[ScottGem]

I agree, this will allow your ex to postpone matters until she obtains new counsel. This leaves you in the same position until she does. I don't know if this is good or bad for you. If you need to hurry things, your attorney can try to hurry things.

[familyman2]

I understand what you all are saying. I guess the delay might help me, being that the longer the kids are in school here the less likely a judge will allow the ex to remove them.

My question is a hypothetical one: Being that this is a small town and all lawyers and judges know each other, how big of a negative effect can this have on the exes case?
Won't other lawyers be hesitant to take on such a client? Is this something that happens often, where a lawyer essentially fires a client? I've never heard of it. How would you handle this situation if you were me? Are there ways to use this to your advantage?

Incidentally, we have filed with the court to have an expedited hearing to address this issue. Hopefully, we can get this rolling before another attorney enters the case.

I'm walking through the dark here, and learning as I go...

Take care!

[talaniman]

There is always a lawyer to take her case, but they may require a big retainer. LOL! Your correct in assuming this helps your kids stay in school, but don't get comfortable, or cocky at this point in time. I put nothing past your ex.

[familyman2]

OK... here's another strange twist...

My ex-to-be has seemingly vanished! She brought the kids back on Tuesday the 19th, and I have not seen nor heard from her since. I emailed over the course of the subsequent days relating to child issues and schedules. I didn't get any response. Then she didn't show up for her Tuesday visitation. Then the weekend came and another no show. Her sister called to see if I could bring them to her (claiming that my ex was coming home late).
I was very skeptical. The kids ended up staying with me anyway because they were invited to a local sleepover. I had emailed my ex during the week in reference to it, without one response. I ended up having them the whole weekend. Her sister called again Saturday morning to ask if I was bringing them to their karate class. I asked her where my ex was and she said that she was probably at her house. (Can you smell a cover up here?). I called the house... no answer, I called her sister back... no answer...

Then she missed more child visits this past week. And now it is another Friday, and I am supposed to bring the kids to her for the weekend. But she still hasn't returned any emails or calls. The kids will remain with me until this mystery is resolved. I can't call her family because they won't give me a straight answer; or the truth.

So I am baffled. She is in the middle of a pretty bitter divorce. She has not paid me the money the courts ordered her to pay. She has not paid her atty, who has recently withdrawn from the case. And now we are approaching the mediation stage.
She has picked a bad time to go AWOL. By not keeping me informed as to her whereabouts and by blowing off her custody time this can't look too good on her resume.

I guess it is ironic to be very concerned, however.

[talaniman]

Weird, for sure, but you did right keeping the kids with you, and not listening to anyone else, as no telling what's up. She may just have needed a break after all those downturns she has been through. This is when you have to be more cautious, and alert.

[familyman2]

Cautious and alert in the sense this could be a game she is playing? Or that she is planning to run off with the kids, or spinning this against me, etc..

If she is taking a break it is a break from her kids as well, and I personally would view this as anything but a break. But she can be irrational, so anything is possible.

Has she been incarcerated, or institutionalized, or severely injured? Who knows... I really hope it isn't the later.

[talaniman]

It could be anything. I hope its not serious, but be alert as her history suggest she is devious.

[Delilah P]

Definitely something is going on and her sister knows what it is since she has called you. Your sister-in-law even said she would be arriving home late and/or was probably at home. For whatever reason, your soon-to-be-ex-wife is in touch with her sister. Have you alerted your attorney to what has been going on.. for the record? Yes, I agree.. she definitely has been devious in the past, so you must be careful. Keep your attorney updated. Don't allow anyone else to have your children unless it is clearily specified in writing somewheres that you are to do so. Make sure your children know NOT to go off with anyone while at school (when not in your sight). Please keep us updated.

[familyman2]

Right... I will not take my eyes off them. Great idea about getting in writing as to where I should take them. I don't think I will accept letting them go with anyone but my ex.
I did leave a message for my lawyer on Friday. She is very difficult to reach, but at least there is a record I called in referernce to this latset issue.

I called her sister again yesterday, and tried to get an answer. Her response was that she doesn't really speak with her sister much because their relationship is not very good. This may be true but I find it hard to believe that she is unaware as to her sister's whereabouts.
She also said it was my fault for not droppong my kids off with her last weekend (the accorn.. ). I just let that one go. I kept pushing for an answer but got nothing.
I am considering filing a missing person's report. Maybe they will get some answers.

If my ex happens to just return to earth and ask for the kids, what should I do? What questions do I ask if any? Do I just return them with no questions asked? Do I return them without getting something in writing, etc..

[talaniman]

Beyond the agreed upon visitations, just say no. I doubt she will give any answers. Letting your lawyers know what has happened is prudent, and assuming she still works, you will always be able to track her down. Just do your homework, and be discreet in what you do. Be a good idea, to know something about this fellow. I honestly feel she was just going through her sister, to get her kids for a regular visit, and keep her whereabouts, secret from you, but staying alert, can't hurt.

[familyman2]

My lawyer said to go on about my business and enjoy the kids. The ex is an adult (supposedly), and is responsible for her own actions. While this may be true the fact remains that she is missing. Is she in jail? The hospital? In hiding? Building up a plan?

Who knows!

The fact also remains that she has a vehicle that is in my name. I have paid the last 6K on this, plus insurance. Shouldn't I be concerned about the car too? My lawyer says not to worry about anything, but she isn't paying for a missing vehicle. I suppose it will all play out at some point when and if the ex returns. It is just difficult to be shelling out that cash as well as paying for a mortgage, rent, lawyer, kids, etc... There's got to be some kind of relief offered by auto loan companies. :} yeah right!

Bottom line: I love having my kids full time. This is great. I guess... I would like to know how long the ex will be gone, so I'm not wondering from day to day when this dream will end. Don't get me wrong, I am still concerned for the ex's well being. I hope she isn't hurt. Anything short of that is more than likely what she deserves.

[familyman2]

Guess who came back from the dead?

She did it in typical fashion too. Instead of letting me know she was back and the wheres and the whys, she just went into the kid's school to tell them she was back and would pick them up after school. She used the kids as messengers! She told the kids she was in the hospital with a blood infection. She couldn't call the kids because she left her phone at work. (I didn't realize hospitals don't have phones!). It is also odd that her sister, who lives four miles away was unaware that she had been in the hospital for two plus weeks.
This is a fishy story at best. She also told the kids that (if) I had dropped them off with her sister last weekend they would have been able to see their friend, and would also have been able to know where she was. Fishy... She is using and manipulating the kids like a pro.

I'm not sure if it matters whether she is lying as to where she was. If she was in the hospital or jail or on a vacation is not as significant as the fact that she did not communicate with me. How can I trust her to be a competent and reliable coparent?

I alerted my attorney about this and she asked if I wanted to modify the court order to restrict her visitations until the final hearing. I think I should, but I would also like to try to become the kid's legal custodian.

[Delilah P]

It seems pretty irresponsible to me that this mother, who supposedly loves her children, would not find SOMEWAY to contact them over the course of two weeks. The children depend on consistency.. and if 'Mom' usually picks them up on so and so day at a specific time... they count on it. Then suddenly she's not there and WITHOUT an explanation? With the turmoil their young lives are already going through, the last thing they need is a parent not 'being there' for them (in more ways than one). They could think she could do that again in the future. Yes, I agree... a very lame excuse not having access to a phone to contact ANYONE? Couldn't she have asked the nurse to call.. a visitor visiting the patient in the next bed... her sister.. a hospital pay phone... her lawyer? What if she had the kids with her when she developed this blood infection... where would they have gone? In my opinion, she didn't seem too concerned. A mother is like a pit bull.. a raging bear.. when it comes to protecting her children and looking after their welfare. Disappearing for two weeks and not contacting them through some way shows a huge lack of concern, in my humble opinion. Stepping down off my soapbox now. I hope you get total custody, familyman2. I would think this last shenanigan on her part would work in your favor. Just my 2 cents.

[familyman2]

My thoughts exactly Delilah. I still don't believe the hospital story. It doesn't add up. Maybe she went in for a day or two, but not two weeks. It's likely she went on a trip but didn't want all the people to whom she owes money to know about it (especially her ex-lawyer, who withdrew from the case due to non-payments and atty/client issues).
She could have received a week or so in the slammer for a bench warrant, or something else, that caught up with her. In any event it was irresponsible. Who knows what her next special event will be... but I'm taking bets!

One last thing. I treat this thread like a journal so I need to write for therapeutic reasons. There is never a need to reply, but I always, always appreciate the support and wisdom I get from my e-guardians... most of all from Talaniman and Delilah. You two have been walking with me the whole way. You're great karma!

So to end my daily diary, I was a little peeved when I dropped off my kids this evening. I pulled into the driveway and got out of the car to let them out. I forget what was said first, but then my son got out and said I wasn't allowed in the house! I don't care if my ex doesn't want me in her house, I do care when she tells my kids this. She doesn't get it that this effects the kids more than it effects me.
It's more attempts on her part to sabotage my relationship with my kids. I was put off at first, but then I realized that she is losing the battle and all she has left are cheap shots.

And she will NEVER take away the bond I have with my two angels.

[familyman2]

It seems as though she WAS in jail. She was picked up and detained in one state, and then was extradited to the state where she was a "fugitive from justice". Not quite sure how long she was in, and what the exact charges were, but I assume it was a 10-14 day lock up for passing bad checks.

I kind of feel sorry for her on one hand. It must have been a terrible ordeal. But hopefully this will get her to be a little, I mean a lot, better at paying her debts.

On the other hand I would like to use this info to get legal custody. I want to be tactful about it, and not boastful. In a humble way I just want to point this out as a firm reason why I should be the decision maker for the kids. I'll pass this to my lawyer and see how she handles it.

[familyman2]

The hearing went well yesterday. The judge ordered her to pay me back for the car payments I have been making on her car.

She got a new lawyer. Some loud mouth guy. He began with her two days ago and was professing to know the entire case. He doesn't realize the lies she made on her statements and evidence report. He is backing her up 100% without really knowing the truth. My lawyer said he was just blowing smoke.

The biggest lie of them all goes like this: On Nov 5th, she owed me $4715 for car payments and other reimbursements. She sent my daughter into my home with two checks, one for $1500 and one for $1200. She had a note accounting that this was all she owed me. I ripped up the checks in little pieces and handed them back to her. I said she has to pay what the court ordered, not what she feels is the correct amount.

This issue was brought up at a hearing in January. She stated that she paid me checks for $1500 and $1800. (a lie) and still short of what she owed at the time. So it was established that she still owed me that amount.

OK, so yesterday at the hearing, we got a copy of the checks (exibit A). This was so funny. It was obvious that she just wrote new checks and ripped them up. First of all she got the date wrong. It was nov 5th, but her check was written for nov 7th. Also the checks were ripped in four even sized pieces. There were other tell tale signs, but her lawyer was adamant that these were the originals. He doesn't realize he is being had. My lawyer said it is no big deal. The issue was closed anyway. I want to get that lawyer to see he was wrong. I am thinking of asking to get a finger print test done. I want him to see he has a deceptive client. This will lower his trust in her testimonies and should help my cause.

What do you think. Any other ideas?

[talaniman]

In the future please keep any documentation, such as checks and receipts, and make sure the lawyer has copies. Her lawyer doesn't care about anything but his fees, and the outcome is not his worry, so forget THEIR motives, and actions, and do as your lawyer says, FORGET revenge, her actions are irrelevant. Act in the best interest of your kids, and Protect them from BS, in other words, keep your cool, no matter what she does. Taking the high road, will get you through this, so do not stoop to her level, or take your eyes off the real goal, a healthy, caring life for you and your kids. As always much luck.

[familyman2]

Agreed. And I was already wrist slapped by my lawyer for not making copies of the checks. In my feeble defense, she blind sided me. It was 8AM Monday morning. I am shuffling about getting the kids ready to take to school. It was then that the ex delivered the checks. She knew I was very busy, and it was too early to contact my lawyer. I just didn't feel I had time to copy these. In hind sight I blew it. But I was also concerned that if I took the checks than it would possibly mean I accepted her accounting. If I just handed the checks back she would have cashed them and said she paid up. The only thing I thought to do was to rip them up so small she couldn't tape them up. This was the last time I let her get to me. I learned from it, and have not taken any of her bait since then.

By the way, she has told her ex-lawyer, and her new lawyer that she was in the hospital for the past two weeks. She doesn't know that we know the truth.

Anyway, I guess I was looking to get proof that she rewrote new checks so it would get her lawyer thinking twice about her claims. And then when we get to the custody hearing in April we can unload the truth about her true whereabouts. It will make her and her lawyer look pretty bad in front of the judge.

I am not looking for revenge. I AM trying to get the best custody arrangement for the kids.
Doesn't this all tie together? If we can show her irresponsible and deceptive nature wouldn't that give me the edge in getting the proper custody? I am all for taking the high road. I never talk bad about her in front of the kids, nor do I ever put them in the middle of our divorce. But when the other side isn't playing fair, shouldn't we take every advantage we can get (bad checks, lies, jail, etc)?

[talaniman]

There is no need to take advantage, since she is going to hang herself. That's the sweetest outcome, as I see it, when the enemy shoots themselves. And she will. Stay alert though.

[familyman20]

Hi, I am now Familyman20 because I got a new email address.

Anyway, Talaniman you were right. She continues to amaze us.

Last week she was three hours late for her visitation, and this week she never made it. She called last week saying she would be late, and then again, and then again. Finally she shows up with one hour left of visitation. This time she called right at the time she was supposed to be here, saying she was tied up and running late. I asked when she thought she would be here and she said she didn't know and asked to talk to the kids. They were outside playing so I said I would let them know she was running late. She asked for me to have the kids call her. I said I would. I gave the kids the news and then played the clean up role... again. I need to calm them and assure them that it is not their fault. I got fed up with this and then took the kids to the park. I figured she would call back when she had an idea of an ETA. She never called back and never showed up.

Was I wrong not to have the kids call her? Every time she is late she gives the kids some sob story and gets them upset. I wanted to protect them from this, so I gave them the news of her status instead. They handled it fine and we had a great time. Why should I have risked that by letting her upset them. If she wants to talk to them or have them call her it can be under normal circumstances, not when they are wondering why their mom hasn't come for them. I had no intentions of hurting her by keeping her from talking to the kids. Although I am sure she is thinking this. These things are always my fault. Whatever I do is the crime. But she never realizes that she is the catalyst for the conflict. If she would have just showed up when she was supposed to show up, or at least kept us informed, there would have been no need for me to do what I thought was best for the kids; right or wrong... sensible or not.

Finally, at our last hearing in February the judge ordered us to mediation. The mediator called me to set up a date for the meeting. I said I could make myself available at her convenience. We settled on this coming Monday. I told her I would be there ready and willing to negotiate. However, the mediator called yesterday to cancel the mediation because she never got a reply from the ex. She said she was going to tell the courts that I was cooperative and available, but the respondent was not reachable. Our next status hearing is next week and I will assume that the judge will be angry that the mediation never took place. She wants to move these things along. I just hope she doesn't get mad at me as well. Or maybe this will work in my favor... we'll see!

This also could be a sign that the ex wants to go straight to a trial.

Right now I am just asking to be the legal custodian for the kids. I am not try to get sole physical custody (perhaps 60/40). But I want to make the major decisions for these kids.
The cards are stacked against the dad, but this could be an exception. In any event I am cautiously optimistic and on alert for any of her tricks. Her new lawyer is a real obnoxious snake. He is buying all of her testimonies. My lawyer told me to keep my cool and not to let him get me ruffled.

So, wish me luck. I'll post again after the hearing.