[mathtutor]

First the main issue and then a little bit of background. My ex-girlfriend, whom I haven't seen in over 10 weeks and presumed that I was never going to see again (which would have been fine by me), out of the blue shows up on my doorstep yesterday and informs me that "she's 17 weeks pregnant with my child." When I asked her when she found out about this, she replied "yesterday" (i.e. two days ago.) Now, I'm no expert on female anatomy but I have done a little bit of "homework" on the topic and somehow I feel that if I let myself believe that this woman was 17 weeks pregnant before she realized it, then someone ought to try to sell me some hot real estate in Florida, if you get my drift. To make matters worse, she's very angry about the whole situation and totally blames me, as though I deliberately set out to sabotage her or something like that. Of course, I'm willing to accept responsibility for my part in it, but as we all know, "it takes two" (the sex between us, while it lasted, was totally 100% consensual. In fact, on the whole, she was more of the aggressor than I was.) Obviously, I got out my little pocket calendar and did some arithmetic and, admittedly, 17 weeks, if that is in fact the case, makes it a very definite possibility that I am the dad. Even more interesting, 17 weeks ago is just about the time that she suddenly lost interest in being sexually intimate with me and started becoming very hostile and verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. It's as though her personality and feelings for me did a 180-degree about face and not for the better. I hung on, though, and tolerated it for a while (very foolish of me now that I look back) in the hopes that she would "come around" again and our relationship would get back to how it had been initially, which amounts to about the first 8 weeks that we were together. Eventually, she did break up with me, and this happened about 10 weeks ago (7 weeks with child if I take her story at face value), like I noted at the beginning of this post. I might add that she broke up with me in a very hostile and abusive manner, when a simple "you're a nice guy but I don't think this is going to work out..." would have been sufficient. Now, to top it all off, I suspect (though she hasn't come right out and said it) that she wants some kind of financial and/or emotional support from me, although she has flat-out said to me "I don't want to marry you. I don't love you and I never did." Frankly, I don't want to marry her either and I really don't feel that I owe her anything, especially after the way she treated me and is continuing to treat me. Now the child, on the other hand, when born, is a different story as I am well aware that I have a legal obligation to financially support him/her and I certainly don't intend to make the child suffer because of the sins of the mother (and father, though I honestly do feel that the mothers' sins are the greater ones here.) In summary, here are the main issues that I'd like feedbak concerning:

1. Is it really possible for a woman to be 17 weeks along before knowing that she's pregnant? I honestly feel that she deliberately kept some things from me that I had a right to know for a long time. (Mothers and medical experts especially, I need your input on this one.)

2. Why the intense feelings of anger and resentment towards me over this? Certainly I realize that it's a life-altering event but why would she presume that I deliberately wanted to hurt her instead of her just seeing it for the accident that it is and the two of us biting the bullet and doing what's right and best for the baby?

3. Is it really a coincidence that she essentially lost all interest in me and our relationship and became a "" right about the time that the baby would have been conceived, assuming I buy the story that's she's now at the 17-week mark?

4. What could possess her to expect anything from me that's strictly for her own benefit (financial support, etc.), despite that fact that she has and continues to treat me like dirt and through all of this still doesn't want to make any kind of decisive commitment (i.e. marriage)? Does anyone out there honestly believe that I owe this woman something?

Thanks for reading this somewhat lengthy post, but I feel that the more information I provide, the better feedback people can give me.

[Chery]

This is from a 'mother', so here goes... I was 5 months along and my husband did not have a clue, as I just looked like I gained weight. I knew the day after that I was PG, but did not tell him for many reasons, but one was that I was not supposed to get PG per doctor's orders and was not sure I would be able to keep it. He also knew that I could not survive it if I got pregnant but still did not worry about birthcontrol - he put that on me... Thank goodness I have a wonderful daughter that I raised myself, and tossed him out.

Now, you said this was a 'short' relationship and that you understand the responsibilities. Do you? Did you both have a blood test before stopping the use of any and all 'protection' or did you just count on her to take the pill? Remember one thing from now on... IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A FATHER, BUY CONDOMS AND USE THEM, ALWAYS! Not just out of RESPECT, but to be safe against worse risks.

1. Some women have spotting even when pregnant, therefore assuming they still have their periods, so it is possible that she was not sure. Also, the aggressive attitude probably came from hormonal changes she was going through and she might not have had the knowledge to understand what was going on in the first place. Maybe she thought it was due to some stress she was going through. Not all women have the same symptoms or same 'morning sicknesses'.

2. I think I pretty well covered this one in the above answer too.

3. As I said before, hormones can make one go through an 'emotional rollercoaster' without knowing it. She might have also lost feelings of interest sexually and lost respect for you once she had the fear that she was pregnant and that you would probably blame her for that 'mistake', as you put it.

4. What you owed her before was respect and the same concern for safety, which you did not provide, therefore you do owe her the financial support for that little mistake. As you said, it does take two to tango, and therefore it also takes two to keep protected.

You did provide a lot of information and it was helpful. Too bad you didn't get informed enough about ovulation, safety, with or without the pill (which is not always 100% sure), and other important things in an early relationship. That would have saved you all of these details and prevented you from having to live with it now.

I hope this clarified a few things for you and that you will to the right thing. You never know, this might work out for both of you, or it might not. If still unsure of the 'fatherhood', have a paternity test done after the baby is here. The more kindness you show now, the less aggression you'll receive later, get my meaning??

Good Luck, no matter which way it goes for you, but be ready to learn how to be a good father and if it's a boy teach your son more than what you learned, please.

[letmeno]

This is also from a woman's p.o.v.

1. I was 5 weeks pregnant with my daughter when I found out. I was 3 weeks pregnant with my son when I found out. If a woman is familiar with her body (i.e. her cycles) it won't take her long to find out if she is pregnant. When you become pregnant, the first symptom that you will get is a missed period. In some cases (although rare) a woman will continue to have cycles and therefore will not be the wiser. 17 weeks is means that she is in her second trimester. The chances of finding out this late are very and I do mean very slim, but it happens.

2. My guess that she is angry @ you is because whatever her plans were with this "other guy" (come on now, you have to know by now that she is seeing someone else.) didn't pan out the way that she wanted them to. She has to fall back on you. My guess is that she knows that you will be the better father, you are financially stable (correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what I am assuming) you would be more responsible. We women know this type of stuff in the door. She has taken all of this into consideration. She is angry because whatever her plans were when she left, didn't fall through.

3. Around the time that the child was conceived, I highly doubt that she would be experiencing hormonal changes so drastic that she would snap out the way that she did. PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE ME ON THIS ONE, I AM JUST CALLING THIS THE WAY THAT I SEE IT.

4. I have a son, and if he were in the same situation, I would tell him as a mother, DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOR THIS WOMAN UNTIL YOU HAVE RECEIVED THE RESULTS OF A POSITIVE DNA TEST.

I hate to say this but I have seen this type of thing happen so many times. I apologize but I can't get past the feeling that this woman is taking you for a ride that will last for the next 18 years if you are not very careful what it is that you do. Please do not allow here to do this to you, get a DNA test.

[fredg]

Hi,
I might have missed your age in your long post, but are you old enough to get a lawyer? If not, tell your parents.
You really need a lawyer to tell you what to do. It must be proven that this child is yours, medically.
If so, a lawyer can advise you. If not, he/she can tell you what to do. If it it's not your child, then legally, you have nothing to worry about.
Best of luck,
fredg

[Chery]

Outside of the 'legal' points and the way women seek the 'right' man to be a father, the 'ride' started when you did not have the respect to use protection to avoid this whole delema in the first place. No matter what your choices are, you should think about this in your future as well. Good Luck.

[s_cianci]

This is obviously a very complex issue but I'll try to address your concerns as best as a "layperson" can do:

1. This one is probably the most cut-and-dry as it is indeed unrealisitc to expect that this woman did not know she was pregnant unitl 17 weeks. I'm no expert on female anatomy either, but having been by my wife's side through two pregnancies and watching numerous female relatives go through the cycle of pregnancy and giving birth, I can safely say that, at the most realistic extreme, if all the odds are defied, a woman could be 12 weeks pregnant before knowing it. This woman is 5 weeks beyond that level, almost 1/2 way through her second trimester. She would have started feeling the baby moving inside of her at least two weeks ago and would have endured the so-called "morning sickness" that typically plagues an expectant mother during the first trimester, with all of the nausea and vomiting. This would be pretty difficult to confuse with something else. I definitely feel that she knowingly delayed telling you. A harder question to answer is why she kept it from you and why choose now to tell you.

2. I'm sure that, when she did find out she was pregnant, she was quite shocked and upset. You don't mention what your ages are or what your overall socioeconomic status is in terms of your and her readiness to raise a child but I'm sure that she no doubt considers this a crisis pregnancy and feels that her options are quite limited at this point. You are probably just a conveinient scapegoat and will continue to be so until she manages to regroup herself and deal with the situation head-on. In the meanwhile, try not to be too harsh or judgmental and realize that her hormones are topsy-turvy right now, so not a whole lot of what she says or does is going to be very rational for a while. If you honestly feel that the two of you realistically have no future together, you should tell her so firmly but tactfully but reassure her that you'll be there for the child.

3. Other than the hormone explanation, there's no easy answer to this question. However, it is unlikely that her hormone levels became so elevated so soon after conception as to dratistically affect her behavior so soon. If you're really hungry for an answer to this question your only option may be to confront her directly about it. Alternatively, if you and her share any mutual acquaintances whom she talks with on a somewhat regular basis, maybe you could share your concerns with one of them and pump them a little for some information that may give you some insight as to why the sudden and dramatic change in her personality and behavior.

4. If, as you say, she has no desire for any kind of commitment or future with you, even for the sake of the child, then you certainly don't owe her anything. She has to realize that she can't have her cake and eat it too. If she expects you to support her financially, which you have no legal obligation to do, then she should be willing to make the commitment to you to build a family and a home with you. If she wants to be a herioc single mom who doesn't need a man in her life, then more power to her. You just have to do what you need to for your son or daughter when born.

[letmeno]

S ciani, you forgot the most important detail of them all! She deliberately hid this from him for some strange reason!!

Since we don't have her side of the story, it would be safe to assume that she is hiding something else. Her irrate behavior that soon into a pregnancy? She was looking for a way out of this relationship. I am not saying that he is not the father, I am saying he should just be sure.

[mathtutor]

17 weeks is means that she is in her second trimester. The chances of finding out this late are very and I do mean very slim, but it happens.

2. My guess that she is angry @ you is because whatever her plans were with this "other guy" didn't pan out the way that she wanted them to. She has to fall back on you. My guess is that she knows that you will be the better father, you are financially stable you would be more responsible. We women know this type of stuff in the door. She has taken all of this into consideration. She is angry because whatever her plans were when she left, didn't fall through.

3. Around the time that the child was conceived, I highly doubt that she would be experiencing hormonal changes so drastic that she would snap out the way that she did.

4. DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOR THIS WOMAN UNTIL YOU HAVE RECEIVED THE RESULTS OF A POSITIVE DNA TEST.

I can't get past the feeling that this woman is taking you for a ride that will last for the next 18 years if you are not very careful what it is that you do. Please do not allow here to do this to you, get a DNA test.

Letmeno, of all the responses I've received thus far, I feel that yours is most on the mark. I had suspected that there was another guy and he may even be the father of the baby in question. I realize that a simple DNA test will clear this up once and for all and I will certainly insist on one, especially if she tries to sue me for child support. If I am more stable and responsible and bid to be the better father, then why would she leave me for this other guy in the first place? Of course, that's really beside the point now. She's either going to be stuck with this other guy or be a single mom because I'm surely not taking her in. I probably can't make a strong case for custody of the baby as a bachelor living alone, working full time and then some. I'll have to settle for visitation, essentially serving her as a free, every-other-weekend babysitter. She seems especially obsessed with health insurance and wants me to provide it for her, which I will never do as I am not legally required or eligible to do this. Furthermore, adding her to my plan would creat an inordinate financial burden for me and I am just barely making ends meet as it is. My employer provides me with a rudimentary plan that is sufficient for me as a bachelor without dependents but wholly inadequate for a family. Furthermore, my employer-provided plan does not provide coverage for "domestic partners", which is what I would have to regard her as. Actually, with her training and education, any job that she would have if she were employed in her field (she's a RN with a specialty in pediatrics) would provide superior health coverage, far bettter than mine, for herself and any dependents. Despite her training and qualifications, she has a spotty employment record and has never managed to firmly establish a career for herself, which makes me wonder even more what other issues are going on here. Thanks for your support, you've reaffirmed for me what I've suspected all along and it's reassuring to hear it from a neutral person.

[mathtutor]

4. What you owed her before was respect and the same concern for safety, which you did not provide, therefore you do owe her the financial support for that little mistake. As you said, it does take two to tango, and therefore it also takes two to keep protected.

Exactly - it takes two. On a couple of very foolish occasions I failed to use a condom. However, it should be noted that she NEVER used a diaphragm, IUD, the pill or any other contraceptive. Furthermore, she kept giving me this song and dance about not being able to get pregnant due to having fibroid tumors. Now, I certainly don't hold it against her for misinforming me like that just like I won't blame her or anyone else for my own carelessness and my own naieveite for believing her fibroid story. However, she wasn't any more respectful or concerned for safety than I was, so your argument that I now owe her is totally off the mark. I donate blood on a regular basis, so I am constantly getting tested. I have never been at risk for contracting or spreading HIV, although I will get myself tested in the next few weeks. By then, the chances for a false result should be quite slim. It's doubtful that I've picked up gonnorhea, syphilis, herpes or any other of the more common STDs as I would have experienced symptoms by now. By the same token, there's no chance of me having given her any of the aforementioned diseases as she was my first partner in over a year and a half. Anything that I would have contracted previously would have manifested symptoms or showed up in tests after I'd donated blood long before I met her. So I don't honestly believe I was reckless in that regard. If anything, I put myself at risk by not finding out more about her before jumping into the sack with her, but once again that rests strictly on me and I accept full responsibility for that. Likewise, she should accept full responsibility for whatever risks she assumed for herself by jumping in the sack with me.

[mathtutor]

Hi,
I might have missed your age in your long post, but are you old enough to get a lawyer? If not, tell your parents.
You really need a lawyer to tell you what to do. It must be proven that this child is yours, medically.
If so, a lawyer can advise you. If not, he/she can tell you what to do. If it it's not your child, then legally, you have nothing to worry about.
Best of luck,
fredg

I'm 33 and she's 37. I have already spoken with an attorney and will be seeking further counsel in the near future. Thanks for your input.

[letmeno]

No problem.

It really does not matter @ all who would be the most suitable person to be the child's father. Women follow their heart's. It does not matter if you slept on a bed of 100 dollar bills every night, and the other guy was dirt poor, she is going to be where her heart is.

As I said before, maybe she dropped the bomb on him by telling him that she was pregnant and he didn't take the news too well and more or less let her know that she was on her own. Her trying to smooth things over with him and getting him to see things "her way" would certainly explain all of the missing time that is in question here.

If this child is yours, child support laws require for you to have medical insurance on your child through your employer (if possible) If she is not your wife, she foot's her own bill for the dr. visits, labor, delivery, etc. Your health insurance provides for your child. I am not a claims adjustor or anything but in the state of Illinois, health care techs (RN's, Lpn's etc.) do not have that great of health insurance to choose from. They have ppo's (lower end of the insurance) and not HMO's (better insurance)

I hope that all works out well for you and Good Luck!

[mathtutor]

Outside of the 'legal' points and the way women seek the 'right' man to be a father, the 'ride' started when you did not have the respect to use protection to avoid this whole delema in the first place. No matter what your choices are, you should think about this in your future as well. Good Luck.

Chery, keep in mind that even with "protection", a pregnancy can still occur. We've all heard stories about "miracle babies" who were conceived "with rubbers and foam." If, all other things being equal, I had worn a condom on the "fateful night" and the law of averages failed to hold, would things really be any different now? Of course not ; she'd still be pregnant and that'd be that. Furthermore, if a pregnancy does occur in spite of the use of a physical barrier like a condom (which a lot of women dislike and discourage their men from using, by the way), then whatever protection it may have afforded against STDs is lost as well. If a condom doesn't prevent pregnancy, it won't prevent a STD either. Any exercise of "respect" on my part would be nothing more than a token gesture in this case, hardly making a significant difference in the overall scenario here.

[Chery]

This in a nutshell, is what I tried to put through, not just the STDs. With today's modern technology which we are using to communicate right now, we can also get better informed by searching sites that 'men' usually never visit, but it good recommended reading and you'll find out a lot more. There are so many sites on health in general.
In the beginning, you did not mention her 'medical' backgound, or her wanting you to cover her thru your insurance - both are indications that something is wrong... and she should have know better and not hidden this from you for so long.
The only responsibilities you will have then are to have a paternity test done, and if it's your's you have rights to determine what happens to it's future and I hope you will try your best to take them serious. So, read up on child raising on a site. I found some good ones to help kids (for others-mine is a 1976 model and very independent and well-rounded in the ways of life) whose parents are too 'busy' and need help in raising their kids in today's world - a Reader's Digest site. I will try and find the site for you and send the link in my next post to this thread. It's unbelieveable how so many kids ask about sex and pregnancy - things they should ask their parents, but are either too shy or their parents just don't know where to start or don't care. That is why I'm so up on preaching Safety and Responsibility! Hope you don't think me judgemental, I try to look at the 'whole picture' Again, Good Luck.

Exactly - it takes two. On a couple of very foolish occasions I failed to use a condom. However, it should be noted that she NEVER used a diaphragm, IUD, the pill or any other contraceptive. Furthermore, she kept giving me this song and dance about not being able to get pregnant due to having fibroid tumors. Now, I certainly don't hold it against her for misinforming me like that just like I won't blame her or anyone else for my own carelessness and my own naieveite for believing her fibroid story. However, she wasn't any more respectful or concerned for safety than I was, so your argument that I now owe her is totally off the mark. I donate blood on a regular basis, so I am constantly getting tested. I have never been at risk for contracting or spreading HIV, although I will get myself tested in the next few weeks. By then, the chances for a false result should be quite slim. It's doubtful that I've picked up gonnorhea, syphilis, herpes or any other of the more common STDs as I would have experienced symptoms by now. By the same token, there's no chance of me having given her any of the aforementioned diseases as she was my first partner in over a year and a half. Anything that I would have contracted previously would have manifested symptoms or showed up in tests after I'd donated blood long before I met her. So I don't honestly believe I was reckless in that regard. If anything, I put myself at risk by not finding out more about her before jumping into the sack with her, but once again that rests strictly on me and I accept full responsibility for that. Likewise, she should accept full responsibility for whatever risks she assumed for herself by jumping in the sack with me.