[farfrmnormal]

"I Love you, but am confused whether I am IN love with you"

As the title says - How does one figure out this question? If you are told this what do you do?

[ConfusedandLost]

There really is no way to figure out this question without time and distance. It's different for everyone... it's such a hard situation to be put in. As for what to do when told this? I would back off and give a whole lot of S P A C E. You don't need to prove your love and affection at this point, the other party is fully aware of it. They are fighting their inner thoughts, feelings and emotions to find out where they are. Time for THEM will only be the best thing at that point... this person needs to "find" themselves again. That way they can give you that healthy relationship that you deserve...

[farfrmnormal]

We talked about this issue (My ex and I) and he said that he thinks he feels this way because of the atmosphere we put ourselves in (we would always sit at my house with my parents watching TV). I thought that if we removed ourselves from that atmosphere he might be able to connect with his feelings again. We have discussed going to couples therapy - I want to stick it out to see where things go (we aren't together in a relationship but will be hanging out) but on the same token I don't want to be setting myself up for heartache again.

[shygrneyzs]

I would do much as ConfusedandLost said, S P A C E. If someone said that to me, I would wonder why in the world are you still here? Get lost already. Someone who does not know what the true emotions are does not need to be in my company. It is almost too easy to be still involved with someone who says that to you. As you think he still cares and he probably does. But the critical element is missing.

Being with you and you with him is far too comfortable for you both. It stops both of you from really finding the person who can say that he/she is in love with you and that heshe does love you.

You can do what you want to, but I would say to tell him that you need your own space and he definitely needs his. Don't hope for what is not there. Make your life over and go on. Good luck.

[GlindaofOz]

Oh jeez. So this was the result huh? I hate that statement. It feels like a blow to the stomach.

What it really means is that he loves you just like you love your friends, your family but not in a romantic way. Truth be told I don't know if couples therapy would help his feelings transition back to the romantic realm.

Do you really want to put so much work into a man who doesn't have romantic feelings towards you?

I think you both need to keep some more space (you did good for your week or so of NC) and really think about what YOU want. Not about feeling scared to lose him or anything like that but what honestly, really works for you.

[farfrmnormal]

Its not so much "couples therapy" more so him coming to one of my therapy sessions, which I would already be attending.

But I am curious, is it possible to still have him in my life and both of us still have space? We have made plans to hang out tomorrow night - but I am not pushing the event. I am not going to push anything, just simply see where this goes.

[GlindaofOz]

Can you get over him with him in your life all the time? Do you have hope that he will fall back in love with you? Do you still desire to be his girlfriend?

[ConfusedandLost]

Sure anything is possible... only if the two of you are content with only being friends for the time being and not wanting anything more. You can say it to yourself a million times but your heart likes to think on its own sometimes and conflict with your mind. Are you ready for that? Can you handle that? You have to be strong and not ponder for more... just hang out and have a good time, show him how much of a good time you are having without him around...

[farfrmnormal]

I do desire to be his girlfriend and I am not going to try and MAKE him fall in love with me - I can't do that. As for the hope - I think its more me wondering whether us occasionally spending time together may trigger his to figure out his feelings - for or against us as a loving couple. With regards to getting over him - I don't feel that I am ready to do that right now, whether he was in or out of my life. He himself said he wanted to put an honest effort into figuring things out - he said "We have spent 4 yrs together, I don't want to half an attempt to get to the bottom of things".

[GlindaofOz]

If you feel that way you need to spend some more time apart. You can't be his friend until you don't want to be his girlfriend anymore. Or what will happen is that he will see you more and more as a friend BUT will still have the attraction to you which could cause the two of you to end up in bed together and having you think it means he is still in love with you when really it means nothing. Or he keeps seeing you as a just a friend and thinks you are totally fine with that and starts seeing someone else and wants to talk to you about her since you are great buddies now.

Spending more time together will not trigger romantic feelings in him again. The only thing I see happening here if you are not over him is you getting very, very hurt.

[farfrmnormal]

I won't end up in bed with him - I would not allow that to happen. I am strong enough with myself that I wouldn't do that. He also said he is exclusive to me and wants to work on the relationship - does not want to date anyone else. We won't be together all of the time. What I am trying to understand is, he wants to work on our relationship and feels we can't if we aren't spending time together.

[GlindaofOz]

But he told you that he doesn't love you romantically to me that signals that HE has some things to work out. Its has nothing to do with you it has to do with his own confusion. No one can workout how they really feel when they are in the thick of it.

[farfrmnormal]

I am going to let him do his own thing - initiate contact etc. I feel like if I don't take the chances I am given I may regret it later.

[ConfusedandLost]

farfrmnormal,

Your not going to like this but you NEED to remove yourself from his life completely for awhile. He is clearly confused and needs time to himself to figure things out. Having you around just as friends will not help him realized if he is "in love" with you. You have to let go NOW, this is for your own sanity. If you continue you have a very long dark road ahead of you. Your better than that, you deserve so much better... go out and be happy without all of this pain that you have been taking on.

[farfrmnormal]

Its funny some of what I am being told here totally contradicts what my therapist has been telling me.

[GlindaofOz]

Well I wouldn't count that for much. When my friend was sleeping with a married man her therapist told her that was a good idea.

[ConfusedandLost]

I figured as much... we try and offer advice from our past experience or an unbiased reflection of what we see...

[farfrmnormal]

She hasn't told me I should per sue things or not - but has told me that whichever direction I choose to take is going to involve a risk. Right now it depends on which risk I choose to take. Even though I confute some of what is said here, it does not mean I do not take it into consideration.

If both parties are willing to find the problem in a relationship and then deal with it when the problem is found (To part or to fix the problem) is there harm in that? If I were married, would I be told to divorce him if he had told me the same things? I have always been told that if there is room for improvement take it and do what you can with it. People fall in and out of love all the time - some for a short time and some permanently.

I think perhaps it is often difficult to convey the entire situation through words.

[GlindaofOz]

If you were married and your husband told you that he no longer loved you then yes I would say it is time to leave. When men fall out of love its usually game over. I've read studies about how men love constantly and their amount of love for someone never waivers until it ends. Women on the other hand have love that changes with the day.

Ultimately I think you are going to make whatever decision you are going to make and like Confusedand Lost said we can only tell you what we have seen and what we know. And what I know is that when someone says "I'm not IN love with you" that it will not change. Love is not a problem to be fixed. I believe you attempt to see emotions rationally and logically which is a fools game because they are neither.

[farfrmnormal]

Its funny you say that - the rationally and logically - my therapist has told me I am not in tune with my emotions and see everything as rational - A or B answers. My problem is working with the two together.

Where did you read these studies - I would be interested in reading them.