[LUVMYDAUGHTER]

I don't know what to say or what to do anymore. It saddens me and it is like a heavy burden on my heart. My oldest daughter just recently got divorced (it's not actually final yet) and has moved to the west coast. We are from the Midwest. She went out there to live with an old BF of hers that is in the Marines and stationed there. We have raised our children in the church and the girls attended a private christian school. I do know and realize that each person has to within themselves decide what or if they will choose to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. My daughter also has and eating disorder. When she was here she was seeing a therapist... actually a PHD about her eating disorder and also about the marriage situation. She married at age 19.
Now that she is on the west coast she is not seeing anyone any more because she doesn't currently have insurance and it is too expensive so I'm concerned as well about her health.
She has several other relationships going with men besides the one she is living with. I call and she is seeing someone else.
I am scared for her. For her health, for her relationships, for her spiritual health and everything else. I'm scared to death the next thing she will be offered drugs by one of these men and she will take them as well as long as she is pleasing the man.
She is very attractive and knows she can use her looks as a power play. I know she has low self-esteem and gets her self esteem from men giving her their approving looks.
How do I talk to her? How much do I share my concern? Where do I draw the line? How to I keep it from eating me up and feeling like she is still my responsibility to guide and that I ultimately will be held responsible by God for what she has become? Where are her morals or does she even have them or a conscious anymore?
I talk to her at least 2 times a week. She feels free to share with me what she is doing... her father doesn't know the half. I just listen and bite my tongue. I'm scared that if I question too much or scold her that it will cut off our communication because she doesn't want to be convicted of anything.
I am flying out to see her shortly and will be staying in her apartment with her and the BF who I know. I'm sure he is not aware of the other men on the side. It makes me also sad for him that she is treating him this way. I feel quilty for that too.
I have let her life affect my day and there is nothing I can do about it!
Can you help me ease my burdens? I need some insight to save my daughter from self destruction. It scares me the thought of losing my child.
Thanks for any thoughts, ideas and support!!

[fredg]

Hi,
I do feel for your concern about your 24 yr old daughter. I, too, am a Christian, and try following Jesus' teaching from the New Testament. I am 63 yrs old, married to my second wife now for 28 yrs, with 3 grown children, and one 8 yr old grandson... so, in some terms, been there, done that.
My brother and I were raised in a Christian family, with my deceased Mom and Dad giving all they could in raising us as Christians, with Christian values.
I thank them for that almost every day of my life.
Your daughter has to live and learn things for herself, with your guidance. You have given her a lot, and should be proud of what you have taught her.
There are two things involved; Worry and Concern. Worry can not help anyone, it only promotes more Worry! Concern means if there is something you can do, then do it... but try your best not to be overcome with Worry.
Please continue listening to her, trying to help. But, I would not mention her other boyfriends... that is up to her. You could lose her confidence in you.
The best we can do in life is to offer help; and hope that if it is the right path we are offering, that the person will take it.
I will pray for you, and the best you can do is to pray for your daughter, and continue trying to help her. Hopefully, in the future, she will see what is going on, and maybe change. If not, then pray for Strength from the Lord to get you through it.
I sincerely wish you the best.

[LUVMYDAUGHTER]

Yes... I keep telling myself when my heart is hurting for my child and when I feel the concern of where she is allowing the world to take her I have to remember to just pray for her. Then I have to let it go and that's the hard part. You want so much for your children to be happy in life, successful in life and to eventually have a wonderful family of their own. That is the storybook life and one that I didn't have for myself but I wanted for my kids.
I just thank God that my daughter does not have children yet.

Thanks for the advice about the BF's. I never know how much to ask and then there is more I know and then more to have on my brain about. I know it is her relationships and she has to answer for them... not me. It's just I start to feel for the ones she uses and leaves behind and has no thought to their feelings. I didn't want to raise her that way. I do believe Eating Disorders have a way of making someone extremely selfish. It is an addiction and has to be treated as such. She is my drama queen. Sometimes when she calls I almost hate to pick up it up... is she having a bad day or a good day?? She can up and down so fast.

I do believe I will ask her if she shouldn't consider seeing someone again about the eating disorder... a counselor or a therapist. I did pay for the one that she was seeing here (after insurance) because she would not have gone because she couldn't afford it, but the therapist was excellent and it was someone other than me that had knowledge on how to deal with the situation.

I know there is so many people in their 20's out there sleeping with whomever, having various affairs, and having no thought to morales and values. They have gone out the window. So then one tends to rationalize our actions then. I feel for young people today and what they have to deal with. I know God must just look down on the world sometimes and cry.

How does one work on relationships with their adult children? How do we loosen the strings and the responsibilities that we feel? I have so much to learn!!

[Chery]

I don't know what to say or what to do anymore. It saddens me and it is like a heavy burden on my heart. My oldest daughter just recently got divorced (it's not actually final yet) and has moved to the west coast. We are from the Midwest. She went out there to live with an old BF of hers that is in the Marines and stationed there. We have raised our children in the church and the girls attended a private christian school. I do know and realize that each person has to within themselves decide what or if they will choose to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. My daughter also has and eating disorder. When she was here she was seeing a therapist...actually a PHD about her eating disorder and also about the marriage situation. She married at age 19.
Now that she is on the west coast she is not seeing anyone any more because she doesn't currently have insurance and it is too expensive so I'm concerned as well about her health.
She has several other relationships going with men besides the one she is living with. I call and she is seeing someone else.
I am scared for her. For her health, for her relationships, for her spiritual health and everything else. I'm scared to death the next thing she will be offered drugs by one of these men and she will take them as well as long as she is pleasing the man.
She is very attractive and knows she can use her looks as a power play. I know she has low self-esteem and gets her self esteem from men giving her their approving looks.
How do I talk to her? How much do I share my concern? Where do I draw the line? How to I keep it from eating me up and feeling like she is still my responsiblity to guide and that I ultimately will be held responsible by God for what she has become? Where are her morals or does she even have them or a conscious anymore?
I talk to her at least 2 times a week. She feels free to share with me what she is doing...her father doesn't know the half. I just listen and bite my tongue. I'm scared that if I question too much or scold her that it will cut off our communication because she doesn't want to be convicted of anything.
I am flying out to see her shortly and will be staying in her apartment with her and the BF who I know. I'm sure he is not aware of the other men on the side. It makes me also sad for him that she is treating him this way. I feel quilty for that too.
I have let her life affect my day and there is nothing I can do about it!!
Can you help me ease my burdens? I need some insight to save my daughter from self distruction. It scares me the thought of losing my child.
Thanks for any thoughts, ideas and support!!!

My daughter is also going through a divorce, and I can see the changes she is going through.. while still with her husband, she started gaining weight - because she 'fed' her frustrations. Now she is the 'barbie doll' she used to be, and not by having an eating dirsorder, but by exercising, and watching what she eats, also has gotten rid of the main reason for her frustration. When I was young, I also looked like a 'barbie", but married a wife abuser and used alcohol as an escape which made me 'larger'. What I'm try to explain is that when unhappy, frustrated, or angry, we all look for a 'crutch'. Your daughter used a crutch for many reasons but that does not mean she does not know what she's doing or why. This might be a little too personal to her and she might not be ready to share it with you.
All you can do, since you are a religious person, is pray - for yourself also, as we all make mistakes and have to live with them She chose to escape from her 'old' surroundings because she feels they did her no good. Why are you thinking of all the 'negative' things that could/would happen?? Why not try to look at a positive side and have the confidence in her that you feel she lacks.
Insure her that you love her unconditionally and will support her no matter what - that's what a mother is for. She is no longer a child, but a woman, and must make her own way, so just be there for her as best as you can, and concentrate on the ones still at home. Good Luck.

[LUVMYDAUGHTER]

My daughter was in a marriage where they both were not mature enough probably. She was wanting the husband to take care of her and provide stablity and protection. He was married to his car and was lazy. She wasn't used to that. He was also emotionally and verbally abusive. I do know that the ED was something she could control and when things were out of control it became would be worse as well as anxiety attacks and depression.

She I'm sure has to go through a cleansing of some sort. I know in my mind I need to allow her to do that and go the road that she chooses and make the mistakes that she does along the way. It seems at times I expect more out of them then I do myself. It's like I don't want them to make my mistakes.

She still wants the safetly and dependence of the BF that she lives with but the fun of having the affections of others. She feeds off it. I'm sure she will have to live the through the drama of what she is creating with all the relationships and lies that she has to tell in order to pull them off.

She is a smart girl and does very well at her work. She is competitive with the other women and sees them as such. Because of this she is better being in an management position.

Thanks again for other words of wisdom!

[Chery]

We can never prevent our kids from 'making the mistakes we made' because we wouldn't listen to our mom's either. But this is a normal part of growing up, no matter how old we are. You must continue to encourage instead of discourage your children. Before you critizise, please think of a compliment first. I was a wreck trying to constantly please my mom and get a compliment out of her, but it never came and that broke me, but I swore I would never do this to my child. I praise her every day for something she did and always tell her I'm proud to be her mom. This is the best we can do. Again, Good Luck and best wishes for all of you.

[momincali]

Luvmydaughter- God gave you a beautiful daughter to whom you taught many wonderful things, everything from addition to how to dress herself to maybe how to drive a car. You taught her to love Jesus Christ and in essence you taught her the difference between right and wrong. Right and wrong are the basis of our actions. When she was younger your obligations were to keep her on the path of righteousness, day in and day out. Once she grew up and got married, you could no longer make those decisions for her. That conscience, those morals that you instilled in her did not magically disappear, she chose to put that information in farthest part of her brain. She knows the difference between right and wrong now, but is CHOOSING, to do what she feels is convenient to her at this moment. You can still be the wise and loving mother that she had growing up and give her your opinions but ultimately she has to be the one to decide, just as Jesus did for us. He forces no one to follow his ways and examples but he left us his word for reference should we need a little reminding. He also left us a way to get in touch with him should we need to talk, get help or find our way back. I believe that if you disagree with her actions of living with one man but dating others behind his back (which you should), it's your obligation to tell her that, EVEN IF, you believe that saying so will make her angry and cut off your ties to her. She is using this poor guy and that is wrong, wrong, wrong. Even if your heart says you want to protect your daughter, how are you protecting or helping her by allowing this kind of self-destructive behavior. Have you ever considered the fact that she may accidentally become pregnant or contract some sort of STD by one of the other men?? What then?? Whether this man she is living with is a decent human being or not, he doesn't deserve that kind of betrayal and standing by and doing or saying nothing about it seems to me to be contrary to what you yourself believe in. Telling your kid you will love and support them no matter what they choose is a pretty broad statement. I mean if my child does something that I believe to my core is wrong and can severely hurt herself and others I will be appaulled and destroyed by sadness. I will still love him/her. However, I will not have the respect, admiration and certainly not support them or their actions. By reading all of your posts, it seems to me that you were a darn good mom to her and you want to continue to be there for her, but being there for her doesn't just mean praising her for the good, but reminding her to behave when she doesn't. It doesn't make you a bad mom to have a backbone and tell your daughter you disagree with her lifestyle, on the contrary, it makes you a real mom. Don't beat yourself to a pulp trying to rescue your daughter from herself, that's her job. I don't believe we are put here to be our adult children's best friends, if we create a tight bond, that's a beautiful thing but I believe we are put here to be their parents and do what parents do best, love, guide and nag! Well, to a point. They are adults and must be left to make their own choices and we can give them advice if they ask, and if they decide to take it, great, and if they don't, that's okay too. They will eventually learn that mom's always right... almost always. :)

[Chery]

When my mom was pregnant with me she tried to abort me. While I was growing up she treated me like crap and continued to do so until the day she died. Guess who cared for her during her illness and who paid for her funeral?
But since I was an abused child, and then later married someone who abused me, I turned to alcohol. Thank goodness I looked for help and got it and am dry now for the last 25 years. I learned during my therapy of 5 1/2 months, in a clinic where all types of women with alcohol, drug, and ED problems were, that there was a reason why we did what we did, and it usually led to issues I no longer thought about or remembered until it came out in regression therapy. Without this help, I probably would not have existed 24 years ago anymore. I'm glad I faced my problem and found a solution, therefore was rewarded with a beautiful daughter. That's why I will love my child unconditionally. She is well rounded, educated and not on drugs, alcohol or criminal minded. But this was not easy, as she had to deal with a drunk mom and wondering what I was doing while she was at school,etc. When I was drinking I never lied to my child, and always thanked her for her help. When I recovered, I told her how happy I was to have had her and that I defied doctor's orders not to have a child as my heart was damaged during my mother's attempt to abort me. So, I constantly gave her confidence and reassurance that she was wanted. She has made her mistakes in life too, but I advised her and gave her examples, but did not force her to follow them. But I did hear a lot of 'you were right' after she went through a few critical times. I still maintain that you should love your child 'unconditionally' whether a criminal or saint.. I swore I would always be there for her no matter what. This is what brings us so close. We went to therapy together and the therapist said I could not have done better. Let's face it, when our kids fall, it is our responsibility to pick them up, but not at the same time telling then they should not have fallen in the first place.. this takes their affection and self-confidence away from them.
Your daughter looked for someone strong to lean on when she married, but did not get it, that's not too much to expect. Now she is looking for warmth and wellbeing elsewhere and you must let her go and not be so judgemental of her, that way she'll come back and will be appreciative of you all the more for your support. And your post did sound judgemental, at least to me.. Almost everything including her marriage at a young age to what she is doing now was a judgement since she didn't do it 'your way'.

I found three places you can check up on ED; one link is to a document you can print, the others are sites explaining different types and recovery rates, and more to include warning signs for the future.
I hope this helped explain my previous post here. Don't worry so much about the dear, you have others who you must tune in on now so that they will not be as misguided as the first. We all can only do so much.. Good Luck.

http://www.wpic.pitt.edu/research/pf...idePaper11.PDF
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/revie...136125,00.html
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.o...WebPage_ID=337

[LUVMYDAUGHTER]

MOMINCALI~Thanks for your insight. I have struggled between advice and nagging I guess now that my daughters are adults (24,22,20). I just would not be able to live with myself if I just stood by and watched my child self-distruct and I have wrestled with how to do it without wounding the spirit. She already has low self-esteem. I really have no one to share with about the truth about really how my child is doing. When I go to church they ask... How's your daughter doing in CA? I just say she loves it! There is no need for the whole truth. It only leads to gossip.
I am fearful of my husband because of how he reacts to things.. it's always been that way. He hollors at the girls and I go and sooth their hurts and give them love. He never has expressed emotion with them. I'm sure that this is some of the reason my daughter has the need to seek male affection and approval... because she had to work so hard for it at home and they still are.
I don't dare say all to him because for fear how he would react towards her. He always more concerned about what others would think (Pastor, church friends)as far as what the girls are doing. His remark would be... how can she do this after I sent her to a christian school, etc. etc. He does know that she is living with the Marine and that was even hard for me to tell him. She couldn't. She has been truthful with me and has shared and so I have all this on me and feel the responsibility of caring her burdens. If something would happen to her there I could never forgive myself if I hadn't at least warned her or cautioned her or shared with her about where I see her headed.
It's like if you see someone blind walking towards a cliff and you do nothing to warn them about the danger that lies ahead.
My problem I know is that I'm co-dependent. I feel I have to comfort, control, and then take on their worries, feel responsible for peoples feelings, emotions and all that. I even to that with my Spanish I high school students that I teach. Ugghhh!! How to overcome the issues... and here I am expecting my child to. That is why I said earlier that I want my children to rise above me I guess. To behave, to live, to act, how I myself cannot. Life is a journey is it not. We live and learn and I have to let go I know and allow them the same life experiences. :(

[LUVMYDAUGHTER]

CHERY~ Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy for you and can only admire you for the strength you had to have to give up your addiction. There are so many things out there that we can do to ourselves to try and mask the feelings and emotions that we have. I was adopted as well and have just in the past 2 years found out about my background. I'm 48 now. My birth father died from drug and alcohol abuse and almost all the other siblings on my father's side died from the same... especially the alcohol abuse at young ages. I'm wondering that possibly my daughter could have some genetics against her as well. 2 of my half siblings that I have met (we share the same father) are alcoholics and 1 is also into drugs. There is another that I have met as well and he is a recovering alcoholic. None of us have lived with our birth parents and all have issues. Thank God I was spared the alcohol and drugs but I soothed my spirit with food. I always have been over weight. I went through a blame period as well when coming to grips with my daughter's ED that is was because she didn't want to be like her overweight mother. She did tell me once when I asked that it did affect her when I would complain about my weight and how I didn't want to be in pictures because of my weight. So now I'm careful and don't go there in front of her. The other daughters it never bothered.

Do I ask my daughter about going back to counseling? Do I offer to pay for it again if she goes since I know she can't afford it. Would she just be going for me or for herself... I guess I would have to ask her that.

I have assured all my daughters and I know they know it that their mother loves them no matter what. I tell them that all the time. I never talk to them without saying that I love them before I hang up. My other 2 daughters are in college.. the middle daughter graduates in Dec. and the other is a junior and has several years left because she is in pre-vet.

I do believe sometimes that reason I try to hang on to them is because for so long they were my only blood family and because they have been my life. Now I need to find one!! A life that is!!

[momincali]

I know that it is easier for me to say and think this because I am not in your shoes, but please don't be sad. Sadness is an emotion that many times will paralyze us and not allow us to move forward. Your daughter is very fortunate to have such a caring and loving mother. She needs you, all your daughters need you, your husband needs you, so don't let other's problems eat you alive. It's normal to have a heavy heart over things like this, I never tell anyone not to behave normally, just don't let it consume you. I don't know how long you have been married to your husband but I think that you and he both would benefit greatly if you were to turn your focus on your relationship with him. Renew the feelings and affection and love you felt for him the day you fell in love. Spend more time with him, reaquainting yourself and sharing more of yourself with him. I think if you were to show your husband how much you love and respect him still, he would swim through shark infested waters just to bring you a lemonade. I also think this would strengthen your confidence in him and any burdens you may be feeling with regards to yourself or your children, he will happily help you carry. That's his job. Don't be afraid to speak to him about anything. If he comes off harsh, calmly remind him that you are making an effort at communicating and reinforcing your connection with him and he is making it difficult by reacting so negatively. Don't be surprised or take it in the wrong way when he becomes angry that his daughter is doing the contrary to what she was taught, that's reasonable. Were you not also disappointed? He is just showing it in a different manner. He may need as much comforting as you do, after all, that was his little girl. Although he may come off as emotionally unavailable, there was something in him, including warm emotions, that convinced you to marry him and have three kids. I am not asking you to forget about your daughter, not at all, however, I think she may also benefit from seeing her parents in a strong, loving and warm relationship. You just may be the role model she is looking for to convince her that love is worth having, real love, not what she gets from those other men.

[Chery]

I am fearful of my husband because of how he reacts to things.. it's always been that way. He hollors at the girls and I go and sooth their hurts and give them love. He never has expressed emotion with them. I'm sure that this is some of the reason my daughter has the need to seek male affection and approval... because she had to work so hard for it at home and they still are.
I don't dare say all to him because for fear how he would react towards her. He always more concerned about what others would think (Pastor, church friends)as far as what the girls are doing. His remark would be... how can she do this after I sent her to a christian school, etc. etc. He does know that she is living with the Marine and that was even hard for me to tell him. She couldn't. She has been truthful with me and has shared and so I have all this on me and feel the responsibility of caring her burdens.

My problem I know is that I'm co-dependent. I feel I have to comfort, control, and then take on their worries, feel responsible for peoples feelings, emotions and all that. I even to that with my Spanish I high school students that I teach. Ugghhh!! How to overcome the issues... and here I am expecting my child to. That is why I said earlier that I want my children to rise above me I guess. To behave, to live, to act, how I myself cannot. Life is a journey is it not. We live and learn and I have to let go I know and allow them the same life experiences. :(

Good for you, you figured out what the initial problem was and why your daughter married so early - she needed to get out of the frying pan but wound up in the fire... Please don't carry all this on your shoulder and don't give a darn about what other's think. Concentrate on your other two daughters and give them confidence. Your main responsibility is your children. Your husband has 'control' and you can't change him, but you certainly can help yourself and them. If you are so 'into the church' why not talk to the pator? He should not be a gossiper, and if I understand correctly, they are bound by a owth to keep your talks confidential, but at least it's a start. We will always be here for you, but getting help 'close to home' would give you the reassurance and comfort you need. Again, Good Luck.
P.S. I did not mean to 'put you down', just gave you food for thought, and I hope it's taken that way.

[Chery]

CHERY~ Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy for you and can only admire you for the strength you had to have to give up your addiction. There are so many things out there that we can do to ourselves to try and mask the feelings and emotions that we have. I was adopted as well and have just in the past 2 years found out about my background. I'm 48 now. My birth father died from drug and alcohol abuse and almost all the other siblings on my father's side died from the same...especially the alcohol abuse at young ages. I'm wondering that quite possibly my daughter could have some genetics against her as well. 2 of my half siblings that I have met (we share the same father) are alcoholics and 1 is also into drugs. There is another that I have met as well and he is a recovering alcoholic. None of us have lived with our birth parents and all have issues. Thank God I was spared the alcohol and drugs but I soothed my spirit with food. I always have been over weight. I went thru a blame period as well when coming to grips with my daughter's ED that is was because she didn't want to be like her overweight mother. She did tell me once when I asked that it did affect her when I would complain about my weight and how I didn't want to be in pictures because of my weight. So now I'm careful and don't go there in front of her. The other daughters it never bothered.

Do I ask my daughter about going back to counseling? Do I offer to pay for it again if she goes since I know she can't afford it. Would she just be going for me or for herself...I guess I would have to ask her that.

I have assured all my daughters and I know they know it that their mother loves them no matter what. I tell them that all the time. I never talk to them without saying that I love them before I hang up. My other 2 daughters are in college..the middle daughter graduates in Dec. and the other is a junior and has several years left because she is in pre-vet.

I do believe sometimes that reason I try to hang on to them is because for so long they were my only blood family and because they have been my life. Now I need to find one!!! A life that is!!!

Girl, (I'm 55), so again girl, you just answered your questions yourself and are not at all wrong about worrying about your children, but just don't carry the whole world on your shoulders to divert from your own problems and fears. Good for you for realizing that there is a chance for life to change once faced. You can ask your daughter is she needs financial support, but if she declines, don't be hurt. This is something she might want to do on her own to prove that you can be proud of her, and to prove it to herself as well. All your girls know what's going on and they have for a long time. Children are like sponges from early on, they assess things on their own and come to conclusions that help them or hinder them from making choices. But just be there for them and most of all yourself - what would you like to do? Have you asked yourself that question at all for the last 20 years? Your children are grown up now, so your focus must be on something else, that's part of it, you miss being there for others because you diverted that from yourself for so long. So, now go for it and check on a few things you'd like to do, it's never too late. Boy, I'm so proud of you, I could just give you a great big HUG!

[spoilsport]

Sorry to hear this. If you can afford it you might invite your daughter for a trip and take her with you for harmless treks, good tours to get her mid off things. Maybe you should share this with your husband as it would be better to do so - I think he ought to know what's going on and he might have an excellent solution. No use keeping him in the dark. You need someone else too to solve this.
Ask a good counselor too.
Offcourse praying will help too.
Hope this helps.
Lots of good luck.

[spoilsport]

LuvMyDaughter,
Forgive yourself.Please don't connect to the past- it's a matter of perspective. There is a story that says 2 sons were born to a drunkard father. One son became famus, rich and well respected the other went t jail. When asked the first said it was because he decided not to follow his fathers example and the other said it was all because of his father.
Each one has the power to choose and it is they who make their life. Now that she is 24, she will think for herself and soemtimes you might not feel connected- you can try to connect. But don't allow that to cloud your mind too mcuh. Hope for the best.
Try and see if you can go for a trip together, some hike or soemthing. See if there is a group activity going on- like art of living or somehthing (google art of living DSN course).
Please don't blame yourself for her mistakes or hold anyone else responsible. It will all become better, don't worry. Pray if it helps.

Probably change your way of communicating to her if one way (tone voice, body langauge/write instead of talk, go to a good movie together watch it before hand and try and get a movie that wants to convey what you feel or what may happen if she goes the way she is going..
Try and get some ides.

Goodluck.

[akost]

I wish I could figure out how to get back in my 25 year old daughters life too. She has a son who she takes from me when she is in one of her moods. I can't afford to pay her car insurance any longer and she is not speaking to me. Calls me a liar and says I am not helping her even though she can't afford it and she is begging me. Every time I try to contact her she calls me retarded and tells me not to contact her again. I miss my grandson, but not her... she has treated me like crap since she met her husband at age 17. She puts rules in place when I have my grandson... not allowed to leave my home with him in a stroller... won't leave a carseat so I can't keep him on days when I have errands... yet she rear-ended someone with her baby in the back seat. I'm just lost trying to figure out how to deal with her. For now, I am just doing as she has asked... leaving her alone and not helping her at all until she changes her attitude... she is the meanest person I've ever known in my life and I didn't raise her that way. So my advice is to just leave it alone... if there are grandchildren involved, send a gift card to them every now and then so they know you are thinking about them.