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bizEmom07 · Oct 10, 2007, 01:58 PM

My 13 year old daughter has had a total transformation from last year. We are only into school 8 weeks, and she's been in trouble all the time, she talks back to her teachers, her grades are very poor and she doesn't seem to care. What bothers me a lot, well a lot is bothering me about it but, she doesn't have a reason/excuse for anything. She has no defense whatsoever.

For instance, she failed a test. She was given the study guide (which was pretty much the test), didn't study it, and failed... 38% failed. I asked her why she wouldn't study when it's given to her like that. She doesn't even have a "i was too tired" or "i didn't feel like studying", she has nothing to say for herself AT ALL. I've asked her if something's going on at school, maybe she needs to talk to someone, but she always says no.

Is this normal for the age? I'm not sure you could consider this age normal, but I'm hoping it's just a phase.

If you've had a teen and dealt with anything like this, your input is appreciated.

J_9 · Oct 10, 2007, 02:04 PM

Let me start by saying that I am a parent. I have four children, ages 21, 19, 13 and 5. All boys except the 13 year old.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way...

Who is the parent here? Do you expect study time at home? Do you monitor her studies? Do you help her with homework?

She was given the study guide (which was pretty much the test), didn't study it,

As her parent it is your responsibility to make sure that she studies it.

emo girl45 · Oct 10, 2007, 02:14 PM

Its really normal for her. Im 13 also and kids can just be irresponsible and talk back a lot, I know I am. You just need to really watch her. Tell her she can't do something if she doesn't do something else. Also talk to her about it, maybe something is going on with her and that's why she's being really rebellious. G
Good luck

bizEmom07 · Oct 10, 2007, 02:30 PM

Originally Posted by J_9

Let me start by saying that I am a parent. I have four children, ages 21, 19, 13 and 5. All boys except the 13 year old.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way....

Who is the parent here? Do you expect study time at home? Do you monitor her studies? Do you help her with homework?

As her parent it is your responsibility to make sure that she studies it.

I know my responsibilities as a parent.

Of course I expect her to do her homework, that is absurd that you would question that. Some of the problem is that she doesn't talk to me about anything. She doesn't relay every piece of homework she has, so I didn't even know she had the study guide. I do help her with her homework, usually just math. She's never seemed to need assistance on anything else. We've just begun having these problems... I've never had to worry about it before. I thought it was maybe an age thing, but I don't know.

I've punished her for the poor grades (the behavior has also been dealt with), but I don't really know that it's doing any good yet. That is still to be seen.

fairydusted · Oct 10, 2007, 03:32 PM

Originally Posted by bizEmom07

My 13 year old daughter has had a total transformation from last year. We are only into school 8 weeks, and she's been in trouble all the time, she talks back to her teachers, her grades are very poor and she doesn't seem to care. What bothers me alot, well alot is bothering me about it but, she doesn't have a reason/excuse for anything. She has no defense whatsoever.

for instance, she failed a test. She was given the study guide (which was pretty much the test), didn't study it, and failed...38% failed. I asked her why she wouldn't study when it's given to her like that. She doesn't even have a "i was too tired" or "i didn't feel like studying", she has nothing to say for herself AT ALL. I've asked her if somethings going on at school, maybe she needs to talk to someone, but she always says no.

Is this normal for the age? I'm not sure you could consider this age normal, but I'm hoping it's just a phase.

If you've had a teen and dealt with anything like this, your input is appreciated.

This is not normal or acceptable... it's kind of how my now 14 yr old started and I am still dealing with failing grades, disrespect... lying... etc... he will not open up to me... gets very angry when told no... I only know this is not normal... find a way to stop it now... go to therapy... do SOMETHING or it will only get worse and you 'll be told it's your fault!

J_9 · Oct 10, 2007, 03:58 PM

It's not absurd I ask that question. Do you even realize how many parents these days just "trust" that their children tell the truth? I have answered many a parent here who thought that it was more important that they be friends with their children than being a parent to their children.

Now, it is up to you to talk with the school, exchange e-mail addresses with teachers, check the schools website. You see, at my daughter's school (the 13 year old), they have agendas that must be signed daily, their homework is listed in the agenda, the teachers have their own websites where the homework for the day, week, month that it is due is listed.

If this were my child, and I don't know yours, I don't pretend to, but I know when it is time to talk with the teachers, maybe you have already, I don't know. Time to be proactive in your daughter's education. Talk to the teachers, daily if you have to.

How do you handle the behavior? Have you taken things away not to give them back until she earns them back?

bizEmom07 · Oct 10, 2007, 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by fairydusted

this is not normal or acceptable.....it's kinda how my now 14 yr old started out and i am still dealing with failing grades, disrespect...lying....etc........he will not open up to me.....gets very angry when told no......I only know this is not normal......find a way to stop it now...go to therapy....do SOMETHING or it will only get worse and you 'll be told it's your fault!

I can agree with that. My husband & I have talked about going to therapy with her or something. We're taking it day at a time right now. We'd like to see if our teacher meetings, punishment, and just various things we are doing right now are going to help. It hasn't really been long enough to know if she's going to respond positively.

Thanks for commenting!

J_9 · Oct 10, 2007, 04:00 PM

Therapy may be necessary, but there may be other things going on that you can deal with without therapy. The poor gal is going through some horrendous hormonal changes right now. Please read my answer above.

bizEmom07 · Oct 10, 2007, 04:13 PM

Originally Posted by J_9

It's not absurd I ask that question. Do you even realize how many parents these days just "trust" that their children tell the truth? I have answered many a parent here who thought that it was more important that they be friends with their children than being a parent to their children.

Now, it is up to you to talk with the school, exchange e-mail addresses with teachers, check the schools website. You see, at my daughter's school (the 13 year old), they have agendas that must be signed daily, their homework is listed in the agenda, the teachers have their own websites where the homework for the day, week, month that it is due is listed.

If this were my child, and I don't know yours, I don't pretend to, but I know when it is time to talk with the teachers, maybe you have already, I don't know. Time to be proactive in your daughter's education. Talk to the teachers, daily if you have to.

How do you handle the behavior? Have you taken things away not to give them back until she earns them back?

I realize that I can no longer trust her to tell the truth. Well, let me rephrase that. I don't think, and have never had reason to believe that she lies, I have just found that she doesn't tell the entire story.

I, and my husband, have talked with her teachers and are in constant contact. At this point, it's a little too late, but we can certainly nip it in the bud now and hopefully next nine weeks will look better. We are proactive parents, but have always trusted that she was up on her school work, because she's always been pretty good about it. I realize now, that we could have kept better watch somehow.

We have taken things away, but this problem is only a very recent occurrence, so we don't know if her consequences will be taken to heart by her.

J_9 · Oct 10, 2007, 04:20 PM

I can empathize with you. I really can. I went through this with my son who is now 21.

It may be a little too late for this 9 weeks, but that's about to start all over again right?

As parents we have to remember that the teen years are very hard on kids. When disciplining my children I have to try and remember what I was going through back then, but for me that was 30 years ago (with my teen daughter), so it can be hard.

Just remember that, no matter what, you will get through this, one day at a time.

margarita_momma · Oct 11, 2007, 11:22 AM

The only question I have is, what is she doing with the time she is suppose to be studying? Talking on the phone, playing on the internet, watching TV, reading magazines, listening to music, etc. Take them away. I would strip every luxury she has out of her life and tell her if she wants to get them back then her grades need to improve. This is what my dad did to me when I was 13 and let me tell you, not having a phone almost killed me at that age. She will get tired of sitting in her boring room grounded while all her friends are hanging out. Tough love! Best tool my father ever taught me.

Good Luck! ;)

bizEmom07 · Oct 11, 2007, 01:44 PM

Originally Posted by margarita_momma

The only question I have is, what is she doing with the time she is suppose to be studying? Talking on the phone, playing on the internet, watching tv, reading magazines, listening to music, etc. Take them away. I would strip every luxury she has out of her life and tell her if she wants to get them back then her grades need to improve. This is what my dad did to me when I was 13 and let me tell ya, not having a phone almost killed me at that age. She will get tired of sitting in her boring room grounded while all her friends are hanging out. Tough love! Best tool my father ever taught me.

Good Luck! ;)

Thanks for commenting... from everyone's comments, I think I'm on the right track.

From talking to her, it seems that she's just been trying to "wing it" on tests. She does do her daily work, because I help her a lot with that and she seems to have a lot of it. However, it seems that she doesn't study for her tests and I don't know when she has one coming up. I'm working on being more informed. As I've said before, I never had to question it.

I have taken everything away at this point. She has kept her cell phone because I need to be able to get in touch with her, but she doesn't have texting capabilities so she doesn't really use it. She was supposed to go to a haunted house hopping party with her best friend on Saturday, and is unable to go. This is devasting to her, so I'm hoping it's sinking in. The computer is also off limits, and her my space page has been deleted. She is well aware that her life will consist of chores & school work until I see improvement. I do use opportunities to remind her why she is grounded and why she can't go here or do that, in hopes that she will see the light.

I haven't grounded her "to her room" though. You may not have meant literally, but I used to get grounded to my room and I would be thankful so that I didn't have to spend time with my family and they would leave me alone. I don't want that for her. I want her to interact with us and talk with us about her life/day. I'm afraid that option may backfire on me, so we haven't gone there yet.
Anyway, I think we're handling this the best way we can and we just pray that she responds well.
My husband is meeting with one of her teachers who she is having problems with, so maybe we can get that resolved too.

margarita_momma · Oct 11, 2007, 02:26 PM

It sounds to me like you are on the right track. It just takes some time for these things to sink into teenager's heads (note the term, "hard headed"). Has she brought home any bad grades since the punishment was put into play? Also, do you have a certain study time set aside every night for her to do her homework? If she isn't going to tell you when she has tests and such, start treating her like a 2nd grader again and make her bring everything home so you can look through it. Give her a notebook to write down her daily assignments so you will have an agenda to go by during your nightly study time. My dad would make me write down all the homework I had from each class on a sheet of paper and I had to show him the completed assignment before I could cross it off. Yeah, he was strict but I graduated Salutatorian of my 2003 class and I owe that to him. :o

CharlesM · Oct 13, 2007, 06:34 PM

As a mother of 5 children, everyone of my children became rebellious around the age of 13, and came out of it after about 2 years, yes I even took them to counceling, but it is a hormonal phase. There is nothing phsycologically wrong with my kids, nor is it due to not paying attention to their needs or schooling.
A child of this age, you can not watch 24 hours. Mostly it is caused by peers at school. Just let your child know you are open for them. Be there for them. I am not saying be a friend as I am assuming some of you are thinking. But a child needs to know they are not going to be judged. Other wise they will shut you out.
Keep an eye on their friends.

Best of luck

sGt HarDKorE · Oct 13, 2007, 06:43 PM

Well I didn't read much of the going back and forth but if you want an answer just make sure you aren't yelling and you 2 are alone. Remember no yelling because she will just think you will get mad if she does say something.

Secondly, there really is not a way to make a child do homework. I mean you can't force them write or anything.

You still have time to help her succeed in school as grades don't really mean much until high school. However that's not an excuse just a thought. Try making compramises. She does 1 homework assignment or gets one A on a test she gets to stay up late. Do it one grade at a time. You can't expect her to get all A's the following day. Do it one class at a time, and start with the class she is best in, so it comes easy to her and she gets more confidence in herself.