[firmbeliever]

Thank you for sharing Shy.
I admire you for being positive about your experience, I am sure it takes hard work to be that way after all your experiences.

I did not choose the name of my thread to make the hardwork we put into our marriages as something down the drain,but I needed people's attention on this thread.:)

And like your experience I hope someone who reads it will learn something from it.

[shygrneyzs]

Well, some people do say that all their hard work went down the drain, when a marriage dissolves. One of my neighbors has been divorced for over 20 years now and still spits venom when she talks about her ex. I don't love my ex and would not nominate him for any good awards but he is the Father to our children and for that I do give him a "modicum" of respect. Lol.

[firmbeliever]

Shy,
I love the way you think.
Why hold a grudge for a lifetime when all it will do is eat us us up from the insides and make us and our children miserable.
Even if you did not respect at least showing something like it, I am sure is better than the spitting venom type;)

[firmbeliever]

Here is an interesting article I found.

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http://www.divorcehelp.com/rr/rr01.html
The “good” divorce: A model to follow
by Ed Sherman
(adapted from Practical Divorce Solutions)

Experience and academic studies have helped us identify the basic elements of a successful divorce. “Successful,” as used here, means completing the process of emotional separation, reaching a new center of balance as a single person, maintaining the welfare of your children, and establishing healthy attitudes toward yourself, your ex-spouse, and your past marriage.

Absence of conflict is not part of the ideal divorce. A degree of anger and conflict is natural, useful, even constructive. It helps to break the bonds of attachment and old patterns of relationship; it makes you think and reflect; it makes you change. But excessive and destructive conflict requires special treatment. The discussion of severe conflict and how to deal with it is in Lesson 7 of A Short Divorce Course.

Apart from peace of mind, growth and other human values, there are very practical advantages to struggling as hard as you can to make your divorce better. The closer you can get to the ideals discussed below, the better it will be for you and your family:


You will ease tensions and conflict

You will have a far greater chance for compliance with terms of agreements

You will save thousands in legal costs

If you have children, you will greatly improve co-parenting and cooperation


Elements of a successful divorce:
Mutuality. Lack of mutual sharing in the decision to divorce is a primary cause of conflict in the divorce and post-divorce periods. In an ideal divorce, the decision is arrived at together. This does not mean that one spouse may not be sadder or more distressed than the other, but that both come to accept divorce as the best thing under the circumstances. The spouses should be mutually active in negotiating terms and in co-parenting. The most stable settlements occur when both spouses take an active role in the negotiations, not simply leaving it to a lawyer. A good divorce is an actively mutual enterprise.

Attitude. Each spouse should end up with a balanced view of the other spouse and of the marriage experience. There should be a sense of emotional and spiritual closure. You should be free of any lingering feeling of blame, guilt or failure. You want to create increased self-understanding, the ability to form healthy new intimate relationships, and a sense of self-confidence.

Children. In an ideal divorce, injury to children is minimized, primarily through maintaining good co-parenting relations. Children can literally be destroyed by fighting between their parents, so it is very important that parents be able to work together for the well-being of their children. When not resolved, conflict can go on for years, even after the legal divorce is over. Children must be free of the feeling that loving one parent is a betrayal of the other. They must be free of the thought that they are the cause of the divorce.

Trying to create the ideal divorce is like any other ideal you try to achieve, like ideal health or achievement in some sport. Your goals are something you work toward, but you don't want to beat yourself up every time you fall short. Just try your best. The closer you can get, the better and smoother your divorce will go, and the better your future will be.
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[shygrneyzs]

That is a very good article. Yes, I had my anger (for longer than I perhaps should have) and tried hard to make a smooth transition. But it was far from ideal. Times I wanted revenge. I think I was angry that he bounced right back and remarried in a very short time. Why should I have cared? But I did. Then I found out I got the last laugh after all, which is truly the best laugh.

[firmbeliever]

Shy,
I am so glad you have come this far through sheer hard work and having the last laugh... :)

Here is another article which I think has some good warning signs-
Marriage Mayday: Seven Signs That You're Headed for Divorce

And I found this quiz, though it says it is a fun quiz, I think it helps put things into perspective.
Quiz: Relationships Quizzes & Tests: Are you getting joy in your relationship?