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vivia12 · Sep 10, 2007, 09:48 AM

This guy,basicalle an LDR, I fell for broke it off with me dropping the bomb saying that he rather meet someone locally in his area. Then he finally admitted months later that he has been seeing someone. I have been so broken and shattered,I kept asking myself did I ever mean anything t this person at all? When I met him he broke up with his ex and I broke up with someone and guess during the time of loneliness clung to eachtoher, I'd hear from him 4 times a day,we planned on meeting and being with each other, however I was still in school and couldn't make that move yet. However, when time passed but then he wanted to start dating again and the distance between us was an issue I understand , but I really wanted to be with him but now ts seems clear to me,it was not the same in his part. Now I only hear from him once in a while and whenever I do talk to him it hurts like hell, because he's in this lets be friends so I'm going to be very casual and impersonal with you. Its like everything we said to each other,that he said to me is all gone and now we have this indifference from him that feels like a stab in the chest. He said he wanted to be friends but then he calls once in a while and I didn't want to be the one initiating th ephone calls since he ended it with me. I was thinking, I really need to cut contact with him meaning not answering his calls as well as not calling because I haven't moved on and fully healed yet. Its as if my life depended on this guy and that was my mistakes and soon as he rejected me it crumbled,and I believed he knew this,I would be waiting for him to contact me which is once in a while but then whenever I do talk to him it hurts more, any one has advice what should I do, I know I have to get him completely out of my life but it seems from his part that's what's happening. Smll part of me hopes it won't work out with this new person and he'ss come back to me,I know its awful thinking but that's how I feel, any advice or opinions?

talaniman · Sep 10, 2007, 10:15 AM

You have answered your own question as to move on yourself, you must end contact completely from him. His contacting you has confused, and hurt you from letting go, and brought back many old feelings that hurt still. False hope has you stuck so don't answer his calls. Good Luck.

Chery · Sep 11, 2007, 04:50 AM

Have you read the first post on this thread yet?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-123862-6.html

You are not the only one being rejected like this, and will not be the last.

What you do with yourself and your emotions is the key here.. and I don't think you should waste any more time on this person. He has hurt you enough and you should treat yourself a lot better by not dwelling on him.

It's an old saying but... Time Does Heal.. so give it a chance.

vivia12 · Sep 11, 2007, 01:10 PM

Yes, I did see that post, in fact I'll print it out,

I haven't heard from him,but people say its for the best isn't it

GlindaofOz · Sep 11, 2007, 01:43 PM

Yup it sure is for the best.

When someone says they don't want you anymore it hurts and we want that person back and we want to "fix" everything. But what is really best for us is to close that chapter of our life and move forward without looking back. Very rarely will someone come back and make a relationship work. Its best for you to go no contact (yes, even if he contacts you heck ESPECIALLY if he contacts you) and just busy yourself with your life

vivia12 · Sep 11, 2007, 03:04 PM

That's the hardest part,if or when he contacts me,that I learn to say no or best not answer,I'm always looking for hope he'll come back and every phonecalls a sign that he somehow cares, but its tearing my heart when it doesn't end that way and he's just fine with everything when I'm definitely not.

vivia12 · Sep 11, 2007, 03:10 PM

Question, why does people say as soon as you move on and forget about them that's they ,the dumpers,will come back? But then others says they won't, sorry if it looks like I'm holding out for a thread of hope but I'm real curious about this. I know a friend of mine whose going through the same thing,ex dumped him now new person dumps her,whetehr she comes back to him I'm not sure, What gives,any one has opinions on this,

talaniman · Sep 11, 2007, 05:14 PM

It's that holding out for a thread of hope that keeps you from moving on, and getting healthy. Being healthy allows you to accept life for what it is, and make clear, good decisions for yourself. Confusion and chaos, after a break up keeps you stuck on stupid and unable to deal with the emotional pain of a break up, so you have choices to make as to how to deal with your own circumstances.

Jiser · Sep 11, 2007, 05:14 PM

Would be determental for you to think like that vivia. Its rubbish. There is no general collection of understanding of dumpers actions out there.

Some may turn around after some time and think (o dam! Lost somebody good there, the grass wasn't so green but there were problems on both sides of the relationship and I don't want to hurt them anymore etc plus I feel a bit to guilty so ill leave it)

But in most cases a dumper is probably glad and will feel a sense of relief and freedom whilst the dumpees are often left with the sense of failure and ego battering we are all to familiar with.

I would concentrate on getting your life in a secure and stable position. You may not even then care what your ex does or doesn't do then.

- Bump to Tali's post above mine! That holding on bit got me to, best not to :) NC all the way. Don't break it and your be so much stronger, probably even stronger than the dumper.

mikehst · Sep 11, 2007, 05:52 PM

Omg I can relate 100% to your words except I'm a male and this is a female. I asked myself over and over again exactly the words " did i ever mean anything to this person?". I feel like we have a lot in common. I feel shattered over it too. I found out the girl broke up with her b'f when she met me and started goingout with me. I didn't realize that until now... she had been talking to him like a month after I started going out with her. I can't answer must question but I find it astonishing to think someone feels the same way I do. I would definitely take this advice from talinaman. That "thread of hope" is what is holdign me back. The thought that there's still some way it isn't true and she still is mine. But I know it isn't... reality hurts. The person who did this to you will get their day. This is what everbody tells me in my case.My friend said "let him f**k her over and let her f**k him over and eventually they will fall down". Send me a private message if you want or just repost to me. I want to hear more about this. The Same THING and I swear to god... I feel the same way as your words describe and it makes me feel even better to know someone has been faced with the same problem. Listen, 100% of your feelings, I have said the same thing out loud or in text. I hope that this helps... knowing there's someone else who can relate. It seems like... whenever someone calls, I am afraid it's her and she'll hurt me more, but a small slice of me wants to know... Unfortunately, I have it to the point where she hasn't called at all or spoken a word to me. It seems like she never cared at all about what I did for her. I realized and I want to tell you this... In life there are times that no matter how much you give, you can still lose it. It's hurtful and sad but it has to be lived with. I know the feeling when you break up and you see other females (males in your case) around and you feel like none of them can ever replace the one you loved... I guess that you will eventually find another one according to like 1 million people but I still don't know. I am terrified of going through the same thing again. I don't feel like I can trust any woman who wants to be just a "friend" right now. All I can say to you and what I am going to do is,(and you probably are already aware of this) even though there are so many people to pick from to bring into a relationship(that you like), try to remember that you are taking a risk at multiple things that can make you go through what you(we, I should say) have already dealt with. What I'm going to do is make SURE of what I want.I will take plenty of time to realize what and who is worth my while and in the end, we can only hope that the next person we pick will not do this to us. It seems to me like the chances of making another mistake in loving someone is too great. Can you relate to my ideas? Your feedback would be very interesting to hear considering how your post relates to my break up so closely and how I see things from a similar point of view. Maybe we can help each other realize more about these frigging relationships : D and who the right person is for me/you.

talaniman · Sep 11, 2007, 06:28 PM

What I'm going to do is make SURE of what I want.I will take plenty of time to realize what and who is worth my while

You've learned something important and valuable, know yourself and love yourself first.

vivia12 · Sep 12, 2007, 09:51 AM

I just sent you a message mike,thanks for your support. I like Talinaman though, he's like the recovery bootcamp officer. He'll make sure you get over this if he has to beat it into you :)

Chery · Sep 12, 2007, 10:06 AM

I realized and I want to tell you this... In life there are times that no matter how much you give, you can still lose it. It's hurtful and sad but it has to be lived with. I know the feeling when you break up and you see other females (males in your case) around and you feel like none of them can ever replace the one you loved.. . I guess that you will eventually find another one according to like 1 million people but I still don't know. I am terrified of going through the same thing again. i don't feel like I can trust any woman who wants to be just a "friend" right now. All I can say to you and what I am going to do is,(and you probably are already aware of this) even though there are so many people to pick from to bring into a relationship(that you like), try to remember that you are taking a risk at multiple things that can make you go through what you(we, I should say) have already dealt with. What I'm going to do is make SURE of what I want.I will take plenty of time to realize what and who is worth my while and in the end, we can only hope that the next person we pick will not do this to us. It seems to me like the chances of making another mistake in loving someone is too great. Can you relate to my ideas? Your feedback would be very interesting to hear considering how your post relates to my break up so closely and how I see things from a similar point of view. Maybe we can help each other realize more about these frigging relationships : D and who the right person is for me/you.

What Mike says here is so true and applicable to all of us.

There is always a risk when we let someone get close to us. But there is a benefit too, especially when that closeness pays off into happiness. But.. there is no guarantee. There is no lifetime guarantee in purchasing a car, a house, a horse, or anything else either... They all need caretaking of some sort, and when we find the car is not right for us, we look for another model. Get the picture?? We learn by trial and error - accepting our mistakes and living with it.

Why do we let people into our hearts? Good question.. because we need and want to share love, tenderness and warmth. Every one of us does. And we know that it takes sometimes many attempts in this search.

After so many failures and pain, should we keep on trying? You bet.. Don't give up till you take your last breath. This is human nature and without it we would belong to the wrong species.

Stringer · Sep 12, 2007, 10:59 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You've learned something important and valuable, know yourself and love yourself first.

I agree wholeheartedly; if you improve yourself, love yourself you become "valuable" to others because they see who you are and see what a prize you are.

mikehst · Sep 12, 2007, 12:34 PM

Get over it talinaman : D.

vivia12 · Sep 12, 2007, 12:50 PM

However, it does hurt being "tossed" aside by the person who claimed that you are one of the most important people in their lives. Its as if they have never said that,then what should I beieve when the nexrt person says the same thing

GlindaofOz · Sep 12, 2007, 12:58 PM

You can't think like that. Have you never ended a relationship? At the time you feel those things but feelings can fade. That is no ones fault. Its not fair to beat yourself up and bring up every little thing someone said. My last serious boyfriend told me in the same sentence that he wanted to marry me and break up with me. Talk about mixed messages right? People say what they mean and don't always back those things up those are the people who are not right for you. The person who says you are the most important thing and backs it up is the right guy.

It would be wrong of you to carry this into a new relationship and think that the next person will do the same thing. If you keep thinking that it will then become a self-fulfilling prophecy and next thing you know every guy has walked away.

Stringer · Sep 12, 2007, 01:11 PM

Go slow Vivia12; the period after something like this happens is tough but you do get to know yourself much better, and what you really need and want from a relationship.

As far as "what should I believe when the next person says the same thing" goes I would suggest that maybe we learn something from the last time. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be open to a new relationship when the time comes but when it does just go slow. Even in the beginning of a relationship there are "signs" that should not be ignored, if you see them then address them with yourself and your partner. But never give up on finding the right person they're out there.

Sometimes you do everything you can in a relationship and still something like this happens. It's not all one persons' fault you need to work together with the right person, if the "match" is right then both have to make a commitment.

vivia12 · Sep 12, 2007, 01:25 PM

I understand Stringer, right now all I feel is hurt and long to reach out to him by a single email, but ask myself why, he never had problems initaiteing emails,or calls and we'd go back and forth. Its been a couple of months now, I have spoken to him now and then (get it ? Now and then,usually when he doesn't hear from me for a while) I hate this waiting,hoping clinging and knows it does no good for me that is. I'm truly afraid to open up my heart like this again,but I do believe there will be someone who will back what they say,but you're right,I shouldn't be negative

vivia12 · Sep 12, 2007, 01:25 PM

I understand Stringer, right now all I feel is hurt and long to reach out to him by a single email, but ask myself why, he never had problems initaiteing emails,or calls and we'd go back and forth. Its been a couple of months now, I have spoken to him now and then (get it ? Now and then,usually when he doesn't hear from me for a while) I hate this waiting,hoping clinging and knows it does no good for me that is. I'm truly afraid to open up my heart like this again,but I do believe there will be someone who will back what they say,but you're right,I shouldn't be negative