[underthegun]

This is my first post, so hopefully this all pans out alright- I'm really thankful for a place like this to get some other perspectives on issues.

So, my girlfriend and me have dated for a steady 2 years & 7 months. I am her first true love, she being 21 and me, 25. I have had a couple other serious girlfriends in my past. I love her VERY much, and get along with her more than any other girl before, and we both had before said we could see being married to each other.

She just graduated college this past summer, and really doesn't know exactly what to do with her Photography degree. She has leaned on her parents and been spoon-fed through the school system her whole life, so feels quite lost right now. In the midst of all of this, I have been trying to support her and not over-weighing her with any personal demands of her time, etc. I'm uncertain as to why I seem to be getting tangled in this web of issues that seem to be everything but me, but alas...

The other day we were talking and she thinks we need a break. I replied that if this is what she thinks she ( or we ) need(s), then so be it. (I remained strong and steadfast, not feeling the pain yet). Anyways, it got to the point of me asking what the terms of this 'break' were. (Her head is all over the friggin place right now, and she has no idea how we should deal with this, so I tried to guide us through it a bit). After I asked if this break means that we could or could not see other people, she ended up crying and we agreed that we would both think a bit about it and talk again.

I am wondering what is best to suggest at this point. It obviously pains me much to picture the possibility of her with another man, but maybe she needs this? On the other hand, we could just say ' no contact with each other, but we won't get physical with anybody else' as well. I obviously prefer the 2nd option, but I'm weighing out appearing to be strong & independent on my own VS letting her know that I still love her and want to be together.... ADVICE?? Thanks in advance!

[cerulean]

Well I was 21 and I know all about it. Lol I just wish I had gotten as far as she did by that age. A degree in anything is better than nothing.

Lets put it this way, from my YEARS OF ENDLESS EXPERIENCE lol, that occurred after my younger years of intellectual observation and persisting in believing that you didn't "need the experience to understand"...

She's a baby, and she is supposed to be sowing her wild oats, not getting involved in a relationship.

That's what she wants to do. She is curious, and rightly so. She is so guilty because she loves you and doesn't want to hurt you. Its tearing her up inside.

You can't have it all though, unless you decide to become polygamous and invite others into your "relationship".

That's all this is about.. the fact that her career is all over the place, she doesn't know what to do because she doesn't have one.. well that only adds to it. Makes the whole picture that MUCH MORE DEPRESSING.

Know what I mean Vern?

I am 40 now and Im at the point where I again feel I must sow my wild oats, which is exactly why I can't commit to anyone, until I do this. I am picky, so I feel many times as though Im at a standstill.. which is really deflating, disconcerting and can be depressive at times.

Yet, it happens.

[talaniman]

She just graduated college this past summer, and really doesn't know exactly what to do with her Photography degree.

I can understand her confusion, as leaving the school setting and looking at the world and deciding where, and how to fit in can be downright scary. She probably has never had a real job in her life, so there is nothing she can draw experience from as to being independent. I think the best you can do is talk and listen, as she works through the confusion, and reaches a decision on her own. It might not be the one you want, but I do feel like she has to succeed, or fail on her own, as she really can't see you supporting her failures. What kind of future is that, having failed to find who she is, and settling for you taking care of her? She is at a crossroad now, and the last thing she needs is the pressure of a relationship at the moment. You are wise to define this break, try not to prolong the agony. I think she needs time, and space to make up her mind. Make sure she knows how far you will go on her behalf, but in the end its her choice.

[s_cianci]

I think no contact is a good idea. However, I wouldn't limit myself from seeing other women. In fact, I think it'd be a good idea for you to use the break to date other people. Let her realize that you can get by just fine without her. If her head is a screwed up as you suggest then she can't possibly be all that wonderful. See her for what she is ; don't see her for her potential. That's a common mistake, to fall in love with someone's potential. It's also the single biggest predecessor to heartbreak.

[Jiser]

Honest communication! These so called breaks.. they merely prolong the agony of breaking up in most cases.

Go NC if your having a break. Treat it as a split. Don't go date others, why? When you have just 'gotten out' of a relationship. You need time and space as well. Keep busy and work on yourself for now and go have some fun.

[underthegun]

Thanks for the suggestions guys ( and gals ).

I guess it just took some wise folks to let me in on the truth of it all.
Obviously I don't want to lose her, but I am also trying to be understanding of that fact that she is so young in her life...

Right now I am following through on the no-contact thing. Only day 3, but I'm trying to hold out the anxiousness. Is it selfish to want somebody so bad because you love them, and they aren't certain if they love you? If it is, it sure seems like a natural selfishness. I'm excercising myself control and should be OK, with whatever she decides.

I'll try an update you as it goes along, right now we've both agreed that we won't get physical with anyone else for a month or so, then we'll meet up again and discuss where we're at. I only suggested this non-physical thing because she's never broken up and been on the 'rebound' before, and I have and it makes the heartbreak that much worse when you realize how it all went down.

[stephenfry]

You MUST let here know you not only want her (easy stuff, of people who are 21), but that you also love and like her as a friend so that when she is thinking of coming back she is again coming back to afriend - or something along those lines !
Don't give up - ever ! - and I think a key thing is " not to let her out of your sight: - she must always know you are there in the situation and thinking about her...

Well I told you my story - I think you should mull on it a lot

I have now wiped it off the site because in fact it took liberty with the privacy of my friend - and her husband - who doesn't even know and hopefully won't get to know.. just to preserve his peace of mind too (since we are not going t oelope, why hurt him (Although he very severely hurt me 30 years ago - she would nt want him hurt now)

Gets very complicated. What works most and best is genuinly loving the other ( i.e. genuinely wanting what's best for them

No idea why I am writing so much - you cauht ,e at a fdramati moment in my own life! Lol
Let me know how it goes ! :-)

[underthegun]

Well, it is day 10 today. Last night she called me and we talked for an hour and half. First it was just casual, trying to catch up on what has been happening in each others' lives. Then, naturally it got heavier. With her asking how I was I replied "I'm doing well, had a good weekend, but I think about you too"... it went on like this.

Over the last week I have learned an awful lot about myself and how I interact with her and how I could improve. She brought out some issues that that we had, which she had never really made me aware of before... it was sad that it took so long for this honesty to hit my ears, I let her know that "all i want is honest communication, thats all I've ever needed'... I did let her know that I was still 'in love' with her, but reminded her that it takes 2, and if that other half isn't there, then thats just how it is and that we should move on. She says shes just really confused with life in general, and I said thats fine, I can stand on the sideline for a while longer.

Right now she is considering both:
1) getting more experience with guys in general, trying to weigh out what she likes/dislikes in guys, and also on the other hand-

2) why stop a good thing from happening, possibly risking a man whom she has loved wholeheartedly for the last 2 1/2 years until her life was put on pause by all these other BIG decisions.

She asked me if I ever wonder what it would be like to be with another woman, etc. I said - 'yes, i think everyone does, know matter if you've been in 1 or 100 relationships'. But I suppose some experience does help you 'form' your ideal mate... it would just suck if you realized that mate was one of your dates in the past, and that date has moved on with marriage, etc....

By the end of the conversation, we had some light laughter, and are going to continue this "break".


Any comments?

[statictable]

You sound more than level headed, you've grasped love for what it is and at the same time you are not thrown by her sense of being lost. Whatever experiences she may encounter it is best that it happens now rather than 10 years into a marriage. Don't fear she'll learn very fast about the real world and if you've moved on she will carry her loss to the grave. You're a good chap.

[stephenfry]

Sounds good. Talk for an hour and a half. I say it's a good one and you should keep it going. And also go on taking some initiative. People (female) like that..

[underthegun]

A long one here, thank in advance for your patience in reading and time... A lot can happen in 4 days!

Well, after 14 days, I said we had to talk and figure out what was going on. She picked me up in her car and we went out for a bite to eat ( I couldn't eat, I was too nervous, but she was fine ). I made light talk with her for most of the time, but then brought up where we were. We discussed, and I put the decision in her hands. She basically said the same thing as she had 2 weeks earlier, but that she was leaning towards breaking up. She thinks we should just be good friends for now. I tried not to show that I was hurting.

She suggested we ride bikes... a very awkward suggestion from my perspective, but I agreed. We rode bikes together, making small talk, it was good. I really wanted to make a possible final impression on what she would be missing when everything is said and done. She is VERY confused lately. I couldn't believe she was acting so casual about everything, not realizing at all what I was feeling. But I didn't want to give in and breakdown, yet. We went back to her house and just sat around for a bit. I was on a separate couch, she looking very pretty without being aware. I said I should go, I have to work earlier in the morning.

She drove me home in her car and on the way to my house I said, "well, I guess this is it, we're single now.... this single life is going to be weird seeing that we haven't been for 2 1/2 years." I was looking for a reaction. She kind of quivered just a bit, then I said 'goodbye' quite sincerely and stern, she kissed me on the cheek and I got out of the car and didn't look back.

The next day was hell. I didn't sleep at all that night (Thursday), so I called into work because I felt like . I got up at 9:30 and remembered that I still had kept her acoustic guitar for her and an extra key of hers at my house, so I texted her saying I'd come over. She didn't answer ( she was still sleeping ). I brought them over, sneeking into her house and putting them into her living room. I must've made just too much noise on my way out, because she came out of her house in her pajamas, but was surprisingly chipper. I said I just stopped by to drop her stuff off. I said that I had to go, that I have to begin getting over her, recovering. We texted back and forth for the day, talking a few times too. Crying, blah blah blah. She was VERY confused, as usual lately.

I love her so much, and she wants me to be around for her during right now, as she's trying to figure her life out. I said its not my fault that I got dragged into all of this, and that all I've wanted to do is support her and everything, but that I hurt too much to support her while she isn't 'in love' with me... that I need time.

I had a show to play that night (Friday) at a bar here. She said she's wanted to go for some time, that she wants to support me and everything. I went back and forth telling her 'no, you can't', 'yes, if you can'... It ended up with me saying 'if you honestly think we have a chance in the next couple months of getting back together, you may come, otherwise I'll consider it over for good... ' I don't know why I even made this suggestion, but alas..

She ended up coming. I was at first nervous as hell when I saw her. But I played a great show, everyone loved it. I packed up my gear and said 'hi, thanks for your support'. We didn't really say much, so I got up and sat at the guys' table for the rest of the night. She kept looking over, very sad and everything, it was damn-near impossible for me to not go over there. She left with her friends after a while, saying goodbye to me straight in the eyes. I tried not too look too hard at her and reluctantly said 'goodbye' to her.

At 1:15am that night I got a text message saying she 'just finished crying and doesn't know what's right' I've been studying these forums here, and supposedly NO CONTACT is the best way to go... so that's what I did. Saturday I went out, kept myself busy, and later at night got another text 'don't be mad at me, I just can't stop thinking about you, etc.' I didn't answer. I know she's going through a lot with her life, outside of me- and I feel terrible not being willing to be a shoulder for her, etc. but I will be so hurt if I am that shoulder, because I'm not getting what I need from her..?

WHAT TO DO!? I have a tiny hope that after she gets a job, and finds herself happy in this city, that we'll get back together, but I don't want her to feel like I don't care right now in her time of need!

OUCH!

[talaniman]

underthegun. You need to heal, and be her friend. She needs a friend, not a lover.

[underthegun]

Talaniman- I do realize that I need to heal and to move one..

I guess I am just asking/trying to understand what I need to do as a 'friend' like you say.
Because right now, being a 'friend' to her would be fake on my part, because I'm still in the more-than-friends state of mind. It seems like I should do the no contact thing first, so does this contradict your advice to me to be her friend?

Thanks!

[talaniman]

I guess I am just asking/trying to understand what I need to do as a 'friend' like you say.

As a friend you must leave her completely alone, and let her deal with the reality of her situation. To continue to be there, is only prolonging the misery, and pain, and confusion on both of your parts.

[underthegun]

Hey guys, this has been 5 days since the BIG confrontation/NO CONTACT started. My now ex has been texting/emailing/calling at least once per day since. Nothing crazy like "I want to come back", but just casual stuff. This is her first BIG relationship, first BIG breakup, first time shes' initiated it.

She was also to have her wisdom teeth pulled out today... and I was just wondering how big of a NO NO it is to send a little email or text saying 'hope the pulling went well' or something short and not-so-sweet like that... I've been doing really well not contacting her, etc. just wondering if 'surgery' crosses some certain boundary where you should at least think of them a bit..

[talaniman]

See this for what it is, an excuse to hear her voice, and stay in her life, and on her mind. Until you can shift that focus from her life, to yours, you invite confusion and false hope, to retard your own healing process to work for you.

[mckenzie134]

Stay silent until you get better.
In the mean time she may wake up and realise what she is losing and want you back. I f she does not you will be healing and well if she doesn't contact you to getb you back she nevr really wanted to stay with you anyway.

[underthegun]

Thanks for the encouragement guys.
Obviously its hard to not give any care to her, I just keep reminding myself of the fact that she trampled on my heart.

[btucker]

WAnts a break mean it is over. Walk away and find a healthy relationship.

[cerulean]

My advice is to date other WOMEN. So that you gain leverage & insight into this situation. Don't involve yourself into a relationship, just date other women. It will do wonders for yourself esteem, outlook on life and loosen up that dark cloud you have around you.

You really need to do this for yourself.. so that you can stop focusing on her!!

Date other women even if your hearts not in it... gain the distance and contemplation you need that isn't about mourning but about living.

Light dating others and being her friend will not only teach you what went wrong but also move you on so that you don't get "stuck" in the cycles of depression.

*years of experience* lol