How do I tell him?

worriedgal · Oct 11, 2005, 06:17 PM

Hi I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now and I cheated on him. I feel terrible about it, and regret it SO MUCH. I love my boyfriend and we have an extremely strong relationship-- we rarely even fight. We are honestly perfect for one another and I know he's going to propose to me as soon as we both finish our degrees. At first I decided I wasn't going to tell him about it because "what he doesn't know can't hurt him".. also, I feel like if I tell him, I'm doing the selfish thing and just trying to take the burden off my own back. If I don't tell him, I force myself to live with what I did, and forever feel guilty-- which I think I deserve anyway.. so that's why I didn't want to tell him..
Upon further thought though, I think that if I actually plan on being with this guy for the rest of my life, I need to come clean and let him know what happened. I was totally drunk at the time and barely even remember it-- the fact I know it happened is killing me though.
I don't want to make excuses or try to say that what I did was right, but I scared to death that I will lose him if I tell him-- which I guess, ultimately I deserve to for what I did.
Anyway, here is the real problem. I'm away for school (half way across the country).. he actually just visited me, but I didn't feel right telling him because he paid so much to come see me. Should I wait until I go home for christmas to tell him in person? Or should I do it over the phone asap? I AM ABSOLUTELY PETRIFIED TO DO THIS... Please help me.. what should I do?

Cheating is something I am so against.. to me, it is like the worst possible thing a person could ever, ever do. It is so unlike me, and I still cannot understand why I did it. I am as sorry as ever and it is definitely something I will NEVER EVER do again..
What do I do?

clukkes · Oct 11, 2005, 07:01 PM

I would tell him that you have something very important to talk about. Start by telling him exactly what happened. Don't leave anything out. Tell him that you are truly sorry (exactly what you wrote in this forum) and you made a huge mistake. Tell him why you cheated on him and how it makes you feel. Be honest with yourself. Tell him that you didn't enjoy it and wish you could take every minute of it back. Make sure you express your love to him. And ask for forgiveness. I would do it face to face.

Hope this helps! Good Luck

Wildcat21 · Oct 11, 2005, 07:23 PM

Tell him you love him FIRST. Tell him great things about him.

BUT, he must know. Tell him you were lonely. Missed him.

clukkes - did a nice job with the rest.

START using some logic going forward. No more binge drinking.

This WILL take time - he may not talk with you for a while.

I do know Long distance relationships are impossible. This has A LOT to do with it. They are so difficult.

clukkes · Oct 11, 2005, 07:26 PM

One more thing.. he may feel like he can not trust you anymore. The only thing that will make him trust you is time. Give it some time. I would do it before XMAS as some people are already stress due to money, relaionships and not being around ones that you love.

letmeno · Oct 11, 2005, 07:29 PM

I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME AND LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY!! If you tell him that you cheated on him, you will regret it for the rest of your natural born life!! Trust me, been there and done it and wish that I hadn't.

Yes, you were wrong for cheating. Hope that you learned a valuable lesson not to betray the man that you are in love with. Not unless you have a man that is unlike every other man on the face of this earth, the chances of him forgiving you are slim. Men are not very compromising and not very forgiving when it comes down to cheating. Why they do it all the time and can't seem to function normally when it's done to them is still a mystery to me,but, it is what it is. If you want to do it and you feel that it must be done, and you have to get it off your chest before you two can move forward together, be my guest, and I hope that I am wrong about your guy, and I sincerely hope that he will forgive you, embrace you, tell you that everything is o.k. and you two can move forward together. But from my experience, Let sleeping dogs lie!

clukkes · Oct 11, 2005, 07:31 PM

I guess you can always have skeletons in your closet.. but this is your decision. Put yourself in your boyfriends shoes...

letmeno · Oct 11, 2005, 07:37 PM

My boyfriend shoes are a size 14. ;)

I don't know her boyfriend, but wildcat is here, you can ask him what it is that he thinks about a cheating woman. His image of her will be altered. An egg is more durable and stronger than a man's ego, he will not be able to take it. I guess this is were everyone will disagree with me but I wouldn't say anything to him. She made a mistake, learn from it, and move on.

worriedgal · Oct 11, 2005, 07:40 PM

Thanks for all your advice.. I think I do want to tell him, because he deserves to know..
But is it wrong for me to tell him over the phone? I will not be able to talk to him face to face until xmas...

Wildcat21 · Oct 11, 2005, 07:44 PM

Nope - she has to tell him.

Yes - once a cheater - always a cheater - BUT, BUT this was a long distance school relationship... they are next to impossible.

BUT, I agree the trust will be broken for a long time. Give him space to think.

If my gal held on to it for a long time and then eventually told me I would hold it against worse.

NO TO THE PHONE. YOU NEED TO COME ACROSS AS SINCERE.

So letmeno - you wouldn't want to know?? Please.

letmeno · Oct 11, 2005, 07:48 PM

If you must tell him, do it correctly. Over the phone is not the way. Be prepared for him to push you away, and want some time alone, give him all the space that he needs, he is going to be devastated and he is not going to know how to deal with it. Reassure, reassure, reassure, reassure him that it was not about him. He may go out and do something stupid to repair the damage to his ego and pride but let him have his space. I hope that this goes better than my situation. Best of luck and Try not to let this totally ruin you holiday.

clukkes · Oct 11, 2005, 07:49 PM

I agree with Wildcat...
Some people react different. If her boyfriend really loves her he will forgive her. It may take time.. maybe a little space or break up... but they both will rethink what they want and decide each other. Being apart is hard. My husband and I are both in the military and I hardly see him... Maybe 1/2 of the month. There are times I want others juat for the comfort of having someone her but than my husband calls and I know I only want him. I would do it face to face and if XMAS is the only time do it than, just do it after.

If my hubby did this to me I would want to know... we can work things out.

letmeno · Oct 11, 2005, 07:51 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Nope - she has to tell him.

Yes - once a cheater - always a cheater - BUT, BUT this was a long distance school relationship......they are next to impossible.

BUT, I agree the trust will be broken for a long time. Give him space to think.

If my gal held on to it for a long time and then eventually told me I would hold it against worse.

NO TO THE PHONE. YOU NEED TO COME ACROSS AS SINCERE.

So letmeno - you wouldn't want to know?????? Please.

I didn't say that I WOULDN'T want to know... the question is would I be able to handle it once I found out.

worriedgal · Oct 11, 2005, 07:51 PM

So you think I should wait until christmas to tell him? Wouldn't that make him more upset that I kept it from him for so long?

clukkes · Oct 11, 2005, 07:53 PM

Originally Posted by worriedgal

so you think i should wait until christmas to tell him? wouldn't that make him more upset that i kept it from him for so long?

Just make sure you tell him that you wanted to tell him face to face

letmeno · Oct 11, 2005, 07:54 PM

I hope that I am wrong, and I sincerely hopes that he does forgive her. I just know that men tend not to take this type of thing as well as women do.

fredg · Oct 12, 2005, 05:22 AM

Hi,
Everyone deserves a second chance. Wildcat said "once a cheater, always a cheater". Man, you sure know how to call'em wrong... that is so NOT true.
If it bothers you this much, don't tell him on the phone, have some good sense and tell him to his face.
If you can get over it, then there is no point in telling him. But, if he finds out later that this happened, it will be worse.
You made a big mistake, and possibly, you need to meet some new people. You might not yet be ready for a good relationship with just one person.
Best of luck,
fredg

Wildcat21 · Oct 12, 2005, 07:10 AM

Never not seen a cheater eventually cheat again. It's actually a psycological flaw. The ycan't help. And woman do it it for the rush of the feelings - and woman do a better job of hidding it. Most woman cheat because of 'how the feel' - and then say it didn't mean anything. Most guys cheat because they aren't getting it at home.

Iwannababy2 · Oct 22, 2005, 07:36 AM

I just went in and told my future hubby your story... I was going to tell you to tell him the truth... but when I told him your story and said that I wanted his honest opinion and to think of it as if it were us... he said to not tell him because guys don't forgive easily and you will probably end up losing him... I know this is harsh... I hope it helps though... as a woman, I would want to know but from a guys perspective... he thinks that you shouldn't tell him...

one_life · Oct 22, 2005, 07:54 AM

Most guys don't want to know. He won't ever be the same if you tell him. If he is trusting now, he will change and look at you differently. He may say he forgives you and lets move on, but reality is that it will always be in the back of his mind. If you tell him, he will start to act differently to point where you will resent him.

If you promise yourself you won't do it again, don't tell him. Bury it. It won't be fair to him. Just because you feel guilty and sorry for what you did, does not mean you have make him suffer too. What happen happened. Start with a fresh page.

wanthimback85 · Oct 22, 2005, 09:43 AM

I think that you should tell him everything, first off a good relationship starts with truth when you tell him set down just you and him.start from the top don't leave anything out ,you must do this are you forever have to live with the pain,make sure you let him know that you love him ,and that your sorry that you won't do it anymore ,also remember that actions are greater then words.

Truth is the way to a ever lasting love and life. ;)