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Gingerkid52 · Sep 26, 2007, 05:58 AM

I've known my boyfriend for a year and we've been together 10 months. We took three months to get together because we were both so shy

The only thing we ever argued about was his desire to do his own thing a lot of the time. In this case it was music. He played in a few bands here and there, some 30miles away, another about 250miles away. We would generally argue because he wanted to go off to do music at weekends and I wanted to be with him, because I loved seeing him at weekends.

The main thing I got upset about was that he would never be able to take me. I wanted to see him play even if just once but was always told it was a private booking. Then he would generally say since he was out on a Saturday night, he'd catch up with his friends and stay up there. I would ask him to consider coming back to my place so at least we could wake up together on Sunday and spend a nice happy day together and he sometimes did, althugh he'd make me feel guilty.

He was on his own for several years before me, he didn't really get involved with women at all, and he used to say I'd changed his life. We had a row a fortnight ago because he wanted to do stuff with his mates which as usual I wasn't invited to... it wasn't a case he wanted to be without me, I was upset that his friends and stuff never invited me... where as my friends would always ask us both to go places.

In the argument I told him he was immature and that at 30 he was too old to be running around like a single teenager, and if he wanted a relationship, he should at least consider me and my feelings. He would happily come along to my things that I did, but seemed reluctant to let me into his life. He said it was only because it was his interest and he wanted to keep his life as well as having our relationship.

He said he'd not been happy for a while and felt trapped - but he'd never said any of this to me. The night before the row he was all over me, telling me he loved me, I was beautiful and I was the love of his life and made him feel amazing. Every night he would come to see me or I would go to his place, and there was never a sign he was losing interest.

He said we always argued about the same thing... but sadly it was the only thing we argued about. I asked for compromise. I think he thought I didn't want him to leave my side, but this was not the case. He thought it was because he never actually asked me. He's made up all these ideas in his head and never once considered asking or talking to me.

As far as I could see, everything else was great. This was one issue we could've worked on, but he didn't seem to understand that a relationship needs work on both sides. Could this be a result of being on his own for 8 years, that he doesn't know what to do?

We had this argument and he said he needed time. I spoke to him briefly next morning and he burst into tears... said he'd cried all night, he loved me, I was his best friend and love of his life but he was confused and needed time.

Two days later I received a text saying he needed at least a few weeks no contact to decide how he felt and what he wanted from life. I fear I sparked it by calling him immature, and made him think. I also mentioned my mate who was living with her boyfriend and he said he wasn't ready for that, and that I wanted "engagement, Marriage and kids" and he didn't. Sadly he's wrong, I've never wanted children and while I may have thought about us living together at some point, I certainly had no plans for this straight away.

It's been 2 weeks now and I am feeling still in limbo. Some days I'm strong, others I get upset. I feel like he's just vanished and I don't know if he'll get in touch or when. We were so close, and he was such a wonderful guy, I never thought he was capable of this.

m,y mum says he's gone to decide if its time to grow up or what, that he's always just been on his own and it must be hard having to consider someone else.

He still has many of my belongings, I have some of his, and even on the day he vanished he'd been to my house while I was out, yet didn't take anything or leave my key.

There were no signs anything was wrong before this. He doted on me, looked after me, was so protective and I had no idea anything was wrong.

How long should I give him? What on earth do I think? Has he seriously just cut and run or is he really needing some time?

ConfusedandLost · Sep 26, 2007, 07:06 AM

I'm sorry to hear all of this but I think that he has to figure out what he wants in life and if you are going to be a part of it. Only time to himself will solve that little dilemma in his head. I also think that he is not really willing to give up what he has right now for a full on relationship. He is having a good time with his band and what not and it looks like he has been doing it alone for some time now. He has a fairly large adjustment in his life if he chooses the path with a committed relationship. There is something about him not wanting you to see him play at a show, it's almost like he is hiding something. He also has conflicting emotional thoughts, his heart is fighting his mind right now on what to do...

I would be cautious on this one if you consider pursuing him. You are trying to cage a wild animal that wants to run free. Honor his request of space, while he is figuring out his thing you go out and work on yourself and occupy your time. Try not to think about what has just transpired, go through life happy and content. It's hard... believe me I know, I have been there not long ago. You will get the answers you are looking for in time, you just have to be patient...

rol · Sep 26, 2007, 08:10 AM

Do not contact him at all.

Musiciens are very passionate and independent. They do not like to feel like they are caged up .

Time will tell if he is able to be ready for the next step.

Running like this and needing time is not a good sign.

Get on with your life as best as you can right now.

Gingerkid52 · Sep 26, 2007, 08:26 AM

Thank you for your replies.

The thing is, I've never stopped him... infact he hasn't really bothered too much since we got together, through his own choice!

Last time one of his bands was even brought up, was a day when I said there was a gig at a place where we were going to be anyway, and why didn't he do it... he chose not to!

Ironically, I am a trained musician myself who went to music college - but he rarely encouraged my musical side. He did once say he was embarrassed that I wouldn't think he was very good.

I could understand all of this if he'd spoken to me, but he never did. He was by his own confession a loner before I came along.

I just don't know why he embarked on a relationship ijn the first place and gave no indication he was unhappy. He was sometimes difficult. First time we ever rowed he wanted to end it, because he didn't understand that couples don't always see eye to eye.

For the record, I never responded to his text at all, and have not contacted him so far.

rol · Sep 26, 2007, 08:42 AM

Yes there is no need to reply to his text, he said he needed time so wait for him to contact.

<First time we ever rowed he wanted to end it, because he didn't understand that couples don't always see eye to eye.>

That happens sometimes with guys who don't have a grasp of what 'love' really is.

He may need to grow up a bit...

Plus your relationship sounds like mine was, a seemingly perfect relationship. My ex was also a musicien some years ago.

Real relationships have arguments and have phases of ups and downs. That how they grow and develop.

farfrmnormal · Sep 26, 2007, 08:47 AM

Your situation is very similar to my own - he may be running, but he may also be considering his life at hand.

These things don't often make sense (My situation doesn't either), but as I mentioned in my previous thread - these things happen for a reason. Perhaps you will seek something out about yourself that this relationship brought to light or you may realize that he was in fact not the one for you or that he is - things happen and most are unexplained, relationships are often bungled up into that unfortunately.

rol · Sep 26, 2007, 08:51 AM

Exactly well put..

How have your past relationships been gingerkid?

Try and understand why you have subconsciously chose this kind of man.
Abandonment issues as a child/ teenager?

Gingerkid52 · Sep 26, 2007, 09:00 AM

Previous relationships have been good, although I've always ended them! I usually have got bored after about this length of time... I've broken a few hearts and have wondered if this is karma... getting its own back.

The sad thing is, I had just got to the point where I thought I'd finally found someone special for me. We laughed together, had fun together, shared everything. He made me believe he loved me as I did him... he told me so plenty of times.

I chose this man because he was " a nice guy" . A genuinely nice guy. Everyone who met him said he was a good un, that we were such a good match. He wasn't a sleep around, he had been single for a long time because he'd been messed about when he was about 22 and had sort of just stayed away from girls since. And no, he wasn't gay!

To be truthful, if he'd even sent a text saying "sorry it's not working, its over" that would've been easier to get my head around.

He just didn't seem to understand that relationships need compromise - on both sides. I could've moved a bit, but so could he.

rol · Sep 26, 2007, 09:05 AM

<To be truthful, if he'd even sent a text saying "sorry it's not working, its over" that would've been easier to get my head around.
>

I guess he is still confused or trying to figure out if he is ready for the next step . Give him a few more weeks, I think he will contact soon. Don't stay in friend limbo though whatever you do.
Either he's in or he's out.

Gingerkid52 · Sep 26, 2007, 10:30 AM

Thanks

I'm trying to work that its over because I can't deal with the heartbreak again in a few weeks...

Its just such a strange situation!

farfrmnormal · Sep 26, 2007, 12:05 PM

This is where I am at right now - dealing with the heartbreak in a few weeks. I think its better to see things as being over.

Gingerkid52 · Sep 28, 2007, 03:44 AM

It is, at least it is for me.
We had no definitive date for a regroup or anything unlike yourself... he wanted "at least a few weeks"... well how long is a piece of string?

Its now just over two weeks since I saw him, and it'll be two weeks tomorro since I received the text message, so I'd say we're looking at a good week or so more until I can expect to hear anything.

I've had a real struggle but I've turned the corner a bit now. It still hurts like crazy and so many things remind me of him, but talking it all out with friends and my mum has made me realise that its actually HIM that was the problem...

He made out it was all my fault, but realistically he was selfish, he wanted to have all the trappings of a relationship and still live like a single guy as far as doing what he wanted when he wanted. I don't think he did give me the consideration I deserved, and with that breeds the concern did he respect me at all?

If he turned up now, I'd send him away again for at least another few weeks. I don't know what he's feeling or thinking, but at the same time I'm re-evaluating everything too. Its not to say I don't want him back, but I'm already a different person to the one I was two weeks ago. I'm definitely stronger, back to the real me, not the ever growing doormat which I was becoming...

farfrmnormal · Sep 28, 2007, 05:55 AM

I hear you loud and clear - as for a definitive date for re-grouping, for us there isn't one. The re-grouping timeline that has been set was set by myself - simply because a relationship needs closure to move on. If he cannot figure out what he wants after 1 month then I need to be the one to add closure. I am moving forward as if things are over - but like you, it doesn't mean that I don't want him back. Its been 3 weeks since our falling out and 3 days since we last spoke verbally. I feel that if he were to come to me tomorrow and tell me he wanted "us" back we would definitely have to have a heart to heart before anything like the occurred. I know that right now we cannot be together - he has issues he needs to resolve within himself and until then we cannot continue. As with yourself - it takes a bigger person to stand up and fix the things they saw as problems then to run away.

talaniman · Sep 28, 2007, 06:15 AM

He is not ready, and all his actions say so. He is also inexperienced, as you have said and has his own life without you. My advice is through all these emotions is to have your life without him also. Don't put your life on hold for him by any means.

Gingerkid52 · Sep 28, 2007, 06:17 AM

Sounds like we're in such similar positions!

I said to my friend today that I'll give him another two weeks and then I will consider contacting him, if even just to arrange to collect the things he has belonging to me. That will make it a month.

Hopefully by then I will be stronger than ever and able to deal with seeing him. At present I would still crumble if I saw him.

farfrmnormal · Sep 28, 2007, 06:20 AM

By the time we speak (If he doesn't contact me before) it will be 1.5 months since our breakup - At that point I feel I will be strong enough to be the one to put closure to the relationship.

Gingerkid52 · Sep 28, 2007, 06:30 AM

You and me both. Closure is something I will need, because I never had the chance to say anything.

farfrmnormal · Sep 28, 2007, 06:34 AM

Everything that comes to an end in life needs closure - funerals are closure - one person saying its over is closure - especially when someone says they need time. That could go on for forever if someone doesn't step up and make the move to let the other person know that it is in fact over. In our case, it might be us having to make that move - unfortunately.

One thing I constantly think about is - I consider everything that has happened through out the relationship and then I look at what has happened throughout these 3 weeks - can we really be together again? Or has too much come between us? I do have to stay positive though

Gingerkid52 · Sep 28, 2007, 06:50 AM

Exactly!

I find myself thinking that even if he came back, how on EARTH would we move on from this. How could I trust him to never do it again.

I'm doing OK, I'm working on myself, I've seen a lot of friends, socialised more in the last two weeks than I have done for a long time and I have good days and bad - I'm feeling good now more than I'm feeling bad, so I am making progress.

Chery · Sep 28, 2007, 07:00 AM

Super! You thankfully have not lost contact with YOURSELF and this is what I like to read in a post. Your 'break' will not take long to heal. I feel you have a very level head on your shoulder and you deserve all the attention in the world from 'Mr. Right' when he comes along.

Who knows, maybe he's had some quality time with his inner self and has matured, but this is something he will have to prove.

No matter how it turns out between you, I wish you all the best.