[confused8484]

If you are with someone on and off for 5 years.. but still not sure what you feel.. does that mean your not in love?? But at the same time you can't let go..

Or is it possible to get used to someone??

[GlindaofOz]

All of those things are possible.

Your feelings can change in the blink of an eye. Some people lose their romantic feelings for their partner over time.

Being with someone for 5 years allows you to settle into comfortable routine. The relationship is safe, secure and you know it. Outside of the relationship is scary because you haven't been single in a long time and for some people it comes down to do I stay and feel indifferent or leave and risk being alone and feeling as if no one loves me.

What's going on with your relationship? If you give some more details we could all probably help a whole lot more.

[confused8484]

Well it all started 5 years ago..

I met him through a friend and at that time he was drinkn, partying and getting high A lot.. so I never took it seriously.. it was summer and I didn't think much of it..

Months went by and I kept seeing him everywhere because we were part of a group of friends that used to go out together.. eventualyl we started becoming a couple.. however all if partying and drinking continued..

So one night I saw him with another girl and apparently it was nothing and he didn't care about her he cared about me.. so I started to go out myself and didn't quite care as much to devoting myself to the relationship as I was really hurt..

We stopped talking eventually and then a couple months later he called me and asked to see me again.. I did for some crazy reason and we started talking again.. I still didn't like his lifestyle so I told him and actually left..

Again months later he called me and told me he wanted to see me and changed completely.. . mind you he REALLY DID.. he quit everything.. I mean time to time he would go clubbing.. but more drugs... which clearly is great for him..

So I started taking this relationship more seriously.. which leads me to this summer.. we decided to tell our families openly about the relationship (as my family is more strict and never knew about it)...

We even started talking about engagement.. and that's when I had to stop everything.. I feel so confused and not sure what I'm feeling anymore..

So I told him last week that I wanted to be alone... we have been broken up for a week and I'm just so confused as to what I did and if that was the right or wrong choice.. we have broken up and made up so much that I don't know what I should do anymore..

And if that all wasn't enough...

.. last note.. he came here from another country 10 years ago and lives with his aunt and uncle when he first came he was 15yrs old.. he started school taking ESL... but never finished anything because there were too many problems and fights... and he couldn't study or focus.. I on the other hand have completed high school and college and graduated with 2 diplomas... clearly I think this will be a problem in the future.. as he will never truly have a steady job.. going back to school is not really an option as he is turning 26 and needs to work full time..
My family is so happy and relieved that I left him because (im sure of) his educational status and lack of family here..

[cupcakestitches]

Hmm.. well, in my opinion, if you're not sure if you're in love but you don't want to let go it probably means you love them, maybe not IN love with them, and you're just afraid of being alone or something. Follow your heart.

[GlindaofOz]

Whew that's quite a history huh?

Here is my take - I could be totally wrong but this is my kneejerk opinion. If you stay with him one of two things will happen 1) you will get married and he will eventually feel frustrated and angry because you no doubt with your education level (2 diplomas - BRAVO SISTER!) will have a nice job and make a great salary while he will be limited in his career choices. As a result he will sink back into a bad lifestyle and may began cheating. 2) You go back to him and decide that it just isn't worth it.

I don't see much good coming from this. You seem like someone who has the world at their feet and he seems content to stay in the same cruddy rut. I think you need to evaluate this situation honestly. If you are going to marry someone its about a lot more then love its about building an equal partnership. Is this someone you will always be able to rely upon? Will he stick around if things get tough? Can you trust him? Do your lifestyles mesh? Does your family like him and approve him? (well you already answered that one and to be honest that's the best indicator. I've never seen a relationship last with a familial disapproval).

All in all I think its time for you to tell him good-bye forever. You need someone who has the same drive and ambition as you do. Schooling and jobs don't matter it's the drive and ambition that count. You could meet a guy who only went to HS and is a carpenter but he is amazing at his job and plans on opening his own company. You need a partner who matches you or else you will become bored and frustrated.

[confused8484]

I think your right... I know deep down inside that that's right.. but its so hard to let go..

[GlindaofOz]

I know it is. Its always hard to let go of someone who has been in your life for a long time. But he honestly doesn't sound like a good person to be around.

There are a few amazing posts on here that are very helpful in getting you through breaking up with someone here are the links:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...ed-123862.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...kup-78597.html

[confused8484]

Thanks for the advice!