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Daniel7 · Sep 17, 2007, 04:42 PM

This isn't to do with adult sexuality but I couldn't find a place to post this so I'm sorry. I am a pre-op transsexual - female to male (ftm). I have always been more of a boy from a baby and have hated my body and girly things. I've always been more attracted to boys clothes, toys etc and the 1st time I remember feeling and wanting to be a boy was when I was around 5/6 yrs old and wishing all the time. I felt deformed. These feelings weren't forced and have gotten stronger as I've gotten older. I was badly bullied from around age 6/7 to 17 when I left college, for not being like all the girls. I became the girl they saw on the outside and wanted me to be to stop being bullied and to stop my family asking me stuff. Basically I have 'come out' to my counsellor and my mum and dad a few weeks ago. No one else knows yet. It has only been a few weeks but my mum thinks I'm weird and that ivebeen brainwashed and that its not natural. And my dad thinks I'm a loony. They won't talk to me about it. And since knowing they have barely spoken to me at all or anything. Its really weird around them. I didn't tell them for support because I am still going to go through with full transition but I wanted them to know because I love them and want them to know the real me. My mum just thinks I'm a tom boy who is a lesbian. And has told me my dad will probably never talk to me again. That's it basically, keeping it short. Can anyone offer me any suggestions? I've tried to show them that I'm happy and that it's the me they've always known and all but I don't want to keep doing it to annoy them kind of thing so I have just left it now. But I really don't want to be rejected by them, my dad especially as we have always been so close. I'm really depressed right now.
Thanks

Wondergirl · Sep 17, 2007, 04:55 PM

The two people who produced a daughter, diapered her, and potty trained her see only your femaleness. You do have to give them that. Did they know about all the problems you have had growing up?

Your parents need an education about what it means to be assigned the wrong gender and what the wrongly-assigned can do about it. Is there a doctor or counselor or social worker who knows what's going on with you hormonally, emotionally, and physically who could step in and meet with you and your parents? If not, is there some way you can educate your parents about this? Acceptance is still down the road, but it's possible once your parents understand what happened.

Daniel7 · Sep 17, 2007, 05:07 PM

Yeah I fully understand their confusion, pain, frustration etc. I understand they see me as their daughter but inside I'm male and that's who they've always known. They're not losing me. I'm just going to be different on the outside and I know I will be happier and a much better person in the end. Well they don't want to talk to anyone else. My mum did read some info about being trans but she wasn't really interested and said it was no help. I know they need time but I am 19 now, I have my own life and decisions to make. Do I wait for them to come round or do I get on with my life? Yeah they knew I was being bullied and were supportive, they were the people who watched me 24/7 after id tried to kill myself and they were the people who constantly got me counsellors. So I know they love me. I know they say time is a healer but I don't have the time with this, its important to transition early and its important for me to carry on with my life. I just don't wnt to hurt or lose them in the process. I may not be able to have both though. I have a counsellor right now and am being referred to a gender therapist.

GlindaofOz · Sep 17, 2007, 05:15 PM

I would imagine it will take time for them to understand. Not everyone "gets" what you are going through or understands that it is a very real medical condition. I think the best you can do is try to help educate them on what you are going through. I think once they see this isn't some "brainwashing" or "new fad" and that this is who there child who they love is they will come around.

You should feel good that you are taking this necessary steps. I've written papers on transsexualism (I studied sociology in school) and I could not imagine how painful it is to feel how transsexuals feel everyday until their sex is reassigned.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you are very successful with your transition.

nkychic · Sep 17, 2007, 05:24 PM

Parents love their children, period, end of discussion. Sometimes it's hard for them to over come changes a child (and you are still a child in their eyes) makes, especially the ones this life changing. I'm not going to say whether I feel you are right or wrong in the decisions you make, because one thing that is absolutely for sure is that you ARE at an age where you can make these decisions for yourself. You have to understand that they are probably "blaming" themselves for what you are doing. They are probably wondering what they did wrong. Why the beautiful baby girl they gave birth to 19 years ago wants to change everything about herself. That's not how it is, but that's how a person with no understanding is viewing this. Imagine right now, your mom comes to you and says she is going to get an operation to change herself into a male. This would be confusing even for you (and you know how it feels). Do what you have to do, your parents are going to love you know matter what. Love can't just be flipped with a switch, especially love for a child. But be warned, it will probably take them a long time to get that relationship back. It's almost as if they are losing their daughter.

Wondergirl · Sep 17, 2007, 05:28 PM

Your mother said the information she read was "no help". Then find her some information that IS helpful and easy for her to understand.

It sounds like they have been on your side your whole life. As a mom, I can't believe they will desert you now. Even my "black-or-white" parents said they would not accept a divorced person in the family, but my sister ended up divorced when three months' pregnant and one of my brothers married a divorced woman with two little kids. My parents survived. In fact, they accepted the situations a lot faster than anyone had thought they would.

More power to you, Daniel!

GlindaofOz · Sep 17, 2007, 05:31 PM

Is there a support group in the UK for LBGT? In the US we have PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) that helps parents understand what's going on with their kids. It might be helpful for your parents to meet other parents who have gone through transitioning with their son or daughter.

Do you think that they would be open to that?