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Ash123 · Oct 2, 2007, 06:25 PM

Sometimes people Really can be friends... It's not the worst thing in the world.
One day you can have another love and perhaps an old friend.

talaniman · Oct 2, 2007, 07:22 PM

Sad soul, all due respect, you can lie to me, but not to yourself!!

Sad Soul · Oct 2, 2007, 11:20 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Sad soul, all due respect, you can lie to me, but not to yourself!!!

In what sense? About me being ready to see him? Because I'm admitting I'm confused about whether I should. Please rip me apart if you have any theories; I appreciate your advice. I appreciate everyone's advice.

Ash123 · Oct 3, 2007, 08:09 AM

Well, It's over.

And what Tal said is right. If you are "confused" about your feelings you are lying to yourself. You are telling yourself that there is another chapter.

ConfusedandLost · Oct 3, 2007, 08:17 AM

Your going have to stop filling yourself with this false hope. In all honesty... I would separate myself from him for now and work on YOU. Once you control all of that "confusion" that you have is when you will be ready to be friends. That would be only the halfway point... regain YOU again. Then work on finding that meaningful relationship... only then, when your in a healthy relationship again is when you MAY be able to be friends... your emotions are a mixed bag right now... time will help...

Sad Soul · Oct 3, 2007, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by Ash123

Well, It's over.

And what Tal said is right. If you are "confused" about your feelings you are lying to yourself. You are telling yourself that there is another chapter.

No Ash, I'm not confused about whether I love him or not. I do love him. But I'm not depressed about the breakup like I use to be. Like, I actually don't cry at all anymore because I know I'll be fine with him, but that I would be fine without him too.

But I am confused about whether I should see him or not "yet". I wonder if all my emotions will rush back if we meet up in person. And then I'm looking at all the pros and cons of not meeting up, etc.

These were the things I was confused about lately... mostly at least.

Sad Soul · Oct 3, 2007, 08:35 AM

Originally Posted by ConfusedandLost

Your going have to stop filling yourself with this false hope. In all honesty......I would separate myself from him for now and work on YOU. Once you control all of that "confusion" that you have is when you will be ready to be friends. That would be only the halfway point.......regain YOU again. Then work on finding that meaningful relationship......only then, when your in a healthy relationship again is when you MAY be able to be friends........your emotions are a mixed bag right now.........time will help...

I guess I won't think about it until the time comes closer. He just started mentioning it a lot again lately to get together when he comes, and to visist him. He's even told me he knows what he's getting me for Christmas. I've said no so many times with the months of no contact.

And yeah, Confusedandlost, I've been working on myself. Life has been getting better and better, and I've been getting healthier and healthier.

I've been a little confused about meeting up with him when he visits because I wonder if it would set me back? And I'm confused about whether I'm blocking us getting close again (because we have been drifting apart in some senses). So far half of the people I know say not to, and then the other half say to meet up with him.

Anyway, thanks so much Confusedandlost.

Ash123 · Oct 3, 2007, 09:33 AM

Well... Meet him.

Take away the fantasy and move on.
You may need to face reality one last time.
You are fixated, so nothing like a little reality to help budge you.

holeinheart21 · Oct 3, 2007, 06:40 PM

Sometimes, you never know what you've got, until its gone right? This is very true and unbelievably realistic. But, unlike life, in love there are second chances, and in many cases, many more chances beyond that. Above anything, you must take one thing from this. You must realize that when you told him that you weren't ready for a relationship now, you were taking your priorities in to consideration. This is a strength that many people do not possess. This is an ability which many do not possess. We find ourselves more often, falling in to a relationship head over heals, falling in love, and devoting every ounce of ourselves to this person. We forget about friends, we forget about things that we do for fun, we forget about the necessary alone time that we need in order to avoid overcrowding the other person... and more than likely, these things all lead to a heartbroken ending. You were being honest with this person. The other person should have seen that as a very, very honorable thing and should have been grateful for that.

You know how people always say, "....the right place at the right time."? You must realize that all things in life, love included, are based on timing. If you have ever seen the movie "sliding doors", you will understand what I mean better. Every millisecond can portray a different outcome in our lives. It is as though we live inside the children's books which portray alternate endings, depending on the pages we choose to turn to... It's the difference between making our flight and missing it... if you had only made that green light 2 seconds earlier instead of catching the red light. We get angry at not catching the red light and making the flight, but what we fail to realize is that there are many events which actually lead to you catching the red light, and you made all these decisions for a particular reason. If you had only known that if you made certain decisions, you were going to catch the red light and miss the flight, you would have made different choices... but WE WILL NEVER know what color the light will be when we get there. If you hadn't stopped for the cup of coffee at McDonald's you would have made it... if you had just stuck with the brown dress instead of the blue dress, you would have made it... if you hadn't blown your hair dry, you would have made it more quick to getting the dress on, which would have led to getting the coffee earlier, and would have led to you catching the green light. But, even though you missed the flight, you still went on the next one, and life went on and you began to follow a different course... it's like you decided to turn to page 78 instead of page 96... so now you will follow the path that lies ahead.

The problem you are having though, by keeping in contact with him, is that even though you turned to page 78, you are now trying to figure out a way to get to page 96. Instead, you need to continue with the path you are on, and go on your way. You made that decision for a reason! At that TIME (remember everything is based on time), you weren't ready for a relationship. You can't hold that against yourself, because you were honest and in reality, you avoided what could have been a catastrophic relationship, since you weren't ready to give it your all. What you must realize though, is that, having made that decision, you will never get to page 96. That is not to say that you may never be with him again, but rather, it will be a matter or whether both of your paths lead to a common page, during a later chapter in the book of life.

I know that it kills you inside to go No Contact and not talk to him, considering the sweet things that he does, but you have to move on to the next page. He has another woman in his life, and therefore the sweet things that he does for you, are meant in a friendly manner and always will be, until he is no longer with her. Therefore, he can't fault you for choosing not to communicate with him. It is normal for you to have feelings for him, after all, you have always been on good terms with each other. What you need to do though for now though, is use those feelings you have for him, as a resource to help you pursue things you desire. Do your best not to think about him, keeping busy, and then gradually you may find it that you can communicate with him as a friend, without your feelings getting in the way. You must not be worried about him coming to find you if you discontinue contact with him... because he will never know when you are ready to communicate on a level in which you can put your feelings aside. Only YOU will know when you are ready. You must be able to keep those feelings for him deep in your heart, along with the possibility that you may someday get together. When you are able to keep them out of your mind and in your heart only, you will then be ready to communicate with him as friends... and on the off chance that he is single and wants more, then you can dig deep in your heart and let those feelings out. I have learned that the ability to control your inner emotions in this manner is what will prevent you from drowning yourself in over-thinking.

Just keep turning the pages of the path you are on, as he is continuing to turn his, and work on controlling your inner emotions, and who knows, maybe someday you will be able to send him a friendly pizza, or there is always the off-chance that you can eat a pizza together. You are strong as you represented by choosing not to get in to a relationship in the beginning... so search for that strength again, and focus your thoughts on yourself and your success for now, and keep busy, and you will begin to see things in a different light. Good luck!

trishette · Oct 7, 2007, 04:36 PM

SS, Relationships based on "feelings" are so often doomed. You still sound like you NEED this ex of yours. Your feelings are what got you into this dilemma in the first place. I, if anyone knows how much you WANT him and WISH he were back in your life. Until you come to the absolute realization that you do NOT need him, you will continue to drive yourself crazy. You have no control over what he does or doesn't do. If your going to insist on needing him so desperately as you sound, you will continue to suffer. My ex is back in my life because I let go and surrendered the whole situation to the LORD GOD. I continue to sort out the reasons for the driving him away and my trust issues. He too was seeing someone else. Did this hurt? You better believe it... yet there was nothing I could do about it. I turned the whole thing over and perservered in the hope (knowing) we would get another chance. When you do things God's way , He has the perfect plan. Give your heart a rest.

Sad Soul · May 2, 2008, 01:17 AM

I had posted about this a long time ago.

Me and my ex were best friends. We broke up quite some time ago and I've dated others since (so has he). He's moved away too. When he comes to town to visit, I don't see him, knowing that I need to fully get over our relationship prior to doing so.

Although there have been major improvements in my life and I'm not nearly as depressed about the split between us as I once was, I think I've relapsed a bit lately.

I don't tell him how I really feel anymore (for over a year now?). Once upon a time I tried everything to get him back, but despite all the love he felt for me as a friend, he eventually didn't feel the same any more. The reason why we broke up was because he had had enough. He went after me for a long while, but in those days, I wasn't ready for what he wanted. Now it's too late.

Every month or so, I get a call or message from him. He calls me and tells me he wanted to check up on me and that he's thinking about me (platonically, but I always sense that it's with a hint of more). It's become frequent again since I posted about this around seven months ago. In case you're curious, despite our profound love in terms of friendship, he's never once tried to cross the line physically since we've broken up. He's tried to get me to visit him, and has even sent me a ticket. Every time I politely turn this down for what's now been an assortment of reasons. This is because I fear that I'll arrive at his house and want to be in his arms forever. It's also because, despite me sensing that he will always feel a little more than friendship for me, I have to go with the facts. The fact is: we're still broken up, and he's never blatantly told me the he loves me more than friends again or that he wants to get back together. I think focusing on the "clearest" facts (even though I sense the ex still loves me more than your average friend) is what's best for survival.

Even though our buddies say he always asks about how I'm doing, and despite the fact that my ex makes sure that I know he loves me and thanks God that we're friends, I've maintained staying away because I know I might want more. By the way, I want you to know he is an amazing spirit. My parents, siblings, friends and everyone, absolutely love him. I just have to make that clear in case anyone thinks I'm dealing with a dog here (as some ex boyfriends/girlfriends that stick around can be).

He's coming to visit again soon. He's excited about seeing me after all this time. I'm not sure how to tell him that I don't think we should see each other. I don't want him to know that a part of me still loves him more than I should (I think I learned on this forum that it's best to avoid telling the ex that). I also don't want to chase him, nor do I want to cast any such aura.

I feel anxious even asking about this: but how do I stop him from calling or messaging me (to cut him totally out of my life or if I even should go that far)? The reason why I get anxious seeking advice on this, is because it feels like asking people, “what's the best way to part with my leg or arm?”

This is hard on my soul, but I know his calls/messages give me hope and prevent me from moving on. I can't bring myself to tell him the reasons I think he should stop. I don't know how to approach this, because it's like telling family to go away. I don't want to be rude or cruel. I almost want him to know that it's due to love, without even telling him that.?

I feel like I'm getting back to square one again in the healing process, or at least these past few days I've been feeling this way.

JBeaucaire · May 2, 2008, 01:57 PM

There is such a thing as being "too nice".

You want to get better, meaning get over him, meaning you two will never be together again, right? OK, if that is ACTUALLy true, then you do what you have to do to make it happen. Even if what you have to do falls into the category of uncomfortable or "not nice"... you do it.

Not doing it is dishonest, it's mean even. Letting him think there is no problem contacting you when there is is a lie. Letting him think there is some possible future for the two of you when there isn't is a lie. It's destructive to both of you to NOT do the things necessary to keep you two apart.

So, whatever has to happen to make the break permanent and complete... DO THAT! It may require some harsh words or steps on your part, but after that, it's done.

Do it, do it today, face the pain and discomfort and BE THE BAD GUY if you must to get it done, but get it done.

Lithean · May 2, 2008, 02:39 PM

OK. Make sure of what you want.

Let me tell you what happened to me... I was engaged to a wonderful, great person. I loved her a lot. Then out of the blue here comes my "love of my life" from 10 years ago. She begged me to give her a shot. Saying things like "ive loved you forever", "you need to be with me". Of course because you always think "what if"? I ended the engagement and tried things with her. THAT WAS A STUPID IDEA. Because the "love of my life" turned out not to be and the real "love" that I let go moved on. I destroyed my life because of a "what if"? Don't do the same. Find out what he wants and act on what you want. Life is to short. Avoid my situation. Act on what you want.

If it doesn't work. At least you'll never have an "what if"?

Milgie · May 3, 2008, 12:37 AM

Originally Posted by Sad Soul

I had posted about this a long time ago.

Me and my ex were best friends. We broke up quite some time ago and I've dated others since (so has he). He's moved away too. When he comes to town to visit, I don't see him, knowing that I need to fully get over our relationship prior to doing so.

Although there have been major improvements in my life and I'm not nearly as depressed about the split between us as I once was, I think I've relapsed a bit lately.

I don't tell him how I really feel anymore (for over a year now?). Once upon a time I tried everything to get him back, but despite all the love he felt for me as a friend, he eventually didn't feel the same any more. The reason why we broke up was because he had had enough. He went after me for a long while, but in those days, I wasn't ready for what he wanted. Now it's too late.

Every month or so, I get a call or message from him. He calls me and tells me he wanted to check up on me and that he's thinking about me (platonically, but I always sense that it's with a hint of more). It's become frequent again since I posted about this around seven months ago. In case you're curious, despite our profound love in terms of friendship, he's never once tried to cross the line physically since we've broken up. He's tried to get me to visit him, and has even sent me a ticket. Every time I politely turn this down for what's now been an assortment of reasons. This is because I fear that I'll arrive at his house and want to be in his arms forever. It's also because, despite me sensing that he will always feel a little more than friendship for me, I have to go with the facts. The fact is: we're still broken up, and he's never blatantly told me the he loves me more than friends again or that he wants to get back together. I think focusing on the "clearest" facts (even though I sense the ex still loves me more than your average friend) is what's best for survival.

Even though our buddies say he always asks about how I'm doing, and despite the fact that my ex makes sure that I know he loves me and thanks God that we're friends, I've maintained staying away because I know I might want more. By the way, I want you to know he is an amazing spirit. My parents, siblings, friends and everyone, absolutely love him. I just have to make that clear in case anyone thinks I'm dealing with a dog here (as some ex boyfriends/girlfriends that stick around can be).

He's coming to visit again soon. He's excited about seeing me after all this time. I'm not sure how to tell him that I don't think we should see each other. I don't want him to know that a part of me still loves him more than I should (I think I learned on this forum that it's best to avoid telling the ex that). I also don't want to chase him, nor do I want to cast any such aura.

I feel anxious even asking about this: but how do I stop him from calling or messaging me (to cut him totally out of my life or if I even should go that far)? The reason why I get anxious seeking advice on this, is because it feels like asking people, “what's the best way to part with my leg or arm?”

This is hard on my soul, but I know his calls/messages give me hope and prevent me from moving on. I can't bring myself to tell him the reasons why I think he should stop. I don't know how to approach this, because it's like telling family to go away. I don't want to be rude or cruel. I almost want him to know that it's due to love, without even telling him that. ?!

I feel like I'm getting back to square one again in the healing process, or at least these past few days I've been feeling this way.

OK.. you need to tell him how you feel for him, then if he says.. I'm sorry I don't feel that way abot you. Then say OK.. then I can't be in contact with you, it is hurting me too much to see you and not be able to be with you. Then if he realises that he is going to loose your friendship.. he might tell you how he really feels.. I think he does think about you as more than a friend. But I think he wants to stick by his guns and say its to late...

He knows he cares about you.. you just need to tell him.. and if he doesn't say it.. then he will realise he needs to back away and let you go on with your life.. as much as it will hurt.. you need closur

lmnotok · May 3, 2008, 12:43 AM

Why can't you be able to tell him what you think? Well, ask him what is his target of calling or messaging you. If he still says he cares about you as a friend then tell him to stop because it hurts you. It is that simple. Don't make things complex. Simply ask if you don't know, just ask directly!

talaniman · May 3, 2008, 10:04 AM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ow-126837.html

Hello again SS, this first post was from last September, and maybe you've made progress since then, but continuing to stay in touch, is doing more harm than good. He may be a really nice guy, but unintentionally his very niceness is hurting you. You needed more time then, and maybe you need a lot more NO CONTACT with him. Having said that, The other course of action, is to face up to him, tell him the truth about your feelings, and straight suggest he leave you alone to heal. He sees you as a friend, as with all his exes. But somewhere along the line you will have to learn how to cope with your feelings, and be able to do what's the best for you, that's why I hope you make this a face to face thing. May hurt, but may also teach you to be proactive in your own healing. I think after all this time, your strong enough to deal with it. Scary, huh?

Sad Soul · May 4, 2008, 03:47 PM

Thanks to everyone who posted their advice. I feel better not only after posting the question, but after gaining more insight through all the responses.

I love how the two first posts tell me to make sure this is actually what I want to do (if I truly want to cut all communication with the man). I'm guessing this is probably because my post reeks of me wanting to hold on.

In my heart I want to keep him, but that's not possible when I want more than I should. Everyone's right: JBeaucaire, Lithean, Milgie, Imnotok, and Talaniman, I have to be more proactive about this. And Tal, yes, it'll be very scary to do this face-to-face. I was hoping to do it all online.

I feel fine today. Funny how the mood goes up and down. But at least the rollercoaster isn't nearly as chaotic as it once was.