[Nada]

I think I just need to talk about (or type in this case) how I feel about certain things in my life and then maybe some of you out there may have some advice that would help a little bit. At least I hope so. So I think I have to tell you why I am the way I am before you can help me or suggest advice. Here goes:

I haven't had the easiest go of things and most of that relates to my mother whom I have no clue how to deal with. My mom started using drugs heavily after my dad died. I was twelve when she started. The drugs made her do some crazy things. She used to be beat me heavily and scream that I was worthless and when she was done she would just leave the house. The worst part for me was that my sister would be hiding in the closet and would see everything. I would just pretend that I was okay and that I wasn't hurt at all and help her get ready for bed, or school, or lunch depending on the time of day. As time went on it only became worse and my top priority became to protect my sister from my mom and the men my mother brought home with her.

Eventually after my mom fractured my cheek bones and broke my nose we were taken into social services and then given to a foster home. The foster home we were sent to was actually one of my mom's best friends and for the first time in a long time I thought we were safe. I was wrong. This woman abused her own kids severely and started in on my sister and I as well. I was the oldest and tried very hard to protect these children from this woman. The worst part for my sister and I is that she would pretend that she cared for us and then show that she cared just to rip it away cruelly. She used to laugh when she saw how crushed and hurt we were. Eventually she threw me out. I had some idea it was coming because she used to see a derelict box or crate on the side of the road and tell me that was my new home.

About three years ago my mother came back into my life. She's clean and had used the NA process to become so. However she was living with her boyfriend and his abusive son and after the son beat her up she left and called me crying saying she had no where to go. I told her she could stay a few days at my house until she figures out what she was going to do. She ended up living with me, which was not something I was comfortable with. I could not get her to leave. She used to try to talk to me about the things that happened when she was on drugs and I didn't want to do that either because it would only upset her. But she would push and push and push until I would tell her about some of the things that had happened. When I did she would scream at me and throw things at me and call me a liar. At this time my sister started talking to me again. My sister had not been talking to me because our foster mom said if she contacted me she would hurt her. I was excited but than I found out that my foster mom was making her call me to yell obscenities at me, she was crying the whole time she did it. So between my mother and my sister calling me I had a nervous break down and tried to kill myself. I'm not usually that melodramatic about things and usually try very hard to look on the bright side of things but at that time I was so overwhelmed and wanted it to end. My boyfriend found me because I was supposed to go to his house and watch a movie and if it wasn't for him I don't even know were I would be. After that I moved out of my apartment and left it to my mom, ( I forced her to get everything changed over to her name.) and tried to get on with my life. Shortly after my sister called me and said she was graduating school and wanted to live with me.

I wanted her to live with me because I wanted her to be safe so she moved in with me. We were harassed for awhile by my foster mom but I called the police and got a restraining order. The worst part is my mom. She plays on both of our emotions. Sometimes I can't tell if she really loves us or just likes to toy with our emotions. To this day I sometimes here that chant of “You worthless piece of nothing…” in my head. When we tried to talk about these things in family counseling she'd scream that we were lying and that we made it all up and she refused to go anymore. Lately its been really bad and I feel like I am being pushed to that point were I feel so out of control of myself that I can't breath. To make it worse my foster mom found out were I live and I just don't know what to do. I feel like my world is being pulled from me again and I don't know if I can take it happening again.

Thank you for reading this if you do read it. Thank you anyway.

[N0help4u]

It sounds like in your case the best thing you could do is you, your boyfriend and your sister move as far away as you reasonably can NO forwarding address (or phone #) It is sad but that is just what you might need to do. You and your sister need a fresh start and familiar surroundings will only keep bringing back memories. Also talk with your sister and let her know any time she needs to talk about anything that she is having problems getting over
You are there. I think you need each other for moral support with everything the two of you have been through together.

[grammadidi]

Oh, sweetie, you have been through so much! You REALLY need to find a therapist or counsellor to deal with all of this! It is way too overwhelming to sort out on your own.

If you feel suicidal again, please call the suicide hotline number or get yourself straight to the hospital. Of course you feel overwhelmed and like you can't breathe! You have so much on your plate!

It sounds like you need to detach from both of these women. They are crazy-makers. If your foster mom contacts you at all, call the police immediately and pursue that restraining order. You are trying to handle the problems of others, and that is a heavy load. Right now, look after you! Pick up that phone and call a crisis line to tide you through until you can get the medical attention that you need.

You are the most important person in your life, Nada. Treat yourself with love and kindness.

Hugs, Didi

[navi1]

I think I just need to talk about (or type in this case) how I feel about certain things in my life and then maybe some of you out there may have some advice that would help a little bit. At least I hope so. So I think I have to tell you why I am the way I am before you can help me or suggest advice. Here goes:

I haven't had the easiest go of things and most of that relates to my mother whom I have no clue how to deal with. My mom started using drugs heavily after my dad died. I was twelve when she started. The drugs made her do some crazy things. She used to be beat me heavily and scream that I was worthless and when she was done she would just leave the house. The worst part for me was that my sister would be hiding in the closet and would see everything. I would just pretend that I was okay and that I wasn't hurt at all and help her get ready for bed, or school, or lunch depending on the time of day. As time went on it only became worse and my top priority became to protect my sister from my mom and the men my mother brought home with her.

Eventually after my mom fractured my cheek bones and broke my nose we were taken into social services and then given to a foster home. The foster home we were sent to was actually one of my mom's best friends and for the first time in a long time I thought we were safe. I was wrong. This woman abused her own kids severely and started in on my sister and I as well. I was the oldest and tried very hard to protect these children from this woman. The worst part for my sister and I is that she would pretend that she cared for us and then show that she cared just to rip it away cruelly. She used to laugh when she saw how crushed and hurt we were. Eventually she threw me out. I had some idea it was coming because she used to see a derelict box or crate on the side of the road and tell me that was my new home.

About three years ago my mother came back into my life. She's clean and had used the NA process to become so. However she was living with her boyfriend and his abusive son and after the son beat her up she left and called me crying saying she had no where to go. I told her she could stay a few days at my house until she figures out what she was going to do. She ended up living with me, which was not something I was comfortable with. I could not get her to leave. She used to try to talk to me about the things that happened when she was on drugs and I didn't want to do that either because it would only upset her. But she would push and push and push until I would tell her about some of the things that had happened. When I did she would scream at me and throw things at me and call me a liar. At this time my sister started talking to me again. My sister had not been talking to me because our foster mom said if she contacted me she would hurt her. I was excited but than I found out that my foster mom was making her call me to yell obscenities at me, she was crying the whole time she did it. So between my mother and my sister calling me I had a nervous break down and tried to kill myself. I'm not usually that melodramatic about things and usually try very hard to look on the bright side of things but at that time I was so overwhelmed and wanted it to end. My boyfriend found me because I was supposed to go to his house and watch a movie and if it wasn't for him I don't even know were I would be. After that I moved out of my apartment and left it to my mom, ( I forced her to get everything changed over to her name.) and tried to get on with my life. Shortly after my sister called me and said she was graduating school and wanted to live with me.

I wanted her to live with me because I wanted her to be safe so she moved in with me. We were harassed for awhile by my foster mom but I called the police and got a restraining order. The worst part is my mom. She plays on both of our emotions. Sometimes I can't tell if she really loves us or just likes to toy with our emotions. To this day I sometimes here that chant of “You worthless piece of nothing…” in my head. When we tried to talk about these things in family counseling she'd scream that we were lying and that we made it all up and she refused to go anymore. Lately its been really bad and I feel like I am being pushed to that point were I feel so out of control of myself that I can't breath. To make it worse my foster mom found out were I live and I just don't know what to do. I feel like my world is being pulled from me again and I don't know if I can take it happening again.

Thank you for reading this if you do read it. Thank you anyway.

You have made it this far never accept failure you have carried a heavy load for a long time and it is time to unload it. It might be a scary thought but maybe moving and starting in a new place far away from this people would be good for the both of you.

[Kayla-angel]

I agree with all the above. You are a very strong person and you will get through all of this but you don't have to do it all on your own.