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isaiahsmysunshine · Sep 22, 2007, 12:37 PM

I am upset about my baby daddy. He is demanding that he see his son. He is the legal father by the way and is paying child support. We both live in Illinois. He only came out to my house twice to see his son and when he comes out he lies about taking us out to eat. I paid the last time he came out but he complained about paying 3 bucks for a taco. How is he going to pay for diapers? Anyhow he has no custody or vistation in place. He won't take me to court. He thinks I should do everything. The last two times I told him to come out to see his son he blew him off. My son was very upset and confused. I even wrote a letter to get family councling but he ignored it. The problem I have is he wants to take my son all the way over to his house without me and my son don't even know him. He is 3and a half now and questions everything. I don't want him to think it is OK to talk to strangers. I told his Father he can come over here every weekend as long as I'm not busy. He refuses or lies and says no I want him at my house his side of the family wants to see him. But I can't come with he says. Because he is ashamed of me because I am big. He says rude thing like that in front of my son all the time. Everything has to be his way and I am fed up.:confused:

npalm33 · Sep 22, 2007, 12:48 PM

Originally Posted by isaiahsmysunshine

I am upset about my baby daddy. He is demanding that he see his son. He is the legal father by the way and is paying child support. We both live in Illinois. He only came out to my house twice to see his son and when he comes out he lies about taking us out to eat. I paid the last time he came out but he complained about paying 3 bucks for a taco. How is he going to pay for diapers? Anyhow he has no custody or vistation in place. He won't take me to court. He thinks I should do everything. The last two times I told him to come out to see his son he blew him off. My son was very upset and confused. I even wrote a letter to get family councling but he ignored it. The problem I have is he wants to take my son all the way over to his house without me and my son don't even know him. He is 3and a half now and questions everything. I don't want him to think it is ok to talk to strangers. I told his Father he can come over here every weekend as long as i'm not busy. He refuses or lies and says no I want him at my house his side of the family wants to see him. But I can't come with he says. Because he is ashamed of me because i am big. He says rude thing like that in front of my son all the time. Everything has to be his way and I am fed up.:confused:

You should consider having him bring his family over to your place so they can visit with your son where he feels comfortable and you should go shopping or something so they have private time with him. That way your son will not feel out of place since he's in a familiar environment and the baby's daddy should appreciate having alone time with him.

isaiahsmysunshine · Sep 23, 2007, 04:19 PM

Originally Posted by npalm33

You should consider having him bring his family over to your place so they can visit with your son where he feels comfortable and you should go shopping or something so they have private time with him. That way your son will not feel out of place since he's in a familiar environment and the baby's daddy should appreciate having alone time with him.

He Won't agree with that. Like I said it has to be his way or the highway. I have already tried lots of things. He is just very selfish. He Doesn't want his faimly to waste their gas to come over here. He wants me to drive over there with my family. I don't see any other single mothers having to drop their kids off with their fathers. It is the other way around and did I Mention I don't even have a car or licence to drop my son off their anyway and the baby daddy knows that. It just gets annoying.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 23, 2007, 05:51 PM

He can go to court and get specific vistation times. As the bio father and already paying child support he does have the rights to see the child.
Normally he will pick the child up and take the child with him. If you do not wish him in your home, you can arrange that a third party do the transfer.

ScottGem · Sep 23, 2007, 06:23 PM

If there is no court ordered visitation in place, then you are in control. But if he goes to court it is likely he will get the type of visitation he wants.

isaiahsmysunshine · Sep 24, 2007, 01:25 PM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

If there is no court ordered visitation in place, then you are in control. But if he goes to court it is likely he will get the type of visitation he wants.

Ha that is funny. It cost $1500.00 to take me to court. He will never pay that. His video games are clearly more important but thanks for all the advice. I appreciate it.

ScottGem · Sep 24, 2007, 04:29 PM

Well then he's unlikely to take you to court so you need not worry.

CaptainRich · Sep 24, 2007, 04:43 PM

Originally Posted by isaiahsmysunshine

He Won't agree with that. Like I said it has to be his way or the highway. I have allready tried lots of things. He is just very selfish. He Doesn't want his faimly to waste their gas to come over here. He wants me to drive over there with my family. I don't see any other single mothers having to drop their kids off with their fathers. It is the other way around and did i Mention I don't even have a car or licence to drop my son off their anyways and the baby daddy knows that. It just gets annoying.

I don't like to disagree on these topics, but the last thing I would do is let him into my home, with my child, while I wasn't there!

First, in my opinion, your home is not to be trusted with him. Secondly, you are your son's support system. Without you there, it would be like he was somewhere else anyway; your son would not be comfortable. He would look around his home, his sanctuary, and not find you there.

If he doesn't legally declare mutual and partial custody, make him conform to your's, and your mutual son's, best interest. Public places, when you can both be there.

macksmom · Sep 24, 2007, 04:46 PM

As everyone has said, yes as the father he does have rights, but he needs to act in order to force those rights. The ball is in your court since nothing legally has been established as far as visitation. So you can refuse to let the child go, there is nothing he can do at this point aside from take you to court.

And even if he does take you to court, if he has not father-son relationship establish, no judge in their right mind is going to say "hey the child doesn't know you but go ahead and take him for the weekend". At least not a competent judge.

When my daughter father and I went to court to establish visitation, he had no parent relationship with my daughter. They set up a "graduated" visitation schedule to ease into the situation. It went something like this...

He got to see her for 2 hours once a week, it had to be at a neutral location and I had to be there. That continued for a month.

Then he could see her for 2 hours twice a week, the same as above applying, and that continued for a month.

Then we did one day for 2 hours, I had to be there. And one day he was allowed to take her alone for 2 hours. And we did that for a month.

Etc Etc...

He had to build that relationship with my daughter first.

macksmom · Sep 24, 2007, 06:02 PM

Comments on this post
CaptainRich agrees: It's unfortunate that a father-daughter relationship would progress this way. That bond and relationship should have been established much sooner.

Yeah it's very sad that most men don't automatically have that paternal instinct that keeps them inseparable from their children.
Even after setting up the visitation he refused to take her overnight, refused to leave if she was crying, he would want me to calm her down... basically refused any type of father role. Then it finally came to a point where he stopped coming. He went 4 years without seeing her, without calling her, without acknowledging her birthday etc. (mind you my daughter is only 5). He just got in touch with me about 4 months ago and started seeing her again. But we are right back at square one... having to do visitation gradually until she feels safe with him.

And he wonders why she calls my husband "daddy" and says she has two daddys...

CaptainRich · Sep 24, 2007, 06:46 PM

Originally Posted by macksmom

Comments on this post
CaptainRich agrees: It's unfortunate that a father-daughter relationship would progress this way. That bond and relationship should have been established much sooner.

Yeah it's very sad that most men don't automatically have that paternal instinct that keeps them inseparable from their children.
Even after setting up the visitation he refused to take her overnight, refused to leave if she was crying, he would want me to calm her down...basically refused any type of father role. Then it finally came to a point where he stopped coming. He went 4 years without seeing her, without calling her, without acknowledging her birthday etc. (mind you my daughter is only 5). He just got in touch with me about 4 months ago and started seeing her again. But we are right back at square one...having to do visitation gradually until she feels safe with him.

And he wonders why she calls my husband "daddy" and says she has two daddys...

That is sad... but similar, in many ways, to my situation. My son, Ryan, is actually my wife's son, from a previous "biological contributor", as she calls it... I met Ryan when he was only 9 months old. I've been the only father figure he's known. His mom is very sick and he has little other family to talk to. He'll be thirty in May next year, and still calls me, and calls me Dad. Makes me proud.

But I don't fully understand why your ex has begun to contact you and your daughter now... after so long. But, I'm also puzzled as to why many "biological contributors" wait so long, or don't ever bother, to have a part in their offspring's lives. A part of their own heritage is going without.

macksmom · Sep 24, 2007, 06:59 PM

Originally Posted by CaptainRich

That is sad... but similar, in many ways, to my situation. My son, Ryan, is actually my wifes son, from a previous "biological contributor", as she calls it... I met Ryan when he was only 9 months old. I've been the only father figure he's known. His mom is very sick and he has little other family to talk to. He'll be thirty in May next year, and still calls me, and calls me Dad. Makes me proud.

But I don't fully understand why your ex has begun to contact you and your daughter now... after so long. But, I'm also puzzled as to why many "biological contributors" wait so long, or don't ever bother, to have a part in their offspring's lives. A part of their own heritage is going without.

Yeah, lucky for us moms that had an unfortunate run-in with lousy sperm donors that there are guys out there (like you and my husband, along with many more) that see a child as the blessing that they are, regardless of their DNA :)

Yeah, I have no clue either why he got in touch all of the sudden. He said he had been drowning his sorrow in drinking for the past 4 years (multiple DUI's, and fathered two little boys with 2 separate women), and thought my daughter would be better off with someone else. But he said now he realizes that she is better off with no one but him. If I had it my way, he wouldn't be in her life, but I can't prevent that relationship when he is making the first move. I can't tell my daughter down the road that I wouldn't let her bio father see her when he seemed to want to. When he wasn't seeing her before, I never pushed anything, never begged him to see her... nothing, I just let it be and that's why its been 4 years. Personally, I think he realizes she's not a baby anymore... most of the "raising" is done... I mean she is independent and can do things for herself, no diapers, no bottles etc... I did all that, and now he has it easy.

It's all still confusing to be how he breezed back into her life. But luckily with her age, it didn't scare her like when she was little. She is adjusting, plus I still supervise visits, but still puzzles me how I have offered to drop her with him alone for a few hours and he always refuses. I don't know what his deal is.:confused:

CaptainRich · Sep 24, 2007, 07:25 PM

Originally Posted by macksmom

Yeah, lucky for us moms that had an unfortunate run-in with lousy sperm donors that there are guys out there (like you and my husband, along with many more) that see a child as the blessing that they are, regardless of their DNA :)

Yeah, I have no clue either why he got in touch all of the sudden. He said he had been drowning his sorrow in drinking for the past 4 years (multiple DUI's, and fathered two little boys with 2 separate women), and thought my daughter would be better off with someone else. But he said now he realizes that she is better off with no one but him. If I had it my way, he wouldn't be in her life, but I can't prevent that relationship when he is making the first move. I can't tell my daughter down the road that I wouldn't let her bio father see her when he seemed to want to. When he wasn't seeing her before, I never pushed anything, never begged him to see her...nothing, I just let it be and that's why its been 4 years. Personally, I think he realizes she's not a baby anymore...most of the "raising" is done....I mean she is independent and can do things for herself, no diapers, no bottles etc....I did all that, and now he has it easy.

It's all still confusing to be how he breezed back into her life. But luckily with her age, it didn't scare her like when she was little. She is adjusting, plus I still supervise visits, but still puzzles me how I have offered to drop her with him alone for a few hours and he always refuses. I don't know what his deal is.:confused:

You're right to be cautious and right to be concerned. You don't know if he's really clean and sober (None of my business so tell me to shut up if you'd like )

Truth is, you've done the largest part of this end of raising your girl... Let's see if her "bio" feels as close when she needs a car or the emotional support that will come in her teens...

Hang in there...
Rich

macksmom · Sep 24, 2007, 08:02 PM

Originally Posted by CaptainRich

You're right to be cautious and right to be concerned. You don't know if he's really clean and sober (None of my business so tell me to shut up if you'd like )

Truth is, you've done the largest part of this end of raising your girl... Let's see if her "bio" feels as close when she needs a car or the emotional support that will come in her teens...

Hang in there...
Rich

Yeah I know he is not sober... the night before the first time he was to see her in 4 years he got picked up for yet another DUI. I begged with the officer not to hold him in jail because he was seeing his daughter for the first time in 4 years, so the officer let him go. So no, you are right on track with that thought.

I know he wouldn't do anything to put my daughters in harms way, like drinking and driving with her, but he needs to wake up one day and realize that he is a father. I missed out on the normal happening of my early 20's (I had her when I was 19)... so for example, when I was 21 I didn't go out partying because I could legally drink etc. He's lived his life like a man with no children, only coming around when it's convient for him.

When we got child support established when she was about a year old, I got his tax returns the first year because he was behind in child support. When he realized this, he stopped filing taxes and hasn't filed since. So what sense does that make? He won't get a tax refund if he does file (b/c I will get it), but he won't get one if he doesn't... so why not make the responsible choice and use those refunds as a way to catch up support?

It's stressful, but I try not to let it get to me. My husband sees her as his own, and she wants for nothing... it's just hard knowing that her bio father isn't pulling his weight, but still gets all the luxuries of being a part-time father... :(

CaptainRich · Sep 24, 2007, 08:25 PM

My wife has never seen a nickel or a phone call from "it." And I don't mind!

But, if your ex isn't filing tax returns because he know's it'll go to you, or if he doesn't want to bother, you've got the tools to just flick him off the map! Literally! I'd bet it wouldn't take two or three properly selected phone calls to make certain he won't get a chance to DUI around your child.

His bigger fear should be from the IRS, that of facing time for evasion. You know what I mean? I don't mean to stir anything up, but, heck, he's being irresponsible: DUI and under the influence associating a minor and tax evasion. He's a walking time bomb. I think you'd do well to protect your child, your household, and yourself. Perhaps even others on the street! Now!

macksmom · Sep 24, 2007, 08:54 PM

Yeah, trust me... I've tried "flicking" the stupid booger won't budge haha.

But seriously... I used to email him about every 6 months during the 4 years he wasn't see my daughter, and ask him to sign over his rights so I could just do it on my own... he always said no, then one day I even offered to pay him back anything he had paid in child support just to get out of the picture... he agreed. I went to my attorney that day, and was told of the upsetting news, that unless I had someone willing to adopt her he couldn't sign over his right even if I was in agreement :(

So then I got married, and my husband wanted to adopt her... now the bio pops right back in the picture. So there is no way he is going to sign over his rights now.
I mean, I even have to ask his permission to change my daughters last name to my husbands since my is now changed... and she doesn't even have her fathers last name, I gave her MY last name when she was born!

I called the IRS about him not filing, and they said unless he happens to get audited there is nothing they do. After 3 years the money is just gone... no one gets it.

Out of his 3 kids by 3 different women, he only sees my daughter. One of the women and him are physically abusive to one another, and that can be proven through the police... and I don't want my daughter there one day when this girl comes over and they fight.

It's just a messed up situation, and I am stuck.

isaiahsmysunshine · Sep 25, 2007, 10:37 AM

Originally Posted by macksmom

As everyone has said, yes as the father he does have rights, but he needs to act in order to force those rights. The ball is in your court since nothing legally has been established as far as visitation. So you can refuse to let the child go, there is nothing he can do at this point aside from take you to court.

And even if he does take you to court, if he has not father-son relationship establish, no judge in their right mind is going to say "hey the child doesn't know you but go ahead and take him for the weekend". At least not a competent judge.

When my daughter father and I went to court to establish visitation, he had no parent relationship with my daughter. They set up a "graduated" visitation schedule to ease into the situation. It went something like this...

He got to see her for 2 hours once a week, it had to be at a neutral location and I had to be there. That continued for a month.

Then he could see her for 2 hours twice a week, the same as above applying, and that continued for a month.

Then we did one day for 2 hours, I had to be there. And one day he was allowed to take her alone for 2 hours. And we did that for a month.

Etc Etc...

He had to build that relationship with my daughter first.

That the thing he won't come. He will blow him off then what do I do? What happends if they do give him gradule vistation and he blows him off. That would really hurt my son.

macksmom · Sep 25, 2007, 10:43 AM

Originally Posted by isaiahsmysunshine

That the thing he won't come. He will blow him off then what do i do? What happends if they do give him gradule vistation and he blows him off. That would really hurt my son.

Well as I said... the ball is totally in your court. If nothing has been set up through the courts as far as visitation, the bio father cannot do anything. If he wants to see his son, but won't agree to your terms, then he has to go to court to get something set up.

If he finally decides to go to court, and a visitation order is set he has to abide by that. You can do what I did... do not tell your child that visitation is set for a certain day. Keep the time open of course, if he shows up great, if he doesn't your child will never feel "let down" because he won't know.