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friend4u178 · Sep 18, 2007, 05:05 PM

You are on the right track and the fact you know what you have to do is helping you. It is extremely tough as you say but you are progressing well. Keep it up and remember what she has done to you and how she has made you feel!

madaman · Sep 19, 2007, 05:26 PM

One thing I've been pondering is when do you stop seeing them as the person you interacted with on a daily basis, and just another 'ex'. When I think about my previous ex, there is NOTHING there, no pain, just a memory really (and that was the first big one, took a year to get over). When I think about the one I'm trying to get over right now, if I think about her (as in the person I lived with, talked to) it really hurts, but if I just see her as person X, its not so bad...

I guess I would like to know, are there any tricks you can do in your mind to stop thinking in detail about the person? I try and change my minds 'subject' whenever it starts thinking about her, but there's got to be an easier way.

nkychic · Sep 19, 2007, 05:37 PM

Originally Posted by madaman

One thing ive been pondering is when do you stop seeing them as the person you interacted with on a daily basis, and just another 'ex'. When I think about my previous ex, there is NOTHING there, no pain, just a memory really (and that was the first big one, took a year to get over). When I think about the one im trying to get over right now, if I think about her (as in the person I lived with, talked to) it really hurts, but if I just see her as person X, its not so bad...

I guess I would like to know, are there any tricks you can do in your mind to stop thinking in detail about the person? I try and change my minds 'subject' whenever it starts thinking about her, but theres got to be an easier way.

I think the main thing is to stay busy. Go out, have fun, work, go to the gym, whatever it is that you do. Continue to meet new people. Don't compare them to her (although at times it's hard). Live your life as though there are no tomorrows. Don't regret what's happened, use it to better yourself.

talaniman · Sep 19, 2007, 06:16 PM

If your looking for an easy way out, there is none. Painful as it is you must accept that you have to move on, and rebuild your life, and self confidence without her.

madaman · Sep 19, 2007, 08:16 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

If your looking for an easy way out, there is none. Painful as it is you must accept that you have to move on, and rebuild your life, and self confidence without her.

You know what, I agree 110% with everything you say in everyone else's threads, so logic tells me to listen to what you say to me! I really wish emotions would stop trying to override logic... It's the battle of my mind.

reikigrl · Sep 19, 2007, 09:27 PM

Good for you! Don't beat yourself up! Do whatever it is that makes you feel good, and if you have the patience, try meditation-that %$#^ will change your life and the way you look at things and react. Intention is everything. Love yourself, it will illuminate your life.
I am in a similar situation where the ex is hanging out with the ex best friend. It really sucks, but this is when we find our true strength, and it is beautiful!

CHEERS!

MissingHim2Much · Sep 19, 2007, 10:08 PM

Originally Posted by madaman

I guess I would like to know, are there any tricks you can do in your mind to stop thinking in detail about the person? I try and change my minds 'subject' whenever it starts thinking about her, but theres got to be an easier way.

I wish there was a trick. I'd pay top dollar for imformation on how to get him out of my mind. I know how you feel because his life and mine were so intertwined that even when I go out and do different things I think about the fact that he's not doing whatever it is with me. It kind of feels to me like losing your right arm and every time you go to use it you have to remind yourself OH YEAH I don't have that ARM anymore. So not being with him only reminds me daily that I'm not with him. Does that make sense?

madaman · Sep 20, 2007, 09:01 AM

Originally Posted by MissingHim2Much

I wish there was a trick. I'd pay top dollar for imformation on how to get him out of my mind. I know how you feel because his life and mine were so intertwined that even when I go out and do different things I think about the fact that he's not doing whatever it is with me. It kinda feels to me like losing your right arm and everytime you go to use it you have to remind yourself OH YEAH I don't have that ARM anymore. So not being with him only reminds me daily that I'm not with him. Does that make sense??

Unfortunately, it makes perfect sense. When you have done everything with that person, and then they are gone, you almost look to see them there the next time you do anything. Its driving me crazy.

Im honestly just trying to "villain'ify" her in my head/memory, I have two choices when I think about her one to be sad, and the other to be mad. I would much prefer to be angry at her for what she did to me behind my back.

MissingHim2Much · Sep 20, 2007, 12:24 PM

Originally Posted by madaman

Unfortunately, it makes perfect sense. When you have done everything with that person, and then they are gone, you almost look to see them there the next time you do anything. Its driving me crazy.

Im honestly just trying to "villain'ify" her in my head/memory, I have two choices when I think about her one to be sad, and the other to be mad. I would much prefer to be angry at her for what she did to me behind my back.

To say this is driving me crazy is an understatment, I'm usually such a rational person. But nothing about the way I think anymore is rational. I'm afraid if I don't get over this soon I'm not going to come out of this as the same sane person I used to be. And your right about the sad and mad thing. Being sad for 5 minutes then mad the next is exhasting.

Inspired · Sep 20, 2007, 01:04 PM

You sound like a very intelligent person who is on the road to healing. The reason why you miss her is because as humans we do not like change, even if it is a good change. Its more comforting being in the drama that you got used to (because of her) rather than actually realize she's gone. Also you were with her for 10 months so you got used to seeing her everyday and its in those moments you miss her. This will pass too. Follow your gut instinct. Do not let her back into your life, even as a friend. Believe me, she will call you again because she sounds like a drama queen who thrives on attention. If you talk to her she will say more hurtful things to you about that guy she's seeing. Do not let her back in. Continue on the path to recovery. God bless.

madaman · Sep 20, 2007, 04:41 PM

Thanks, I think the only way I'm getting through this as fast as I am is because I did all the WRONG things with the last girl after we brokeup, and it took a year (which I'm not willing to waste on a girl who did this to me this time). As for her calling me in the future, I would be surprised because I let her know exactly what I thought about her and the type of person she is when we last talked. Who knows though, I certainly wouldn't answer if she phoned. I do miss her so much its not even funny, but I think I truly know that things would never work out with her and to let go of the dreams I had for a life with her. Its incredibly tough though!

madaman · Sep 25, 2007, 08:42 AM

Minor update:
Started seeing a psychologist last week, and I can see a benefit to it once we talk a bit more. Its really nice having someone to talk to face to face again (friends are sick of hearing about it).
Went on a date, it was fun and great at taking my mind off things for a while.

I find it so hard to 'truly' let go of the hope of being with my ex again though, I catch myself drifting off into thoughts of us together again in the future and I hate it. If I start thinking that, then all the bad thoughts snowball. I know I could never take her back anyway even if she did want to come back. It just hurts so much to think that she can be so happy right now. Its almost like I want her to be suffering like me.

Thinking about her is seriously tiring me out, I wake up and just dread the first thought that will start it all. Its like serious exhaustion.

talaniman · Sep 25, 2007, 02:08 PM

Take your time, as replacing her in your mind with other less "exhausting" thoughts, will not happen over night. Every time My ex snuck into my thoughts I would get up and do something and before long It become easier to reject her. It's a good way to keep your shoes polished and shirt ironed, if nothing else. You could even set aside certain task just for when you need them, but it will get better with time.

madaman · Sep 25, 2007, 05:50 PM

Thank you, I do try the distraction route (cleaning the house).

Getting over someone has to be the weirdest thing. Its not like digging a ditch where you know where you are progress wise, and when you will be done. I have been told to not suppress the pain, to let the thoughts out, and eventually it will go away. Its so weird that you DO think about the person and eventually they will go away. In my mind truly I want to get over her and move on and I know I will be some day, it just really sucks that you can't skip the 'X months of hell' and get to the feeling better part sooner. I guess I'm always looking for shortcuts.

The fact that she cheated on me and lied to my face about it should be enough to make me seeth with anger, but I can't focus on that and it really bugs me.

The messed up thing is that when we started dating, I knew it wouldn't last due to a big age/maturity difference (I was 24, she was 18, I know pretty stupid of me) but somewhere along the way I fell in love. About her, her mom died when she was 12, her dad left her. I think she did the same thing with her last boyfriend when she met me, and that she really has no friends except those of who she is dating. Hell, I worked with her for a year before we dated and saw how much of a flirt she was with other guys when her boyfriend wasn't around, I'm so stupid!

I only share this information because I want others to see the mistakes I made and the facts I chose to ignore.

friend4u178 · Sep 25, 2007, 06:00 PM

She LIED TO YOU and she CHEATED on you , focus on those things whenever you start thinking about her. I found whenever I was struggling and thinking about her it was because I was focusing on the GOOD things ,I got rid of that feeling on many occasions (and still do) by switching my thoughts to the bad things she had done and how BAD she had made me feel. It works for me!

madaman · Sep 25, 2007, 08:48 PM

You guys are all so great, Im glad I have this forum to read whenever I start to feel desperate to do something stupid. Thank you for all the advice to date, I can't wait until this whole episode is over and I am happy again.

friend4u178 · Sep 25, 2007, 09:02 PM

Patience my friend , it all takes time. But it will get better I promise!

madaman · Sep 26, 2007, 10:55 AM

I know a big part of a breakup is some inner thought and finding out what you did that you probably shouldn't do again in the next relationship etc. I just want to know where do you draw the line? I think back and I realize there are some traits/actions which were not healthy for the relationship that may have not ended things, but definetely didn't help. I know its not good to blame, but its also important to realize true mistakes and prevent them from happening again so you become a better person. I start to border on the 'if I had only done this different' thoughts and it snowballs, but I know I need to think about these things some time.

Im almost 99% focused on myself and the future, but a little part of me keeps thinking about her and how I could have done things differently. I don't think its healthy for my healing but I can't think of any other way to look deep inside and see what I did wrong as well, because its never 100% someone else's fault. Im not quite sure what I'm even asking, maybe just looking for some advice on this stage I'm going through.

smoothy · Sep 26, 2007, 11:34 AM

Missing them is a common feeling at first... just remind yourself why you left her in the first place. Sometimes familiarity and the comfort from it seems like love when its not.

That feeling will fade, and it will fade faster if you start dating others.

talaniman · Sep 26, 2007, 05:03 PM

How about considering you made no mistakes, and that you just were not compatible in the long term, and you didn't bring out the best in each other. It happens all the time when our hearts are involved. We can't see a relationship is not good or healthy, but we hold on out of fear of rejection, or being alone, whatever. Or we may not see that the other person doesn't feel the same way we do. Not all break ups are because of mistakes we made.