[GlindaofOz]

It will take time. Don't push yourself. Give yourself time to retreat and lick your wounds. One of these days you will find yourself feeling that some guy is cute and hey, yeah maybe dinner isn't such a bad idea. Maybe initially it will just be to get back in the game and then you will meet someone who you will get into another relationship with. It just takes time. You can't force anything it will come when its right.

[mikehst]

However, it does hurt beeing "tossed" aside by the person who claimed that you are one of the most important people in their lives. Its as if they have never said that,then what should I beieve when the nexrt person says the same thing

I feel the same way. It especially hurts when you find out that the person was cheating on you practically from day one and the whole thing and the future you wanted with them was a lie/will never proceed. You do not feel like you still love them but you will be in awe for a long time over it and will be afraid to start another relationship(I'm speaking in vivia's and my voice mostly) I am afraid to see her face because it makes things go back to the day I found out about her cheating. When the phone rings, I always (and I can't help it) feel my heart jump and my breathe ceases. I feel like I'll be lured into another trap by her and the sound of the phone is a trip wire. The reason I feel scared like this is because I know I will pick up the phone if she calls because I am still zealous to know what it was... I don't know how to say what I want to express but those who have experienced the feeling... know what I mean.

"The world is crooked. Our axis is on a tilt"

[mikehst]

Even in the beginning of a relationship there are "signs" that should not be ignored, if you see them…

To me if you see them... the least painless way to deal with it in my opinion is GET THE H*LL out before it's too late. Like saying "I need space" and "I'm not ready for a relationship right now"(when you're already in one!! ). And I thought of these signs I wish I could have seen in my previous relationship. All the things that I was suspicious of but was convinced that they were not true(by her), ended up to be true and everything was a lie. Don't act like you always know what your partner's doing because people are so unbelievably and devastatingly devious. All the very small suspicions I had from the beginning twisted my screw just a little bit more and then it was so far in that the plank cracked. I found proof that ALL the times she wasn't supposed to be doing anything I should worry about(and I wasn't worried), I should've been because she was having sex with another guy probably everyday she had some bull sh*t reason I couldn't see her. I think this is what Glinda means by signs but maybe in a less critical sense. And knowing this now is what leaves the mark that lasts the longest. Hey they always say we'll get past and I hope us people do but at the point in time we experience this, It never seems that way and that what leads you to even more self loathing.

[talaniman]

It is so easy to blame others because we don't know. But if we are the ones not seeing things for what they are, who's fault is it?? Sometimes the blame is ours because we ignored all the red flags!

[Stringer]

Vivia12, trust me on this one, you will be fine. I know how hard it is (been there quite a few times) but I suggest (strongly) that you don't call, email or "stop by." Try to put yourself kind of "above" this all, I mean in those moments when you feel a little stronger try to remove yourself emotionally and then possibly you can see/feel a little more objectively.

I know how sometimes it really hurts, but do you want it to continue like it was? I don't think so, not really. Each day will make you stronger. If you are religious then I suggest also that you share some quiet time and say a prayer, you may find some strength there.

Let us know how you are doing hon. As my Mama always said; "God will never give you more than you can handle." I'm not as religious as I probably should be, but Mama was.

[mikehst]

Sometimes the blame is ours because we ignored all the red flags!!

Pretty much what I was trying to say but more to the point and I agree 100%. But who's fault is it when we don't realize things? It isn't always the persons fault because so many of these types of things…when they happen and the person doesn't know about it, it is practically impossible to find it out for themselves. But that's why I tried to state that if it feels like the person is trying to evade your human instinct, you should just realize that they are trying to play games with your head and if you go on and find out that your suspicions were correct, you will be more hurt than if you were to take the e-ticket. I don't know why I'm hearing things about taking responsibility because in my relationship I did absolutely everything I could to find the truth and it turned into even more of a disaster than if I would have just said “screw this girl, there's more out there for me.”

[mikehst]

And what the h*ll do you mean exactly by "when will i take responsibility?"

[talaniman]

and what the h*ll do you mean exactly by "when will i take responsibility?"

It means instead of going along with the program, you should have had your own friggin' program. It means why the f# did you put so much on her, that you put nothing on yourself! YOU had as much choice for your actions, as she did, and to put all the blame on some one else is immature, as it tries to make you the victim, and her a predator. YOU made a choice in every step of this relationship! So you share as much of the burden for it not working as she does. Nobody put a gun to your head to make you a fool!! Now grow up and be a MAN and stop whining like a baby!! So is the way of life!!

[vivia12]

I feel the same way. It especially hurts when you find out that the person was cheating on you practically from day one and the whole thing and the future you wanted with them was a lie/will never proceed. You do not feel like you still love them but you will be in awe for a long time over it and will be afraid to start another relationship(I'm speaking in vivia's and my voice mostly) I am afraid to see her face because it makes things go back to the day I found out about her cheating. When the phone rings, I always (and I can't help it) feel my heart jump and my breathe ceases. I feel like I'll be lured into another trap by her and the sound of the phone is a trip wire. The reason I feel scared like this is because I know I will pick up the phone if she calls because I am still zealous to know what it was...I don't know how to say what I want to express but those who have experienced the feeling...know what I mean.

"The world is crooked. Our axis is on a tilt"

Sorry for quoting everything, but its like everything mike . Is saying I'm feeling exactly the same way. Except mine hated his ex so I'm not worried there, but feelings are the same its like the phones the enemy,you look at it taunting you with you have O message, and wonder when it will be filled with calls from either him,(tough luck if it does happen) or maybe a new person, I am being hopeful. Cool, Hope you can reply let me know your story too,helps to know that others feel that way M.

[vivia12]

It is so easy to blame others because we don't know. but if we are the ones not seeing things for what they are, who's fault is it??? Sometimes the blame is ours because we ignored all the red flags!!

No tal,there are devious people out there,in th emost extreme cases I may add,look at these women who trust their husbands and their bodies end up somewhere,I know I'm being extreme but people will tend to decieve you especially when they know they have you on the palm of their hands

[vivia12]

It will take time. Don't push yourself. Give yourself time to retreat and lick your wounds. One of these days you will find yourself feeling that some guy is cute and hey, yeah maybe dinner isn't such a bad idea. Maybe intially it will just be to get back in the game and then you will meet someone who you will get into another relationship with. It just takes time. You can't force anything it will come when its right.

Thanks for your encouragement, believe me if I can meet someone I probably would be, what that guy I drooled and grovel over, What was I thinking Nut its sad, hemet someone so he doesn't have to feel left out the way I do, its like they did the dumping and get the happy ending,

Who reaps and what they didn't sow,seems to be me.. feeling a bithopeful though

[talaniman]

I know I'm being extreme but people will tend to decieve you especially when they know they have you on the palm of their hands

Then don't ALLOW yourself in the palm of some ones hand! Ain't that much love in the world!! LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF! Don't go for that dumb shat that get thrown at you.

[vivia12]

Then don't ALLOW yourself in the palm of some ones hand!! Ain't that much love in the world!!! LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF! Don't go for that dumb shat that get thrown at you.

Absolutley right,that's was my mistakes, always at the palm of someone's hands I basically throw everything at them,my heart ,my being,my hopes while they it seems did the same then they hold back,which is something I could learn from

[GlindaofOz]

I would take this relationship and try to learn as much from it as possible. It is so easy to get swept up in someone and lose yourself. You have to set boundaries and stick to them you also have to take it slow. The next relationship you get into you will apply the lessons you learn from this past one. It will get better and better and better.

Also don't feel like he is out living the high life. You have no idea what's going on with him and this other gal. She could be a complete nightmare and he could be miserable. I have a story that might help. I was crazy, CRAZY about this guy and he left me and I was crushed. This girl he left me for seemed like she had everything I was lacking and I was so mad that he found some great girl while I was moping. About 6 months later I was talking to a girl I used to work with who knew my ex and told me that the girl ended up being a complete psycho. He caught her in his place when he came home early from work (she had broken in through an open window). She then stalked him and did a bunch of other crazy things and my friend said my ex was completely miserable and he had even said that he can't believe he broke up with me for this other girl. So you never know.

[Stringer]

Vivia12; you responded to me and said "Mike" not stringer. It doesn't matter, no problem. How are you feeling today?

[vivia12]

Vivia12; you responded to me and said "Mike" not stringer. it doesn't matter, no problem. How are you feeling today?

So sorry Stringer, I sent you a message yesterday thanking you. Hope I didn't put Mike. Sorry so messed up,I am feeling much better today,and taking all of your advice,well except I did slip and emailed him a few wods asking him about how his dog was doing,because it was sick and he told me things are not going that great,for him and the dog,(I was hoping it was between him and the new gal:)
But its okay,he said he liked to talk to me on the weekends, but I paused a bit and didn't reply yet because every time I do talk to him I start getting Titanic tears afterwards because I couldn't stand him being ,casual when I'm wanting more. Plus I'm the one who initiated this, but I am healing and learrning as I go.
I'm not sure about strictly NC, but I'll learn if I don't hear from him not to panic, there are plenty of good people here,especially in this forum I can turn to.

[vivia12]

You're right Glinda, I don't know what's going on,well I tried and by what he's told me he;s not having he time of his life,stressed,problems etc. I thought since he ditched me for this girl he's having the time of his life and here I was wallowing

[GlindaofOz]

All that means is that you can give yourself permission to live a good life. Shift your focus. Living good is in all honesty the best revenge. Do whatever makes you feel good and makes you happy. Pick up new hobbies, get new shoes a new haircut whatever can be a symbol to you that you are starting fresh.

[Stringer]

so sorry Stringer, I sent you a message yesterday thanking you. hope I didnt put Mike. sorry so messed up,I am feeling much better today,and taking all of your advice,well except i did slip and emailed him a few wods asking him about how his dog was doing,cuz it was sick and he told me things are not going that great,for him and the dog,(I was hoping it was between him and the new gal:)
but its okay,he said he liked to talk to me on the weekends, but I paused a bit and didnt reply yet because everytime i do talk to him I start getting Titanic tears afterwards because i couldnt stand him being ,casual when i'm wanting more. Plus i'm the one who initiated this, but i am healing and learrning as I go.
I'm not sure about strictly NC, but i'll learn if i dont hear from him not to panic, there are plenty of good people here,especially in this forum I can turn to.

You betcha hon! Hang in there I can feel that you are getting your strength back. Some time ago when I was going through the same thing a very wise lady friend told me. "You begin to heal the first time you begin to get ANGRY." "Angry at him (in your case) but especially at yourself for allowing him to do this to you." "Anger in this case is a good thing it initiates the healing process and you finally say ENOUGH OF THIS!"

Hoe you get angry...

Stringer

[vivia12]

I was angry before, boy I wrote hateful goodbye letters to him (which I didn't send,thank goodness) but then I fall into the he did this to me, I'm worthless, but then I read those letters again,and all of this speaks true about who really is not what I thought him to be.
Any more wise sayings anyone, I like the one that lady told you Stringer