, you have suffered a lot of losses… no question about it. Oh, do I ever know that feeling! I lost my best friend of 44 years in January, 2001. Then, I was diagnosed with an extremely rare blood disorder after 17 months of illness in November 2001. We lost my husband's grandmother in December, 2001. In January 2002 my husband was hospitalized with a strange illness. He was very, very ill for 3 weeks with no concrete diagnosis. They diagnosed pneumonia and pernicious anaemia, but could not determine a reason for the anaemia as he fit none of the traditional precipitating factors. They investigated many possibilities, and eventually, in July 2002 he was diagnosed with advanced gastric cancer. They operated on him six days after our 10th anniversary on August 14 2002 but were unable to do anything to help him and he was given 2 to 6 weeks to live. On August 22 my 31 year old cousin (with whom I was very close) committed suicide. In December 2002 my husband's father (my soul dad) died of lung cancer. My husband died on January 19 2003 and our neighbour, who was like a mother to us, was buried six days later after a sudden unexpected death. Within a year I lost my home with a lot of my belongings and shortly after my best friend - my 9 year old dog, Sam (Samantha). Shortly after that I was the victim of a con-man and lost a considerable amount of money and a LOT of faith. Then I was diagnosed with cancer myself. There are other things that happened that I do not wish to go into here, as well. What was "I" doing wrong???!!!!

My friend… I was doing the same thing that you are. I was just living life, learning, growing, trusting and experiencing reality. The main thing that I learned was that life is just too short. It is too short to concentrate on the negative. It is too short to fill my life with worry. It is too short to hang on to the things that hurt me, bring me down or make me angry. So, I have decided to live for today. I grasp on to the things or people that make me feel good and if they hurt me, I brush myself off, try to learn from the experience and move on. I spend a good deal of my time doing volunteer work. This helps me to keep my own problems in perspective. It also helps me to meet people with similar interests and beliefs to my own. I try not to dwell on my health issues (except when the specialists make me!).

You must be very sure that you aren't actually subconsciously filling your life with the kind of people who WILL hurt you or take advantage of you. Sometimes, when people have suffered hurts and/or losses, we keep people at arm's length. When we do let someone in, we convince ourselves that we have taken the time and chosen wisely. In actual fact, we have set ourselves up. Yes, we even have difficulty letting go of ex-girlfriends/boyfriends because we convince ourselves that the relationship that failed was love. In actual fact, these relationships generally end because it is NOT! Clinging to them, disguised as undying love or as the need to seek closure can destroy us.

I suggest that you may need to see a therapist/counsellor in order to sort out the difficulties that you experienced with your parent's divorce and your father's subsequent behaviours (which very obviously hurt you and plays a role in you holding many good people at a distance and possibly choosing the wrong people in your life). Each loss that you have experienced brings up your past losses (whether real or perceived and acknowledging that your health issues are a form of a loss) and sets you back further and further. You must resolve these past issues in order to enable yourself to be truly vulnerable to deep true friendships, and possibly love.

So, my advice is as follows:

• Seek therapy to resolve childhood issues and subsequent losses.
• Allow yourself to find the positives in every situation and refuse to dwell on the negatives.
• Accept that you do not need anything further from your past relationship. It is past… it is over. For every door that closes, another one opens. It will come in time.
• Find ways to fulfill your life. Seek your passion.
• Stop rushing through life!!! Slow down – take time to smell the roses, so to speak.
• Keep an 'Emotion Journal'. Run with it… talk to yourself… rant… rave… whine… boast… resolve. It truly helps – not just to write it, but to re-read it.
• Don't discount people who become attracted to you because of your appearance. You may lose the opportunity to meet someone who was attracted to the appearance based upon the appearance of a real nice guy instead of a 'gorgeous' guy.
• Don't allow people to lean on you unless you want to be leaned on. You can learn to do this with a good therapist as you are working out the issues outlined in #1.
• Never, never, ever allow the disappointments of life to provide you with an excuse to give up, regress, etc. Instead, treat them as tools, learn from them and grow.

Well, there's my rather lengthy advice. (Perhaps we should both write novels!) :P Take what fits, and disregard the rest. I hope it helps!

Hugs, Didi

[Clough]

Grammadidi is truly a blessing for her involvement in and on this site! She cares a great deal about people; can feel their pain and also joys because of the many, varied experiences that she has had in her own life that might be similar to the circumstances that the posters who ask questions on this site have. What she says about things should be heeded. I personally consider it an honor to be involved in dialogues and rapport with her as all of us who really care about people who ask questions on this site try to sort out what is happening in people's lives and to offer them some viable solutions, alternatives to the way that they might be living and also, hope.

She freely gives of her time here; is not concerned with how many points she gets or other rewards that may be offered here. Her goal here would seem to be to give more quality as compared to quantity. Great thought is given by her in the manner of and context given in both the responses to and messages that she gives to people.

I hope that you will read and re-read Didi's post. She is one of the persons whom I contacted to join in on your post. She read and re-read your original post and took it to heart to try and give you a fair and accurate appraisal of where you are in your life right now and also guidance as to how you might proceed. If you click on her name, you will find a link to her profile. I hope that you will read that also.

I do look forward to continued dialogue with you! I know that we have much in common in various ways because we are both artists. We are creative people. Being such a person as this can be both a bane and also a blessing. Sometimes it is hard for us to think rationally because of the need to create. Our thoughts can run wild! A lot of times just creating our art gives us the thing to hold onto that helps us to be in touch with the world and ourselves. Sometimes it can get pretty confusing, though! Grammadidi and Wondergirl are also artists, but in different formats with self-expression as is defined by that which involves art. Nonetheless, we all share similar traits as far as personalities, because we are all involved in the creative process/workings in our minds that seems to be necessary for the creation of art in various forms.

[Chery]

I did suspect that you were an artist of some kind! We have a number of things in common. Not just our arts, but also in our personalities.

I am a loner, but I also love to be around people. I am very much a people person, but when I gotta have my space, I gotta have it. I don't thrive on attention, but I do like to get it. I like to be on stage, but every time I am, I get scared/nervous to be out there. When I am done performing for something, my inward thoughts are "I really needed that!" My thoughts go so quickly and change subjects in my mind so fast, that some, and even myself, might view my thinking as being slow. I have what might be coined, "Cerebral Drift." I think that a lot of artists are subject to the inward thought process being so, so... umm...I guess for the lack of a better term, erratic?

I would love to see your poetry! Please send me some! I know that others would like to see it also, if you are comfortable with that.

"Cerebral Drift" and "Erratic" - Can identify with these very well. Routines bored me and I've been told that Aquarius Star Signs are blessed with artistic talents and an abundance of Empathy. Are either of you Aquarius?

Still reading this thread to get a 'feeling' before I put my two-cent's worth in.

Would love to have you share your poetry too.

[Chery]

OK, here are my two-cent's worth. I'm glad Clough go me to read this thread and am so glad to 'meet' you.

Why everyone sees me as this splendid amazing person, but yet my exgf will not even give me the light of day to at least clear the air.

She is not as strong as you are and would be lost in a serious dialog. Fear can also be a factor here. She is not strong enough to be able to reject someone face to face, which would be more fair to you.

Why do I get betrayed by so many people, it is VERY hard for me to trust anyone. Everyone in my life thus far (aside from my mother) has done something. My father, or some of what I use to consider very good friends.

Maybe they did not know any better - we don't know how they were treated in their lives, and patterns of behavior get passed along. With some people, once you give them the little finger, they expect the whole hand without qualms.

For example, a friend of mine for many years was having a rough time with her home life and boyfriend. Wrote her a very simple poem to lighten things up. She inturn took that poem and submitted it to a pretty well known poetry contest (I also had already submitted the poem, and won for that month). Why would anyone do that?

Who know, hero worship, or just plain wanting to get on the band-wagon because her life is not as exciting.

Just confused with myself. I give anyone the time of day, help out anyone when they have problems. I have so many people that almost lean upon me to lighten them up or make their day better. I have no one like that in my life really.

Maybe you subconsciously wear a sign that says "here I am, use me to your benefit" Your attitude might show strength even when you feel sorrow. Don't always put on a happy face when you don't really feel that way.

Would love to meet someone like me, who does something for someone, and only asks for a smile in return.

You and me both, I just found out I have cancer, and my BF dumped me because he cannot cope with it. I sure would have loved to have him hold me, support me and tell me he'd be there. But 'stuff' happens and we don't always get the same love back that we give. No matter what. And it hurts like heck. When he was sick, I was always there for him and he took it for granted.

Back to the exgf, I still just question myself.. Why now is it bothering me so much she won't give me the time of day? She has labeled me as a cheater which is very upsetting, if she wants to hate me for being an a-hole to her for a period, that is fine, but something I did not do, and spreads the rumor to other people around me is VERY disheartening.

I don't think the rumors bother you that much because of your confidence. What might be bothering you is that this is the one girl that left you without explanation and is a bit of an ego killer. But, as 'Didi' suggested, with a little counseling you'll get more acquainted with your emotions where 'rejection' is related and you'll get over it. In cases like this it's the rejection that makes us loose confidence in ourselves, but it takes two, and we all eventually survive it.

Again, as 'Didi' said, you did nothing wrong.. I think is it time for you to openly show that you want some support yourself, instead of only dishing it out. A therapist is a good place to start.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted. I enjoy your dialog very much.

[Marcus11]

Thanks for sending the poems! I really liked them!

What musical instrument or instruments do you play?

I am wondering about the following statement that you made to Wondergirl.



What do you mean by, please?

I also want to ask you what your goals are with your life and concerning people right now? Like, do you consider having a girlfriend to be something that is a priority in your life? If so, why?

Oh to the contrary I really do not prioritize having a significant other; I do not really even know if I want a girlfriend to be frank. I have had a few girls recently that have more then exploded on me because I did not want to date them, and did not want my friendship. What I mean by that statement is, at the moment, I am confused with what I WANT. Something I have not thought about for a very long time, always what others want. In terms of my exgf do I actually want anything to do with her? I do not know. Is it me trying to fill the space that has left me empty because she was the first person I have ever let into my dark past? All questions I am trying to answer, and only I can answer.

My goals in life are to finish my college education. In my first year at community college and doing very well. Hoping to finish next semester and transfer into UCLA or UoA. Depending what I want to do major wise. Senior year I threw away some scholarship opportunities by being a lazy person, taking some time to re-open those doors.

As far as people; a friend maybe? My best friends that I have known for years no longer are where I live (One in California, other in Miami attending College). Still keep close contact with them and we visit each other. They are people that know me, and are people I love. Only friends that have been true friends to be honest. Something I have yet to find in any new people I have met in the past months.

[Marcus11]

To Clough again:

I play the guitar.

And no problem, glad you enjoyed the poems.

[Marcus11]

Your question: “What am I doing wrong?”

Well, I’m not sure how others look upon this, but I have read and re-read your original post and other than a few little things, I have to say that I don’t think you are doing ANYTHING wrong! You are 19 years old! You are just living and learning like everyone else your age. Probably you are looking at your life the past 5 years in particular and seeing so many negatives.

Yes, you have suffered a lot of losses… no question about it. Oh, do I ever know that feeling! I lost my best friend of 44 years in January, 2001. Then, I was diagnosed with an extremely rare blood disorder after 17 months of illness in November 2001. We lost my husband’s grandmother in December, 2001. In January 2002 my husband was hospitalized with a strange illness. He was very, very ill for 3 weeks with no concrete diagnosis. They diagnosed pneumonia and pernicious anaemia, but could not determine a reason for the anaemia as he fit none of the traditional precipitating factors. They investigated many possibilities, and eventually, in July 2002 he was diagnosed with advanced gastric cancer. They operated on him six days after our 10th anniversary on August 14 2002 but were unable to do anything to help him and he was given 2 to 6 weeks to live. On August 22 my 31 year old cousin (with whom I was very close) committed suicide. In December 2002 my husband’s father (my soul dad) died of lung cancer. My husband died on January 19 2003 and our neighbour, who was like a mother to us, was buried six days later after a sudden unexpected death. Within a year I lost my home with a lot of my belongings and shortly after my best friend - my 9 year old dog, Sam (Samantha). Shortly after that I was the victim of a con-man and lost a considerable amount of money and a LOT of faith. Then I was diagnosed with cancer myself. There are other things that happened that I do not wish to go into here, as well. What was "I" doing wrong???!!!!

My friend… I was doing the same thing that you are. I was just living life, learning, growing, trusting and experiencing reality. The main thing that I learned was that life is just too short. It is too short to concentrate on the negative. It is too short to fill my life with worry. It is too short to hang on to the things that hurt me, bring me down or make me angry. So, I have decided to live for today. I grasp on to the things or people that make me feel good and if they hurt me, I brush myself off, try to learn from the experience and move on. I spend a good deal of my time doing volunteer work. This helps me to keep my own problems in perspective. It also helps me to meet people with similar interests and beliefs to my own. I try not to dwell on my health issues (except when the specialists make me!).

You must be very sure that you aren’t actually subconsciously filling your life with the kind of people who WILL hurt you or take advantage of you. Sometimes, when people have suffered hurts and/or losses, we keep people at arm’s length. When we do let someone in, we convince ourselves that we have taken the time and chosen wisely. In actual fact, we have set ourselves up. Yes, we even have difficulty letting go of ex-girlfriends/boyfriends because we convince ourselves that the relationship that failed was love. In actual fact, these relationships generally end because it is NOT! Clinging to them, disguised as undying love or as the need to seek closure can destroy us.

I suggest that you may need to see a therapist/counsellor in order to sort out the difficulties that you experienced with your parent’s divorce and your father’s subsequent behaviours (which very obviously hurt you and plays a role in you holding many good people at a distance and possibly choosing the wrong people in your life). Each loss that you have experienced brings up your past losses (whether real or perceived and acknowledging that your health issues are a form of a loss) and sets you back further and further. You must resolve these past issues in order to enable yourself to be truly vulnerable to deep true friendships, and possibly love.

So, my advice is as follows:

• Seek therapy to resolve childhood issues and subsequent losses.
• Allow yourself to find the positives in every situation and refuse to dwell on the negatives.
• Accept that you do not need anything further from your past relationship. It is past… it is over. For every door that closes, another one opens. It will come in time.
• Find ways to fulfill your life. Seek your passion.
• Stop rushing through life!!! Slow down – take time to smell the roses, so to speak.
• Keep an ‘Emotion Journal’. Run with it… talk to yourself… rant… rave… whine… boast… resolve. It truly helps – not just to write it, but to re-read it.
• Don’t discount people who become attracted to you because of your appearance. You may lose the opportunity to meet someone who was attracted to the appearance based upon the appearance of a real nice guy instead of a ‘gorgeous’ guy.
• Don’t allow people to lean on you unless you want to be leaned on. You can learn to do this with a good therapist as you are working out the issues outlined in #1.
• Never, never, ever allow the disappointments of life to provide you with an excuse to give up, regress, etc. Instead, treat them as tools, learn from them and grow.

Well, there’s my rather lengthy advice. (Perhaps we should both write novels!) :P Take what fits, and disregard the rest. I hope it helps!

Hugs, Didi

I am very sorry to hear about the pain you have gone through in your life. You seem to be rather well maintained for the trauma you have been through. That I applaud, and hope to learn from as I seek myself.

To your response of my ex, it may be that in all actuality. She was the only person I let behind a very masked perception. She knows things about me, no one else on this planet (Aside from an old therapist) knows about. It was very devastating for me to break up with her (even though it was mutual) but more so shocking she has believed a rumor of cheating over my word; something I have never broken to her. And until recent, I had let her go, something I have become very good at doing. I mean is that bad? I have shut out so many people in my life, that it has become a second nature. I think about it, I don't want to though, I do not want to shut her out completely, not yet at least. To me letting people go real fast, about 4 months ago I was in turmoil with my life. Thought about going into the military because my parents were disgusted with anything I did and I was losing people around me left and right. They almost demanded it upon me, and I had a very real conversation with my mom stating it would be the last time I would talk to her for a very long time if I joined the military under these notions. What scares me is if that did happen, I would have shut her out. I have done it with my dad, some friends I have known for many years that did something that disgusted me, and they became a memory.

Why has it become so easy for me to let people leave my life, but so hard for them to enter?

I will not see a therapist again. I went to one during my heart issues times. It destroyed me for a few days to relive some past events in my life. Some of the memories my mind has shut off never to open again were brought back to existence. I cannot face them again, the mere fact as I type this tearing scares me what else can be uncovered.

[grammadidi]

Grammadidi is truly a blessing for her involvement in and on this site!! She cares a great deal about people; can feel their pain and also joys because of the many, varied experiences that she has had in her own life that might be similar to the circumstances that the posters who ask questions on this site have. What she says about things should be heeded. I personally consider it an honor to be involved in dialogues and rapport with her as all of us who really care about people who ask questions on this site try to sort out what is happening in people's lives and to offer them some viable solutions, alternatives to the way that they might be living and also, hope.

She freely gives of her time here; is not concerned with how many points she gets or other rewards that may be offered here. Her goal here would seem to be to give more quality as compared to quantity. Great thought is given by her in the manner of and context given in both the responses to and messages that she gives to people.

I hope that you will read and re-read Didi's post. She is one of the persons whom I contacted to join in on your post. She read and re-read your original post and took it to heart to try and give you a fair and accurate appraisal of where you are in your life right now and also guidance as to how you might proceed. If you click on her name, you will find a link to her profile. I hope that you will read that also.

I do look forward to continued dialogue with you! I know that we have much in common in various ways because we are both artists. We are creative people. Being such a person as this can be both a bane and also a blessing. Sometimes it is hard for us to think rationally because of the need to create. Our thoughts can run wild! A lot of times just creating our art gives us the thing to hold onto that helps us to be in touch with the world and ourselves. Sometimes it can get pretty confusing, though! Grammadidi and Wondergirl are also artists, but in different formats with self-expression as is defined by that which involves art. Nonetheless, we all share similar traits as far as personalities, because we are all involved in the creative process/workings in our minds that seems to be necessary for the creation of art in various forms.

Clough, thank you! I want to acknowledge how much I appreciate what you have written above. (You made me cry!) There are so many of us on this site who truly do want to draw upon our experiences to help others. I have learned that I truly am fortunate to have gone through so many of the pitfalls that I have in life, because they have truly strengthened me and built my character so that I am able to reach out to others.

In addition, let's not forget that YOU, Clough, take the time to read so many posts here, learn which people can best offer advice on which subjects, and rally them around those needing advice. This entire site works so well because of the people who come here, their varied experiences and their dedication to helping others. I am but a small piece of that, there are many, many good people here with a wealth of living experiences, education and common sense - but I do thank you for your vote of confidence... and please know that you have mine, also. We are NOT here for glory or money. We are here because we have something to offer and because we care.

Anyhow, I was unsure if I should respond publicly on this post or not, but I feel it needs to be publicly said that I thank you and for everyone to know that there are a lot more like me here, and if there are any newcomers wondering if this is the place for them they need not wonder any more. The depth of experience, caring and sharing goes beyond many similar websites and advice desks. AMHD is filled with wonderful people who CAN help.

Hugs, Didi

[Marcus11]

OK, here are my two-cent's worth. I'm glad Clough go me to read this thread and am so glad to 'meet' you.



She is not as strong as you are and would be lost in a serious dialog. Fear can also be a factor here. She is not strong enough to be able to reject someone face to face, which would be more fair to you.



Maybe they did not know any better - we don't know how they were treated in their lives, and patterns of behavior get passed along. With some people, once you give them the little finger, they expect the whole hand without qualms.



Who know, hero worship, or just plain wanting to get on the band-wagon because her life is not as exciting.



Maybe you subconsciously wear a sign that says "here I am, use me to your benefit" Your attitude might show strength even when you feel sorrow. Don't always put on a happy face when you don't really feel that way.



You and me both, I just found out I have cancer, and my BF dumped me because he cannot cope with it. I sure would have loved to have him hold me, support me and tell me he'd be there. But 'stuff' happens and we don't always get the same love back that we give. No matter what. And it hurts like heck. When he was sick, I was always there for him and he took it for granted.



I don't think the rumors bother you that much because of your confidence. What might be bothering you is that this is the one girl that left you without explanation and is a bit of an ego killer. But, as 'Didi' suggested, with a little counseling you'll get more acquainted with your emotions where 'rejection' is related and you'll get over it. In cases like this it's the rejection that makes us loose confidence in ourselves, but it takes two, and we all eventually survive it.

Again, as 'Didi' said, you did nothing wrong.. I think is it time for you to openly show that you want some support yourself, instead of only dishing it out. A therapist is a good place to start.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted. I enjoy your dialog very much.

Very true with her, some conversations we have had, she had no idea what I was talking about, or my point. Hah, remember having to dumb myself down from time to time to make sure she understand the point. And in honesty, she is not a strong person. She cannot make decisions on her own (the one to ignore me is not her, it is the friends around her- that I know for certain, she had a talk to a good friend of mind about me, stating she has no idea why she has this hate for me, everyone around her hates me so; she feels it is right. The fact that she thought of suicide during a rough time during her life scared me to her own being. For her to thought about that because her parents were being stupid and the thought of me leaving her devastated her that much; was very disheartening for me.
To her and our relationship. She leaned on me for everything. I did not mind that (I do with more people around me now) because I was willing to take that and be there whenever she needed it. What is mind blowing now is when I wanted space from her, she broke down. I wish I would have been stronger myself for her to tell her no, but I could not see her hurt.

No we do not know how people were treated during their early lives, and many do not know how I was treated. I do not use people, I do not ask for more then they can give as a person, but why must it be done to me? I have heard many stories of sorrow from people that have no idea of the pain I live with at times from my past; it is more hurtful then people know to let some people past my very big barrier and be taken advantage of.

I am very sorry to hear you have cancer. May I ask what kind? My grandfather was diagnosed with leukemia last May. Your boyfriend at the time, hah, I do not understand people. They take the helping hand as they please, but do not give it back. Just so mind blowing how people are in this world now a days.

No the rumor does not really hurt me at all, it is not believed; actually she gets laughed at when she has told some people around me. Many people know me, and know of how I treat others and my morals. Something I would have never done, and people know that. It is also the fact she in her heart does not believe it, but when you have people around you telling you he did it, he did it, he did it, she has believed it herself. Knowing there was no proof, and how I acted when we were dating. (Sorry there were times when I would be with my friends and sit on the phone with her to give her the feeling of security there was nothing going on when she could not join me)
I have no problem facing rejection, it is a part of life. To my younger High school life, I was not always as 'gorgeous' as I am now. I was a late bloomer to say. Went after the hot girls when I was younger, but got rejected. Rejection from my ex may just be something I am not able to actually face?

Maybe I do show a sign on my head saying "Hey I am here, you can use me abuse me and feel no remorse." I always have a happy face on, even if I do not feel it when I am around others. It is required where I work, and no, it is not always the best thing.

[Marcus11]

Two poems I have written, these two have been published in a few magazines (will not disclose title) and have won a lot of contests. Do have some other poetry (lol 100s) around, some published, others just writings.

Time Lapse

The lies besets my heart
I only wish they would disappear
To feel like this from the start
For I live in fear

To only feel like crying
The love for which my heart desires
To know I am always striving
For that all must admire

To think no one cares
To be there, yet not be heard
For which everyone stares
But they never knew, I am so scared

What to do, and what to think
What to feel, and what to say
To think I am on the brink
But yet I am still at bay

My heart skips a beat
Chaos begins alas
As I begin to take a seat
Now, time will not pass

Everything is so clear
All will soon be gone
No longer will I shed a tear
I know now, my time here is done.







My Betrayal

Time for me has deceased
Your trust and patience I have tried
Only if you knew why I am released
For the many reasons I have cried

Your love will always be there
For that I have never feared
Only if you knew I care
So the pain will be seared

The chance for me has come and gone
This night was the proof of all
That I may now be done
And this will be my final fall

I ask for you to take my love
And let go of times passed
For I am heading down a dark cove
One of which might be my last

I hear the voices of dark and light
As one overcomes the other
It has become a test of might
And one of which I do not want to bother

This is the end of a long self trial
One that has bestowed upon you
Of all things that are vial
This decision was long do

My fate will be decided tonight
With the words of your wisdom
That will cause love or I shall take flight
Into his above kingdom

[grammadidi]

I am very sorry to hear about the pain you have gone through in your life. You seem to be rather well maintained for the trauma you have been through. That I applaud, and hope to learn from as I seek myself.

Thank you. I guess the reason I seem to be rather "well maintained" is because it became a matter of survival. We all have our methods. I tried the way you are now trying. It almost destroyed me. I lost a lot of precious years of living before I figured it out.

To your response of my ex, it may be that in all actuality. She was the only person I let behind a very masked perception. She knows things about me, no one else on this planet (Aside from an old therapist) knows about.

Then you must let more people in! If you aren't REAL with people... how can you expect others to be real with you?? You have been very disappointed with the way that people relate to you in recent years and only see you at face value rather than for the person you are without the pretty. Can you not see a correlation between that and the fact that you only allow people to see the masked Marcus - the one who holds himself back for fear of being hurt?

It was very devastating for me to break up with her (even though it was mutual) but more so shocking she has believed a rumor of cheating over my word; something I have never broken to her. And until recent, I had let her go, something I have become very good at doing. I mean is that bad? I have shut out so many people in my life, that it has become a second nature. I think about it, I don't want to though, I do not want to shut her out completely, not yet at least.

You will have many break-ups in life. Each person that you have a relationship with prepares you for the 'ultimate' one. :) Give it time, you are only 19! I suspect that it was 'devastating' because you have not dealt with your original issues. As far as her believing the rumour of you cheating... my response to that is that she must not have loved you as much as you believed her to. Again, I know you may not see it now, but I suspect that because you have not dealt with previous issues and losses that you actually chose someone who was not appropriate to love. This will become more evident to you as you mature, discover yourself again and start allowing yourself to become more vulnerable.

... about 4 months ago i was in turmoil with my life. Thought about going into the military because my parents were disgusted with anything I did and I was losing people around me left and right. They almost demanded it upon me, and I had a very real conversation with my mom stating it would be the last time I would talk to her for a very long time if I joined the military under these notions. What scares me is if that did happen, I would have shut her out. I have done it with my dad, some friends I have known for many years that did something that disgusted me, and they became a memory.

Again, Marcus, I feel that this all boils down to your original issues not being dealt with appropriately. They may have been dealt with in the most appropriate way at the time... you may not have been capable of more! You were younger then. In addition, you went through many stages of grief and you are basing the responses of yourself, and others, to the events during a very, very difficult time! As such, emotions were tough all over. Remember, it is not just you who has emotions through all of these times, but your family and friends.

I speak as a mother who was left with a grieving adopted daughter who was already filled with attachment problems when my husband died and who fell apart afterwards now. My daughter had experienced truly horrendous losses in the first 4 years of her life before we took her in. It became so very hard for her to let anyone 'in'. When my husband died she was 11, nearly 12. Every emotion, every word, every attempted friendship was fraught with deep emotions stemming from her unresolved pain from her original abandonment as a baby. She thought she was being open, honest, but really she was doing exactly what you do. She was holding back, not allowing the real "A" to come out. She became so focused on her pain, anger, etc. and putting out this happy, giving, loving front. Instead it pulled her deeper in unhappiness. She pretended to allow people in, then was unable to trust them because she wasn't being real herself. Therefore, even when I spoke with her, instead of hearing my words the way they were - spoken with genuine love and caring - she believe I hated her, was disgusted and disappointed, and the list goes on. She pulled away so hard and so long that I actually lost her, Marcus. She shut me out. I understand how you feel. She could not understand how I felt. (She has been undergoing intensive therapy and we are close again now.)

Why has it become so easy for me to let people leave my life, but so hard for them to enter?

I will not see a therapist again. I went to one during my heart issues times. It destroyed me for a few days to relive some past events in my life. Some of the memories my mind has shut off never to open again were brought back to existence. I cannot face them again, the mere fact as I type this tearing scares me what else can be uncovered.

It is easy for you to let them in because you have built up a protective wall around you that most are unable to penetrate. They are only coming in part way, as far as you will let them. When they can't find you, they leave... and it hurts because you feel you were right all along. (ie: "Why should I let anyone in, they are only going to leave?") This hardens you and so the circle continues.

You will not see a therapist again. Hmmmm... is this not exactly the same thing that I have been talking about? It destroyed you to relive past events in your life?? Of course it hurt! That is exactly what you need to allow yourself to do!! You need to open yourself up to the pain to become whole again. God, I KNOW it's hard... I really do! However, if you don't you will be stuck exactly where you are right now.

You type this tearing up because you have years of pent up pain and sadness to release, Marcus. You are ready to fly, my friend. Find yourself a therapist you really can trust and bond with and climb out of that coccoon. You will be so happy that you did!

Hugs, Didi

[Chery]

I will not see a therapist again. I went to one during my heart issues times. It destroyed me for a few days to relive some past events in my life. Some of the memories my mind has shut off never to open again were brought back to existence. I cannot face them again, the mere fact as I type this tearing scares me what else can be uncovered.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I saw my first therapist when I was 18. Back then, my mother was still alive and she did not condone this. I was abused my her i.e. beatings, verbal abuse and pure hatred because I was the illegitimate child of a man who she thought cheated on her. She blamed me for everything and took out the hate for my father on me. She did this until the day she died and I was in my 40's. All my early life I felt totally unloved and worthless. I sought solace in school and excelled for my teachers to compensate.

Guess what I was best at... Art - in any shape and form.

Subsequently due to this, and attempting to please her and get at least one inkling of recognition from her (which never came), I married for the wrong reason, and a man who continued the verbal and then physical abuse for her. I did get a reprieve while I was pregnant and had a wonderful daughter. When I could no longer take the abuse, I went to booze to ease the pain. That brought me to the rock bottom within four years and I naturally took up the role of 'black sheep' in the family.

My survival instinct took over and I signed myself into a detox and rehab clinic for 5 1/2 month. Those were the hardest months in my life - over 20 years ago - and there was one-on-one therapy and group therapy every day. I relived every painful year from childhood to the present then, and believe me it was not easy. I had to relive beatings, rape, verbal abuse and all the painful emotions that went along with it. There were times when I wanted it all to end, but I kept going and am thankful I did. I still read my journals I had to write during that time.. to bring me back when I'm sinking into depression.

Without this therapy, I would not be posting to you or anyone else, and I would not have had the enjoyment of seeing my grandson being born and watching him take his first steps. He is 14 months old now. So, my daughter and grandson are my main joy and reason for living and not giving up. To make a long story short.. I studied psychology myself after receiving so much help and specialize in teen and family counseling here in Germany. I am frequent in that language also. I don't do this for a living due to my dwindling health and now lung cancer, but I willingly help people for free when they seek me out.

What I'm trying to say, is that even if your first encounter with therapy scared you, don't give up. The deep engrained fears and anger you carry with you now are part of what is preventing you from going on with your life and making room for new experiences and memories. They will always stay a part of your life, as they were instrumental in molding you into the person you are now.
There are many driving forces leading us on the paths we take, good or bad, and we should accept that without those influences we would not be who we are.

So.. please rethink your attitude toward therapy as an option.


. I identify with your poetry.. Wish I had the talent.




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[Wondergirl]

I will not see a therapist again. I went to one during my heart issues times. It destroyed me for a few days to relive some past events in my life. Some of the memories my mind has shut off never to open again were brought back to existence. I cannot face them again, the mere fact as I type this tearing scares me what else can be uncovered.

This is evidence that therapy was beginning to work for you. Therapy pries open emotional doors that you have nailed shut.

[Marcus11]

Been a while :)

How are y'all to begin with?

Sorry I have not responded as of late, been very busy :) New job, producer speel in Cali for a few days and normal life.

As for me, I have changed myself a little bit in the past weekish or so to a more closed person again. My kindness does not stretch as far as it used to, and to be honest I am actually happier with myself. Not saying I am more of a jerk, but not letting people take advantage of some of the things I offer to true friends. :)

Have been debating the therapist approach, but if I do go with that, it will have to wait. Midterms, traveling and money will stop that one for a while.

To an issue that has been becoming more pressing is my exgf. Have worked with her twice now in the past two weeks. She is just to weird hah. Between staring at me (How she used to when we were dating) but not being able to see me from what she has spread, I am rather confused. Went to put my two weeks in the other day because of A) Money and B) I don't get the hours I need. Manager stated it was because my ex and I cannot work together, when we do she leaves crying, and left crying everyday when I first got hired; even when I was no where near working with her.
Fill me in on that one hah.

With that, I am debating to let my ego down for this one and play the chasing game for a while, and show her I care, and prove to her I never cheated on her. Never, ever have I chased a girl, for I never saw the need or had to, so will be a challenge for me, and also if I want to put myself through that pain. Either way it must be done, if not for the sake of our relationship, but a mutual closing that we both rightfully deserve, and I sure as heck want my stuff back from her.
Very weird she asks people at work about me, and what they think about me, but to ones own on that one.

Thoughts on the ex? :x

[Clough]

Hello Marcus11,

I'm not quite sure that I understand what you are asking. Are you wanting to get back together with her in order to get your stuff back? Really get back together with her? Or, just get back together so that your relationship can have some final closing to it?