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Diesel69 · Sep 11, 2007, 07:30 PM

Okay here's my story: Please be patient and READ ALL OF IT and answer as many questions as possible. I want to implement the perfect strategy to get her back. This is still fresh and because of this I think I have a decent chance of doing things right and not being a WUSS. I hear that guys who beg and send gifts often push their ex further. On top of this, my ex said I was too dependent on her at times, and that I was jealous and suffocated her. Well keep this in mind as you read.

First, I need to say I apologize for the length of my post, but I am truly in love and feel like my partner is making a mistake. I really would appreicate it if you put all of your wisdom and advice into this one. Please.

Once again please, please read my post carefully. I want to follow your adivce but I by no means want to push her away and blow my chances. For starters, we have been going out for over two years. She is my first SERIOUS GF and I am her first SERIOUS BF (thus, first loves). About a month and a half ago, things started turning bad towards my GF and I. I saw the warning signs, but always pushed them away and tried making things "right" between us. I was always the optimist. She was more pracitcal and realistic, which made it harder to work things out. Well anyway I always took her for granted. I really NEVER thought she would dump me. We used to laugh and have so much fun, but now she dumped me. She wrote notes to me like "we will always be together" and frequently told me that I was "the one."

Well, about two weeks ago, she told me we were through. She left my house and didn't give me an explanation. When I started pleading with her, she said, "this just isn't working, you are a great guy, but I'm not in love with you." I tried being persistent and she told me to move and that she didn't want to be a . So I just turned and walked away from her. She said, "Don't go please." Then she just drove away.

Well a week and a half went by and although this sounds stupid, we were still listed as "in a relationship" on Facebook. So naturally, I thought everything was okay and that she would soon call to fix things. Well what do you know, this past Friday, (4 days ago) she put "single" on her profile. Needless to say, I was crushed and acted like a WUSS and called her, left her a voicemail and said that I just needed closure to know why things went bad. Well, she called me back about 5 minutes later and I tried talking to her, but to no avail. She kept saying, "NO, we are not getting back together, I'm content with my decision." I tried everything (WUSS) and it didn't work. So I just gave up and said goodbye. I was so crushed because it seemed like she was just over me like that.

Well the next day, I was being a WUSS and sent her a Facebook message writing to her one of the notes she wrote me about how when I got back home from school (June 2007), we would always be together. She messaged me back and said that we needed to stop talking or we would never get over each other. She also said, "don't make me block you." I messaged her once more and said, "look I've been a good bf to you, the least you could do is let me see you before I go on my interview on Tuesday, just so my head is clear and so that we can say goodbye and get closure." She said fine and that she would text me. This was at 10:30 AM

At this point, I just realized all hope was lost and started reading her notes she wrote to me. At around 1:30 PM, as I was reading the notes, she called me crying, saying how she was sorry and that she didn't want me to hate her. She also kept telling me to "learn from this relationship." By learn she meant, don't be jealous/possessive/unsupportive in my next relationship. I kind of prodded around seeing if we could try again and she said "I don't know" but essentially, the answer was NO. She did say though, "I don't know how I feel, my feelings may change for you tomorrow." Of course I was optimistic by this. She then asked if I wanted to see her. I flipped it on her asking if she wanted to see me. She started sounding all weird so I just said, "if you want to see me, call me later tonight."

So around 6:30 PM, she called me and we talked for another hour about things. She was still upset, saying how everything reminded her of me. She said though, we need to stop talking or, "we will never move on." Is this bad or do I have a chance? At the same time though, she needed to hear my voice. We got off the phone saying, "I love you," but I think hers was not one that meant, "I'm in love with you."

So I'm not going to lie, I felt SO much better after hearing her cry--it proved she wasn't as heartless as I thought after all. Well, of course on Sunday (the next day) I was getting lonely and sent her an e-mail, seeing if I could ask her a question about how to approach my interview. I asked if I could call and she said, "ok." So I got my question out of the way and asked how she was doing. She sounded better than Saturday. She said this was because she went out shopping with her mom and sister. Well, of course I started prodding as to what went wrong. She then told me that I essentially suffocated her and that she wanted to be alone now. She said I was a great guy, but she didn't want anyone to answer to at this point in her life and that my actions affected how she felt about me. She said that me not going out with her cousins/family made her really upset and that she wanted to go on vacation to see her family and how she never wanted to go because I would just get mad. Finally, she said that she never went out with her friends because she didn't want me to get jealous. She said that I depended on her for too much. At the same time though, she admitted that I had been making changes in my jealousy over the past months, but the feelings she felt were still fading. This summer, she also hit me with, "you are so lax about getting a job," and all of that bull. I mean come on I JUST GRADUATED CHILL! She admitted to me once that that was one of the reasons she didn't know if it would work between us. However, she also added that that WAS NOT the main reason, and that her feelings (as well as her) have changed towards me. Over the last month and a half, she would often hit me with the "how do we know if we're meant for each other, I don't want to make a mistake." I would reassure her, but I never wanted to force her. Well, Sunday night, I tried everything under the sun to convince her I could change. She just kept saying, "No I want to be alone now, please just go live your life, don't wait for me, I may change my mind BUT DON'T WAIT for me." Then she said, "we need to move on or we will never stop talking, maybe one day we can be friends, but not for a while." Then once she said, "I need to see what I want in a guy." I was like, "WHAT?" Then she changed what she meant and said, "I mean, I need to see what will make me happy. I love you but I am 21 (almost 22) years old and want to enjoy my youth. I'm not saying I want to go to bars and clubs, but I want to travel. Honestly, if I knew you were the one, I would have NO problem being with you, but I don't know if you are at this point in my life, so go on and live your life, don't wait." Towards our, "goodbye" I told her how every song, and everything in general reminded me of her. She choked back tears and said the same. Needless to say, I was crushed.

I knew I shouldn't have called her, even my sister and cousin said that was the wrong strategy. We left off on Saturday saying how she needed space and by Sunday she was saying, "The answer is no, we are broken up right now, you are not listening to me, you are saying one thing and I am saying NO, please I don't want to be a but we need to stop talking." So once again, I gave up.

Well I didn't call her Monday--I was too busy preparing for my interview today (Tuesday). Well last night at around 8:30, I get an e-mail from her with two Microsoft Word documents with interview tips. She wrote, "Hey, check the attachments, not sure if you have them...good luck tomorrow...you will do great!!! I did NOT respond to the e-mail.

Today (Tuesday) was my interview at 11:00 AM. I KNEW she would text me. She texted me at 10:30 AM saying "Good Luck!" I have not responded to this either. It is currently 2:30 PM.

My question is, what strategy do I pursue now? Do I return her text and simply say, "Thank you?" What if I don't return the text and she calls? What if she e-mails me?

I NEED TO STRESS-- MY GF HAS A LOT OF PRIDE, I'M NOT SURE IF THE TECHNIQUES EXPRESSED HERE WILL WORK TO MY ADVANTAGE OR BACKFIRE! I DON'T WANT HER TO JUST GIVE UP AND GET OVER ME. At the same time though, we were each others first true loves and dated for more than 2 years. I keep thinking that in a month she will be over me (because of her PRIDE and becuase she often kept her emotions in check), but at the same time, she's a girl and she has to be thinking about me right? I don't want her to just give up on me! When she called me on SAT, she said that the two weeks (earlier) that we didn't talk were okay because she was busy with stuff, but on SAT she was lonely. I don't want her to want me because she's simply "lonely." I want lonely to mean I miss your love, I miss US.

Diesel69 · Sep 11, 2007, 07:34 PM

(CONTINUED)

How do I follow this program effectively? I've listed all of my questions and concerns, now the problem is effective implementation. Remember, this is a UNIQUE case, she has pride, I don't want to push her away!

Also, her pride and communication issues seem like a nasty combo. She always expects me to speak and fix things. How do I avoid this and get it out of her?

Do I just stop cold turkey responding to her? I don't want her to think I'm avoiding her, that is childish. I also don't want to play the whole, "oh i have a hot date" game. NO we had a close, loyal, loving relationship.

What if she asks, do you miss me? What do I say?

Is the program ABSOLUTELY no contact for 21 days? 30 days? Once again, I'm not trying to push her away or SCREW this up.

What if by day 10 she is crying for me? What about even earlier-- Day 5? Is this risky to try and work things out this soon? Should I make her sweat? I don't want her to want to get back and then change her mind!

If she wants to make things right, how do I go about facilitating the process? I don't want to look desperate.

Finally, she first stopped talking to me 2 weeks ago. Then she did that whole Facebook bull on Friday, and we spoke. She said on Friday (when she seemed indifferent) that "I thought it was clear we were done." Does that count as two weeks or does the PROGRAM START NOW?

Finally, by getting a job in this corporation, will that improve her view/appeal of me/increase my chances of winning her back? Her company is actually only 10 minutes from where my "potential company is." BTW I made sure I did well on the interview.

I want to change and show her I will never be jealous, possessive, unsupportive ever again! However, she told me on Sunday (last time we spoke live over phone), that, "I just think too much damage has been done"

The final big question--Have I lost her for good? Is there a chance to get her back? I love her so much and want her to feel like she used to feel for me but I'm scared she will never want that again. She's hard headed and may just be like, "NO I don't want to be in that situation again--I'm not risking it"

So, about her text what do I do. Please provide me with a DETAILED response to all my questions and feelings. I need confidence, support, and most importantly ANSWERS! PLEASE HELP A HEARTBROKEN GUY!

Finally, please guys let me know if you all think I have a chance. She's not the type to go clubbing or to bars, but her 2 close friends might take her out (to dinner, maybe to bar) to force her out and get mind off things. During the week she works, so she keeps herself busy. On the weekends though, in the day, she will probably be alone, thinking of me. But then again, she has pride, she has said, "we need to move on" and that "too much damage has been done." Is she sincere? Or is it in her heart to change?

2 years, 2 months, a great girl, I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm 21, almost 22 and really care for her. We really were happy at one point in our relationship. Please help and give me the perfect strategy. I already messed up by calling her on Sunday. She was kind of thinking about it (still saying no though) on Saturday, so I should have just left it at that. Instead, I went begging, saying I would change. So how do I remedy this? I'm not into playing games, but I'm desperate here, I will do whatever it takes to reconvince her and let her understand that she is confused and making a big mistake. I am not conceited, but I am a very nice guy and there will probably not be anyone out there that will treat her like I did. So please--help. Thank you all.

mckenzie134 · Sep 12, 2007, 04:26 PM

You got her back yet

Diesel69 · Sep 12, 2007, 05:40 PM

nah man.. we haven't spoken since I wimped out and called her on Sunday.. the next day (monday), I prepared for my interview on Tuesday.. she e-mailed me that night (monday) with two Microsoft word documents about interview tips.. she told me "you are very smart and you will do great!" the next day (my interview=tuesday), she texted me at 10:30, a half hour before my interview, saying "good luck!".. I responded back 4 hours later (2:30) with a simple, "Thank you."

I really cannot imagine that that will be the last time I am EVER in contact with her.. like her texting me will be the last time I ever spoke to her.. but I don't know I'm second guessing myself a lot because I'm so scared and alone right now.. maybe she is just really ready to forget about me.. I mean she was quoted saying, "i need to be alone now," and "we both need to stop talking so we could move on" and "you are not understanding, you are saying one thing and im saying another..we are broken up right now..i dont want to be a so please stop..i dont know if we will get back together or not..im not saying yes but im not saying no..just dont wait for me"

at the same time though, she called me crying on Saturday.. she said, "im so sorry..please dont hate me..i dont want you to hate me..just please promise me youll learn from this" so I'm like I'm so alone/scared.. idk some adivce? It's been 5 days since this has been official.. I act like I'm getting better but I am always thinking of her.. do you think she is starting to forget about me? I haven't talked to her since Sunday.. I sent a text Monday but no direct conversation...

GlindaofOz · Sep 12, 2007, 05:47 PM

You seriously need to implement no contact immediately. Start with 30 days and see where you are. You both need to move on. She told you she doesn't love you and you even admitted that when she said I love you that it did not mean in love with you. You need to let her go and move on. She wants you to grow as a person and move forward from this relationship. She is giving you every sign that says "MOVE ON!" and you are ignoring her because you are so set in getting back together.

Diesel69 · Sep 12, 2007, 05:47 PM

Another thing--we left on pretty good terms.. I mean she is wishing me luck and stuff.. idk is this where all the confusion starts?

Finally, another BIG question.. what if she calls me? What do I do? Pick up or no? What if its at night.. like 11:30 or 2:00 in the morning.. do I pretend I was sleeping and not pick up? Do I pick up and sound tired? If she says, "ohh ur sleeping im sorry forget it" what do I do? Do I say,"nono whats up?" OR do I say, "hey call me tomorrow, we can talk better"

One more little thing--what if the conversation is leading to her crying like, "ohh i miss you" (not NECESSARILY I want you back--do I say hey lets meet up for lunch? Or do I say "aww its okay youll be fine?" I Don't want to push her away.. I want to make sure I get her when she's vulnerable (or is this the WRONG move?? ).. if I do say, "let's meet up" do I say, "ohh how bout tomorrow?" or do I try to do it asap?

Please guys help me.. I am so alone...

GlindaofOz · Sep 12, 2007, 05:49 PM

NO CONTACT MEAN NO CONTACT. No matter how many times she calls, what she says or whatever you leave it alone. You don't pick up so that you avoid getting back involved with her emotionally What will happen is that she will lean on your emotionally and keep you tethered to her while she goes on with her life and dates other guys.

MOVE ON. She has told you she does not love you what do you think is going to happen here? Not for nothing but you sound crazy.

Diesel69 · Sep 12, 2007, 05:58 PM

Hey man, no offense, but I'm not crazy.. this is someone I envisioned spending the rest of my life with and she hit me with this.. I mean you should see all the stuff she wrote to me.. and all the stuff she told me.. over two years is a long time too my friend..

I don't know what the hell is running through her head.. she told me, "i dont think im in love with you" but guess what.. she always second guessing everything.. she may be confused and second guessing herself now!

I'm just saying-- NC means NC? Even when she calls? I mean that just looks like avoidance doesn't it? I'm trying to win her back I just need to know the BEST way to do so.. I don't want to blow it

GlindaofOz · Sep 12, 2007, 06:02 PM

No contact is about you not the other person. Its about YOU getting over this person and getting healthy.

Its not your problem if she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. It doesn't matter what she said for 2 years what matters is what she is telling you NOW. Right now she told you she doesn't love and doesn't want you to be her boyfriend. With this new info you need to move on and heal from this relationship.

This is what happens in life. Sometimes you get hit with a curveball that you cannot believe. Its what you do when that gets thrown out is what counts.

You cannot do anything to win her back. She has to make that decision on her own. If she wants to come back she will if she doesn't she won't. That's it. Already you are telling her "keep using me emotionally I'll be your crutch as long as you want I will not move on with my life until you are back in my arms". (this is what is going on don't fool yourself otherwise).

Diesel69 · Sep 12, 2007, 06:07 PM

What if she calls to be like, "i made a mistake.." if I don't pick up I might let an opportunity slip away.. I know where your coming from bro.. but it's just very hard.. you have to understand

GlindaofOz · Sep 12, 2007, 06:12 PM

She won't.

Diesel69 · Sep 12, 2007, 06:15 PM

(sigh)

mckenzie134 · Sep 12, 2007, 06:19 PM

Diesel. This is how it is and the poster who just posted is correct. Ive been through what you are going through I've heard exactly the same crap as she is telling you. Amazingly the night before my girlfriend broke up with me well saud she needed a break she wrote me a message saying I wish I was in your arms tonight then the next night bREAk!!

3 1/2 years we were together and out of no where she says I need a break. Ive been thinking about it for ages she said. Its something I need to do for myself. I kept talking to her she kept crying she would say I love you but don't know if its enough forever. She would say to me just live your life I don't wannt to give you false hopwe and I promise I won't string you along I just need time to wortk on myself.

What a load of crap they just drag you along untoil they are well enough to date others and then they say I'm sorry but I just don't feel the same. You can believe what you want and say what you like and by the way you can say to yourself I don't want to opush her away I don't want her to think I don't care I don't want her to just get over me. Well she will get over you eaay if you stay in contact... She has told you how she feels and these feelings will NOT change while you are around, if she missies you she will let you no.

Let me saay this will not be the last time you hear friom her, prepare yourself when you start no contact she will contact you in a week or so it may be a late nioght drunk call , she may be crying on the phone, she may text you she may email you. Don't reply you will noot lose her by not replying if she wants you and you don't reply she won't go off you, but if the feelings are coming back and you rreply they will then die off again , you must build the tension back up let her regain those feelings and the only possible way for that to happen is for her to feel a void in her life and want you to fill that void. Problem is when she contacts you and you ansewer she ios only looking for a quick fix. Like a junkie on heroin she just wants a quick jab just to hear your voice will let her no your there and she will feel better and her moving onn process made easier. WELL it starts here for you your moving on!! That's the first stepo even if you don't want to its what has to be done in order to win her back. Your not listening to what she is saying she is saying I don't love you and don't want youat the moment so let it be.

Give her exactly what she wants NONE of you. Wait it out she will be back when you are not in the oicture and she feels the void, if you lay low this will happen.

GlindaofOz · Sep 12, 2007, 06:22 PM

I'm sorry to be harsh but when you have your heart broken you almost get to the point of wanting to do anything to have this person back. But what you have to realize is if this person has it in them to toss you out and say they don't love you and don't want you why would you want to be with them?

You need to go no contact. You can even tell her you are going no contact. I did that with my ex-boyfriend. I tried to be friends with him and then I realized I was doing so to my own detriment. I wasn't moving on and was getting MORE attached to him. Finally I told him look you know I care about you and value the friendship that we have but right now I can't have you in my life I need to get over you before we can be friends again. He was disappointed but he understood. After about 90 days I was over him completely and we were able to have a friendship. But I had to heal and move on before we could have a healthy friendship. I was holding out hope for over 3 months that he would realize he made a mistake and want me back and you know what he didn't. All he did was go out and find a new girlfriend - that was actually when I knew I had to stop talking to him. He was moving forward and I was stuck. I was mad at myself because if I had done no contact starting at break up I would've been over him way sooner and on with my life much more quick.

There is nothing healthy about chasing after someone who is done with you. You need to do what's best for you not her. You are what matters. Your responsibility is to yourself and to make sure that you feel healthy emotionally and mentally.

mckenzie134 · Sep 12, 2007, 06:22 PM

Don't start that crap about what if she calls to say I want you back and I don't answer!! Ahahahahahahahahahah

If she wants you back she will call again...

What do you think she calls once you don't answer she moves on.. If that was how it works then you would be moving on now. When someone wants you they don't give up after 1 call they become more desperate like you are becoming

GlindaofOz · Sep 12, 2007, 06:22 PM

Also remember they either get all of you or none of you.

That's it. Nothing else. Not until YOU are ready

Diesel69 · Sep 12, 2007, 06:23 PM

Okay, I will try the nc thing.. thing is, we've always been very honest with each other and never played games.. I met her and we were dating immedietely.. always very honest/loyal girl.. I just don't know I'm being a WUSS I know.. but I'm sure lots have felt like this.. ok NC it is..

GlindaofOz · Sep 12, 2007, 06:24 PM

Its not playing games its doing something that is GOOD FOR YOU. It sucks for her but she is not your concern YOU are your concern.

Like I said tell her I can't talk to you right now. We can't be friends again until I'm over you. I will call you when I'm ready.

Diesel69 · Sep 12, 2007, 06:26 PM

I thought you said NC... see I'm confused I just want the best approach

GlindaofOz · Sep 12, 2007, 06:30 PM

I did say no contact. But you are complaining that it seems like a game so I'm saying so that she doesn't think you hate her or some other drama tell her you can't be her friend right now and you will contact her when you can. Send it in an email I have a feeling a phone call would be too hard for you. Then after that's done then she knows the situation and that's the end of it. You don't have to answer calls, IM's, emails, texts, etc because she knows the situation is you will contact her when you are ready.