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maryanng1016 · Oct 6, 2007, 07:04 PM

I have been married for 7 years and have two children, ages 6 and 2. My husband is considerate, thoughtful and basically loving; however, I feel very disconnected from him. He gets up to do work on the computer (answer emails, etc) at 5 or 5:30 each morning and is ready for bed by 9:30 each night. On the other hand, I like to sleep until around 7 and go to bed around 11. Thus, we rarely have sex, maybe two or three times per month. He seems very caught up in work (he owns his own business). I work about 30 hours per week as a social worker and have significantly downscaled my career since we had kids. I don't like the town we live in, but we live here due to his business location. I moved here when we got married and have never really been happy here. It's a small town with few people I want to be befriend.

So, I have a considerate hubby, great kids, little sex, and little time with my husband. I know I have issues in this (resistance to friendships in the town, still carrying 30 lbs from last pregnancy, etc.). Here's my question... how do I fix this? When I try to talk to my husband, he says he thinks our marriage is great and he doesn't know what I'm talking about. He also says he does not want to move because of his business. So, am I just unrealistic in my expectations or should I move on and pursue a life that feels better to me?

N0help4u · Oct 6, 2007, 07:10 PM

Think of the pros and cons
How do you think you would you really feel after leaving him
And his feelings?
What do you think you would gain by 'moving on'?
The grass isn't always greener and often there is no going back.
Rather than talking about your relationship and how to fix it
Try to think of things you can do to make it more exciting -get creative.

star3114 · Oct 6, 2007, 08:10 PM

Try marriage counseling. The grass may seem greener on the other side, but it usually isn't. It just gives you extra baggage to deal with.

Marily · Oct 7, 2007, 06:56 AM

Maybe you should find another job, so that you could spend more time with your husband

Matt86 · Oct 7, 2007, 03:18 PM

I agree with Marily. I think you should find another job that you could spend more time with your husband. Also you should talk to him about this topic because you need to have the pressure of sex. Seriously, If one of you don't feel the pressure of sex with the other one, he or she will have sex with another person instead of the husband or the wife.

donf · Oct 7, 2007, 05:03 PM

Why not ask your husband if you could help him in the office when you are short on hours.

Bring him lunch at work and force him to have lunch with you.

momtofour · Oct 10, 2007, 08:54 AM

I would put a plan together. The first part of the plan should address spending more one on one time with your husband. Set a date night, non negotiable, go out just the two of you, blow dry your hair, throw on some makeup and rekindle that fire! Second part, get out there, join a committee, a book club, a gym and make some new friends. There must be someone out there that you connect with as a girlfriend, we all need them! Thirdly, start walking! It will invigorate you and it is a great outlet to clear your head. Involve your children and husband, just do it, srart walking! Get that pre-pregnancy figure back and regain some of your positive energy while bonding with your family. You will be amazed at how losing 10, 20 lbs can boost your spirits! Give it a try, try it for 3 months! It took me an entire year to get back to my wedding weight (lost 25 lbs and it feels GREAT!

talaniman · Oct 10, 2007, 03:38 PM

Not only have you slipped into a rut, but don't seem to be on the same page at this time. Your unwillingness to not make friends has you feeling isolated and alone. You need to do what you enjoy, and have time for yourself and make time for your husband. Not easy, but getting out of that routine, and finding peace and enjoyment is your responsibility, to yourself. Work on building your own life.

star3114 · Oct 10, 2007, 06:51 PM

It is hard to find happiness in others, if you are unhappy with yourself.

LearningAsIGo · Oct 11, 2007, 07:11 AM

I would start by changing your bedtime. Unless you have a committed reason (work hours, kid schedules) I would start by compromising there. That would give you both a lot more time together with added intamacy. Not just sexual, but time to talk... just time together.

I can understand your rut, but these problems you're describing can be worked on.
Good luck

cerisa · Oct 11, 2007, 11:17 AM

Look around this site, and see how sad people are from broken marriages, broken families. People are dying to have what you have.
You have a considerate basically loving hubby, and you are willing to ruin your marriage over the town you live in? C'mon girl! Plan a trip once in a while. He is probably consumed with making a living for his family.Running your own business is harder than working for anyone else. I KNOW.
A smart girl (and I know you are one) would be able to figure out something to spice things up at home. You are not isolated as people used to be in small towns, you got us, the whole world, on your computer.

veronica459 · Oct 12, 2007, 01:58 AM

Waking up at 5 and having coffee with each other would make a big difference especially since the kids would still be asleep, and you two would have some time to yourselves. If that's not possible, than maybe he could stay up until 10 even a half hour of QT is a start.
I also agree with the gym membership and or walking with your DH as the weight maybe something that is effecting your attitude toward everything and everyone else. Happiness starts with you...
Don't throw in the towel just yet!