[farfrmnormal]

So here I sit at work - browsing the Internet for a definitive answer, but I have come to realize there is no definitive answer to my question.

Here is the background:

All is fine and well in my life - great boyfriend of 4 years, great family and a few great friends (which I have done on purpose). My grandfather is admitted to hospital for a routine surgery, expected to recover and be released the following day - this did not happen. He fell ill and Doctors did not know what was wrong - the stress enveloped the family. I grew anxious and one evening I snapped at my boyfriend when it was not deserved. The next day my boyfriend and I are discussing how he is not ready to be married or own a home. Shock! We had been talking about those topics regularly and nothing had been mentioned until then. I was upset and felt lost. I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't know if they wanted to be married. But it wasn't over - We spent 4 hours on the phone that night. My eyes swollen from crying - he called three times after we hung up to make sure I was all right. Before he hung up he said "I love you so much and I don't want to lose you. It doesn't have to end now, we can work on things." I was comforted.
The next day I try calling him, texting him etc and he does not reply until 5:30pm. He states that he will be coming to my house to talk. He arrived (this being the next day) - we talked. I stated that its unfair for him to expect me to end something if he is the one that wants it - I honestly didn't expect the following answer - he says "I'm unhappy". So long story short he wanted us to be over - I begged him to give me one month to prove that things will change (During a later conversation he had expressed some issues and concerns, which I admitted were valid concerns). So here we are a week and a half later. I found it VERY hard to give him his space and found myself wanting to tell him about the things I was willing to do. What plagues me is how can someone love you so much, show no signs of a faltering relationship and not even 24hrs later tell you its over - and have to be coerced into "thinking" about things?

Anyway, we decided that we would set a boundary - I was struggling with the fact that I did not know where his head was at and how long it would take him to call. So, from Monday (Sept 17, 07) we decided that he would call sometime next week. So right now, we are not together and I fear that we will never be together again.

I need some help on staying positive and keeping myself stress free until we do talk again. What if he tells me its over? Any advice?

[ilovcali]

Well, this is not what you want to hear. But ASSUME THAT IT IS OVER. It sounds like the reality of the future is not something you boyfriend is willing to deal with. Usually when someone is confused, or wary, or scared, it is NOT A GOOD SIGN.

There is of course some hope, but be very careful. Honestly, someone does not decide in the span of 24hrs that it is over. They have felt this way for sometime, and have either hoped they would feel differently, or were afraid to deal with the situation.

I think you'll be less stressed if you ASSUME IT'S OVER. That way you don't keep waiting and guessing what he'll do.

And what were the things that he was upset about, i.e. "valid concerns"? I think he is afraid to commit his whole life just yet. And if that's what you want soon or now, you might be barking up the wrong tree.

He just doesn't sound ready and you don't want to stay with someone who is CONFUSED. And KEEP GIVING HIM SPACE. NO CALLS, TEXTS, EMAILS. Nothing. He deosn't exist.

--Cali

[farfrmnormal]

To keep things short but logical.

On multiple occasions these concerns were expressed to me:

- When I get home from work I like to get into my PJ's and do nothing. I say nothing because now that I look back on things, the things I said I was "busy" doing weren't significant at all.
- He said I often used a "tone" when speaking to him - my mother has been telling me this for years. Its not what I say its how I say it.
- I act cold and reserved in front of people sometimes - the expression on my face makes me look as if I don't want to be there (in that situation would rather be somewhere else).
- I was not brought up in an affectionate home and find it difficult to express myself physically - I would rather show them with gifts and words.

To address these issues I have made appointments to see a psychologist. I am going for my 2nd session today and plan on going until these issues are resolved.

I can understand that it would be frustrating to re-iterate these issues to someone and not have them listen, but I tried to explain to him that self realization and change is a hard thing to do and accept. I used the analogy of a heart attack patient. He/she may have been told for years that their lifestyle needed to change - its not until after the heart attack that they open their eyes and realize the change needs to occur now. This is what has happened to me - I never realized it until he broke things off. I am trying to change these things, and I know they will... I just can't make sense of his actions. Why "I love you and don't want to lose you, we can work on things" and then 24hrs later its over?

I have not text'd him, called him or sent him any e-mails since our agreement to not talk till he calls next week. Will this space do him any good? Should I hope for the best? How can I stay positive but prepare myself for the end?

I guess what pains me the most is thinking about not being with him - I am unsure how to proceed, and coping methods. It has been so long since I have been without anyone that I am unsure what to do.

[farfrmnormal]

I have read many posts by others and My post must be making some of you rack your brains out. It seems like my question is very similar to many out there. One thing I find myself doing that is different then others though is this - I am taking the time to admit my faults and I am seeing someone to help me fix them. If things don't work out with my ex I want to ensure that the things that have caused problems in past relationships (Yes my last one and the one before) are gone and out of my life. I guess this site is merely for me to feel better and vent.

But I do have concerns - I want to have a family and be married. I am 25 and feel as though these past 4 yrs have done nothing but set me back. I have read that it can take up to 3 yrs to be fully over someone - But this totally screws up my timeline now.

[talaniman]

Life is a be-atch isn't it. You have a LOT going on in your own life. Take a breath, and give yourself some time to let the emotional dust settle. Your letting the emotions overule real life, and that's not good or healthy for you. You are pushing your own agenda (very selfish at this point) instead of relating, and talking and LISTENING. Slow down a bit and get a little grip with reality. Take care of family businesss first. Then cry on your boyfriends shoulder. Life is only overwhelming if you don't slow down!! Ithink you ned to stop being so hard headed in what you want, and be a lot more understanding to the ones around you.

[farfrmnormal]

I have taken care of the family business first - and to be completely clear, I really have tried to focus on my grandfather the most - but under the circumstances it was difficult. My grandfather is now out of hospital and recovering quite well - now I can focus on me, this is why I am becoming overwhelmed with emotion. You say to cry on my boyfriends shoulder later, fact is, I don't have his shoulder to cry on - we are not together.

I don't quite understand how I am being selfish and hard headed. Everything that has been expressed to me is being dealt with. I am not inconsiderate of the ones around me, in fact each day my grandfather was ill, I was there by his side as much as I could - each night between 5-8pm I sat there and talked with him, as those were his visiting hours. I am the one that has chosen to do something about my issues and have sought help - I could have very well not done anything. Instead I am facing them head on. When I get overwhelmed with emotions I do breathing exercises and think positively - I don't know what else I can do..

I suppose I am using this site as an outlet and looking for some conversation - something to peak ideas, help me through the NC stage, which by the way we are on day 3 with TOTAL NC. There were a couple days last week where we did not talk as well, but there was a lapse in my judgment on Sunday and Monday and a few rash e-mails (we all do it at some point I have been told). So responses are welcome - they are comforting and help me better understand things from another persons point of view (Which I sometimes have a hard time seeing unless stated).

Thanks.

[hpallister]

Your situation sounds very siilar to mine, and this site does help... I'd say (and it's too easy to say) your NC plan is the best bet, sounds like you're being very logical and sensible with everything, and the questions your raising are so valid in your situation, anyone would feel the same. People often bring blame into a break up when they need to validate their feelings towards someone, and somewhat unnecessarily- it takes two to make a relationship work after all - so don't be too hard on yourself. The counselling will do you the world of good whatever the outcome - you should be very proud of yourself for recognizing that you need to go. I'm going as well and it's hard, but so good.
As for coping methods, I've found that every day doing something FOR YOU that is distracting and calming helps, even if it's only for an hour - it gives your mind and heart a rest. Read a good book or watch a funny DVD - it sounds trite but it just makes the days a bit easier. Set aside that time for a break from it all.
Hope is dangerous, best to just be still at the moment, don't put too much pressure on yourself to feel anything either way. Deal with each day as it comes, no contact gives you the space you need as well remember. Leave him alone, he may come back and he may not but until you feel more at ease you won't be able to give this another go.

[farfrmnormal]

I have been reading about your situation and found it to be similar as well - I think most break ups between different individuals seem to be similar. They seem to go through the same motions of ups and downs, highs and lows.

As for him "coming back" we have set a boundary from our last discussion. We both agreed that a timeline to sit down and talk was most appropriate. He stated that he would call me at some point next week to discuss things. My therapist has instilled in me that focusing on the negatives can be catastrophic right now and being positive is the best thing to do. She tried to express that there are two situations to every story and that being the worst that could happen (Us not getting back together) and the best (Us getting back together) - she also reminded me that there is everything in between there as well. SO this is what I am trying to remember each time my emotions start to run. Right now, I just find it comforting to read and have responses about the situation.

One thing that has not been answered is - how can someone say "I Love you so much and don't want to lose you" and not even 24hrs later end things - this is what confuses me.

On a side note, why are people viewing my question but not commenting?

[hpallister]

Yeah it is good, it's helpful to read other's perspectives on stuff.

The fact he said he'd call to discuss things is good - it shows he recognises the need to talk things through, which is a great start I think. My ex only ever wants to talk about TV and the weather at the moment... so frustrating.

Have you thought about asking him to go to counselling with you? Just a thought...

[farfrmnormal]

Its funny - I did. When we first broke things off I told him I wanted 1 month to prove to him that things would be different - this is when he told me he would think about things (Almost 2 weeks ago). During one of conversations last week I asked him to go to counselling with me - the typical "I'll think about it." However; IF we do get back together I will be requesting that he come to one of my sessions.

Its funny, during our conversation on Monday we had some good chit chat - some and mostly none of if was about our relationship. He said that he just snapped and got mad and wants to make sure his feelings are true. But... When I needed someone to talk to about my grandfather, he was there and called - this is what confuses me. I KNOW he still cares and cannot, not love me - I mean, we were together 4 years. Maybe I am just blind to reality...

[ConfusedandLost]

What your going through is a tough thing to handle. You doing good so far, above all else... NO CONTACT it will drastically help you heal. You need to forget about him for now, he is confused. You will fall into that trap of confusion... it sounds like you have some family issues. Spend time with them to help you stop thinking about him. Another big thing to STOP doing... don't wonder if he is missing you, if you two may get back together, this time is for YOU! As for your timeline... don't worry about that, it will all come to you. Be patient, you may be trying to rush or force this relationship subconsciously due to your strong desire to be settled down.

This place is great to vent, and learn... there are many, many people here that can guide you... good luck!

[farfrmnormal]

Thanks for your reply - I don't believe I am forcing things due to wanting to be settled down. Through my counseling I have come to realize that me "settling" down was a feeling induced by MANY others around me getting married - I felt like it was something I HAD to do, and soon. After going through all of this I definitely feel I was jumping the gun - I should be able to handle emotional situations if I am going to be married.

My family issues were my grandfather being ill - those issues are no longer "issues" per say. My time was consumed by his illness - now I am overwhelmed.

[ConfusedandLost]

Everyone's timeline is different... that is what makes everyone of the billions of people on this planet unique. Don't feel you have to do something because everyone else around you is doing it or it is what "society wants"... its all about you and when you are ready. You will know... it will come to you... be patient.

One thing that I have learned about family... they are always there for you no matter what. Lean on them a little bit to relieve yourself somewhat. I'm sure that they see you being overwhelmed and are just waiting for you to lean on them a bit. All will be fine... take it day by day, one step at a time...

[farfrmnormal]

I was afraid to lean on them during the time my grandfather was in the hospital - I felt like they didn't need the added stress and neither did my grandfather. He didn't need to be worrying about me. My mom has voiced that my ex's timing was bad and that the family didn't need the added stress...

[farfrmnormal]

Why is no one responding to my topic?

[MissingHim2Much]

One thing that has not been answered is - how can someone say "I Love you so much and don't want to lose you" and not even 24hrs later end things - this is what confuses me.

On a side note, why are people viewing my question but not commenting?

Hi farfrmnormal, That seems to be one of the most asked questions on the site. My ex told me he couldn't ever imagine his life without me and even made love to me the day before he left me for another woman. He seemed so genuine and loving I would've never guessed he was planning to leave me. I still 2 months later go over and over that day in my head trying to see if their were any signs he wasn't being honest but I can't find any.

[farfrmnormal]

I get these feelings of nervousness sometimes throughout the day - almost as if he is going to call and then doesn't. I don't know...

[farfrmnormal]

Any new comments?

[hpallister]

Did you live with your boyfriend?

[farfrmnormal]

No, we never lived together, however; we do have some mutual possessions that we acquired when we had planned to move in together.

Right now, this proverb is what gets me through the day:

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect."

On a side note I am on day 4 of NC - I am curious, should I be the one to break the silence and say I can't wait any longer and move on or should I wait until the date we set for next week to talk?