[Diesel69]

Hey, just a question for future reference----is it attractive or appealing if a guy were to put his GF before even himself at times? My ex told me when we broke up that I shouldn't have always put her first and should have put myself first in most situations. IDK if that is a mean thing on her part... she was very generous and helpful.. but doesn't what she convey sound a bit, well, selfish?? IDK just some thoughts... can you all please elaborate?

Another thing--one of her friends (nice one) wrote on her myspace wall today--she wrote, "sleepover friday mwaA" Do you think my ex is going out this weekend or it will just be a night to talk and hang out.. I mean my ex wasn't a crazy partier, but she is very attractive and this is her "new" life.. I would think she would be too emotional not to go out.. idk would you girls go out?

[GlindaofOz]

Hey, just a question for future reference----is it attractive or appealing if a guy were to put his GF before even himself at times? My ex told me when we broke up that I shouldn't have always put her first and should have put myself first in most situations. IDK if that is a mean thing on her part....she was very generous and helpful..but doesn't what she convey sound a bit, well, selfish??? IDK just some thoughts...can you all please elaborate?

I personally don't find that attractive at all. I think this has more to do with your co-dependent nature. That you would trample on yourself in order to take care of her. That's just no a good way to treat yourself. You should be important to yourself and you should consider yourself in situations. Its not about acting selfish or self centered its about getting your personal worth.

Another thing--one of her friends (nice one) wrote on her myspace wall today--she wrote, "sleepover friday mwaA" Do you think my ex is going out this weekend or it will just be a night to talk and hang out..i mean my ex wasnt a crazy partier, but she is very attractive and this is her "new" life..i would think she would be too emotional not to go out..idk would you girls go out?

It doesn't matter. They could be hanging out doing each others hair trading unicorn stickers or out banging every guy in a 20 mile radius. It doesn't matter because its not your concern anymore. She can do whatever she wants just as you can. If you sit around and wonder about it all the time its not going to help and its not going to get you anywhere.

[cerulean]

or out banging every guy in a 20 mile radius.

Ok, wheres this party happening again? :D

[inorkram]

Okay here's my story: Please be patient and READ ALL OF IT and answer as many questions as possible. I want to implement the perfect strategy to get her back. This is still fresh and because of this I think I have a decent chance of doing things right and not being a WUSS. I hear that guys who beg and send gifts often push their ex further. On top of this, my ex said I was too dependent on her at times, and that I was jealous and suffocated her. Well keep this in mind as you read.

First, I need to say I apologize for the length of my post, but I am truly in love and feel like my partner is making a mistake. I really would appreicate it if you put all of your wisdom and advice into this one. Please.

Once again please, please read my post carefully. I want to follow your adivce but I by no means want to push her away and blow my chances. For starters, we have been going out for over two years. She is my first SERIOUS GF and I am her first SERIOUS BF (thus, first loves). About a month and a half ago, things started turning bad towards my GF and I. I saw the warning signs, but always pushed them away and tried making things "right" between us. I was always the optimist. She was more pracitcal and realistic, which made it harder to work things out. Well anyway I always took her for granted. I really NEVER thought she would dump me. We used to laugh and have so much fun, but now she dumped me. She wrote notes to me like "we will always be together" and frequently told me that i was "the one."

Well, about two weeks ago, she told me we were through. She left my house and didn't give me an explanation. When I started pleading with her, she said, "this just isn't working, you are a great guy, but I'm not in love with you." I tried being persistent and she told me to move and that she didn't want to be a . So I just turned and walked away from her. She said, "Don't go please." Then she just drove away.

Well a week and a half went by and although this sounds stupid, we were still listed as "in a relationship" on facebook. So naturally, I thought everything was okay and that she would soon call to fix things. Well what do you know, this past Friday, (4 days ago) she put "single" on her profile. Needless to say, I was crushed and acted like a WUSS and called her, left her a voicemail and said that I just needed closure to know why things went bad. Well, she called me back about 5 minutes later and I tried talking to her, but to no avail. She kept saying, "NO, we are not getting back together, I'm content with my decision." I tried everything (WUSS) and it didn't work. So I just gave up and said goodbye. I was so crushed because it seemed like she was just over me like that.

Well the next day, I was being a WUSS and sent her a facebook message writing to her one of the notes she wrote me about how when I got back home from school (June 2007), we would always be together. She messaged me back and said that we needed to stop talking or we would never get over each other. She also said, "don't make me block you." I messaged her once more and said, "look I've been a good bf to you, the least you could do is let me see you before I go on my interview on Tuesday, just so my head is clear and so that we can say goodbye and get closure." She said fine and that she would text me. This was at 10:30 AM

At this point, I just realized all hope was lost and started reading her notes she wrote to me. At around 1:30 PM, as I was reading the notes, she called me crying, saying how she was sorry and that she didn't want me to hate her. She also kept telling me to "learn from this relationship." By learn she meant, don't be jealous/possessive/unsupportive in my next relationship. I kind of prodded around seeing if we could try again and she said "I don't know" but essentially, the answer was NO. She did say though, "I don't know how I feel, my feelings may change for you tomorrow." Of course I was optimistic by this. She then asked if I wanted to see her. I flipped it on her asking if she wanted to see me. She started sounding all weird so I just said, "if you want to see me, call me later tonight."

So around 6:30 PM, she called me and we talked for another hour about things. She was still upset, saying how everything reminded her of me. She said though, we need to stop talking or, "we will never move on." Is this bad or do I have a chance? At the same time though, she needed to hear my voice. We got off the phone saying, "I love you," but I think hers was not one that meant, "I'm in love with you."

So I'm not going to lie, I felt SO much better after hearing her cry--it proved she wasn't as heartless as I thought after all. Well, of course on Sunday (the next day) I was getting lonely and sent her an e-mail, seeing if I could ask her a question about how to approach my interview. I asked if I could call and she said, "ok." So I got my question out of the way and asked how she was doing. She sounded better than Saturday. She said this was because she went out shopping with her mom and sister. Well, of course I started prodding as to what went wrong. She then told me that I essentially suffocated her and that she wanted to be alone now. She said I was a great guy, but she didn't want anyone to answer to at this point in her life and that my actions affected how she felt about me. She said that me not going out with her cousins/family made her really upset and that she wanted to go on vacation to see her family and how she never wanted to go because I would just get mad. Finally, she said that she never went out with her friends because she didn't want me to get jealous. She said that I depended on her for too much. At the same time though, she admitted that I had been making changes in my jealousy over the past months, but the feelings she felt were still fading. This summer, she also hit me with, "you are so lax about getting a job," and all of that bull. I mean come on I JUST GRADUATED CHILL! She admitted to me once that that was one of the reasons she didn't know if it would work between us. However, she also added that that WAS NOT the main reason, and that her feelings (as well as her) have changed towards me. Over the last month and a half, she would often hit me with the "how do we know if we're meant for each other, I don't want to make a mistake." I would reassure her, but I never wanted to force her. Well, Sunday night, I tried everything under the sun to convince her I could change. She just kept saying, "No I want to be alone now, please just go live your life, don't wait for me, I may change my mind BUT DON'T WAIT for me." Then she said, "we need to move on or we will never stop talking, maybe one day we can be friends, but not for a while." Then once she said, "I need to see what I want in a guy." I was like, "WHAT?" Then she changed what she meant and said, "I mean, I need to see what will make me happy. I love you but I am 21 (almost 22) years old and want to enjoy my youth. I'm not saying I want to go to bars and clubs, but I want to travel. Honestly, if I knew you were the one, I would have NO problem being with you, but I don't know if you are at this point in my life, so go on and live your life, don't wait." Towards our, "goodbye" I told her how every song, and everything in general reminded me of her. She choked back tears and said the same. Needless to say, I was crushed.

I knew I shouldn't have called her, even my sister and cousin said that was the wrong strategy. We left off on Saturday saying how she needed space and by Sunday she was saying, "The answer is no, we are broken up right now, you are not listening to me, you are saying one thing and I am saying NO, please I don't want to be a but we need to stop talking." So once again, I gave up.

Well I didn't call her Monday--I was too busy preparing for my interview today (Tuesday). Well last night at around 8:30, I get an e-mail from her with two Microsoft Word documents with interview tips. She wrote, "Hey, check the attachments, not sure if you have them...good luck tomorrow...you will do great!!! I did NOT respond to the e-mail.

Today (Tuesday) was my interview at 11:00 AM. I KNEW she would text me. She texted me at 10:30 AM saying "Good Luck!" I have not responded to this either. It is currently 2:30 PM.

My question is, what strategy do I pursue now? Do I return her text and simply say, "Thank you?" What if I don't return the text and she calls? What if she e-mails me?

I NEED TO STRESS-- MY GF HAS A LOT OF PRIDE, I'M NOT SURE IF THE TECHNIQUES EXPRESSED HERE WILL WORK TO MY ADVANTAGE OR BACKFIRE! I DON'T WANT HER TO JUST GIVE UP AND GET OVER ME. At the same time though, we were each others first true loves and dated for more than 2 years. I keep thinking that in a month she will be over me (because of her PRIDE and becuase she often kept her emotions in check), but at the same time, she's a girl and she has to be thinking about me right? I don't want her to just give up on me! When she called me on SAT, she said that the two weeks (earlier) that we didn't talk were okay because she was busy with stuff, but on SAT she was lonely. I don't want her to want me because she's simply "lonely." I want lonely to mean I miss your love, I miss US.

If you really want too get her back...
Try giving her a break at least a couple of weeks or months...
Then start all over again

[cerulean]

Hey, just a question for future reference----is it attractive or appealing if a guy were to put his GF before even himself at times? My ex told me when we broke up that I shouldn't have always put her first and should have put myself first in most situations. IDK if that is a mean thing on her part....she was very generous and helpful..but doesn't what she convey sound a bit, well, selfish??? IDK just some thoughts...can you all please elaborate?

Another thing--one of her friends (nice one) wrote on her myspace wall today--she wrote, "sleepover friday mwaA" Do you think my ex is going out this weekend or it will just be a night to talk and hang out..i mean my ex wasnt a crazy partier, but she is very attractive and this is her "new" life..i would think she would be too emotional not to go out..idk would you girls go out?

I don't believe that you have ever done this to her.. hence why she is gone. She told you about the possessiveness and jealousy, that's not "putting someone else before you".. that's someone who thinks of themselves and their insecurities before the person that they are dating or with. That's is someone who wants to be appeased and pleased and does things in order for a return. Jealousy is never to be confused with love, not giving someone space is not giving them respect, and that in itself isn't love either. Its not about you, its about both of you.

I know you love her, but the above actions are something that happens altogether too frequently in the world of "love".

Sometimes people believe they have certain qualities that they really don't have. You have to really hear the other person and understand that what they are telling you, (unless they are mentally ill) is something you must acknowledge and consider learning about yourself. Become reflective and meditate on this.

Everything happens for a reason. This one is abundantly clear.

Women want to be given to, and listened to, and respected just as much as they want to know their mate is greatly attracted to them. A great love comes with unconditionality but most people cannot supply the other with this because they have not learned what that means, and they are thinking more about their own gratification and the pleasing of their own ego, in relation to the other person.

Many are in love with the idea of love and how it makes them feel, but this then would make you want to control the person of your affections. That's not real love. That's an addiction. Its akin to a drug.

This is when the other person sees and senses this and gets amazingly turned off and wants to rebel and run away.

Her tears are just guilt and disappointment that "You are not as they would want you to be". People need to open their eyes completely when getting into relationships and realize the person is not someone they can change or fix, but that person can only improve in their own time through experiences. People also need to date their equals, not those on dissimilar paths if they are internally going to be unwilling to learn and grow from the experience. If you do date those on different paths than yourself, pay attention to what they are telling you, instead of fervently wishing them back, and having your old life with them back. If that life was so great, it wouldn't have ended as it has. There's a mystery here for you to discover.. The question is: why did it end? How did you contribute to its untimely demise? What can you learn from this? How can you retain your soul and not lose yourself in the process? How to prevent such a thing from happening again? And How do I learn to roll with life and accept change without feeling defeated by it instead?

Noones a "victim" here, you must remember that. You will always be in a negative mood if you believe that someone's done wrong to you. You have to examine what you have done.. and realize the laws of karma are also balancing.

When you realize what you have done, and that noones a victim, you won't keep asking "Why me?" and "Why did it happen". That requires paying attention and a lot of self honesty.

Basically you are going to receive how much you put into something.

[somebody85]

My ex did pretty much the same thing to me... it's totally eerie. Went out for about 2 years then left me without hardly an explanation (over the PHONE) talked to me friendly-like for about a week then she totally broke off all contact and I haven't spoken to her for 2 years. It sucks because with no closure I am still not over her, totally scarred me.