[very upset person]

Happily married for 17 years with 2 minor children. Yesterday my wife, who has a temper, for no apparent reason just decided to have it out with my mom. The issue, not that it is important, is that she thought my mom was paying more attention to her other grandkids. While true, that fact is not important to me, and if my wife were not angry she would readily admit that it isn't important to her. And my own kids are very satisfied with the existing relationship with Grandparents. But still, Wife went off.

I was in the next room with my dad when I noticed the voices getting loud. I went in the room just in time to see my wife, whose voice was then LOUD getting very personal and nasty to my mom. I told my wife to CALM DOWN and my mom left the house in tears. My wife then went off on me because I didn't take her side in the argument.

Now wife has calmed down but she pretends nothing happened. If put to her, she would claim that she was right as to her opinion that my mom played favorites with my neices and nephews. She has no intention of apologizing. My mom won't talk to her and only cries. I am stuck in the middle. And I hate it.

I come from a very peaceful family. We NEVER have had arguments before. Certainly my mom didn't deserve the treatment she got. But if I push it further Wife may go nuclear on ME leaving the kids holding the short end of it. In short, we are all suffering because of her temper.

I already know there is no solution. The clock can't be unwound. But I just had to get this off my chest.

[justjamestx]

Touchy subject. Just a guess that this is not the first time that you stand up for you mom before your wife's take her side. The problem is that even in the post you blame your wife for her anger and acknowledge your mom's error. To you (and even perhaps your wife) the favoritism towards the niece and nephews may not be a big deal, but the problem here seems to lie with far more than a single event. Reflecting back to see what the problem was on a single event, is not really a good idea, but rather reflect back over many years and see where your loyalty has been. Your wife needs to feel that she comes before your mom, and yet you have shown her otherwise.

Best of Luck!

[letmeno]

Oh but there is a solution, it's called counseling. It can be marriage counseling, or family counseling or one on one counseling, or even anger management classes.
You and your wife took vows for better or for worse, it could be a lot worse, but this is pretty bad. I don't think that your shoes would be too comfortable to stand in right now.
Until your wife is willing to admit that there may be something going on with her, getting her to agree to any type of counseling would most likely start WWIII. If it is possible, try and get her in the most calmest state possible and slowly introduce this to her, or maybe get someone that is closer to her to help you do it. I hope this helps

[rkim291968]

I already know there is no solution. The clock can't be unwound. But I just had to get this off my chest.

Ok, I am glad you did. Good luck to you.

(Stop reading NOW if you don't want to hear my ranting about the situation you described.

No one can treat everyone equally. And if you do, you are a robot. Even if you can treat everyone equally, it will often be interpreted as not. That is called human nature and that is life. Your wife needs to be mature in this instead of crying foul. If she really wants to fix the situation, she will raise/coach her kids to be more likeable. It will be far more productive way to spend her time: your kids will actually learn a valuable lesson in kissing up to people who cares about them. Your mom did nothing wrong other than being human.)

[jduke44]

I agree with justjamestx, not saying the others didn't make good points, but we have to start somewhere. There is more than just this one event. We have a lot of things going on here. I am only going to hit the highlights and that's it and go from there. First of all, it does sound like you might be taking your mother's side on a lot of issues (this is my gut feeling). Guys do tend to take their mother's side without even realizing it. Second of all, your wife should not have gone off on your mother and put you on the spot. I notice you seemed to go to your wife and had her calm down. You might have wanted to try to calm everyone down not seeming like you were taking anyone's side at the moment. When things are heated people need to calm down before anythng can get resolved. You need to support your wife but explain to her that she can't talk to your mother that way. By supporting her, you need to discuss these things with your mother. This issue will not be changed overnight but you need to really show your wife you will support her. I am not an expert just a husband who could have been there if I allowed it. I realize at times I take my mother's side or beat around the bush on issues. We have only been married 4 years but I already know that I need to stand up for my wife when it is important to her. She doesn't expect me to beat my mother down, but she does expect me to discuss things that bother her about my mother. If you nip things in the bud from the beginning, it probably won't come to the nasty arguments. There is a lot more that needs to be said, but I like to keep things short so others can add to it. ;)

[NeedHondaHelp]

Family counselling is a good idea, and I agree that you should support your wife, but her yelling at your mom is unacceptable. You now also have to support your mom because if she's crying, well, I'm very close to my mom and would NEVER tollerate someone making her cry. Ever. Sounds like your wife needs anger management, too. Acting like nothing happened is heartless and immature. I'm not saying she's wrong for being hurt, but if your children are fine w/ it, then she should be, too. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

[Wildcat21]

Rule #1 - always take your wife's side WHEN YOU KNOW SHE'S RIGHT!!

Hey - from my stand point I am glad your wife brought it up. What is she supposed to do, hold that in?? That's not healthy AND IT'S NOT HEALTHY WHAT YOUR MOTHER DOES.

I THINK YOUR WIFE IS 1000% RIGHT HERE. I am glad she confronted your mother because it's IMPORTANT TO YOUR WIFE.

You have to work things out and it sounds like your mother has issues.

[rkim291968]

Sounds like your wife needs anger management, too. Acting like nothing happened is heartless and immature. I'm not saying she's wrong for being hurt, but if your children are fine w/ it, then she should be, too. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Yup, well said.

[very upset person]

Wow, I just had to get it off my chest and I didn't expect so many nice replies and suggestions.

After 48 hours of biting my tongue and trying to be civil, I started getting angry and taking it out on my kids (yelling at them to do homework when I really didn't need to yell). Being a robot, however, I knew what was going on and was able to reign it in and me and wife had a talk about it. She was well pleased with herself and the situation. I mean, she understood that it may have broken up my family, but at least she was able to get something off her chest. That's what was important to her. She admitted the issue was petty. Finally, I convinced her that it wasn't my mom that need to issue an apology, it was her.

Now, after you push a 65 year old lady to the point of crying and running out of the house a "sorry, my bad" won't make it right. But, as I told her, it is a good start. She sent an E-mail (very personal, eh?) and said "I know you don't want to talk to me right now. But I wanted to say how very sorry I am. I lost control. We all love you and we want you to part of our lives and of our children's lives." Etc. If it sounds like it was nicer than I have depicted her maybe it's because I basically dictated the content to her and she was satisfied and off it went.

No response and I don't expect one right away. It is amazing how much damage you can do in 90 seconds. It may take months or even years to be completely healed.

But as for me, I am much better knowing that my wife, when push comes to shove (I do the pushing and shoving) can admit a mistake and try to make things better.

Thanks for all of your help. I honestly appreciate it. It is amazing that the internet, for all its ills, can be a source of help and comfort from total strangers. Again, my thanks.

[Wildcat21]

I still think your wife did the right thing. You should support her. IF your mother does that - your mother is VERY jaded.

Hug your wife - SHE CARES!! A lot of woman don't. A lot of woman want out of their family, a lot of woman these days cheat.

No therapy needed here. So what, she blew off some steam - rightly so.

[NeedHondaHelp]

He even admitted that his wife was wrong, and she admitted it and apologized. He said he was brought up in a very peaceful environment, so his mom cried because she's not used to being screamed at by someone that obviously has an anger problem. While I agree he should support his wife big time, he even said his mom wasn't at fault, and that his kids were fine w/ they're relationship.

You're funny sometimes, but... Not trying to start a fight here, but pleeeease back off sometimes.

Peace,

[rkim291968]

He even admitted that his wife was wrong, and she admitted it and apologized. He said he was brought up in a very peaceful environment, so his mom cried b/c she's not used to being screamed at by someone that obviously has an anger problem. While I agree he should support his wife big time, he even said his mom wasn't at fault, and that his kids were fine w/ they're relationship.

You're funny sometimes, but...... Not trying to start a fight here, but pleeeease back off sometimes.

Peace,

Well said. Really, no mature mother of two should behave that way. After all, it is up to the grandma on how to treat her grandchidren. She wasn't abusing them or anything. Consider her children "lucky" that they have a grandma.

[s_cianci]

Your wife has a serious problem and needs extensive therapy and psychiatric treatment. However, laying all that aside, you need to get in her face and tell her in no uncertain terms that you WILL NOT tolerate her being abusive to anyone in your family or any of your friends. Her bhavior is unacceptable, end of story. Don't even allow her to engage you in a debate about whether your mom pays more attention to her other grandkids than your own children. That is not the issue here ; your wife's abusive behavior is. She is verbally and emotionally abusive to you and your family (and probably your kids as well) and that is just as bad as if you were being physically abusive to her or to her mother. Certainly that wouldn't be tolerated, so it shouldn't be tolerated from her either. It has nothing to do with her "temper" ; if she were physically able, she'd be beating the holy crap out of you and your kids every night. Either she stops or you pack up yourself and the kids and move in with your parents or somewhere else you can afford, then sue her for custody and divorce with no holds barred. Let the whole world know just how ugly and horrible her behavior has been. Ifyou are the breadwinner, then obviously you stop paying the mortgage/rent until she moves out, then make amends with your mortgagor lndlord and move your kids back in to your house, without her. Be prepared to share with the judge all of the dirty details of just how abusive she's been.