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erlobenauer · Sep 23, 2007, 03:58 AM

My husband and I are both young ( we're 23 ) we have known each other since the age of 16, were only together a year before we married and we have two wonderful kids together. Throughout the years, we have been throug ha tremendous amount of ups and downs. We used to fight like teenagers because we didn't know how to handle anger and communicating with each other. BEFORE joining the army a year ago, I was ready to put an end to this relationship due to the fighting. After his BCT training I realized how much I did love him and how we were set on working this out. Then he left for Germany and I was still stateside. Things got rough... worse than they've ever been. Cheating, manipulation and lies - and I still came here ( to germany ) and can actually say our relationship has NEVER been better, never been stronger and when we argue, we walk away when were aggravated, and SIT down and talk, and apologize when were calm enough not to hurt each other by angry words. He said he has changed because he doesn't want to lose me, and I say the same. WE BOTH love each other more , we have completely falling in love all over again - even after everything that has happened. There are still those times I blurt " im leaving " - just to be hurtful, but 90% of our relationship has absolutely gotten better.We are all over each other all of the time, in fact if I sit to far from him on the couch he makes me move closer.We are constantly saying " I Love you, and hugging each other, or just simply touching each other as we walk by. But I'm still scared. I am trying to change, we are both in this for the long run , what can I do to ensure my marriage doesn't end. Does this sound like its going down the wrong path. I need others opinions, perhaps I only see things how I want to see it.

I also just want to add that in our little over 4 year relationship - we have never argued about finances, in-laws ,sex or even raising our children. We are very similar in many many ways. We argue mostly about how we hurt eachothers feelings and being scared that the other will leave the marriage. I know its mostly insecurity - but we've had a great friendship since we've met and even more so now. What should I do about the silly arguments we do have?

THank you all for reading, sorry if it doesn't make much sense, trying to write in as little detail as possible or I'd be here all day:)

RubyPitbull · Sep 23, 2007, 05:27 AM

Your worrying is a good sign. It means you care enough to figure out what you need to do to keep the marriage strong. A lot of the positive things that you wrote about is exactly what keeps people together and keeps a marriage strong. Saying, "I love you", hugging, cuddling, touching. Just doing those things at unexpected times is very much a good thing and creates a very strong bond between you. You also stated the exact thing you need to do when you both get angry -- you need to walk away and wait until you calm down, then sit down and discuss the problem rationally until a solution can be found.

For 23, you seem to be very self aware than most young marrieds. That is a wonderful trait. One of the things you need to understand is that you both will get annoyed with each other from time to time. It is inevitable when you are living with another person. No one is perfect and there are going to be things about each of you that will annoy the other and there are going to be days in which it seems like everything is going wrong. You both just need to keep in mind that you can't take each other for granted and take out your frustrations on your partner. Your spouse is your partner in life. Being best friends and talking about anything and everything that concerns your life together will bring you even closer. Always remember that communication is the key to a good marriage.

When you are angry, try to keep in mind that threatening to leave when you get frustrated isn't constructive in resolving problems. Saying things in anger, even when you don't mean it, can be very damaging to a relationship. You can't take back the words you have spoken. Respect for your partner, and their feelings, goes a long way in building a solid foundation in a relationship. So, both of you need to be conscious of that, and need to take a step back when you get into an argument. Just pull yourself back. Really think about why you are angry and shut your mouth if you are tempted to say anything that is counterproductive to resolving the issue. Walk away and say you will both have a discussion when you calm down and are capable of talking things out in a rational and logical manner. I know it is easier said than done, but this is one of those negative personality traits that needs to be actively worked on. Focus on it, think about it, be conscious of it, when you are about to blow your top. It is all part of the maturity process. You are actively teaching yourself to cope with the negatives in life, in a positive and constructive manner. :)

erlobenauer · Sep 23, 2007, 05:41 AM

Thank you for your response. I understand completely. The past two months have been argument free, as we've learned somewhat of how to deal with anger and talking about it at the right times. I do however know that I took him for granted for so long and since I've realized that, we both make sure to tell each other that we appreciate the other and what the other does in this relationship. He always tells me not to worry, because he Doesn't PLAN on going anywhere - and when I do bring the worries up to him, he says its all me that he doesn't worry about us at all because in his mind, there is nothing to worry about. I know it seems silly, but my parents were divorced shortly after being married, and when my mom remarried, every time her and my step father fought it was " i want a divorce." Its not my excuse by no means, but perhaps its habit from hearing it for so long. And deep down, I'm scared that if I make him angry that's what he'll say to me. Things you've known all your life are hard to change, but I'm sure trying!

Thanks AGAIN!

RubyPitbull · Sep 23, 2007, 05:55 AM

Erlo, what you have mentioned is not an excuse. It is a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why you feel the way you do. It is a very valid reason. You do need to keep everything in perspective, honey, and you need to keep reminding yourself of that. You are not your mother. Your marriage is not her marriage. I know it is hard, but you need to actively and consciously remind yourself of that huge fact when these doubts begin to hit you. You are expressing something that is a learned behavior for you, a life lesson taught to you by your mother. A very bad one. You need to remind yourself of that every time the negative feelings start to creep in. Do not overthink this. Do not doubt your husband's word. We women have a tendency to do that. It is completely due to insecurities and self-doubt that are instilled in us at a young age. Your mother has done you a grave disservice and you need to remind yourself of that.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 23, 2007, 06:02 AM

I would say you two have a lot more positives than negatives. I also suggest you go to a counseling session or two to learn how to "fight fair" Every couple will have a disagreement or argument, the key is to learn how to do it fairly.
You mentioned there was some infidelity at one point. You want make sure the emotions and hurt with that has been resolved, it can cause you to say and do hurtful things if it was never addressed and resolved.
Get some counseling. It will do you both some good. Cummunication is really the key

erlobenauer · Sep 23, 2007, 06:09 AM

I know that infidelity is not OK under any circumstances, and I believe I handled it well. We talked about it a on a few occasions when I arrived here with him, and haven't mentioned anything about her in months. But I would love counseling, not because I seriously doubt our marriage, but I want to make sure under all circumstances we are on the same level in our relationship. Same goes for the fighting. Its deminishing little by little, but the only way to make sure its handled great, is to look for outside help. A third persons perspective is what everyone needs at one point or another. Why wait for things to go wrong to get counseling? The more connected you are as a couple, the more committed you are as a couple, the lesser chance the marriage is to failure?. Right?

RubyPitbull · Sep 23, 2007, 06:13 AM

Originally Posted by erlobenauer

The more connected you are as a couple, the more committed you are as a couple, the lesser chance the marriage is to failure?! ...Right?

Right. If you feel that you need the outside help to learn how to move past this, by all means, do find someone.

erlobenauer · Sep 23, 2007, 06:19 AM

Not neccissarily past the infidelity, because my husband is nt the type of guy to do that, especially not more than once. He's more than sorry for what's happened. He's is a fantastic guy, which is probably why it was so easy to say lets keep trying! But counseling for the fact I can't get out of my head for each argument is going to come ' he wants to leave me ', therefore I threaten first. If he objects, I know he loves me and isn't going anywhere. I wish I could change that on my own, but I know I cannot. And I love him more for understanding!

RubyPitbull · Sep 23, 2007, 06:26 AM

What I was suggesting to you to move past these thoughts is one of the tools that a counselor uses. But, it usually is more effective to have someone tell you these things face to face. With weekly sessions you become more aware of your actions during the disagreements and it makes it easier for you to stop and think about what you are doing. I think if you are really having trouble with this, you should go for the counseling. You will be taught how to retrain your thinking processes.

erlobenauer · Sep 23, 2007, 06:30 AM

I will definitely be doing that. I think I need to go alone, to get myself straight before I bring my husband. Maybe I'm thinking wrong - but I can't help us, until Im fixed. This situation was caused way before I even met him, he deserves better as far as my stupid threats, and I am emotionally wrecked with fear that if it doesn't stop, it will push him away. ALTHOUGH everything other than this occasional threat, we get along great! But I know threats eventually take their toll on others emotions, and I'm not willing to be the reason this marriage ends , when everything else is so wonderful~ Thanks for all of you insight, I really really appreciate it. Its nice to hear things from someone other than family. I want to hear real perspectives/insights - seems my family just tells me what I want to hear.

RubyPitbull · Sep 23, 2007, 06:35 AM

Honey, recognizing that it is a problem that may eventually destroy your marriage is the first step to resolving it. You are right, start this process on your own. The marriage counselor will let you know when it is time to bring your husband into the sessions. Good luck! :)

talaniman · Sep 23, 2007, 08:35 AM

First let me say how refreshing it is to see a couple actually working together and growing together. We usually see them breaking up and in emotional turmoil. I think you are definitely doing the right things to grow together right now especially for your age. You have already solved or are solving a lot of major obstacles and I hope that continues. Many forget that solving the problems life throws at us makes us grow together and the bigger the problem you work on and get over, the more the growth. I see great things in your future. (No, I'm not a psychic) and a lot of happy times together and if you need outside help or advice, get it as others have said. Talk and listen to each other. Much luck to you both.