[Sad Soul]

It's been over a year now that it's been over. But about half of that year my ex and I have still clearly had an emotional attachment (talking about being confused and scared that we were breaking up, etc). I admit that on his part, it's been less. But I also admit that he's a better friend and is known for having a big heart in general.

I need help. This is all affecting me greatly; even though it's been more than a year and a half since he has left!

The problem is that he's a good friend…and sometimes this confuses me into thinking that there is hope.
He doesn't tell me he loves me or doesn't ever try to get close to me physically anymore (since we have broken up), but he goes out of his way to do things for me that show someone cares. For example, I was telling my friend that I had been studying so much that I didn't have time to even eat. My friend told my ex this, and as a result my ex asked her to make sure I'm home between a certain time, and had my favorite pizza delivered to my place. Or on my birthday a few months ago, he read me a poem he wrote about me. It was platonic and about how I was his best friend. He's just a big sweetheart, and I think that's what kills. He's visited twice more since then, I've made sure not to see him because it's emotionally overbearing. I haven't told him that that is the reason, but he knows it I'm sure.

I drove him away. I had said I didn't want a serious relationship (which is what I truly felt at the time). Now I am beating myself up over that. He wanted me in every way and even talked about moving away with him and being his forever. I couldn't help but feel that this is not what I wanted at the time (I was 22). He was hurt that he was moving and that I didn't want to be his; so he left and moved on without me. I missed him and still miss him like crazy. I realized how much I wanted him and loved him when he left. I was actually realizing this months before he was leaving! I tried to tell him months before he left that I had made a mistake, and I said I would move away with him, but he said he didn't understand where my emotions were coming from because for the past two years I had been pushing him away. I tried everything to show that I was in love with him and wanted him, but nothing worked.

Now he has a new girlfriend. He's been contacting me, but he still says he only cares about me as a friend. I miss him and love him dearly. I don't know what to do. I backed off these past 8 months. I never call him, message his phone, or even message him online. I want to respect him and leave him to be with his choice. For his birthday I really pushed him away and said I was too busy to see him. I feel horrible, but I know if I see him all I will want to do is cry in his arms...

I miss him and I love him so much. I know we are meant to be together. I wish that we could just love each other deeply at the same time. It's as if we have been taking turns. What do I do to get him back or make him see we are meant to be together? I've tried no contact, and it has had him seeking me out, but then it's faded when I respond or join in getting the communication going again. And no contact, I have to admit, makes me feel like a bad friend. He goes out of his way to do things for me or contact me and to show he cares, but I've been distancing myself because I've also been attempting to accept that we cannot be together. That's not what I want to do though! I just want to be in his arms. I'm confused as to what I should do. No contact has also made use grow apart... like he had a new phone number and I didn't know about it until he called me weeks after he got it. Or I moved to a new place and he never knew about it until he came to town. Etc, etc. We use to be first to know things about each other, but now we're last. This scares me.

[Capuchin]

Sorry to hear this. I have made a similar mistake in my life.

You made a mistake, learn from it. That's really all the advice I can give.

Keep in touch with him and love him as a friend. Maybe one day the circumstances will turn and you might be able to work towards being together again. But right now you can't. You need to move on in your life as he has in his.

Mistakes are worthless if we don't learn from them. This will start getting unhealthy for you if you don't start making moves to let go of him. This probably isn't what you want to hear. Sorry.

[mckenzie134]

Many people make mistakes, it's the way you handle it which defines you from others.

[thadevilsadvocate]

An easy way to realize the reason for everything happening, is to simply think of how we began as young children. We put certain things in our mouths that tasted terrible, but we learned not to ever put it in out mouths again. We went to places where we shouldn't have, and when we realized that it was a mistake since we got in trouble, we never went there again. This applies to everything that we have learned and will continue to learn throughout our lives. Almost everything that we learn and know, comes from, or came from trial and error... which is simply doing things, some right, some wrong, and learning from the wrong.

In your case, you gained many things from your relationship with your ex-bf, however, you probably don't see it as a gain... but what you gained, is the knowledge of the strength of love. Having gained this knowledge, you will be able to carry this on with you forever, and the next time you find someone you are that in love with (it could be someone else, or even him... don't wait around with expectations and high hopes though) you will use this knowledge to make sure you don't push them away, and will instead nurture the powerful love that you share with this person.

I know that it is hard to see this now, but eventually you will look back and realize this... be it that you wind up with him, or another person. You need to continue to live your life, do things that make you feel good about yourself, do things that you really enjoy, and continue to become a better person everyday. Seek for that knowledge of the strength of love that I was talking about, and once you realize that you have that knowledge, it will be apparent to others as well... but first you must realize it yourself. Then, as you continue to make yourself stronger, you will feel great about yourself, and realize that, if you ever see him again, you will take him by surprise... and on the off chance it doesn't take him by surprise... then you just brush it off, because no matter what he thinks, you will still be this great strong person that you created... and someone will be taken by surprise, and you will have the chance to do it right. We could spend all day trying to fix the mistakes in the world, but we would die before we even made any progress. So keep your head up... and most importantly, focus on yourself, and everything will naturally fall in place. Many people would die to have someone care about them, as you say you care about your ex... and if he won't be the one that appreciates it, the right person will, and they will make you feel appreciated in return. Keep your head up and let us know how things go over time with you. Take care!

[Sad Soul]

I feel like my worth value has come down in his eyes. I'm the "ex" that cannot even see him anymore as friends. His other 2 ex girlfriends do hangout with him and they are friends with him.

I have tried to hangout with him, but "not doing so" has made it a bit easier for me to accept the breakup...

These past few days have been very bad. I miss him.

[Capuchin]

Well, if it's too hard to be only friends with him, I think it's time to bandage it up and leave it to heal. You can't heal if you keep peeling off the scab.

I would recommend initiating no contact. In your situation I think it's okay to say goodbye to him, tell him it's too painful to only be friends with him because you want more. Tell him you can't be in his life in any way anymore. That you need to get over him.

It will take a very long time, but if you keep out of contact with him (and this will need you to be very strong at times), then it will heal eventually. Fill your life with friends and hobbies when you feel you can manage, you need to start moving on, start a new chapter. Live and Learn.

[talaniman]

The problem is that he's a good friend…and sometimes this confuses me into thinking that there is hope.

Unlike his other exes, you have not sufficiently healed from this relationship, and whether you had more emotions invested in him than you thought, you need more time to put this behind, and move on, as his very presence still tweaks some very intense feelings in you. Get out of his life for a while, and focus on just you, and your own happiness, until you can better deal with the feelings your holding on to. You just need more time.

[Ash123]

Danger. ABORT!!
You are in the friend ZONE!!
Fine, if thast works for you - but it doesn't... read on:

If you had read this you hopefully would have preserved some sanity: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

You are a luxury to him. An old trusted friend. IF you all are meant to be together, it is HIS responsibility, not yours. I DO believe in extending an olive branch ONCE (it has worked for me!) But you have extended a redwood....enough.

DO not feel guilty about getting a new life and see what life has in store for you. If it is meant to be - it will be - but please, please, please, pretty please with sweet-n-low on top, stop trying to rekindle this. That SLOWS it down.

I think some couples CAN reunite after deciding they are great friends and lovers - and fate takes over... but not until they both do their part... test the waters with a clear head. FLY be FREE!

Hugs from the internet...

[Jiser]

Honestly the best thing you can do is to stick with NC. Although real hard! In time maybe you can be friends or maybe more. You still have your whole life ahead of you, why rush? Hes still alive and so are you. Just means you will both have time to learn about the world and life etc etc.

Perhaps you made a mistake. Perhaps it can be rectified in the future but in your current emotional state I don't think anything can be made of it until you have healed.

[statictable]

If only our mouth was on a 10 second delay. Every one of us has no such fuxury.

[Jiser]

If only our mouth was on a 10 second delay. Every one of us has no such fuxury.

In what context? Sounds like you have regrets?

[Sad Soul]

Danger. ABORT!!
You are in the friend ZONE!!
Fine, if thast works for you - but it doesn't...read on:

If you had read this you hopefully would have preserved some sanity: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

You are a luxury to him. An old trusted friend. IF you all are meant to be together, it is HIS responsibility, not yours. I DO believe in extending an olive branch ONCE (it has worked for me!) But you have extended a redwood....enough.

DO not feel guilty about getting a new life and see what life has in store for you. If it is meant to be - it will be - but please, please, please, pretty please with sweet-n-low on top, stop trying to rekindle this. That SLOWS it down.

I think some couples CAN reunite after deciding they are great friends and lovers - and fate takes over....but not until they both do their part....test the waters with a clear head. FLY be FREE!!

hugs from the internet....

You know what Ash? Sometimes I worry that when I'm not coming to see him, as he's been asking when he comes to vist, or when I'm not returning his calls and text messages anymore... that I might be pushing him away when he's trying to get us "back together". Like for example, he did all these things for my birthday while he was living in England... but when he came back home for his own birthday, I didn't even come to see him or give him his gift. I thought it was too painful so I wouldn't respond to him. He also had called me many times from England, but I never once called him myself. I actually haven't called him "once" in over a year.

I fear this so much. But I've decided to not respond anymore to him because every time I did respond... I've had these thoughts that "maybe he does love me"... only to find that his love purely is only in the "friendship" sense. And this kills me... because I want more, and keep hoping for more.

So, what do I do? Do I continue to ignore his emails, phone calls, etc? Does this risk preventing us working at it, and getting back together? It seems to only be making us grow apart... like I said, he didn't even know that I moved, and I didn't even know his phone-number anymore, etc...

[Sad Soul]

Well, if it's too hard to be only friends with him, i think it's time to bandage it up and leave it to heal. You can't heal if you keep peeling off the scab.

I would recommend initiating no contact. In your situation I think it's okay to say goodbye to him, tell him it's too painful to only be friends with him because you want more. Tell him you can't be in his life in any way anymore. That you need to get over him.

It will take a very long time, but if you keep out of contact with him (and this will need you to be very strong at times), then it will heal eventually. Fill your life with friends and hobbies when you feel you can manage, you need to start moving on, start a new chapter. Live and Learn.

Yeah I've told him before that it's too painful to only be friends... and that I want it to say goodbye... but then he has initiated contact before telling me he misses me as a friend... and that he does not want this to be the last memory between us.

He loves me very deeply as a friend, but never more than one anymore. I haven't contacted him in over a year, but I use to respond to him contacting me.

Now I don't anymore... I feel guilty that even on his birthday I wouldn't see him when he came down to visit, especially when he was doing so much for me while he was in England. Am I pushing him away? Now I'm not responding to his text messages, phone calls, etc...

On his actual birthday date, he wanted me to come and have dinner with his family. He said that I was his only friend he wanted there before his birthday party on the weekend, which included all of his friends.

This confuses me into thinking there is hope... because he does at least love me "a lot" in some realm. But I didn't respond... I want to stop crying and longing for us to be together. And as I've said a million times, I feel that maybe me not responding or acknowleding these calls or messages anymore, is going to wedge us apart. I feel like not responding to him on his birthday was the final blow?

I've told him in the past that even though I want no contact, or if I stop talking to him, it's never about me "hating" him, but it's because I love him and need to move on. I hope he remembers that...

[Jiser]

Maybe its kind of a bad habit for him still contacting you. As said your in no state for a relationship at the moment, specially when he's in England! Away from you. This will give you ample time to learn if he's in a different country.

[Chery]

I've told him in the past that even though I want no contact, or if I stop talking to him, it's never about me "hating" him, but it's because I love him and need to move on. I hope he remembers that...

You've said and done all you could here... and I'm sure he has fond memories of you. The only problem is that YOU don't have fond memories of YOU..

If you still feel guilty that you did not celebrate his birthday with him, then this is something you have to work on. He had no control over this decision then and cannot make your guilt over it disappear.

It will also not do you any good to go through the 'what ifs'. It is time to learn to stand alone and like yourself.

We all learn something from every relationship we are involved with, so take the lesson learned and make sure you don't make the same mistakes in the future.

You need closure on this, so please work on it and good luck.

[Sad Soul]

He sent me a text today saying "what's up?"
Because I haven't heard from him in a long time, it was a bit of a shock to me. I actually cried because I was so happy to have that little communication with him... despite being the one to tell him we shouldn't talk anymore.

I'm not going to respond to it. I know I shouldn't because I'm still in love with him, but I also, like I've been saying, feel horrible because I can't be a good friend right now. I wish I was strong enough to just "switch" to being friends.

My girlfriend told me yesterday that her cousin and her boyfriend had been broken up for five years, and had no contact. The ex boyfriend emailed her cousin a few months ago, and now the two are getting married. When I heard this I started to cry. It sounded like the impossible.

[Capuchin]

Great! Keep it up. :)

[Chery]

[quote=Sad Soul]

I'm not going to respond to it. I know I shouldn't because I'm still in love with him, but I also, like I've been saying, feel horrible because I can't be a good friend right now. I wish I was strong enough to just "switch" to being friends.

Honey, some people are good 'just friends material'. Those type are usually not as emotionally involved as their partners in the first place. I'm not saying that he didn't love you, just saying there are different types of love. On a scale of 1 to 10.. his 10 might be your 5.. Depending on emotional growth.

My girlfriend told me yesterday that her cousin and her boyfriend had been broken up for five years, and had no contact. The ex boyfriend emailed her cousin a few months ago, and now the two are getting married. When I heard this I started to cry. It sounded like the impossible.

I am certain that their earlier relationship grew while they were apart. They both had a chance to develop and mature, achieve closure of the past, and liked how each has changed. Ask them what they went through and you'll probably be able to compare a few instances. What happened to them was time and growth.

So.. give time and growth a chance in your life. It might surprise you.

Work on what you'd like to see in the mirror.

[Ash123]

He sent me a text today saying "what's up?"
Because I haven't heard from him in a long time, it was a bit of a shock to me. I actually cried because I was so happy to have that little communication with him...despite being the one to tell him we shouldn't talk anymore.

I'm not going to respond to it. I know I shouldn't because I'm still in love with him, but I also, like i've been saying, feel horrible because I can't be a good friend right now. I wish I was strong enough to just "switch" to being friends.

My girlfriend told me yesterday that her cousin and her boyfriend had been broken up for five years, and had no contact. The ex boyfriend emailed her cousin a few months ago, and now the two are getting married. When I heard this I started to cry. It sounded like the impossible.

You are still in love. It's not a crime... But not healing is - to yourself.
If you all are to be - it will NOT be now... or any time close to now.
This guy needs to understand that this dynamic does not work for you.
PLEASE stop the contact.
If need be, tell him that being friends does not work for you right now, and it will one day.
AND you are so glad for the times you shared and look forward to one day being friends again after you have some time alone... or something like that - You WILL be very surprised who comes into your life from past or future once you go forward... That's what makes life happen. Going forward. Even while hurting... it's part of the heart prescription process .

You tried friendship - no go
You tried contact - no go

Now try another remedy, peace and quiet and breathing in your own needs...

Whhhhoooooohhhhhhhh: Breathe

[Sad Soul]

You are still in love. It's not a crime....But not healing is - to yourself.
If you all are to be - it will NOT be now...or any time close to now.
This guy needs to understand that this dynamic does not work for you.
PLEASE stop the contact.
If need be, tell him that being friends does not work for you right now, and it will one day.
AND you are so glad for the times you shared and look forward to one day being friends again after you have some time alone...or something like that - You WILL be very surprised who comes into your life from past or future once you go forward....That's what makes life happen. Going forward. Even while hurting....it's part of the heart prescription process .

You tried friendship - no go
You tried contact - no go

Now try another remedy, peace and quiet and breathing in your own needs....

Whhhhoooooohhhhhhhh: Breathe

I wish I could give you another point, but I have to spread some reputation first. Yes I love how you put that peace and quiet and breathing on my own is what's needed.

It's hard, but I'm working on it. It's off and on every day, but in general, the more I stop contact, the better I get.