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talaniman · Apr 12, 2008, 08:49 AM

My lawyer told me to keep my cool and not to let him get me ruffled.

Your lawyer is right, as you have a big advantage here, and its yours to lose. Keep doing what your doing, and let her hang herself. As long as the kids well being comes first, YOU Can't LOSE! What a piece of work you married!

familyman20 · Apr 12, 2008, 07:28 PM

NO kidding! I can't believe the difference between the way I feel about her now, and the way I felt about her 75 posts ago. I guess love is truly blind. I just gave this woman the benefit of every doubt over the years. I would have done anything to keep my marriage and family together. C'est la vie(sp?)

Now on to another unsettling matter. I just received a letter from my lawyer that she is having a scheduling conflict on the day of my hearing. She said that unless I hear from her I will need to attend the hearing (I'm assuming alone). Is this common? For a lawyer to be unavailable for a major hearing seems unlawful. I have so much at stake here! Would a judge really make me attend this hearing without counsel?

I am hoping that the conflict gets resolved. It just seems logical that the hearing will be rescheduled.

This is not what I need right now. The stress of the divorce is enough without the possibility of my lawyer going AWOL. We have so much ammo prepared for this hearing. If I have to do it solo it might all get shot down by the "snake". The ironic thing is that a part of me would love to be able to go in there and kick some @## . I know this case just as well, if not better than my lawyer. It would be a huge risk.

Another wait and see situation!

talaniman · Apr 12, 2008, 08:10 PM

Take tactic from her book, and reschedule.

familyman20 · Apr 15, 2008, 08:07 PM

OK, well the hearing went on as planned. The initial step was the judge asking why we hadn't been to mediation and then saw the report about the ex never replying to the mediator. The ex stuttered as she tried to come up with some lame excuse, and the judge would here nothing about it. I mean the judge got furious. She reminded her that she was under oath and that any more lies and there would be trouble.

THEN, the issue of her three week period of no contact came up. She tried to pin the rap on me stating that I never brought the kids to her when it was her custodial period. The judge asked again, "where were you?", she kept dodging the question. Then my lawyer reminded her that she was under oath and that we really would like to hear her reasons for being out of contact. She finally began to explain that she was having work related issues and that her system would not allow her to make phone calls or emails. My lawyer then just got fed up with the ex's perjury and dropped the bomb, "she was out of touch your honor because she was incarcerated on a felony fraud charge.

You should have seen the judges expression. The ex's lawyer grew silent. The ex began to ramble off some excuse that she never got the warrant notice because it went to a previous address of hers. Her claim was it was a bogus charge and she will be expunged this week. (The judge did not buy it. I don't buy it either. How easy is it to get out of a felony charge for passing bad checks?)The judges point anyway was that the ex was lying, which was just as bad as the actual arrest.

The other attorney was treading while my lawyer was kicking some tail. I finally felt like the courts were on the side of the man.

Up to this point the ex had the kids every weekend. But now, the judged ordered that I get them every third weekend. The ex was previously slated to have the kids the majority of the summer. But now we will share the kids trading off every Sunday. (I did tell the judge that I would compromise and take the kids one weekend a month instead. My lawyer looked at me like I was crazy. I wanted to show the court that I am a reasonable and fair person. Hopefully this will help me in the long run for more custodial rights if we go to trial. Or maybe I just shot myself in the foot!).

I still get to have them during the school year as well. So now the kids will be with me roughly 65% of the time.

I didn't intend to gloat here, but I am floating on a cloud right now. I know these things don't last in divorce court. There are still rocky roads ahead. We still have mediatioin and possibly a trial. But I am going to enjoy the victory for now.

talaniman · Apr 16, 2008, 06:21 AM

Definitely don't gloat as things did go rather well, and you have more than enough evidence in the record, as being the responsible parent, and there is no need to over play your already good hand to show the judge, or anyone else anything. But a small victory , is so sweet after all you have been through. Congrats on bringing forth the truth. Much Luck the rest of the way.

familyman20 · Apr 24, 2008, 06:06 AM

My jaw dropped to the floor when I got the news that her newest lawyer (the snake) had become her ex-newest lawyer. Apparently when a client severely perjures oneself to the courts and to one's attorney there is an ethics code that states the attorney must step down from the case... and he did.

Another rule I learned about was that there is a ceiling on the amount of questions allowed in the interrogatives. It is 22 in my state. They have been sending me envelope after envelope with interrogatives of questions that are irrelevant to the case. They are meant to harass me and to trump up my attorney fees. She also sent an affidavit ranting about all the miserable things I have done and how I am a rotten parent! It makes for some real good reading.

My lawyer said that we already answered 16 with her first lawyer, so we will only answer 6 more and then file a protective order with the court. And we will file to recover atty fees related to this issue and all the contempt issues that she has caused during the divorce.

Meanwhile, she has missed her last three visitations, has popped into the kids school without my knowledge (including taking them to a counselor without my knowledge), continues to talk bad about me in front of the kids, is now facing the prospect of hiring her fourth lawyer in as many months, owes money to everyone, lives in her boyfriends home where there is the uncertainty of future stability for the kids, and so on...

Our next move is mediation. The mediator is a well respected ex-judge. The ex has already blown off the first attempt by the mediator to get us together. And she called the mediator a lier in court, stating that she never got any messages. So I feel confident that I can get a fairly good custody arrangement. One that is fair, but still gives me a larger percentage of the custody. Of course there is no way the ex will accept anything but 50/50 so I am already preparing for the home study. If anyone has suggestions for the mediation and the home study I am all ears. Thank you.

That's the latest Kind Regards

startover22 · Apr 24, 2008, 10:37 AM

Familyman, I just wanted to pop in here and tell you how HAPPY I am for you. Nice work, you stick to your guns! :)

talaniman · Apr 24, 2008, 10:59 AM

I am not surprised by your recent successes, as its your exes loss. Keep up the good works for those kids, and I'm glad for you. Thumbs up!

familyman20 · Apr 27, 2008, 07:35 PM

I noticed the other day that it has been exactly one year since my first post. It is amazing to see what the difference a year makes. Even though life seems to move faster with each passing year, the difference between the past 365 days is huge. So, I went back and reread this thread to gain some perspective. I feel a little silly to see how naïve I was
Allowing myself to be. I wanted so hard to believe that things could work out that I was willing to bear the whole burden of our troubled marriage. In a way I still wish I could have saved my marriage and kept the family together, but realistically, knowing what I know now, I am fortunate that it turned out this way. Actually, things did work out. But not the way I would have guessed. I think you all knew that there was no way this woman was going to come around, yet you gave me the hope and encouragement I needed at the time. My hat's off to you for your wisdom.

So things are different. I am finally beginning to feel human again. Like life is a good thing. A year ago I didn't think it was possible. And due to the recent events I am confident that I will be a huge part of my children's lives.
That alone gives me intensely great emotions.

The next few months will be, hopefully, the last few months of being married to her. We still have mediation, home evaluations, and, more than likely, a stressful trial. Time will tell how the chips will fall.

It has been an arduous year. However, I believe there are seeds of benefit in every misfortune. Among the benefits of my saga is this thread, where I have had the luck and pleasure of receiving the support and insight of some real, compassionate people to whom I am eternally grateful... Talaniman you are a sage. Delilah you are an angel (on earth), and vLee, Mom of 2, Startover22, tawnynkids,Yelodasy you all make this website the most worthwhile and invaluable place in cyberspace. Cheers!

Another benefit is that my kids are in a great school... together!

startover22 · Apr 27, 2008, 08:46 PM

Familyman says: So things are different. I am finally beginning to feel human again. Like life is a good thing. A year ago I didn't think it was possible. And due to the recent events I am confident that I will be a huge part of my children's lives.
That alone gives me intensely great emotions.

Familyman, this puts a smile on my face! You should feel anything but silly. :) You were given a situation and you took the bull by the horns! Good for you! You should feel like a man for one, and a good one at that. It shows in everyone of your posts, you fought for what you love! Thank goodness for men like you! Keep up the great work, and please keep us posted!

Delilah P · Apr 27, 2008, 10:54 PM

Bravo familyman2!! Can you hear me clapping from here? What a great job you have done to stay calm and act like a responsible adult and parent. You took it slow and sure and never let down your guard... and because of that, things may just work out the way you want them to. It would be hard from here to think that the courts could go anyway but to you for stability. Most parents would have 'lost it', but you stayed the course. You mentioned re-reading your earlier posts and thinking how naïve you were. No, you were not naïve. You were going though something traumatic that you never thought possible or that could have happened to you. You asked all the right questions and thankfully, found some sound advise from many of the folks here. You built on that and you get the credit for building on the information you had received. I am SO pleased that you feel stronger now and fully realize that life IS good! You're children can only benefit from seeing how you have handled yourself thus far.. and how you strive to keep their daily life as normal as it can possibly be. Once again, not to sound overly dramatic, but BRAVO! I hope you continue to keep us informed. Though I don't post as often as I had, rest assured that I do keep up daily here and do look for your updates. I'm keeping positive thoughts for you, familyman2. I think it's all going to work out fine. :-)

talaniman · Apr 29, 2008, 12:57 PM

Through all of this your kids came first, that makes you a REAL MAN. That's what your kids needed. (the world could stand more like you) Much Luck in the future.

familyman20 · May 14, 2008, 12:52 PM

Hi all, checking in for some thoughts:

The ex has done the same thing again that is very frustrating. Her custody time is Wednesday from 4-8. Instead of telling me she can't make it, she will go into the kids school, bring them a toy and tell them she can't come. Then I don't find out until after school. If I have made plans they are ruined, and she knows this. This is wrong in more ways then one. She should not just pop into the kid's school, it is disruptive. She should inform me if she plans to go in the school out of courtesy. And she should NEVER bring them toys while they are supposed to be learning, much less bring them toys out of guilt for not being there for them. I have repeatedly asked the ex to give me direct information and not use the kids as messengers but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. Should I contact my lawyer about this? Or am I overreacting and being petty?

Other than that all else is normal. Mediation is at the end of May.

startover22 · May 14, 2008, 12:59 PM

You can overcome this set back. Oh my gosh look at all the worse stuff you have gone through;)
Your plans were messed up, but guess what, what those kids see is a father, a man doing right and a mother that is not. They will remember these times, I promise! I know I did!
Hugs familyman, you are still on the right road!

familyman20 · May 14, 2008, 01:52 PM

Touché Startover22. Thanks for that. You are right, I am looking at this as bonus time with the kids. I would much rather have them and my plans botched than to not have them and follow through with my plans. I still wish she would have a little more respect and consideration, but that is a tall order!

You say they will remember these time, you did. What do you mean by that? Do you remember this with your parents, or do your kids remember this with you? At what point did these revelations happen? Just curious...

startover22 · May 14, 2008, 02:02 PM

My parents split when I was 5... I saw my mom once when I was 9, once when I was 15 and again when I was 32, and again when I was 33. I am still 33 (being 5 it is hard to remember but I do) I remember being connected to my mothers hip, I didn't even let her pee with out me bugging her, I loved her. She loved me. She and my dad got a divorce, my mom lived in the same town for a little under a year, but then she left never to return.
I never ever thought it was my business to ask what happened. All I do know is that my Dad took us all (4)on. He could have let my mom take us, but he knew it wouldn't be good, even though I am sure it killed him to have motherless children. I remember that and always will. I remember my mom being flaky and not giving us the attention we needed when we did see her (when she lived in town)
Family man, you are a man of honor, you just keep that up and when your kids are 33, they will (I hope) know nothing but the love and strong parenting you Family man gave them. You give them security and structure. They have to know they had some one to count on, and that will be you;)

(what is this, therapy for start day or what?)

familyman20 · May 14, 2008, 04:53 PM

Yes it's therapy! Feel better? Sounds like you have a great dad. What you went through is something I swore would never happen to any child that I brought into this world. I made my feelings very clear to my wife (girlfriend at the time) while she was pushing for marriage and a family. This is the issue that really burns me because I thought she understood just how serious I was, and that she felt the same way. Live and learn...

talaniman · May 14, 2008, 06:16 PM

Hi guy, I see she still doesn't have a clue, but your behavior is outstanding, and your kids are so lucky. Glad to know there are still REAL MEN in the world. You can handle this latest escapade, but document them, and make sure your lawyer knows everything. Continued luck.

sylvan_1998 · May 15, 2008, 01:44 PM

Wow, just caught up on this saga... Bring these visitation issues to the attention of the principal and the mediator. I am sure they will broker a solution best for the children and it will not be coming from you.

Good luck and can hardly wait for the dissolution... as I feel strongly you will surely get a favorable one.

familyman20 · May 16, 2008, 05:31 AM

Thanks again for the support and advise you all. I have documented every visitation since the beginning of September '07. I'll bring this to mediation, and fax a copy to my lawyer.
The mediation is in a couple weeks, and the trial (or hearing) will be in mid July. If mediation fails there will be a home study. The final hearing is set for mid August. It's all coming to a head and hopefully I will be legally rid of her by September.