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star3114 · Oct 6, 2007, 04:42 PM

I mean there is so much about my hub I love... his genorosity, off humor (like mine), how supportive he is of my career, and how much he oogles over me... even when I was really heavy. But there is other things that just drive me nuts about him. For example, I can't take a break unless my work is done. Sometimes I feel that he will do anything to get out of work. It is one excuse or another why he can't do something. He is such a huge procrastinator too... and I am very much a now person. I like to get stuff done now, so I don't have to worry about. Your insight is helpful.

LivingtheLifeinFLA · Oct 7, 2007, 08:49 AM

Originally Posted by star3114

When I want him to help me with something, he is always too tired.

Most recently, he put a rock through a teachers car window with another friend of his (see my other post).

Is your husband passive aggressive? If so, you have major problems ahead. Plus, what the kids learn from his bad behavior will follow them for the rest of their lives, or until they isolate it and work to correct it.

A zebra doesn't change it stripes and only a dirtball would verbally abuse someone they love. My bet I that he is actually quite insecure and weak on the inside.

Time to leave.

star3114 · Oct 7, 2007, 10:28 AM

In the clip above... the he was my 8 yr old son. There are many things about him that he is insecure about but he is really struggling to find solutions to. He has a lot of emotional excess baggage from his childhood... and sometime I feel that I have to take on a mother role to help him through it... and then he accuses me of acting like his mother. I am so confused. I know what I want in a relationship and for most areas he is it. I really don't know if I am who he wants in a relationship. You think we would have figured this out before getting married... but we didn't. I feel like I am living with Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde some days. Everything is great and this it all of a sudden changes. My mom asked me if he could be bi polar... and I said I didn't know. My honest thought is that his ADHD and inability to cope with stress constructively is the culprit. Your thoughts?

talaniman · Oct 8, 2007, 03:22 PM

Star, there is so much that you must learn by talking and listening. Then there is still a professional opinion, before we can diagnose any kind of mental help. You have much work to do, before you can help some one else. A lot of hard work is what a relationship is about, and you both must help each other down this path. Deal with your own changes and then evaluate what else needs to be done. One thing at a time. You be independent, and self sufficient.

star3114 · Oct 12, 2007, 06:35 PM

It took me a lot of reflection to truly understand your answer Tal. Now I get it. Thanks for the honesty. Also, my hub finally got into the doctor. We just switched docs and they think that there is something seriously medically wrong with him. They think it might be with his heart. He is scheduled for a catscan in the near future. That could explain a lot. Thanks again for all of your support and words of wisdom.

star3114 · Oct 20, 2007, 04:11 PM

Well, I don't think I can hang in there much longer. They have him on new meds, and it seemed to be working and then his lack of ambition kicked in again. My kid has gotten into more trouble and I think I need to get out. He blames me for his lack of ambition and says if I didn't nag him so much he would get more done. My question is... are you doomed to hell if you get divorced? What about if you remarry? Does any one have any bible versus to give me some insight... the ones I found aren't very positive.

LivingtheLifeinFLA · Oct 20, 2007, 04:37 PM

Originally Posted by star3114

My question is...are you doomed to hell if you get divorced? What about if you remarry? Does any one have any bible versus to give me some insight.....the ones I found aren't very positive.

No , no and no. The lord takes care of those who take care of themselves.

btucker · Oct 27, 2007, 09:14 AM

If you leave you husband, then you will still be doing everything, right and maybe even more. I am sure he does some things you will then have to do. The best chance you have at a relationship is the one your in. Do not think you are going to find a better replacement. YOu most likely will not.

star3114 · Nov 9, 2007, 06:40 PM

Well, thanks for all of your advice. I made up my mind and it wasn't an easy choice. I have to get out. He has been really having issues with my oldest son and says the cruelest things to him. Granted, my oldest can be a very tough child to deal with... but he is a child. I have to protect him. This morning my son had off school and he was complaining about cleaning and my hub picked him up and threw him on the couch. Then he proceeded to tell him that if he turned on the TV again before his work was done, he'd "break his FU*KING fingers!" You can't talk to anyone like that, let alone a child... his child. So, I conclude that it may be a while when I get on here again... but I will. I thank you for your wisdom... but I got to keep my kids safe. Take care and God bless you all!

GlindaofOz · Nov 9, 2007, 07:50 PM

Star I'd say you are def making the right choice for you and your kids. I wish you strength through this.

star3114 · Jan 2, 2008, 05:58 PM

Hello all. I thought I would update you. My husband is on this new medicine and it has helped. He is really making strides, but I am having difficulty feeling bonded to him after everything. My family is really upset that I am still sticking with it. All but two of my friends are really distant from me when they found out that I am staying. My hub and I haven't have physical altercations in over a year, but when he gets mad... his mouth still flies (usually when he "forgot" his med.) I realize that he is trying to make progress, but I also don't want to be a co-dependent making excuses for him when he screws up. At what point do you say... he screwed up, no one is perfect... and at what point do you say... he is verbally abusive and I deserve better? Any thoughts?

Crista · Jan 2, 2008, 07:04 PM

I think this will really help! I recommended this book before. Buy "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." It helped me, a lot! Plus, if your husband doesn't want to even try to work things out by reading this book from John M Gottman, than he already gave up on your relationship and is just staying for the ride of comfort. :cool: Just so you know, a man or woman should both put effort into a relationship not just one. If you have no love left, than pick up yourself and do what you have to do.
Again, " The seven principles for making marriage work," is a best seller and really works. If there's still love somewhere between the two of you, the book will find it and hopefully relight it.

talaniman · Jan 2, 2008, 08:04 PM

Maybe he needs more help than you can give, and at this point asking for help is no shame. Start with a heart to heart with his doctor, and see if there are options, and also explain the dynamic, between him with your son. Med are not the only thing he needs right now, as his own counseling that will allow him to work on his behavior. I know your overwhelmed at this time, and overburdened, since it sounds like you have no support, or release for the pent up frustrations you feel. You may need to take some time for yourself, and that's my advice at this point.

kraz · Feb 23, 2008, 04:55 AM

What example are you giving your children? That it is OK to take a beating, verbally or physically, I am sorry to say this, but you really seem to like being a punching bag or doormat, do you get off on being abused, were is your pride? Hope your children don't take a leaf out of their dads book and do this to their future spouses or treat you with such disrespect. Have you thought your oldest son's past bad behavior may have something to do with your husbands abusive tendencies.

My God, what kind of mother are you, putting your young children through this, they are going to remember one hell of a childhood? He physically assaulted your son and threatened to break his fingers, and you keep them in this unhealthy environment. You have some issues that need looking into, making excuses for him because he forgot his meds.

I suppose the friends that deserted you are frustrated watching this go on, I don't blame them.

star3114 · Mar 8, 2008, 04:10 PM

Hey all! I thank you for your advice and support. I thought I would give you an update. I served him with papers about a week ago. He has tried many things to try to get me to change my mind, but I won't... I can't. He had a mental breakdown about a month and a half ago... and has been out of the house since and is doing some soul searching and doctor seeing 350 miles away. It is nice not having him in the house. My oldest is doing much better in school and almost made it on the A honor roll. It gets tough at times, as I am fixing our house up to sell... but all of this is easier than being with him. My friends, yes they came back, have been great. My family has been wonderful too. I thank you all for everything. Have a great night all and God bless!

star3114 · May 31, 2008, 09:33 PM

It is official. I am an idiot. My husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was put on meds at the beginning of the year. We were separated for 4 months while he "figured himself out". Things were going good, so I gave him a 6 mth trial. It hadn't even been 2 mnths and the week after he went back to work... he up and let. He sent me an email indicating that he was leaving and not coming back and I can figure our financial issues out. Well, I am not looking back this time. I am going through the divorce. For those that read this that are in relationships where they constantly feel in limbo... don't be a dork... go for the divorce... you can't FIX THEM! Take it from one that is going through it now, when it should have been said and done with. Take care all!

star3114 · Aug 16, 2008, 07:51 PM

Well, I am in my own place now with the kids. The papers are pretty close to being signed by him. We are on our way to starting a new life. The soon to be ex lives on the other side of the state. We are trying to do things amacalbly for the best of the kids. So far, so good. Thank you for all of your advice and moral support. You have helped me see the light. Now, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... and my heart smiles. Thank you all!