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Dennis777 · Sep 17, 2007, 06:52 AM

Hello.

The problem is right now is not the right time to talk it out unless he brings it up. I know its hard but you have to show him how strong you are so he doesn't think he has the control over you to get what he wants and or get you back any time he wants you.

Dennis777

hpallister · Sep 17, 2007, 09:12 AM

I need some hope...

My boyfriend and I lived together for a year, we were planning to spend our lives together and a month ago he broke up with me saying he needs to change his life on his own and he can't say whether he sees his future with me. He's moving out of our flat this week, having stayed there since the break up, never wanting to talk to anyone about what happened.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Do I just give up? I can't believe this is the end of two great years with a man who loved me more than I've ever known. I'm seeing him Friday to sort out practicalities of moving out.

RickJ · Sep 17, 2007, 09:20 AM

Let me give you my 1.5 cents worth from a guy's perspective. Do NOT call or attempt to contact him. If it goes a month, then he's probably for whatever reason just lost interest. If he does contact you, then there is hope.

Either way it's good for you since you'll be discovering his true feelings.

Ash123 · Sep 17, 2007, 09:47 AM

READ THIS FIRST: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

Don't panic - but don't freeze.

I have seen reunions after a month, 2 months, a year... but only after (ironically) one person has the guts to move on... then the reunion has value and perspective.

hpallister · Sep 18, 2007, 01:32 AM

Do I need to talk to him about the resons for the break up now or do I leave the subject alone for the time being?

rol · Sep 18, 2007, 03:19 AM

Talk about everything now and get everything off your chest before you start NC.

Its most probably over.

<Do I just give up? >
He has given up hope and now you need to do the same.
You need to let go and heal and get a life you enjoy without him.

rol · Sep 18, 2007, 03:25 AM

<Has anyone experienced anything similar?>

I experienced something very similar last year from almost married to single within a week.

It was hard ,especially with all the mixed signals I got... and him contacting me every 3 weeks for 5 months after the breakup did not help either.

You can read my post here , incidentally I also posted with a title similar to yours.

I eventually had to start NC to get on with my life,that was a year ago now.

My advice is don't stay stuck in denial , you need to accept its over and move on as best as you can.

I know you probably have a million questions in your head that you will probably never get answers to.

Take care and come here to vent or if you feel like breaking NC.

Suelle383 · Sep 18, 2007, 02:55 PM

I was in a very similar situation about 2 1/2 months ago. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years decided he needed to figure out his life... grow up... blah blah. For 2 weeks we kept talking and tried begging and pleading... I got everything off my chest I could during that time and then went NC. That's the best thing you can not only do for the situation but also do to help yourself heal. Because, honestly, there's NOTHING you can do to win him back. Its not about you, its about him... and he needs to figure things out on his own.

After 2 1/2 months apart and about 1 month of NC... my boyfriend started calling again saying "how breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life, all he wants is me..blah". Its only been about a week of us seeing each other again and to be honest, I don't know if things are going to work out between us. I'm trying to play it cool as much as possible and now I'm trying to figure out if I really want to be with him all the time.

I should mention that this is somewhat of a rare case, and generally the ex doesn't come back. So the point of NC is not to win your ex back but to heal yourself and get over all the crazy emotions you are going to go through. Believe I was there, I was unbelievably miserable for well over a month and didn't know how I'd possibly get through... but I did.

gemini13 · Sep 18, 2007, 05:27 PM

Oh, you just have to be strong and that is the hardest thing to be at this time.

Went through something similar to this about 6 years ago. It was the end of a marriage. He went to a study abroad and came home and just "didn't want to be married anymore." I of course, begged for a day or two, but then I realized, why would I want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me? So I moved out and moved on.

He did some back 4 months later, but by that time, it was too late. I had healded and I realized he wasn't all that to begin with. I know it is hard now, but you will make it. Don't settle.

hpallister · Sep 19, 2007, 12:46 AM

Thanks so much, I think I'm blaming myself for so much, am getting counselling, just wish he could see more clearly- he's not behaving like the person I know at all, even his parents agree with me. I even found his newly acquired porn the other day, whih is totally out of character -don't know if I should confront him with this or not though? Just want to make something click inside his mind even though I know I can't.

rol · Sep 19, 2007, 02:50 AM

Don't confront him with anything.

I guess the porn is a distraction for him.

You just look after yourself.

Ash123 · Sep 19, 2007, 08:19 AM

You made an error here. You do not see the real him...and that is important for you.

That is NOT why he is breaking up though - it is because he is being himself and wants space. He is not bad and you are not bad... You are just in different places right now.

Porn is HIM... That's part of your growth as much as him.

He wants porn and to date and to move out... that's the reality.
That is HIM.

Let him move. Be polite. Don't bug him. After not contacting him for a while, he will contact you with some closure info I'd bet...

**Any other action on your part will bring more problems...

hpallister · Sep 19, 2007, 09:33 AM

When you say closure info what do you mean? I do agree with you that I've got to let him move on, I recognise that there are things that need to change for him before we could ever consider starting again - I just feel like he's looking to change all the external things instead of looking at himself - he was very insecure and untrusting from the start.

Ash123 · Sep 19, 2007, 09:52 AM

I mean at some point if you can MAKE yourself not talk/bug him....he will likely communicate.

Then that info you can use with him or in a new relationship when dealing with a man.

This is him... really... and as for porn - it's not a deathly sin.
Let him move out... focus on yourself... and have noo contact.
If you never talk again, that is your answer: he is too immature and disrespectful to deal.
If he does talk some day, he can explain more why he moved out.

I know this sux, but if someone isn't the "bad guy" neither of you get what you really deserve! A true love!

stilllearning · Sep 19, 2007, 10:00 AM

Many times people do get back together, but many times they will just break up again. You don't hear about people getting back on the boards because they are to busy being back with their EX. But why do that to yourself?

Jiser · Sep 19, 2007, 11:34 AM

I know of two family members who got back with their ex's and have been together ever since, one of them married. Anyway time had passed in each occasion and were talking years here of NC.

I got back with my ex twice after a week of nc in each occasion. Hey guess what it didn't work out and that was I think like 8 or 9 months ago.

The only sure way of being happy either way is through NC. & there is evidence to prove it above ^. My family members one had a few serious gf's and the other was married before both got back with their ex's.

hpallister · Sep 20, 2007, 12:56 AM

Thanks guys, really good of you to reply, I d appreciate it. Went to the flat last night and he's taken nearly everything apart from the gifts I gave him when we were together, if felt like such a punch in the stomach, like he's exorcising me from his life or something. I just keep going over and over all the things I did wrong in my mind. No contact sounds good - just wish all the practical stuff with the flat didn't have to get in the way of me getting on with NC. Aaarghh. We had such a great friendship even before we got together, now it seems he's willing to even throw that away too.

mckenzie134 · Sep 20, 2007, 02:07 AM

NO conyact at all...

Give yourself every chance let him no what its like to not see you.

He will feel the void you leave...

hpallister · Sep 20, 2007, 02:28 AM

Do people really feel that void or do they just harden their hearts to it? I feel as though he's denying that the last two years ever even happened.

Chery · Sep 20, 2007, 07:12 AM

Originally Posted by hpallister

He's moving out of our flat this week, having stayed there since the break up, never wanting to talk to anyone about what happened.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Do I just give up? I can't believe this is the end of two great years with a man who loved me more than I've ever known. I'm seeing him Friday to sort out practicalities of moving out.

You did not reciprocate the same then, and he's moving on... LET HIM.

Almost all adults on this earth have experienced something similar. It is part of life's lessons that we need to learn if we are not totally apathetic or brain dead. It's just a fact.

Now, what we do with all of this information (negative or positive) when it happens is what makes us what we are. We develop into people with perspective, people with caring emotions, people who set goals in their lives according to the things we learn. We go to school to learn reading, writing and arithmetic... but to learn about social, political, emotional interactions we have to go through them and feel them to finish our education. Yes, we read about history, political science, and we read 'love stories' in books... but it is a far cry from living it all. When we don't want to read, we don't pick up the book... but we cannot ignore and put our emotions on the shelf just because they are too painful or inconvenient to us. We have to feel them, and we have to deal with them, like it or not. How we deal and recover is somewhat up to us.. Take it from those who have been there, it's doable.. you can recover and move on. It's those first steps that are the hardest. We will help you through them as much as we can.

So, back to reality - you put him through a lot in the past and he is breaking away.. let him. The world will not come to an end. If you look at it from a different view other than the one you have now, and work on yourself (primary goal here) you will come to the same conclusion in time.

Again, time will be a big factor here.

Bye a new hat, a new CD, go to a movie, get busy living your life, step by step.