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bummedout4 · Sep 16, 2007, 06:00 PM

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a little over 4 years now. We met when we were 18 we're now 22 yrs old. We have seen each other a lot over the course of our relationship at least 4-5 days a week and did everything together. Everything was fine but lately she has been saying that she feels different and said she wanted to take a break to figure things out and to be happy. She was starting to feel unhappy because we didn't really go out a lot on the wkends, not because we didn't want to, but just tired sometimes and ended up staying home. I have a feeling that she may be a little bored with our relationship and I understand and want to change. We have had these conversations before but things would change and then go back to normal. She says she still loves me but is not "in love" as much as she was in the beginning. It has been almost a week since she said she wanted a break. I have been pretty shocked and devastated, telling her how much I love her and how much she means to me. She has been going out wth her friends a lot, a lot more then when we were together. I have read that I shouldn't contact her but it is really hard because we have had troubles before and talked them out and remained together. I don't want to lose her and do not want to push her away during this time. I just want to be with her, and love her. She knows how I feel about her and I don't know what she is thinking in her head. She says that she isn't ready to see me yet but she will let me know. We talk on the phone every once in a while , but it is hard for me not to call her or text her. I don't have a lot of close friends to go out with, they are either up in school still or have gf's of their own. At work I don't work with any people my age to hang out. She was my everything and I don't want to lose her, should I keep fighting or just hold off for a while? Thanks for any help and advice.

ilovcali · Sep 16, 2007, 06:16 PM

Some of this maybe harsh. How come she has friends and you don't? You made the mistake of making someone else your whole life. That is awful. That is also probably a reason why she got bored with the relationship. She may have realized that she had plenty to do without you, but you don't have much to do without her.

You have to leave her alone and GROW ON YOUR OWN. EVEN if she wants to come back, you have to have some balance in your life. She is fine without you because she HAS MANY OTHER THINGS TO DO. You should too. Even if you have no friends, you have the opportunity now to make them.

If you don't want to be around with other people too much because of your emotional state, GO FOR A WALK, OR A DRIVE, GO TO THE GYM. STAY BUSY. She is too busy to think about you. It's time you became busy enough to forget about her.

I hope she does come back to you. BUT STOP TALKING, CALLING, TEXTING. Don't do this to win her back. Do it to get yourself a BALANCED LIFE. ANOTHER PERSON SHOULD NEVER BE YOUR LIFE!! EVER.

Good luck. DON'T CALL HER. GO OUT. START YOUR LIFE WITHOUT HER ASAP.

--Cali

Marmalade324 · Sep 16, 2007, 07:42 PM

Well "ilovecali" was right about those things. Having friends is very important when in a relationship, especially a long term relationship. I can relate to your former girlfriend, my boyfriend doesn't have any friends and I have tons, it isn't good to have your life evolve around her, it is ANNOYING. I think you should stop calling her, let her call you. I understand that she needs a break, breaks are also very important. I am not trying to be mean, but this is important, no matter how much you feel like she is slipping away, she just needs time. YOU WILL LOSE HER FOR GOOD IF YOU KEEP BUGGING HER.

Well OK. Give it a little longer, a few weeks, maybe a couple of months and if she doesn't at least want to be your friend then she is NOT worth it. Remember that, SHE IS NOT WORTH IT, and it will make it easier for you to move on.

I hope this helped.

Good luck!

bummedout4 · Sep 17, 2007, 05:57 AM

Well an update to the situation. Last night we talked and I told her everything I am feeling. I just wanted her to know how I felt and what I wanted. We talked and I feel better but she says its only been a week and she needs more time. She says we can still talk but she will let me know when she is ready to see me and possibly try to be together again. Is this good news? I mean I feel a little better that she is not shutting me out of her life and I am still holding out hope that things will work out in the end. I just don't know how long she means, its hard to just keep wondering when the time will be right. I don't expect her to change her feelings right away and I just want to start fresh, take her out to dinner, on dates like we use to when we first began our relationship. Any opinions ? Oh and I do have friends, just haven't hung out with them as much since we been together. She doesn't have a lot of friends either, just 1 or 2 close ones that happen to know a lot of people.

Marmalade324 · Sep 17, 2007, 06:06 AM

Well, I am happy that she wants to stay in touch, however she was right when she said that a week wasn't long enough. This sort of thing takes time, lot and lots of time. Going on dates might be a little much for now, you might want to wait a couple of months like I said in my previous opinion. You do not want to go on dates with her if you think that it will hurt you in the long run. I know it was hard for me to date somebody I loved that didn't feel the same for me. You don't want to get your hopes up.

Also, she shouldn't be the only one you date, meet other girls around your age, make new friends. You don't want her to think that you are drooling all over her, at least not until you know that she feels the same for you.

I hope this helped.

bummedout4 · Sep 17, 2007, 06:49 AM

Thanks for the advice and help. My g/f is a really emotional person and she lets things such as school and work really get to her. She is in her last semester of college and has a full load of hard classes. I went through that and understand. I know she still loves me so I just want her to have time and miss me and want me to be in her life. I know there's not much I can do but its hard to think about. We have had problems like this before but never for this long, that's why its so hard on me. I keep thinking to the other times where we talked and things got worked out. Its hard for me not to call her since I am so use to talking to her a few times a day. Is there hope for us? I just want to hear that this has happened and people have gotten back together and had a stronger relationship.

bummedout4 · Sep 17, 2007, 12:35 PM

To add to above, I really want to do something special for her that will really make her understand how much I want this to work and that I'm sorry for whatever I have done to lead to this. Is this a good idea? How long should I wait before even attempting this? I know that I should probably wait until she feels comfortable to see me but after that how long? I feel like I have to fight for her, because if I don't we may grow farther and farther apart? I know this is probably not recommended but I can't sit by for weeks and weeks doing nothing. Any opinions? These things are going through my head and seem like a good idea, what do you all think?

ilovcali · Sep 17, 2007, 01:27 PM

LEAVE HER ALONE!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE HER ALONE! You keep this up, you'll destroy any shot you have to be with her.

STOP TALKING TO HER. The more you try now, the farther you'll push her away. She's not stupid. She knows you think she's special. You did date her for 4 years didn't you? Why would you date someone 4 years if you didn't think she was special?

Life is not a movie. YOU DON'T STAND UNDER HER WINDOW LIKE ROMEO, YOU DON'T WRITE HER POETRY, YOU DON'T KEEP TELLING HER SHE'S SPECIAL. Not if you EVER WANT HER BACK in your situation.

I assume she dated you because she thought you were a cool guy? You think some puppy dog, desperate sounding, pathetic guy is going to attract her? NO! What is more attractive is a guy who can live his life WITHOUT HER.

SHOW HER YOU DON'T NEED HER BUT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE HER. Does that make sense? Show her you DON'T NEED her, but you DO WANT HER. There is a difference between the two.

The only way you do that is move on. STOP TALKING TO HER, DON'T CALL HER, DON'T TEXT HER. ACT LIKE A MAN.

You may lose her but you'll be a much stronger person which is GOOD in the long run. But doing this puppy dog stuff NOW will NOT WIN HER BACK.

LEAVE HER ALONE. GET YOURSELF A BALANCED LIFE. That's more important that any girl.

--Cali

bummedout4 · Sep 17, 2007, 01:31 PM

Thanks for the advice, I will try my best to follow it because I do want her back and not push her away. What if time passes and she hasn't called me? I know I will find myself wondering what she is doing, if she is missing me and all that stuff. I know I will have the weakness to want to call her, to know if she really has moved on or if she is still "thinking" things through.

ilovcali · Sep 17, 2007, 03:26 PM

>> what if time passes and she hasn't called me?

Then you know the answer as much as it sucks. DO NOT CALL HER. If she wants to be with you, she won't make it so hard. And if you have the moment of weakness, remember that it is NASTY TO JUST DUMP someone like she DUMPED YOU. That is not a nice thing to do. That should make you angry. Why would you care what someone who MISTREATED you is up to?

She made a SELFISH decision to leave you to find herself. It is not wrong on her part to THINK FOR HERSELF and her happiness. But now you have to THINK ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS. Pining after her WILL NOT make you happy. Being happy with yourself, WITHOUT HER, will make you HAPPY. Strive towards that.

Also remember, SHE IS NOT THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD. There will be more in your life that come and go unless you are one of the lucky few who finds your "one" without a hitch.

STAY STRONG WITHOUT HER!

--Cali

bummedout4 · Sep 17, 2007, 05:32 PM

OK well I have a semi-update with some promising news, maybe. I have been talking to her brother, w/out her knowledge of course, and he says just let her have some space and she will come back to you. He knows she still cares about me and loves me. She just wants some space to think and be by herself, we have been together almost all the time for 4 yrs. So I mean I am not by any means changing my strategy, just optimistic that things will eventually work out.

nkychic · Sep 17, 2007, 08:23 PM

I'm glad you have decided to respect her wishes and give her the space she needs. Keep doing that. Don't spend the time apart wondering what she is going to say or do, do not use the time to bug her about working things out. Use this time to make a better person of yourself. Use this time to become the man that she (or whoever the future woman might be) needs and wants in there life. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure everything will work out for you in the end (although sometimes the better outcome is one which we do not expect).

bummedout4 · Sep 18, 2007, 06:09 AM

Well I am back again because I am feeling extra crappy this morning. I had a moment of weakness and looked at her Facebook page and saw some pics from this past weekend with her some of her friends. I also saw some guy that I never seen before, and they were taking pics together and stuff. I then got my cell phone bill, since we shared a plan, and I saw a new # that she has been talking to and messaging a lot just recently. I have a feeling its this guy from the picture. I mean they aren't talking for hours or for long at a time but a lot of texts and stuff. I am feeling extra crappy about this, I don't know if this is just a friend or someone she likes. Its hard because we been together 4 yrs, and for her to switch so fast is just hard to understand and cope with. I hope I am over-reacting but it feels horrible. I really just want to meet with her and get everything out and want her to be honest with me about everything and if she is interested in someone else. I know this is not right, but I feel like not talking to her or making contact will only lead her more and more into someone else's arms.

ilovcali · Sep 18, 2007, 08:10 AM

You have to follow your path. I think everyone has told you what you SHOULD DO. But you aren't listening. The path you are taking will only lead to a lot more pain, and push your ex farther into someone's arms. Anyway, clearly this is your first serious break-up. So maybe you do need to go on your own path and find the results. Hopefully you do learn though should this happen again.

Good luck to you.

--Cali

bummedout4 · Sep 18, 2007, 08:16 AM

Thanks for the advice again... I felt so much like crap that I left work early today, I just feel terrible. I was weak in that moment and I called her. We talked for a little while and then I just began babbling about my feelings again. At first we were talking but then I could tell she was getting mad about it. So I stopped and told her that I didn't mean to. She basically told me that she wants to be able to talk to me as a friend and has not forgotten about me. She just wants to hang out with different people and be true to herself. This is devastating news for me, I mean I was hoping she would take some space and come back to me eventually. I know its only been a week and this could still happen in the future? Its just hard for me to accept that its over. I just want the chance to prove to her that I deserve her and that's she's wrong, but she is not ready now to give me that chance. I fell like crap, this sucks and I can't believe it. I am officially a mess.

talaniman · Sep 18, 2007, 08:52 AM

I fell like crap, this sucks and I can't believe it. I am officially a mess.

And you will stay that way until you get a life. You have thanked everyone for their advice and have followed none of it. Your bad!! You have put so much into this female that you have nothing now that she is gone, not healthy at all. We have all made that mistake and the reality is you must accept that that part of your life is over and get busy rebuilding a life that your happy with. Your mistake is instead of correcting what you've done wrong you are choosing to wallow in self pity, that won't bring you anything but more misery. Do you really think she will comeback to someone who is that pitiful? Do you not see how unattractive you have allowed yourself to become in her eyes? No wonder she left. Get off your butt and get your act together. Start now with learning to like yourself and figure how to be happy with yourself and leave the poor girl alone and focus on you.

want the chance to prove to her that I deserve her and that's she's wrong, but she is not ready now to give me that chance.

You have done nothing to deserve a chance and never will until you can focus on you, not her. A female wants a happy man who can stand on his own, and that ain't what your doing. Give yourself a chance, and get yourself a happy, healthy life. New friends, new attitude, and a new outlook.

bummedout4 · Sep 18, 2007, 09:13 AM

I know, I totally agree with what you say. Just coming to grips with the reality of the situation is harder than I ever thought. Hopefully after today, I can start on the right track.

bummedout4 · Sep 18, 2007, 12:54 PM

Well another update to my situation... I met her today after she finished school and we talked about everything. It made me feel a lot better to see her and to see that she truly was affected by all this as well. It seems that she just wants some time for herself, not worrying about the pressures that come with being in a relationship for now. She has been in relationships pretty much since middle of high school. She still loves me and cares for me just needs time to figure herself out and to be alone for a while. There is no guarantee we will get back together but I am confident that we will, because I think we are meant to be and we both truly care for one another. For now, we will talk every once in a while, she still wants to see how I am doing and what's going on in my life. I appreciate that and feel better having talked to her and putting everything out in the open. Hopefully over time we will grow and come back to each other. For now, however I am just going to do whatever I want, play golf, work out, and hang with other people. Wish me luck, that I am able to get through this and eventually me and my love will be back together. Thanks for everyone's help and advice through this hard time.

bummedout4 · Sep 19, 2007, 10:49 AM

Well today I am feeling a little better, but I have a feeling that it totally hasn't set in yet. I just want to know if I am wrong for hoping that this works out in the end? I mean I know she will be doing her thing and wants to take things slow but I mean I know eventually I am going to want to see her again, ask her on a date to see if there is truly anything left. We don't hate each other or want to close the book on "us" so its hard for me to accept that we are truly over for good. Do you guys believe if people are meant to be together, eventually they will?

ilovcali · Sep 19, 2007, 11:01 AM

>>want to close the book on "us"

She DOES, you DON'T. No it hasn't sunk in yet. You're doing what people usually. Rather than accept loss and confront the pain, you're still in denial and will actually PROLONG your pain.

And I am willing to bet for now, the only reason she has not cut you off completely is because she's BEING NICE. Being nice DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

This will take you months to "get over". But it will take less time if you follow the advice people have been giving you. You're trying to force the issue with her. She may not hate you now, but unless you begin to man up and stop entertaing any FALSE HOPE she will really not like you.

Find something to do. She won't be out of your mind, but at least you'll be active. That will help you get over her. DO NOT CALL HER FOR AT LEAST 3 MONTHS!! 3 MONTHS. Let her call you and only call back after 3-4 times. YES, it is now a game. SHE LEFT YOU. Now don't LET HER WALK ALL OVER you. I think you will though.

Good luck.

--Cali