[GlindaofOz]

Now is the perfect time to get out there and meet new people and make new friends.

Join some clubs or local groups or people who share your same interests. I don't know how old you are but I'm guessing out of college since you say "old college buddies". But pick some stuff you are into and look around on sites like craigslist or meetup and see what's going on around you. If nothing else its some new people to hang out with and get your mind off your ex. I went to so many meetup events after my last break up. I was doing so much stuff every weekend I barely had time to think about my ex.

Granted the friends you dropped sound pretty sketchy so it was probably for the best but in the future keep your good friends. Your girlfriend can't be your world. You got to bring something to the table and its more attractive to have a full life then to be looking for someone to give you a full life.

[Stringer]

All three have given you excellent advice. Now only you can decide what to do with it.

People may think they can make someone fall in love with them or "come to their senses" and come back and all will be the same again. In my experience this rarely occurs and if it does it's really not the same.

Relationships should be give and take on a fair and equal basis, but in most instances one person for whatever reason takes control (stronger personality,a necessity for some reason, etc). She has done this for her own reasons, she made the decision-only she can change her mind. I believe that she will now decide; and try as you may to "change her mind for her"-it still comes down to the underlying reason she made the decision. (And she may not even really understand her feelings.) She knows you from your relationship already, the "dye is cast" and I think based on this the decision will be made. Even if you were able to "win" her back if she comes for any reason other than the fact that SHE chose to do so, I think it would be shaky. If you were able to "convince" her to give it another try and in the process lost who you were before--it will haunt you--I can promise you.

I believe that being in love is a very personal matter, I'm talking about love not infatuation or something close to love. It's like being happy, no one is responsible for your happiness, you are either happy or you are not. Loved ones, friends and family can make you happier but only you are responsible for your own basic happiness. Don't confuse happiness or love with a "feel good" emotion, this is only a symptom of love or happiness.

Good luck,

Stringer

[Diesel69]

Makes sense stringer.. its just that, I always thought I made her happy.. I could ALWAYS make her laugh, even when she was mad.. maybe my jealousy was too much for her though.. she always seemed like she just wanted me and her, and honestly I was fine with that.. we had a lot of really fun times.. so many memorable moments.. but when I got home from school (finally graduating and being back with her).. things were weird.. it was like she wasn't happy with me being home.. at least not like she used to be.. it just hurts so damn bad.. before we broke up, I asked if she ever was really in love with me.. she said yes at a time I think I was.. she also told me that her 2 good friends were not badmouthing me during the breakup, they were saying that I was a good boyfriend.. im kind of confused with the breakup, but I should have seen it coming.. there were good days in the past months, but there was always something missing on her part.. now she hits me with, "i dont know if youre the one for me" ugh that line sucks! It makes you feel worthless as a boyfriend and a man.. part of me thinks she's confused but the other part just says no she's made up her mind.. I want her back my heart is screaming for her, but I'm not sure if I want to risk getting hurt again.. she would really have to do some convincing.. plus how do I know that she won't relapse into the same feelings as before?

[Stringer]

Exactly.

Now what is your mind telling and your common sense?

Stringer

[Diesel69]

I mean I feel that she fell in love with me because I was real.. I was caring, nice, funny, and made her smile.. then I think I got too comfortable and tried to be controlling.. im using this time now to really remedy my flaws.. if this girl couldn't take it, no decent girl ever would.. I feel that I messed up in that department and I was too needy of her.. at the same time though, she always wanted to hang with me, so I'm like...

Then with her it was communication.. I felt like a dentist pulling teeth sometimes.. she just couldn't spit it out.. I honestly wanted to help her with this.. I would ask questions and reassure her that its okay to speak her mind.. still though it was hard to communicate..

There would be a lot of times when we fought that we would ask each other why we loved each other.. I asked her once and she said that it was because I made her feel comfortable.. like herself.. ahh I know I'm living in the past, but just the memories make me smile so much.. I really miss her so much

[Diesel69]

You know another thing--she would always pull the whole 6th grade silent treatment on me over the phone.. thats such BS in my opinion.. I would try so hard to talk and the second she heard something she didn't like, she went silent.. YEHHH okay see if someone else will put up with that.. looking back on it, I would be the one fixing the problems most of the time.. she would call me crying and say "please fix this".. dammit I get so angry.. and so sad because I miss making up.. I miss holding her.. I miss her face.. I miss her voice..

[GlindaofOz]

A relationship cannot survive if one person is doing all the heavy lifting. A relationship is like a rowboat if only one person paddles the boat spins in circles and you get nowhere. When both people row its easy and smooth sailing.

It seems to me that neither of you really know how to act in a healthy, adult relationship. You are both adults and both of you acted really immature in this relationship. I do not think it is healthy for either of you to try to get back into this relationship. It would be to your detriment to do so.

You may not believe it but there will be lots of girls in your life who you will love. You will break some of their hearts and they will break yours. You will feel as if you cannot leave without someone in your life many times. Someone will feel that way about you. This is how relationships work. This is how our life goes. We never set out to hurt we set out to love and build and grow in a relationship. Sometimes its just not right. This is your first love and first "real" relationship. This is going to hurt like hell. That's the way it works. Everyone thinks they are going to spend the rest of their life with the first person they love it hardly every works that way.

You are still a young guy. The amount you will change throughout your 20's will astound you. In a years time I can guarantee to you that you will not be able to fathom what you even found so appealing about this girl to begin with. She will seem so wrong for who you will be at that point. Honestly you will probably see that within a few months if you keep NC and move on.

What it amounts to is this. If this was meant to be the girl you were going to marry you would have already been engaged and moving in that direction. If this meant to be it would not be over. If it was meant to be she would not tell you to move on and that she does not love you.

You need to get this all straight in your head. Your heart will lie to you. Listen to your gut and your head.

[Diesel69]

It wasn't like a rowboat though.. we both did good things for each other.. she was so generous and always offered me advice for work and ALWAYS listened when I felt like crap.. the same went for her too.. we really were there for each other.. I really do think she was good for me.. she kept me focused.. I was always very driven and competitive, but she turned it up a notch.. brought out more in me.. im starting to think that my ways pushed her away.. she ignored them and looked past them as much as possible but too much is too much for anyone.. even though she felt bad breaking up with me, she was right.. it wasn't fair to her to be in that situation

[GlindaofOz]

But you know what none of that matters right now because she was not happy in the relationship. You cannot keep something together when one person is miserable. Sometimes its nothing that the other party can control or help. You can be the best boyfriend or girlfriend on the planet it doesn't guarantee that the other person will never be unhappy or miserable. Clearly something wasn't working for her and that's all you need to know. You will drive yourself crazy reliving every aspect of your relationship.

I agree with her. Learn from this. She has made you more focused and more ambitious and that's great. Keep that going for yourself. Those are great traits. You know you need to work on your co-dependency and jealousy because only a girl with low self esteem and self worth will tolerate those kinds of behaviors.

Diesel this is a process. Trust me. It will take time. Beating yourself up is not allowed during this time. What I found to help during my last breakup was I placed all the blame on him until I felt better. Now I can say yup we both did things wrong that caused our relationship to end but at the time it made me feel really good to put it on him. It just takes time to gain perspective.

[Stringer]

"i asked her once and she said that it was because i made her feel comfortable.."

I somewhat understand "comfortable" in a relationship but this has so many variables; warm and fuzzy, complacent, no extra work, no challenges, NO HAVING TO WORK ON IT, OR; safe, protected, etc.

Based upon your posts my guess is the first group above. I am sorry that you have to go through this Diesel69 really I am, I understand how you feel. And you are right it is torture. But... what are the odds man? Again... stand back emotionally and take an observers point of view... what is best for you at this time?

As a guy you know what common sense is telling you; it is time to start to "suck it up." You can torture yourself for as long as you choose to, but that "time" is probably here now, need to do a gut check. Remember; only you are responsible for you and how you feel AND how you act. I think inside you know this is true.

Bottom line; stay away totally, collect yourself, don't even text or phone call. Time is the "pill" but during this time do something for yourself. Yes, learn from the experience, but start to also feel better about yourself. You sound like a good guy (you know where this is going.. ) don't be a fool and jump into the rebound thing... but she will show up a that moment you least expect. "She" isn't her... that didn't work.

Again, good luck,
Stringer

[Diesel69]

Stringer,

"but she will show up a that moment you least expect. "She" isn't her.......that didn't work."

What exactly do you mean by these statements?

[GlindaofOz]

Diesel watch the movie Swingers.

Not to speak for you Stringer but I think what he was trying to say is that she will show up as soon as you are over her. But you have to remember that your ex is not "her"/"the one"

[Diesel69]

One other thing--

A good step on my part-- I want to go out this weekend with friends.. I don't want to put it in her face that I'm going out (via away message) because that will seem too fake.. I also don't want to let her know I'm in pain.. would you guys say NOT to put anything in the away message/just not be online?

Also, I'm thinking ONE night this weekend will be good.. is that a good start or should I go out both nights? I'm still hurting I don't want to force anything but I don't want to be alone either..

[GlindaofOz]

Do whatever feels right. If you have a good time when you go out then go out again. But don't let partying be your crutch to get through this.

I agree to not put on your away message something jerky like "out having a blast picking up the ladies" I think a simple "I'm away from my computer right now" is totally fine. Or hell just sign off all together.

[Diesel69]

SWINGERS TONIGHT HAHAHA is this movie depressing I don't need that.. I just watched lost in temptation and that sucked

[GlindaofOz]

No Swingers is my one of my top three favorite movies of all time.

Swingers (1996)

Its funny and just a good movie. Its all about a guy going through this awful break up and how his friends try to lift him up and make him feel good and how he just keeps focusing on the ex. It's a great movie and its from a guys perspective so its not like a chick movie where everyone ends up crying.

[Diesel69]

THESE ARE NOT THE ANSWERS I WANT TO HEAR! DAMN YOU I AM SO SAD I Don't NEED TO HEAR THIS... I WANT YOU TO TELL ME SHE WILL BE BACK.. I WANT TO KNOW HOW I CAN GET HER BACK! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS IS HURTING ME... I AM SO PISSED OFF AT ALL OF YOU TELLING ME TO CHANGE!

... and at the same time, I want to thank you and say God bless you all.. im truly realizing a lot.. and it hurts, and I know I will have ups and downs, but I really am coming to an understanding.. it will be hard not seeing or hearing her.. it will be so hard.. but I'm sure with time I will heal.. thanks so much for being there for me.. even though it's not the news anyone wants to hear, well, it's the right news.. the right way.. time to keep my chin up.. my favorite movie is actually rocky.. ive always paralleled that movie to my life.. looks like this is just another chapter.. where I fail.. and just have to get up again.. I know I will fail again, and again.. so will everyone.. but I need to just prove that I will never stop.. thanks again everyone, I'm feeling better (... a little LOL! =P)

[GlindaofOz]

Again its totally natural to feel this way. Its not what you want to hear but it's the truth. No one is going to lie and say that this isn't going to suck. It is. Strap in because you are looking at some rough days. Some days will be better then others, you will backslide. But you will come out the other end better for the experience.

[Stringer]

one other thing--

a good step on my part-- i want to go out this weekend with friends..i dont want to put it in her face that im going out (via away message) bc that will seem too fake..i also dont want to let her kno im in pain..would you guys say NOT to put anything in the away message/just not be online?

also, im thinking ONE night this weekend will be good..is that a good start or should i go out both nights? im still hurting i dont want to force anything but i dont want to be alone either..

Please read my response to Glinda; yes go out but be a little cool to, don't jump at the first female you see. Have a nice conversation with everyone who will talk with you. Get some new people in your life. Smile a lot!

AND.. sorry but you are not listening closely, please hear what we are trying to say; No CONTACT. You will probably do as you will but we are just trying to save you some on-going pain.

Get angry with your situation--as I mentioned in another post today; proper anger (not maniac anger) is the first stage in the healing process. Say to yourself that you are not going to take this anymore-you won't allow yourself to continue to feel this.

Stringer

[GlindaofOz]

I have to spread some rep Stringer but I totally agree with you.

Constructive anger channeled in a healthy way is good right now. After my break up I would go for these insane runs that would last forever until I felt like I could act like a normal human being again. I would just run and work everything out in my head and would feel so much better once it was done.

Like Stringer said you are going through basically stages of grief and here you are at anger.