[cerulean]

I guess my body reactions the last two days has been telling me something that I didn't know about him, and its all come out in the last two days too, with that woman calling out of nowhere. This is a nightmare. All this time I have been accused of doing phone sex and have defended myself unendingly because its not true and I had suspected then that anyone who kept accusing me of something I wasn't doing was in actuality the one guilty of doing it.

This is unreal to me. I still feel Im being put on.

[ordinaryguy]

Please, please, for your own health and safety, stop all contact with this man.

[cerulean]

Please, please, for your own health and safety, stop all contact with this man.

Well that was short and sweet.. Im still up thinking about this. He kept coming online and denying that he was having phone sex. He said he will sue this slanderous person in court.

He assumes Im going to work when Im in this mental state of having just found out. He assumes a lot.

If it wasn't happening to me, Id laugh.

A couple of friends are up now, Im telling them about it.

[cerulean]

more thoughts

I feel that now that Ive invested more time Ive gotten to know him better and gotten closer, now to separate is MUCH harder than I realize. It makes me feel like enduring a death, and I don't wish to "endure" anything, any longer.

This is difficult I know.

I still feel sorry for him, this is also making it rough.

[ordinaryguy]

... I was developing anxiety because of all he had put me through...

... I began to feel anxiety as a conditioned response to him becoming upset...

... its a conditioned response, I know, from all the BS he's put me through...

... I was shouting at the top of my lungs that he caused this...

... it was he that had created this anxiety in me...

... an analogy for what he did to me...

... I told her he was giving me anxiety...

Do you see a pattern here? You are not acknowledging your part in creating this maelstrom. Take ownership for what you are attracting to yourself and manifesting around you.

I didn't want to let him down. I knew that I would be the person that would make the change in him happen

I still feel sorry for him, this is also making it rough.

This is your savior complex talking. You cannot "make the change in him happen". Trying to do the impossible is a sure-fire route to anger and frustration, which is what you've got.

[SabbzR]

It's time to end contact with him, he is causing you NOTHING but heart ache, pain, confusion and so forth. He doesn't want help, he refuses to acknowledge his problem. He CANNOT be helped if he refuses to come to terms with his problem and bloody grow up.

Tell him to bugger off, seriously now.


*hugs* :)

[cerulean]

Do you see a pattern here? You are not acknowledging your part in creating this maelstrom. Take ownership for what you are attracting to yourself and manifesting around you.



This is your savior complex talking. You cannot "make the change in him happen". Trying to do the impossible is a sure-fire route to anger and frustration, which is what you've got.

That's not true, I have gotten him on meds, and he HAS been better and calm and "normal" acting since this happened. Its just that the timing of this phone sex operator has come after he started his meds, and it's the line I draw in the sand, and I have confronted and told him about this and he doesn't like what he's hearing.

Even though he's now on meds and hope was and is in sight for him, I don't think I can "handle" the fact he's been phone sexing other people.

Its not like Im blind or stupid, I see all this very clearly. This is just a calm after the storm, and I have to process what happened before I move on.

[cerulean]

it's time to end contact with him, he is causing you NOTHING but heart ache, pain, confusion and so forth. he doesn't want help, he refuses to acknowledge his problem. he CANNOT be helped if he refuses to come to terms with his problem and bloody grow up.

tell him to bugger off, seriously now.


*hugs* :)

Well he DID take the meds, and so he was trying to do something positive, and I consider that a monumental act because he has never done this before. He wants to be better but it's a long road.

The fact that the phone sex person called at this time is what puts the "fly in the ointment" or what have you with ME, because I have always been someone that can't tolerate that kind of behavior. Ive never tolerated cheating and its not happened to me, and it's the single thing that would drive me away.

I guess he's in denial because he knows if he admits he really has been phone sexing a phone sex professional, he will lose me for sure.

I just don't know what to do now, other than to take one day at a time. For a while I thought I had a glimpse of something, possibly something. Now this.

I just don't believe you can take huge bodies of people and squeeze them all into black and white categories.

I don't use a broad brush & generalize sick people and "dump them" or dispose of them that easily. I don't sweep everyone into the similar categories believing everyone's the same, even when they are ill. I would like to remain supportive as a friend.. I don't treat people like disposable garbage.

I know he has an illness that's why he's acting as he does. But I DON'T have an illness, so I would not behave as he does, nor throw him out like TRASH.

Also my ego is not that huge that I must run in anguish and disgust.. thinking IM the only person this person would ever be attracted to. I just want to understand all this before I begin a separation process of some kind, if that is what's inevitably needed.

I don't want to just dump someone without understanding everything that happened, because then I will then have no closure, as what happened with the last one and why I was single for 7 years.

I want to know why someone would say he loves me, even as a bipolar, and still require the phone sex with other women. I want to know what makes someone do this. Other than to receive rancorous advice.

I want to know why someone would say they love a person (me) and still REQUIRE phone sex with other women, and I want to have closure on this before I move on. I want to remain as a friend and I want to understand all these processes. I don't want to rush away in fear and ego driven anguish because I felt I should be the only person this person would ever be attracted to. I wish to understand all facets. I am not the ill one, I wouldn't behave as he would. I wouldn't treat someone as "disposable".. I would want to understand all facets of this, and what makes someone do what they do, and then lie about it.. so that I never attract it to me again. Actually I had my choice of being with him or not, its not as though he was the only choice. I did get signs, I always get signs about people. I just never imagined that the signs I got.. usually in dreams, would imply something THIS BAD. That's the thing about my signs I get them, and always assume I can handle it.. and I just believe that anyone can improve and get better and noones a lost cause.

I guess the timings off, I met him at a time when he was just too ill to BE WITH ANYONE and I'm expecting fidelity and sincerity from someone in the MIDST of their issues as if That's POSSIBLE! I came before he was healed.. and maybe he would never be on a better path if he hadn't met me. I more than sense that this is true as well.

I have had experience in the past with knowing that you can't be someone's lover AND their healer.

Maybe I could have helped more if I had not been a lover.

I would like input as long as its not rancorous advice.

[ordinaryguy]

I would like input as long as its not rancorous advice.

I'm reminded of a story I read somewhere about William Penn, the founder of the Quakers. It seems that a magistrate whose official uniform included a ceremonial sword became a Quaker. He became concerned that wearing the sword might be inconsistent with the Quaker teachings on pacifism, so he sought Penn's counsel on the matter. Penn told him to "wear it as long as thee can".

[cerulean]

I'm reminded of a story I read somewhere about William Penn, the founder of the Quakers. It seems that a magistrate whose official uniform included a ceremonial sword became a Quaker. He became concerned that wearing the sword might be inconsistent with the Quaker teachings on pacifism, so he sought Penn's counsel on the matter. Penn told him to "wear it as long as thee can".

Well obviously that's what Im doing, and I will know when its time to retreat.
In the meantime I am learning and not turning my back on it, I do know it's a life lesson. I have received the signs. My signs have NEVER been wrong, and its when I ignore them that Im led astray. I guess I am more accurate than I have any idea. I guess I assumed there was a small margin for error in my predictions, dreams and visions, which yes, I do get. I guess there isn't.

I'm just here to help.

[ordinaryguy]

I do know its a life lesson.

What do you think the lesson is?

[ordinaryguy]

Here's a link that may be relevant. Or not.
Spiritual Acceleration Challenges

[cerulean]

What do you think the lesson is?

Something you may or may not know about, its to trust my signs.

I just can't believe that some things are written in stone, that's why I always try harder. I have always thought outside the box. I have seen things others will never see. I guess that's why I have always assumed that there's hope for everyone.

Later I learned that people see others how they are themselves. If you accuse someone of cheating or phone sex, as he did/does, it's that he really is the one that's doing it. People are the center of the Universes, they assume everyone's like themselves.

I assume everyone can grow and change and evolve in one lifetime because I have in some areas, and I believe in the best for them because I know its possible. Beyond my sarcastic jokes, that is. I end up believing more in them than they do in themselves. They haven't had my experiences so they can't begin to have that kind of trust, faith, hope, insight.

Some people look at me as I give them the entire answer to their dilemma, non-comprehending. I'm not getting it from profiling people, Im getting it from intuition mostly. They can have the answer and it takes them 10 yrs to come to the conclusion I told them about 10 yrs ago. I told someone all about his issues 6 yrs ago, and he comes to be years later to tell me what I had told him long ago. I reminded him of what I told him, and he just said that if he hadn't experienced it for himself, how could he just believe what I was telling him? He also didn't have any faith in me, at that time.

It's been disillusioning. I thought people were like me, and Steve assumes people are as nefarious as he can be. Well we're just at the center of who we are assuming people are like us, and as life goes on we realize people either are or aren't like us. It's a surprise. Its nothing I haven't thought of before or haven't experienced before, I just encounter this through life.

[ordinaryguy]

And another--
How do you fight your personal demons?

[cerulean]

I've been exposed to that all my life. I was born knowing and experiencing many events and having many personal insights. I believe in free will and that's why I don't take my signs into full consideration. Actually what I've noticed is.. that I never believe its going to be "as bad" as it turns out to be.

Such as, recently I told him I had a dream where I passed this hot tub with a shower in it, and there was this naked woman in it, and then I saw him, and he hopped into the shower hot tub thing right in front of me, without embarrassment or regard. I mentally asked "what are you doing?" taken aback at this rudeness.. and he just had a sheepish grin on his face, that indicated "Im a stupid guilty fool who is attracted to other women" basically.

I didn't consciously know he was having phone sex, but that dream's a clear indication it was happening. I also have a certain word that when it is uttered, has spelled out havoc for my "romantic life" its code word, and Ive seen how its continued to work in my life, so I know its not a coincidence. He's said it many times and he said it twice in once conversation. The word has more than one meaning. This might not be relevant to anyone and they might have never heard of it, but 9 times out of 10, when the man says this word, or even writes it, the entire "romance" crumbles almost immediately afterwards, and it certainly is not my doing, as Im the sort that doesn't "bail" easily.

Last year, I dreamt he was walking out of a bathroom, and walking on the ceiling.. like a cockroach. I saw his face, suspicious, distrustful. I was sitting next to a man with light hair and skin, who had a problem with one of his legs, as though he couldn't walk well, I think he used a crutch or cane at times. He was leaning against the wall and I was leaning by him. The man looked straight ahead without looking at me and in a whisper warned "He's watching us".

In addition to this, I now realize that the anxiety and hand sweating and fear of sleep that I was experiencing, was my body warning me on an empathic level about what he was doing to me. I thought it was residual anxiety from what Id had to put up with. I had forgotten that my body warns me on an empathic intuitive level that something's going on, when my analytical mind continues to idealistically believe in the possibility of the seeming impossible...

Since I found out about the phone sex, all the physical symptoms, anxiety, fear of sleep, etc, have stopped.

Well those are just some of the things.

[cerulean]

And another--
How do you fight your personal demons?

Im not sure if I do. I know everyone has problems in life. I don't believe in real demons, but I know everyone has personal ones. I don't tend to want to believe in things that represent nothing but evil and ugliness without any redeeming qualities whatsoever.. seems like a waste of a belief. Lol

[ordinaryguy]

It's been disillusioning. I thought people were like me, ....as life goes on we realize people either are or aren't like us. Its a surprise.

So the lesson is that we aren't all alike? Are the differences superficial or fundamental? How many different kinds of beings are there?

[cerulean]

So the lesson is that we aren't all alike? Are the differences superficial or fundamental? How many different kinds of beings are there?

Well I don't know what your background is. I do hypnosis and past life regression. I hypnotically regressed him this year and found out he was a nazi in a past life. But that doesn't mean a thing for people who don't understand.

As far as different kinds of beings on this planet? Hell no, most people are the same, they are mundane. The very few that are kind and have some sort of higher evolution are far fewer in numbers, but if they are here, they will still feel the burn from the slow evolution of others.

[ordinaryguy]

As far as different kinds of beings on this planet? Hell no, most people are the same, they are mundane. The very few that are kind and have some sort of higher evolution are far fewer in numbers, but if they are here, they will still feel the burn from the slow evolution of others.

Are you saying that for spiritual purposes, there are basically two kinds of people in the world? Is the ratio of "mundane" to "higher evolution" types changing over time, do you think?

The distinction I find most instructive is between those that divide the world into two kinds of people, and those that don't. I aspire to be one of those who doesn't, but as you can see, I'm not quite there yet.

[cerulean]

Are you saying that for spiritual purposes, there are basically two kinds of people in the world? Is the ratio of "mundane" to "higher evolution" types changing over time, do you think?

The distinction I find most instructive is between those that divide the world into two kinds of people, and those that don't. I aspire to be one of those who doesn't, but as you can see, I'm not quite there yet.

It would be difficult to ascertain that as I don't know the true minds of everyone in the world to know if there are more evolving types as opposed to deevolving ones.

When you look at the news it seems there's more evil in the world, but when you look at communities you see more good.

I myself don't believe anyone's going to evolve until they reach the higher consciousness of respecting and loving animals instead of participating in an indifferent secret ceremony that leads to their demise. In that sort of world where people put blinders on, I would think evolution would be difficult. Many people believe themselves to be highly spiritual creatures and are conditioned to partipate in situations that harm others.

That way of being does not permit the ascension into higher consciousness so that one realizes all life is sacred, not only human but animal. It's a murky place to pull oneself out of though, and it has and can be done.. but with most, its apparently not happening.