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Jiser · Sep 19, 2007, 11:28 AM

HEEEEY! Everyone has given you good advise - Take heed. Ill probably repeat it here. Trust me a lot of us have been in similar situations and life does get so much easier, specially with no contact. Every day is better in NC. What you have to do right now is let go. If you don't, your going to suffer emotionally and eventually physically.

You must be strong and no longer contact this person or anything to do with her. You must block her from your life completely, although so hard - its for your benefit. Yes it sux to see or know she's with other guys, but that's what she maybe wants. She's confused. Have some respect for yourself, she doesn't want you and is obviously having mixed feelings.

Looking back over my past experiances being in the other position. The more clingy and suggestive the person was towards me the further I ran or withdrew. Honestly, ignorance is really bliss. What you don't know can't hurt you. Its not going to be easy to move on with your life but from it your become a stronger and wiser person with or without her.

talaniman · Sep 19, 2007, 12:46 PM

The good news is we have all been in your shoes, and really do support you because we all know how hard of a time you are having. It can't be fun at this point.
The bad news, this is something you must do for yourself. Its darned hard, but the sooner you focus on you and not her, the sooner the healing can begin. You can do this.

bummedout4 · Sep 19, 2007, 12:59 PM

Do you all believe that if we are meant to be together that things will work out? I mean if I let go and do NC , that is going to be on my mind a lot. I am just feeling that if I don't talk to her every once in a while that she will truly forget about me. I know what you all are saying and it sounds good, its just hard to do after so long.

ilovcali · Sep 19, 2007, 01:04 PM

>>do you all believe that if we are meant to be together that things will work out?

They kind of have to don't they? I'll tell you I do believe that things happen for a reason, and anything is possible. But you HAVE TO MOVE ON. Look at the thread about "loved one's coming back". Read Jiser's post.

It took YEARS for ex's to get back together. In the mean time, they went on and lived their own lives, even dated other folks. So anything can happen.

But don't CLING to the hope you'll be back together. Live your life without her. Like Tal said, we all have been there and it DOES SUCK. But it's life, you have to accept the good with the bad and continue on.

It's time for you to MOVE FORWARD. GET BUSY.

--Cali

bummedout4 · Sep 19, 2007, 01:08 PM

Thank you all for the advice and support. I was doing pretty well today until the past half hour and I began to get emotional and think of things. Well I am going to try and be strong and move on with my life, even though I know it will not be easy at all.

talaniman · Sep 19, 2007, 01:12 PM

do you all believe that if we are meant to be together that things will work out?

YES I do, but all the evidence shows that is not what she wants, so it is important for you to accept what she feels and let it go and get your own life without her. You can't force anyone to want what you do. If you were mean't to be together now you would be, but your NOT!

bummedout4 · Sep 19, 2007, 06:40 PM

Well everyone, thank you all for your support... I have really come to the realization that things happen for a reason and that if we are meant to be we will. We both have to grow and mature so that if we do end up back together sometime, it will really last and be what we want. Hopefully everything will work out and if not, better things will come. I know I have been stubborn with your advice but I really take it to heart and it has helped me through this unknown and difficult time. I will keep you all updated and hopefully one day I can give others advice that was given to me and worked for me. Wish me luck trying to move on in my life and that things work out for the best. Thanks!

mckenzie134 · Sep 19, 2007, 08:23 PM

I hope you listen and take the advice given, DO NOT contact her under any circumstances. She will not forget you and if she does the she was never coming back anyway,

Most common mistake made here during a break up is Under valuing yourself worrying about weather they will forget aboiut you.

After a long relationship if you treated them well they do not forget memories are not automatically wiped, tghere will be days when she thinks of you and maay even contct you. This does not mean she wants you back it may just be her way of keeping the door open.

If you truly want to know if you are to be together WALK away and ansewer no calls leave her out of your life,

For the more quick you start living life without her the more quick she will realise weather she wants to be part of your life... SIMPLE!! You will have you answer then!!

bummedout4 · Sep 20, 2007, 01:20 PM

Hi everyone, today I have been feeling a little better but it has been on my mind all day. I keep telling myself to follow your advice and info but its hard. I really don't want the relationship back , I just want her back and a chance to start fresh, because we really did complement each other well and worked well together. I find it hard to start to move on w/out her but I know this is the correct path for now. I just keep hoping that she will call me and realize she made a mistake, but its probably been too soon for this anyway. I JUST want to PROVE her wrong, and prove to her that she made the WRONG decision. I know I am probably going to have to see her in the near future to square away our cell phone bill and change the plan, we had a joint plan. I don't know how that is going to feel whenver that happens. I just want her to realize that I am special, she knew I was special obviously being with me for 4 years and that she still sees me as someone in her future. Well anyway, I have been on this site all day at work reading other people's stories just to have hope that things work out. I wanted to ask your opinion on another issue, her birthday will be in early November and I don't know if it will be too soon, but I maybe might want to ask her for dinner to talk and see where we stand at that point or just to see how it feels for both of us. I know thinking about this isn't allowing me to move on, but I don't think I am ready to move on yet, I know I should but my hope is consuming me for now. I am not going to call her but I know I will probably talk to her between now and then. I know all of your advice and help is right, its just so hard to actually do it. Thanks again

ilovcali · Sep 20, 2007, 02:07 PM

I feel for you man. We've all been there, hoping, romanticising. Well, that's perfectly normal. Happens to us all. DON'T ACT on your feelings though. Right now, your own brain is malfunctioning when it comes to your ex. You're not letting the rational thoughts stay because you keep replacing them with the stuff you HOPE happens.

Anyway, like I said, anything IS POSSIBLE. But DON'T FORCE THE ISSUE. Don't initiate any contact with her. NONE. And by November, if she hasn't bothered to contact you, LET IT GO. And you KEEP SO BUSY in the meantime, that you force your brain to think about other stuff.

Good luck. MOVE FORWARD. We're all with you on it. We know it's tough.

--Cali

bummedout4 · Sep 20, 2007, 02:14 PM

Thanks for the encouragment, I am pretty sure that if I don't call her, she will call me, at least some days. She told me she wants to keep in touch, so let's see if she means it. If she has contacted me by November a few times and we have talked, do I try to do something then? Or try to talk to her about where we stand? Or just maybe take her out with no expectations? I don't want to push her away by any means but I do want to know eventually if she sees us getting back together or trying at least. We are not on bad terms and she even said she is not doing this because I treated her bad or anything like that and that she doesn't want to lose the 4 years we spent together. To me this seems like there is some hope but my vision and feelings may be skewed by my emotional state right now.

ilovcali · Sep 20, 2007, 02:26 PM

Well, she dumped you. If she wants to be with you, LET HER CHASE YOU! You stay cool. Never talk about the break-up. NEVER tell her she's special. NEVER tell her you miss her. You're COOL, BUSY, HAVE A MILLION THINGS going on.

So start with that. Actually find a MILLION THINGS TO DO. After my worst break-up I just worked. I worked all the time. I'm a grad student, so I just focused on my work. It paid way more dividends than thinking of the girl and I did think of her, but while I was being productive. And I NEVER CALLED HER, NOT ONCE. She didn't call either.

Honestly, if she really wants to be with you again, it'll START when she realizes that you ARE LVING YOUR LIFE with or without her. Remember, she's was just a part, maybe a big part, but only a part of your life.

PLAY SPORTS, PLAY POKER, WORK MORE HOURS, HIT THE GYM. All that time you spent on her is now free time. Get busy filling the free time.

And LET HER CHASE YOU! Don't EVER CHASE this girl AGAIN. That's the only way I think. And who knows, while you do all this other stuff, maybe some other cute chick begins to wonder who that BUSY GUY is. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

--Cali

bummedout4 · Sep 20, 2007, 07:21 PM

Well today I went out with some friends just to hang out and I felt better at first. We were having fun and stuff but as time went on I began to miss my exgf. I just realized how long it has been since I was out without her and I just missed her being there with me. It was hard to have fun after that because I felt like crap. I know she was probably out too and it just took it out of me. I want to hope that she misses me too, but I don't know. I am starting to really see how hard this is going to be and I don't know if I can handle it and stick to the NC and everything. I really don't know if I am strong enough to do this.

star3114 · Sep 20, 2007, 08:02 PM

Have you ever heard the saying "If you love something let it free, if it comes back..it was meant to be?" Take heart. You can't make someone love you. Just keep your time occupied... it will help ease the main. Also, focus on the things she did that you hated or that annoyed you. After a month or so, you will feel better. Just keep busy... and not by thinking about her.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 20, 2007, 08:08 PM

Originally Posted by bummedout4

thanks for the encouragment, I am pretty sure that if i don't call her, she will call me, at least some days. She told me she wants to keep in touch, so let's see if she means it. If she has contacted me by November a few times and we have talked, do i try to do something then? or try to talk to her about where we stand? or just maybe take her out with no expectations? I don't want to push her away by any means but I do want to know eventually if she sees us getting back together or trying at least. we are not on bad terms and she even said she is not doing this b/c i treated her bad or anything like that and that she doesn't want to lose the 4 years we spent together. To me this seems like there is some hope but my vision and feelings may be skewed by my emotional state right now.

Buddy if she has nor contacted you by November, I would say she is long gone.
She has said it's not because you have treated her bad, she just wants out. People don't always break up on bad terms. She is gone.

bummedout4 · Sep 20, 2007, 08:12 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Buddy if she has nor contacted you by November, I would say she is long gone.
She has said it's not because you have treated her bad, she just wants out. People don't always break up on bad terms. She is gone.

Yeah I know that if I don't talk to her by then its most likely done. I am pretty confident that we will talk before then so I am not so much worried about that. I am just hoping that she misses me and eventually realizes that she wants me in her life.

bummedout4 · Sep 20, 2007, 08:14 PM

Originally Posted by star3114

Have you ever heard the saying "If you love something let it free, if it comes back..it was meant to be?" Take heart. You can't make someone love you. Just keep your time occupied...it will help ease the main. Also, focus on the things she did that you hated or that annoyed you. After a month or so, you will feel better. Just keep busy...and not by thinking about her.

Thanks for the response, I have heard of the saying but these sayings, easy to read and understand, are hard to believe when its happening to you. I hope I start feeling better because I don't know how much longer of feeling like this I can handle.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 20, 2007, 08:18 PM

Originally Posted by bummedout4

yeah i know that if i dont talk to her by then its most likely done. I am pretty confident that we will talk before then so i am not so much worried about that. I am just hoping that she misses me and eventually realizes that she wants me in her life.

And she may miss you, but that does not mean she wants to get back with you. She has told you what she wants and you don't want to accept it.

bummedout4 · Sep 20, 2007, 08:25 PM

Yeah you are right, I don't want to accept it. I don't think anyone would want to accept that the person you have loved and been with for 4 years doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now even though they say they do still love you and care about you. Its hard to take and it a blow to my self-esteem and self image. It makes me feel like something happened where she felt I wasn't good enough or something. I think she does miss me at times and from my point of view I don't see why we can't be together. I guess it will just take time to see what happens and to make me feel better. I want to believe that the hope I feel inside isn't false hope but who knows. Everyone keeps telling me that if its meant to be it will be. I just wish I knew for sure. I just hope that when I look back at this time in my life, in the future, that I see that it made me stronger and was worth the pain. If that means getting back with her that would be great or maybe something better will come along. The unknown is just very scary for me right now.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 20, 2007, 08:44 PM

Yeah, that is kind of how life is. You don't always know for sure how things will turn out. That is when you have to sit down add things up and then say, "this is not what I want, but it looks like this is the way it's going to be." You take a deep breath and then move on.
People can and do grow out of each other, especially when you are young. You grow, mature and change. This is why I don't advocate marriage for really young people. You can be in love with a person and as you grow and mature your interest change, what you want out of life changes and the person you love may not be the person you want to build a future with. In situations like this people get hurt, but in the long run, things work out for the best.
I'm sure this will be the case for you. Things will work out for the best.