[DJ 'H']

I'm 'H', 21yrs old and in need of some of advice!

When I was 16yrs I became friends with a guy (who I will name 'T') he is in the army. I had known his two brothers for years, and finally met 'T' when he came back to my home town to visit his family & friends.

'T' and I hit it off instantly and became very good friends. After my 17th birthday 'T' and I ended up together. We had a very happy, relaxed relatonship and we just could not get enough of each other. A total match made in heaven. Just before my 18th birthday we were hit with a bombshell - 'T' was being posted to Cyprus for 7 months. 'T' and I talked about what we wanted etc and the most important thing was for us to stay together. We were so in love. We planned for me to visit him during in his leave and he said that no matter what I would have a ring on my finger at some point in the furture.

As time got closer 'T' became very distant, and things started to fall apart. I knew something was wrong and broke down one day and asked him to tell me what was going on? He broke down and said that he wanted to end the relationship. It left me very confused and absolutely broke my heart.

In those 7 months 'T' did not get in touch. I was really hurt & angry by this and really did not understand what I had done wrong. I deluded myself I was over him and after 5months I ended up in relation with another guy 'S'.

I was besotted with 'S'. He seemed so wonderful that 'T' became a distant memory. 2 Months later 'S' and I were on a night out with friends. I was up on the stage dancing a way (as I do) when a talled, tanned guy walks through the door. It's 'T'. I froze on the spot and my heart just sank into my stomach. I was totally unprepared for the way I would feel but I realised I was still in love with 'T' and desperately wanted him back. Things were so awkward and you could see how taken back he was to see me with someone else.

For months I was convinced he did not want me, so I decided to stick with 'S'. Later 'T' ended up with another gal called 'P' and we did not speak.

It was after my 19th birthday that 'T' approached me on another random night out with friends. He took me to one side and asked if he could have a chat with me. He apologised for everything and said he never wanted to split up with me and still regretted it. He wanted me to know that he would always be there for me and that the only reason he split with me wasbecause he felt it was unfair to leave me behind waiting for him. We became friends again and it was left at that.

Before my 20th birthday 'T' & 'P' broke up and after my 20th birthday 'S' and I broke up.

'T' and I started hanging out together a bit more. One particular night we were up all night chatting about anything & everything and one thing led to another and we spent the night together. I could not have been happier. A couple of days afterwards I found out that 'T' was being deployed to Iraq for 6 months, so even though he wanted me, he was not prepaired to have a relationship with me for the very same reason's as last time. Even though I was now an adult and knew exactly what I wanted.

After my 21st birthday, He came back from Iraq and we spent another wonderful night together. Once again I could not have been happier. Straight after he volunteered to go back to Iraq for another month. As soon as he returned he went on holiday. When he returned he talked of this girl he befriended whilst on holiday and how nice it was to be mates with someone of the female variety. We then spent another night together, but I decided not to let it go any further than kissing this time and it was perfect!

A day later he decided he was going to give it a go with this girl he had met on holiday and jumped back on the plane that very weekend to go and spend some time with her. (as you can imagine my heart was once again in pieces).

Since he has been back I have been trying to forget about him, which is so hard to do as I am so in love with him. The part that confuses me is he always seems to get stroppy if he sees me talking to other guys.

I really want him back, but I don't understand his behaviour! HELP!

[hanabelle]

Hi, It seems like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too! Based on what you have said, It sounds like he's willing to stick it out with you and stay in a relationship until he has to leave and act as though he's doing it in your best interest, which I don't think he is. At first it sounded like when he first came back and apologized to you about breaking up, that he really regretted it and he learned what he truly had. But for him to turn around and return to Iraq to see another woman while you two are supposedly in a relationship is wrong. Its not right to play with your feelings like that, no one deserves to be wanted one minute and not the next without a clear expanation of what the other wants. You didn't say how old this guy is, but from the sounds of it he seems to be a bit on the immature side. I don't think he really knows what he wants. When he breaks up with you before he goes off to the war again, he may be struggling with insecurities himself. He must worry if you will meet someone else while he's away, so that by breaking up with you and seeing other woman he's trying to protect himself from what HE thinks is eventual hurt. I can see his point. But you aren't an object that can be put to the side and used when he feels like it. You do have feelings and if he values that then he must be honest in what he wants so that you both can move on with your lives together or not together. But sweetie, if he decides not to go forward with the relationship and moves on to someone new, please move on with yours and the next time when he's in town and sees you with someone new, don't let him talking you into a "night together" it seems that it has only led to hurt on you. If he gets mad to see you with someone tell em' "tough cookies". He made the decision to end the relationship not you. Don't let yourself be hurt again. Good luck in whatever you decide, hope this helps!-hanabelle :)

[DJ 'H']

'T' is 23yrs old, he turns 24 in January.

You have been very helpful. I know exactly what you are saying and part ofme already knew this, it's just a case of self denile - not wanting to believe it, because it really hard to accept.

I am trying to move on, but he is still there in the back of my head.

[fredg]

Hi,
You are young (I am 63), and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Love hurts, especially when it doesn't go your way... been there, done that.
Time will heal it, and meeting new people is the best way to move on with your life.
Do you go to church? Belong to any groups of any kind?
You can meet people almost anywere, and there is someone out there for you, just waiting to meet you!
Just remember one thing; over half the marriages in the US end in divorce. Don't even think about marriage until you find the one who respects you, doesn't play games, and treats you the way you know he should.
Best of luck,
fredg

[hanabelle]

Hi, I agree with fredg; you both are very young and shoulf explore what is out there. There are so many different kinds of people that you should get to know before making that kind of commitment to one person. I have been with the same man for nine years, we met when I was eighteen and he was twenty seven. I use to be a very shy person in my teenage years and I had a very hard time getting to know guys. So when I met my husband I was ecsatic, and immediately clung myself to him, without really knowing what I wanted. I say that because for a while we went through some very hard times and the only thing that made me stay and really work on the relationship was that we had two kids involved. Things are much better now, but there is still apart of me that wishes I could have gotten to know other people. It's the only truly way of knowing what you want. Things that you may find attractive in another person while in your early twenties may not seem very attractive in your later twenties or early thirties. Take it from me you change as you get older your not the same person as you were before. So definitely take your time and don't worry so much about a particular individual who is probably tying to find out what he wants. If its meant to be then it will be, but for now enjoy yourself a little. :o

[s_cianci]

Keep in mind that T's military obligations leave him little time for commitments of any sort at the personal level. It appears from the tone of your post that T is not in a position right now to give you the kind of relationship you seem to need and want. Decide for yourself exactly what type of relationship you do want and make your decisions accordingly. Right now T only has the potential to be a casual companion when he's stateside. Is that acceptable to you? If so, then fine and have lots of fun with him when he's available. If, however, you want something more (which I kind of sense you do), then you need to forget about T and look to someone who's more readily available, someone who doesn't have to spend substantial amounts of time out of the area or overseas, etc.

[letmeno]

Dj H, it seems to me if T was really into you, he would make some sort of official commitment to you before he is deployed off to serve his country. I am not saying marriage but some sort of commitment.
As you will learn, a man can have 100 women but he will not permit 1 of them to see another man. I was once told by a man that this was an "unwritten law" (don't shoot the messenger, I don't like it or understand it myself.)
Of course he is displeased when he finds out that you are seeing someone else, in his eye's, you are his little toy to tickle his fancy whenever he comes home. Boy's don't like to share their toys!
The fact that he is open with you about seeing other women says a lot. I don't know if he is really ready to commit to anyone right now, and if he is, actions show that it is not with you.
If you can take what this man is passing out (which you can't, you have asked for advice) then continue to be available to him and at his beck and call whenever he comes home, as you have been doing thus far. I would like to see every woman in this world take a stand for herself and stop settling for anything less than what they deserve. And you do deserve way much more. Avoid him like the west nile virus whenever he comes back for a visit. Keep busy, and do not ever give into this guy again. You deserve much more than this!!

[DJ 'H']

Hey guys. I wrote a little while ago about my ex giving mixed signals. You'll be please to hear that I plucked up the courage to tell him where to get off and have been getting on with my life.

(Big thanks for all you help & support).

I now have a big problem. I have met a new guy. I really am besotted. We can talk until the cows come home about anything & everything - we love eachothers company and are able to be open and honest with each other about our feelings.

Wheres the problem you are all wondering? - well I am left feeling rather vulnerable & insecure - scared that it will all fizzle out. I really don't want to mess things up - but due to past experiences, I am not really sure I even have a clue how to make things work. It's still early days, but I don't want to smother him, come across to keen but at the same time I don't want him to lose interest.

[fredg]

Hi,
Sounds like you really like this guy. Just keep talking with him, and be yourself, and show respect for him. Be interested in what he is saying and don't "hog" the conversations all to yourself, which you obviously aren't doing anyway.
He wants to be friends, and it's obvious he likes you, to be spending so much time with you. Just keep on what you are doing, and hope for the best. Relationships take a little time, and hopefully, he will be the one for you. If it's to continue, it will be up to him.
If he eventually decides that he likes you even more, I am sure he will tell you, or in some way, show you. Please don't "over" worry yourself about what will happen. This is normal in building a relationship with anyone, and just take it "one day at a time". You might even send him a great card or two, about friendship, liking him, etc.
I do sincerely wish you the best, and good luck!

[DJ 'H']

Thank you for your kind words etc. I know what you are saying is right and I really do need to chill out. I have been out on dates etc in recent months -but none that have ever meant anything to me. This guy really is amazing and he really does 'rock my world'. For that very reason I have butterflies in my stomach every time I see him, and I cannot stop thinking about him. It's all very scarey!

[fredg]

HI,
At 63 yrs old, married for 28 yrs, I remember the "butterflies" in the stomach!
My first love was a 14 yr old girl, couldn't get my mind off her. Later, it was a 17 yr old girl, who I was in love with. After going off to college, get a "dear john" letter from her saying she had found her true love. What a shock it was to find out I wasn't her "true love" anymore! Took me a couple of years to get over that one.
That relationship lasted 3 yrs, but was to no avail. I still remember her, always will... had some good times together.
Hang in there, be yourself, and the "butterflies" are telling you that you really, really like this guy. I hope it works out for you.

[DJ 'H']

I have not had butterflies since my last serious relationship that I was in for 2yrs. Only this time the butterflies are in overdrive and I go all gooey eyed every time someone talks about him.

The hardest part is that he lives right next door to me. So we have been walking past each other saying hi etc for the last 3yrs. He came to my 21st birthday back in April and ever since then I have just wanted to be with him. He did say it was the same for him.

We have a really good Date on Friday just gone in which case he did say to me "I don't know how to say this without sounding like a right idiot, but I am not looking for a fling or a one night stand - I am looking for something more meaningful" - I replied "Me too" and he replied "glad we cleared that one up". When we got home he said he was not going to invite me in because he did not want things to fizzle out. He did the very same on Saturday night (after spending time at my house during the day, and I spent all evening at his on Sunday watching videos and just chatting about everything & anything. I almost melted in his arms when he said all of that. The first guy that actually likes me for me.