[Stardini]

I live in MN, I have been raising my stepsons for about 11 years now. Their father has been an over the road truck driver from time to time. I was injured in 2001 after that everything seemed to go downhill. I tried to hide my pain as much as possible. I would stay in my room until they went to school and went to my room after supper, I had to sleep sitting up in a chair proping my head on a pillow on my lap, finally I could not walk and had surgery in 2002. Around 2003 things started going haywire. My oldest stepson of 15 started belittleing me, calling me names, telling me what he was going to do and when he was going to do it. He would throw temper tantrums, kick doors off the frames, break things, he even spit on my car. Of course everyone told me that it was a phase. I thought well, maybe I am over reacting. I had to spend more time on the youngest, he was ADHD and was having behavior problems in school, but I never really had to worry acedemically about the oldest because he was on the B honor roll all of the time, and his dad was so proud he put a bumper sticker on his truck. But his out of control behavior continued, and my husband was say what do you want me to do, beat him? So it continued on and on. His friends would come and go all hours of the day or night. I would find him drinking at home, his half brother kept hanging around and he was an alcoholic, and disrespectful to everyone and irresponsible, I asked my son to please not have anyone over and then there were more. I didn't know what to do.

Finally he was 18 and had a friend I did not approve of. His friend was spending every night at my house. I said he can't live here. My son's final words were f.*. You, I'm leavin' and he did. He came back the following night and tried taking my space heater out of the house and trying to get it back, he threw it on the floor and got in my face. I had to call the police and put a restraining order on him.

Finally things calmed down but he did not come back. He almost didn't graduate because he was screwing around. His mother did not come to his graduation, but there I was a proud mom who cried endlessly when I got home. I still had a party for him and bought him a class ring. He now went to San Diego to work for my sister and her husband because they own 3 businesses, and he wants to go to college there.

Now everyone is telling me oh, he was just breaking away... I say for 3 years and they never respond. To this day I am so angry when I hear his name or look at him. I don't know what to do, I don't know if I can ever forget... what should I do?

I have had no contact with him since he left, my husband talks to him all of the time. My husband lost his job shortly after and had to work for an old boss and we have been in a pinch with no medical. My youngest son is coming into his own and seems to be well. My health has not been good and I have been an emotional wreck but I do enjoy the peace and quiet around the home. I do feel sometimes like it is my fault, because everyone won't believe my side, they keep saying well he's the kid you're the adult... work it out. In my heart I have forgiven him but it still is very painful, especially around relatives.

[GlindaofOz]

Has your stepson had any contact with you since straightening up? I think that he without a doubt owes you some sort of explanation to his rowdy and dangerous behavior as a teenager.
Have you ever said anything to him about how awful he had been to you?

[shygrneyzs]

I doubt you can ever forget. But you can learn to forgive. It will be hard and you may well need to find someone, such as a counselor or a pastor, that you can talk to about your step son.

From what you said, you had no options available to you. Your husband was on the road and you were left with all the responsibilities. You were Mom and Dad for the majority of the time. I would dare say you were still the Dad when your husband came home. Plus you had your own health to take care of. You did what you knew how to do. I cannot see how you would have done much else differently. You had no back up! How did your husband expect you to discipline the boys?

It is good he is out of the home. You need that break. Is your husband still driving over the road? How is your youngest son doing? How is your own health? If you never wanted to allow the oldest one back in the home, I cannot see a problem with that. Unless he has undergone some growing up and can truly apologize for his behavior toeards you. You can love someone but not tolerate their actions.

I hope you are not feeling guilty about anything you did or could not do. You did your best with the best of your abilities. Parents can only be human. We are not all Dr. Phil or Dr. Keith Ablow or any such "expert." Your anger is justified but now you need to come to terms with it and learn to let it go. That is why I hope you find a good counselor to talk to. Someone who will listen without any judgements and allow you to let every emotion flow. Then help you pick up pieces and rearrange them so that you can be emotionally healthy. You deserve that, and much much more.

Take care.