[vivia12]

I think the best indication of a person's current and future behavior is their past behavior. If they have treated their Ex GF's like trash sooner or later they will begin to treat their current GF like trash. This is their pattern and their personalty type.

Abusers are essentially selfish - they are moody, self centered and defensive. They are also intolerant, aggressive and demanding. In the first romantic flush of a relationship these characteristics will not be obvious as they put you on a pedestal. Once you show that you are in fact human, and we all are, the pedestal comes crashing down. It's just a matter of time.

This sort of behavior is ingrained and difficult to shift. If you can see that a man has been abusive to his ex partners I would be extremely wary, not matter how nice he may seem to be. This is not good relationship material!

Jerks can sometimes be tolerated, abusers never should.

I definitely true,once they know that you're flesh and blood and have feelings and hurt,and wound,they not only crash you down but kick so hard you to the curb. Amazing,but are they like this with everyone else, Surely they are they would end up totally alone,would they?

[friend4u178]

Like we said Vivia it's their behavourial characteristics and something that is very hard to change , yes they can pretend to be something else for a while but their personality will show in the end.

Therefore they don't necessarily end up all alone , because they either go from partner to partner OR they find someone who's willing to put up with that behaviour.

[Gemini54]

I definitely true,once they know that you're flesh and blood and have feelings and hurt,and wound,they not only crash you down but kick so hard you to the curb. Amazing,but are they like this with everyone else,? surely they are they would end up totally alone,would they?

Abusers often have multiple relationships, or one person that tolerates the abuse.

They can be very discriminating about who they abuse, so for example, they may not be like this at work.

Essentially they they do it with the people they can have the most power over.

[vivia12]

Friend,Gemini,this is very very informative,makes you think about things.. really,you're answering what's been plaguing me.. so te only way t stop this discrinmating from the ex practice I believe is total NC..

[Gemini54]

Friend,Gemini,this is very very informative,makes you think about things..really,youre answering whats been plaguing me.. so te only way t stop this discrinmating from the ex practice i believe is total NC..

With an abusive ex, it's the ONLY answer.

"You're dead to me", is the only way to go...

[friend4u178]

Hey that's what we're here for , glad to have been of help ;)

And yep total NC and before you know it you won't even worry about it.

[jaime90]

Viva12- I know first hand that you can find a guy who is marriage minded- it takes patience, and the right mindset for both of you. Just so you know I'm only 19, but I have a one and only and we're engaged. I went into a dating relationship with him with the intention of marrying him. I tested the waters first, I was friends with him, I saw how he treated me and my siblings, how he acted around my family, how he was in group settings and with my friends, etc. I even made sure that I felt comfortable around HIS family.

My twin sister is currently dating a young man, and both of them also have the intent on marriage, he is not religious at all, and is currently in the process of going into college, so this isn't conservative stuff for religious people or anything. (I hope it doesn't come off that way.)

If you want to avoid more hurt and heartbreak (as I said before) be patient, and wait for the right man to come into your life. You don't have to go around searching, and trying to find him- just be observant of the guys that come into your life (and who knows, maybe you already know the guy you're going to get married to.) Become students of these guys- let them teach you about themselves, and learn about them.

If you begin a relationship with a guy take it slow and ease into it. You could also consider counseling together. (I go to premaritial counseling with my fiancé, and it's awesome, we get tools for communcation, conflict resolution, etc. Which could be a big help to a couple who is just starting in a relationship.)

[vivia12]

Hey Jaime,I appreciate your answers,as well as everyone's,thanks!
Its not wrong or religious, to be marriage minded,I believe it makes A lot of sense,you want someone whose marriage minded and want a solid relationship,not someone whose not serious about you or want long term.
But how do you avoid these kind of men? They seem as if they're everywhere!
I know personally two friends who meet men who pretend they wanted to settle down,(by the first month of dating!) and retract ecverything they say and bolt.
I should have looked at numerous redflags,with the fact that he was already into another woman after his ex and him broke up, she ( his interest)) of course didn't give him the time of day so he came back to me till he found someone else that he'd preferred,so I was always Choice B till I became not even an option.
NC helps clear things,plus the fact that he keeps his distance until he wants to be bothered again,this time I'm not interested. This looking for a marriage minded guys sounds so much better and more substantial,and I'm a bit older than you and here you are teaching me lots girl!
My sights were indeed low,I just wanted to have someone there who at least reciprocate my feelings and is decent towards me. That's not enough, I do deserve better,
I'm not into short flings or committmentphobic relationships w/ men who are that way and don't want anything more with me,(then they go for someone else) thanks for helping me that I deserve a lot better.

[jaime90]

No problem viva12! I guess the way you can avoid getting into a relationship with men who are deceptive and manipulative as you've described is to be up front about what you are looking for in a relationship. When you know what you want out of a relationship, and you know what to look for, you shouldn't get involved with a man unless, or until he has those qualities (everyone has their quirks so of course some minor exceptions can be made- you won't find a PERFECT man.) When I was 16 I sat down and made a list of all the qualities I was looking for in a future husband, and I made sure that my fiancé knew that I was looking for marriage from the get-go.

Become friends with guys before you begin a relationship with them, that way you can observe, and have more trust in them to discern if they are being truthful if and when they say to you "I'm in it for life". When you build a friendship, you're building a foundation which you can build a possible relationship on. (relationships can be dramatic and mushy, and when it all comes falling down it's good to have a friendship to base everything on.) You don't want to marry someone who just jumped into a relationship with you head-first, you want to marry your best friend right? After all, you are ultimately giving your life, trust, love, and respect to this person. So, become friends first so both know what you're getting into BEFORE the mushy drama begins..

[vivia12]

No problem viva12! I guess the way you can avoid getting into a relationship with men who are deceptive and manipulative as you've described is to be up front about what you are looking for in a relationship. When you know what you want out of a relationship, and you know what to look for, you shouldn't get involved with a man unless, or until he has those qualities (everyone has thier quirks so of course some minor exceptions can be made- you won't find a PERFECT man.) When I was 16 I sat down and made a list of all the qualities I was looking for in a future husband, and I made sure that my fiance knew that I was looking for marriage from the get-go.

Become friends with guys before you begin a relationship with them, that way you can observe, and have more trust in them to discern if they are being truthful if and when they say to you "I'm in it for life". When you build a friendship, you're building a foundation which you can build a possible relationship on. (relationships can be dramatic and mushy, and when it all comes falling down it's good to have a friendship to base everything on.) You don't want to marry someone who just jumped into a relationship with you head-first, you want to marry your best friend right? After all, you are ultimately giving your life, trust, love, and respect to this person. So, become friends first so both know what you're getting into BEFORE the mushy drama begins...!

Hey Jaime,well with the jerk I thought we were friends,and could count on each other,sometimes guys,(not in general) don't make good friends,like call you when they say they will, I met lots of guys I struck friendship with and they can be as flaky as women friends. I feel as if that's looking for a needle ina haystack.
I'm not sure

[azif]

There's not just one needle in the haystack (I hope... )

It isn't supposed to be easy, that's what makes it all the more special when you find them

[talaniman]

I think when you know yourself well, and love yourself enough, then you will protect yourself, when you run across BS you don't like.

People can be very deceptive in words and actions, but if you pay attention to them over time, you see the true colors come out.

Yes players can be very charming, and attractive, until they get what they want, then their true selfish nature comes out, and if your so caught up in your own feelings for them, you will never see it coming, even though its obvious to others around you.

Taking your time, and paying attention is your best defense, along with not getting carried away by intense feelings, and listening to your brain, not your heart.

[vivia12]

I think when you know yourself well, and love yourself enough, then you will protect yourself, when you run across BS you don't like.

People can be very deceptive in words and actions, but if you pay attention to them over time, you see the true colors come out.

Yes players can be very charming, and attractive, until they get what they want, then their true selfish nature comes out, and if your so caught up in your own feelings for them, you will never see it coming, even though its obvious to others around you.

Taking your time, and paying attention is your best defense, along with not getting carried away by intense feelings, and listening to your brain, not your heart.

You're right on the money Tali and Azif,still it wouldn't be right if here I was getting played and discarded while the current flame gets the Royal treatment if she does,all I know its a lot better than what I'm getting. It seems though I'm just a passing through temp while the next girl gets hired permanently,how fun is that? I know I shouldn't care,but I want to ensure that I don't carry a 'use and discard me,I'm just a stepping stone to your nxt relationship' signal to the next guy,but I will take all your advices to heart,keep it coming!know I can always count on you folks here in AMHD than any other so call Forum sites.

[vivia12]

That's dd I got a notification that I got new replies to this old post,oh well