[cerulean]

I had a theory he was bipolar a long time ago, but I didn't know how right I was, until I heard his story as I got to know him, and began to study what "bipolar" means online.

He has all the classic symptoms, the rages, jealousies, sleeping patterns, and he's hallucinating. He has beliefs about me that are borne from his insecurity, but are not true at all. He thinks that I'm conducting a phone sex business when Im not around him!

One day he's apologetic and nice and generous, and the next day (because I didn't call soon enough in his mind or another reason) he's accusing me of chatting & flirting and cybering other men online.

Truth is, I abandoned all my online friends, told them Im dating so its no secret, and I never cybered them to begin with. I have done everything right, and IM STILL being damned! Im being accused of things Im not doing! Its driving me crazy. I fight with him, and he has me screaming after I listen to him scream at me for days. He's pushed me over the edge. I hate going down to his level and now I refuse to. If I knew more people who have had experiences with bipolars, maybe I could gain some leverage and look at all of this from a new angle, so as not to be so upset about it.

Mostly I wish to learn HOW TO TALK TO HIM. I realize that he really doesn't need much of a reason to get triggered, but perhaps there's a way to deal with him without it getting too out of control.

I asked him and then demanded that he see a doctor, but he believes he doesn't have a problem. He just says "You go see a doctor". Which sounds stupid and childish.

I explained that I am not making stuff up and accusing him of it as he is. I explain things to him until he grows quiet and then says 'You know... this is depressing, I just want to have a good night, and I feel like Im being tortured".

Thats when I say "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? This isn't about me torturing you, this is me trying to make you realize the severity of this situation and how you can't handle it alone and never could and you must do something about it or we are never going to know each other in the future because all hope will be lost".

He says "So you don't want to see me anymore? " I say "NO that's not what I'm saying, I'm saying if you don't get help, you will leave me no choice. It's obvious you are going in cycles with your emotions, up and down and I'm along for the ride. I don't want to be part of that ride!".

All I am telling him, is to seek help. I say "What's so hard about swallowing a pill if it will make you more stable right now?". He says he doesn't want to be on pills. I outline the new findings on bipolarism, how bipolars live 7 yrs less than your average person who doesn't have bipolar disorder.. how bipolarism actually shrinks the brain, and kills brain cells, and how he should do something before its too late.

He makes light of the times when he rages. Sometimes he even imitates himself when he was mad. Recently I was going to meet him in a park to go hiking, and he got upset about something that was nothing to get upset about, met me at the park, and wrenched my car door open.. I thought it was some wild man rapist. He begins to scream at the top of his lungs to 'get out of the car, this is a stolen car!" and calling me names in front of stunned people who are in the park playing frisbee and just gaping at us.

He was so loud and I was so embarrassed, I just vanished into the thickeness of the park until no one could see me. Hearing one guy actually LAUGH at this fiasco.

I stayed in the park for a while, and realized that I didn't have my car. I got tons of phone calls from him, screaming that he needed to give me a ride home. I said "don't bother".. he was the last person I wanted to see!

I walked 4 miles home, it took me 3 1/2 hours to do so, but at least I didn't have to have him pick me up.

I can't take it anymore. When I think of him now, I flash on things we used to do, where we'd go to eat, how funny he is when he's "Normal".. how we went to clubs, and joked and had good times. I feel so sad for him. I feel so bad for him because I know he has a disease.

However when I urge him to go to a doctor, he will not budge. I ask him "What part of this do you really believe is normal?"

I don't know what to do or say to him to convince him to go.

Now Im beginning to feel that not marching into a doctors office with him and just being around him at all, is making me an enabler, because I realize how sick he is. I just can't ignore it like he's doing.

I feel really upset about this and incredibly sorry for him. I can't imagine what it must be like to have your brain moving so fast as it is with him. I can't imagine or relate to it, nor would I want to. He seems to think he can function the way he is, but I ask him "How can you when you can't get along with me because you're always raging? You call that managing your anger problem?".

Im all logical and rational and he's just inane and flippant, or he'll hang up and pretend Im attacking him by telling him its high time for him to see a counselor. Years ago before I met him he went to a therapist and unfortunately he found a really inept one, one that tossed some lithium his way and basically told him to "call him in the morning".

The lithium & other drugs he was prescribed played havoc with his mind and he was really turned off to meds. Since that bad experience he's not wanted to try it again. This is the danger with counselors or doctors who rush you through a session, throw some meds at you, and don't address all your problems and make light of the situation. If he had had a good doctor, I wouldn't be tortured by this person now.

Either way, suggestions anyone?

[SabbzR]

Simple in my opinion,

1) stay with him and get him help regardless of his opinion - because he does need it
Or
2) call it off.

A friend of mine's sister is bipolar and she has some medicine she takes and it really helps - although she still has her moments of course.

That's my view anyway :)

Regards,
Sebastien

[cerulean]

simple in my opinion,

1) stay with him and get him help regardless of his opinion - because he does need it
or
2) call it off.

a friend of mine's sister is bipolar and she has some medicine she takes and it really helps - although she still has her moments of course.

thats my view anyway :)

regards,
sebastien

How do you know when enough is enough?

What kind of meds is your friends sister on? Did you know what she was like without the meds and after? Is she dramatically changed or only slightly stable?

I feel VERY responsible and bad only so far as how aware I am that he is sick, and just abandoning him even as a friend would be a heartless thing to do. I cannot in my mind just leave and not help him along his way because I know that bipolarism gets worse when left untreated. I wouldn't feel good knowing I didn't at least help. Its not about not wanting him to be with someone else. I really care about his welfare.

When he asks me what I want from him the most, I have said more than once "I want you to have peace of mind, more than anything else".

[jackie223]

Well I know how you feel when you say you feel sorry for him, I felt sorry for mine for 19yrs and he also had some bad sife effects from meds,, but please for your safety start feeling bad for yourself,, don't bring kids into this its not right on them... its not up to you to help me,, I have been trying to help mine for way too long,, and it doesn't matter what you do for them its never enough,, your young go enjoy your life,, we all feel bad for the people we love when they are sick but after a while its going to make you sick and he will not be there to help u, I am not a mean person it use to break my heart to see him go though depression and after a while there is nothing you can do to make it better, you can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink it!!
Think f yourself,, you need to have fun in your life you shouldn't have to worry if you say the wrong thing your going to get into a fight,,

[SabbzR]

How do you know when enough is enough?

What kind of meds is your friends sister on? Did you know what she was like without the meds and after? Is she dramatically changed or only slightly stable?

I feel VERY responsible and bad only so far as how aware I am that he is sick, and just abandoning him even as a friend would be a heartless thing to do. I cannot in my mind just leave and not help him along his way because I know that bipolarism gets worse when left untreated. I wouldn't feel good knowing I didn't at least help. Its not about not wanting him to be with someone else. I really care about his welfare.

When he asks me what I want from him the most, I have said more than once "I want you to have peace of mind, more than anything else".

Everyone has their own limit, I can't tell you when enough is enough - you will know that by yourself, you will realise that the point in time has come when you can't take it anymore.

I don't know what meds she is on, but I can find out and let you know. Remember there are varying degrees on bipolar, she had similar symptoms though. Yes I knew what she was like, I've known her since she was about 13 (she's 20 now). So I noticed when she was different.

She changed a lot, except on her periods she has real trouble then. But as she got help early on in life, the meds and counsilling and all have change her dramatically, she's doing a lot better.

The problem comes in that your guy doesn't want help, he is denying it in himself that anything is wrong and that nothing will help. There is where you need to put your foot down.

You feel responsible because you took it upon yourself, and like you said, you can't just abandon him.

Go see a professional (without him) and ask them what you should do, describe symptoms and everything. They should be able to tell you how to handle him.

Regards,
Sebastien

[ordinaryguy]

Loving someone with bipolar disorder will put you through a wringer, that's for sure, and I speak from experience. In a way it's a lot like alcoholism, except that all they have to do to get "drunk" is DON'T take their meds. And like alcoholism, until THEY decide they need help, you can't do anything for them. And like alcoholism, it usually takes several tries before they finally accept and truly believe that they can and must control their illness.

As to the question of how much is enough, only you know that. All I would say is that until he accepts his need for help, you can expect more of the same, and you can't love him enough to fix it for him. For myself, I had to cut all contact and move on. I truly wish you well.

[cerulean]

Loving someone with bipolar disorder will put you through a wringer, that's for sure, and I speak from experience. In a way it's a lot like alcoholism, except that all they have to do to get "drunk" is DON'T take their meds. And like alcoholism, until THEY decide they need help, you can't do anything for them. And like alcoholism, it usually takes several tries before they finally accept and truly believe that they can and must control their illness.

As to the question of how much is enough, only you know that. All I would say is that until he accepts his need for help, you can expect more of the same, and you can't love him enough to fix it for him. For myself, I had to cut all contact and move on. I truly wish you well.

Thanks

He's not my Boyfriend, he's someone Ive known, a friend for 2 yrs, but someone who Ive been dating, In actuality I left him last Sept. because of his porn and pot addiction. I was fine and went on with my life, but he kept attacking me on a particular forum where I met him, and spreading lies, telling people I was 300 lbs so that no man would get near me, and other lies that others picked up and had fun with. The people on those forums need meds themselves and are far worse than anyone Ive met on mental health forums!

Well he wrote a "truce" thread and that was the first time in 9 months away from him that he said something nice.. I thought he had rethought his ways. I talked to him and he said he had changed, so that's why I drove out to see him, and he was scared I think at first to see me.. but when I finally saw him again face to face it was like no time had passed.

He also immediately assumed it was "back on" simply because I was there standing in his livingroom. I began to socialize with him because that was fun.. and quickly we got involved. Soon I realized he was worse than he was last year.

Just tonight I had a phone conversation with him, and he seemed so normal. I asked him "Why can't you be this way all the time?". It was so pleasant and light and funny. He said "What do you mean?" I explained some more, and he began to say "Now that just pisses me off, you're making me mad". I explained "Im not making you mad, you are".. he keeps placing the BLAME on me! The blame for why he gets "pissed" and then rages.. its never his fault, its someone else.

I think he believes this because if he hadn't received the "Trigger" he would never get angry.. but anything can trigger him when he's not imagining something's happening that he deems bad that triggers him to rage at me.

Ive never done anything wrong.. I was just upset.. he hung up on me, I called and explained this is my problem with him, the rage, the up and down.

Who the hell wants this??

So I sent him a short email just now and said that I am getting off this roller coaster and absolutely will NOT communicate him, receive his calls, answer emails, etc. while he is angry. It seems to just keep his anger going. I don't want anything to do with it! I am NOT creating it, I don't even want it, I don't remember signing up to have a friend or lover that is a rageaholic.

Im beginning to wonder if Im enabling him.. yes, just like an alcoholic... knowing how sick he is, and then he expects me NOT TO TALK ABOUT HIS PROBLEM.

How can he get pissed off just because I wanted to talk about it? I said "Nows the time to talk about it, while you're lucid and calm, not while you're raging".

He doesn't get it, he just doesn't get it.

Now I can't talk about it when he's upset or when he's calm? When would he ever break down and get a hold of a therapist anyway?

My leaving him last year for 9 months didn't make him go to a therapist, he just kept attacking me on a board because he was jealous of the other men I talked to.

Where do you go to find a good therapist for bipolar people and the people who are dealing with them? Please help.

This is my biggest problem.

[ordinaryguy]

So I sent him a short email just now and said that I am getting off this roller coaster and absolutely will NOT communicate him, receive his calls, answer emails, etc. while he is angry.

I'm afraid you shouldn't have put the "while he is angry" qualifier in there. It leaves open the option for him to call you when he's not angry, and then become so in the course of the conversation because of something you said and you're back to where you always are. No, I'm afraid No Contact Whatsoever is the only realistic option for you.

Im beginning to wonder if Im enabling him.. yes, just like an alcoholic... knowing how sick he is, and then he expects me NOT TO TALK ABOUT HIS PROBLEM.

Yes, you are enabling him, and punishing yourself. The reason he rages when you talk about his problem is that he's in denial about it, so if you talk about, that just proves that you are attacking him, and anger is justified in the face of being attacked. Remember, to an angry person, their anger is always justified, never unreasonable. He needs professional help, and even with it, and with plenty of time and trial and error, he may not become stable enough to be close to. You don't have to do this. It's not your job to help him. You can move on and learn a life lesson that you can use in other relationships. My advice is to let it go. Enough is enough. It would be a tougher call if he was in therapy and on medication and still screwing up, but he's not even at the beginning of his recovery yet, so it's a very long and bumpy road ahead of him. You aren't obligated to go along for the ride.

Where do you go to find a good therapist for bipolar people and the people who are dealing with them?? Please help.

This is my biggest problem.

You don't need "a good therapist for bipolar people", and if you get away from him, you won't be a person who is "dealing with them". Although it would be good eventually to understand why you let yourself be conned into playing the enabler's role, at this point I don't think finding a therapist is your biggest problem. But I could be wrong about that. If it is, try the yellow pages or Google it.

[Chery]

Take Ordinaryguy's advice!

You are not at fault or responsible for his life and deserve no punishment. Now is the time for you to walk away and take care of yourself. It's OK to feel sorry for him once in a while, like maybe twice a year - but more time than that would be a waste. His drug use/abuse is not making his life easier either.

Take this as a lesson, be glad that you are a strong person and well capable of taking care of yourself. Can you imagine what would have happened to you if you did not catch on to him and stayed naïve.

Don't worry about him ranting and raving online, even if you stayed he'd find ways to hurt you and others just for self-gratification.

You CAN do a lot more for yourself than you COULD for him, so make your choice..

[SabbzR]

A lot of people hide behind drugs when they are unable to handle the real world. He's addicted to pot because it makes him extremely calm and relaxed, something his disorder won't allow him. For him, the pot is the medicine he [thinks he] needs.

I, personally, think it is time you issue him an ultimatum. Inform him, in a caring way, that he is emotionally hurting you and you can't handle it anymore. You can tell him, that unless he changes his repressive attitude and willingly tries to himself by going to a doctor, you won't have anything to do with him and that you're tired of his rages, his childish attitude of blaming everyone, particularly you, for his outbursts.

Anastazia (my mates sister) was 14 when she agreed to go to a doctor and receive proper medical help. If a 14 year old has the maturity to accept that she has a problem and DO something about it then he should too.

Even though he has a disorder, I believe he is acting incredibly immature and doesn't WANT to help himself. I believe he is denying that he has a problem in the subconcious belief that it will "all go away in time".

I applaud how you have stood by him and tried to help him all this time. You deserve a warm hug and pat on the back. But I think its time for you to make a decision, based not on what is good for him but what is good for YOU!

Regards,
Sebastien

P.S: Here are a number of websites I found relating to Bipolar. I hope they help.

1. BipolarAware.co.uk - Bipolar Disorder Self Help Guide and Forums
2. Cambridge MDF BiPolar Self-Help Group Home Page
3. Bi-Polar help group launching :: Wessex Scene Online :: Student News

[cerulean]

Thank you,

Your post is very useful to me and thanks to the others as well. I figured everyone would tell me just to walk or run away from him.

I always thought his bark was worth than his bite, but he's started to act worse.

When he's on the marijuana, when I used to see him on it, the reason I wrote he's addicted to it, is that he claimed to have purchased it for me, but he was the one taking it when I would come over, not only that, he would keep inhaling it about every 20 minutes to the point where it was getting really irritating. He said it was "weak pot" and therefore he had to inhale more to get "the same effect".

He recently said what happened to me, I used to like porn and pot and be "funner" and now I am not. He doesn't understand the difference between light social use on an occasional basis for ANYTHING and someone who prefers it over a real human being.

I have explained this to him though.

One point when he was sucking down the pot he said "omg Im so stoned" but in no way was he the typical pot user lying flaccid on the couch not moving. When he's high on pot he's running up and down stairs and moving about quickly just the same way when he's not on pot. He also used to take cocaine about 10 yrs ago with a host of other drugs when his wife left him. That was when he began his drug use. The only thing he's done now is pot, but he says he's given it up for months now.

I was curious do the people who answer questions here, are they laypeople, doctors, or are they people who are on medication for various reasons? Is it a mix of all three?

Alot of people hide behind drugs when they are unable to handle the real world. He's addicted to pot because it makes him extremely calm and relaxed, something his disorder won't allow him. For him, the pot is the medicine he [thinks he] needs.

I, personally, think it is time you issue him an ultimatum. Inform him, in a caring way, that he is emotionally hurting you and you can't handle it anymore. You can tell him, that unless he changes his repressive attitude and willingly tries to himself by going to a doctor, you won't have anything to do with him and that you're tired of his rages, his childish attitude of blaming everyone, particuarly you, for his outbursts.

Anastazia (my mates sister) was 14 when she agreed to go to a doctor and receive proper medical help. If a 14 year old has the maturity to accept that she has a problem and DO something about it then he should too.

Even though he has a disorder, I believe he is acting incredibly immature and doesn't WANT to help himself. I believe he is denying that he has a problem in the subconcious belief that it will "all go away in time".

I applaud how you have stood by him and tried to help him all this time. You deserve a warm hug and pat on the back. But I think its time for you to make a decision, based not on what is good for him but what is good for YOU!

Regards,
Sebastien

P.S: Here are a number of websites I found relating to Bipolar. I hope they help.

1. BipolarAware.co.uk - Bipolar Disorder Self Help Guide and Forums
2. Cambridge MDF BiPolar Self-Help Group Home Page
3. Bi-Polar help group launching :: Wessex Scene Online :: Student News

[Chery]

Honey, we are the greatest Melting Pot there is.

You have professionals, lays, and many people with a lot of personal experience.

The nice part about this site is that all advice is absolutely free and leaves it up to you to make a choice to accept it or leave it.

So, what are your plans regarding your future with or without this individual who cannot get his life straight?

[cerulean]

Honey, we are the greatest Melting Pot there is.

You have professionals, lays, and many people with a lot of personal experience.

The nice part about this site is that all advice is absolutely free and leaves it up to you to make a choice to accept it or leave it.

So, what are your plans regarding your future with or without this individual who cannot get his life straight?

"lays" LMAO! Hello, I didn't realize anyone was on right now!

I think I have to plan this slowly, I can't just pull the wool from under him... and of course I have to do it without any resentment or anger as well.

I was reading that link someone gave someone on this or another site. The one called "How to tell you are dating a loser" and I noticed some of the advice from the doctor was "become very boring, act as though you are depressed and need time to figure it all out, so that the loser can blame you again and know its not their fault you want out of the relationship".

What do you think of this?

P.S. I love your cats! Cats are my breath!

[cerulean]

Even though he has a disorder, I believe he is acting incredibly immature and doesn't WANT to help himself. I believe he is denying that he has a problem in the subconcious belief that it will "all go away in time".

Yes that's what I've always thought, it always helps to have someone else confirm this of course. He doesn't seem to look at what he's causing. He says "im sorry and I will never do it again" and then he does it again. I don't know why he would even believe himself.

He's convinced an online friend he was flirting with broke into his place last year and has never backdowned from believing it was true. This was during a time when he had not slept for 2 days at least. I heard he had called a friend and was screaming at the top of his lungs that "Marie" was in his house with her son and they had gotten through somehow. Marie lives in the midwest. In addition on the phone I was told by "Marie" that he was screaming to his other friend on the phone that Maries friends were waiting till he fell asleep to torture and kill him, and were hiding somewhere in his house.

Ive told him many times that I do not believe Marie was ever there, and he continues to say she was obsessed and was there. He says that she even told him that I was driving the "get away car". Later he backed down from that, but said she said that.

Do you think if he admits all this is not true, he will realize he is seriously ill because he was hallucinating people that looked totally real but were not really there?

[cerulean]

Alot of people hide behind drugs when they are unable to handle the real world. He's addicted to pot because it makes him extremely calm and relaxed, something his disorder won't allow him. For him, the pot is the medicine he [thinks he] needs.

I think its affected the way I feel about wanting to date again. Ive been single for 7 years and even though I never committed to this guy, I haven't dated anyone else or flirted with anyone else. This only makes me want to stay single for more time.

[Chery]

That might work on someone who is aware of your feelings and cares.

If you think this is the case, go and give it a try.

Grass does not usually make one speed unless the metabolism is way,way off. Or unless it is laced with speed.

beyondblue

If he refuses to seek help, maybe you can print a true story from someone with the disorder and get him to read it.

I wish for you the strength you need to reach your goal in this endeavor. He should hopefully someday realize what a friend you are.

[cerulean]

Well thank you..

His metabolism is way off.. he can eat whatever he wants and burns it off very fast. I thought he had hyperthyroidism before I realized for certain he was bipolar. The night he was smoking marijuana for the last time around me, he was racing all over the place, talking very fast and he didn't want to get close to me.

After many hours of watching this I finally said something, because I wanted to get close. I told him I felt like he was having a party without me. He quickly grew angry and attacked me. So much for pot being a drug that "Mellows you out and makes you peaceful".

That might work on someone who is aware of your feelings and cares.

If you think this is the case, go and give it a try.

Grass does not usually make one speed unless the metabolism is way,way off. Or unless it is laced with speed.

beyondblue

If he refuses to seek help, maybe you can print a true story from someone with the disorder and get him to read it.

I wish for you the strength you need to reach your goal in this endeavor. He should hopefully someday realize what a friend you are.

[Chery]

His chemistry is all off and will probably get worse if he does not get treatment.

Read up on what you can and try to convince him to see a professional.

Please don't make this your life though, you also deserve a chance at happiness and peace.

If you need us, we'll be here.

I'll post some new pictures of my real cats as soon as I get them onto this computer. My daughter has one that weighs 20 lbs.

[cerulean]

I'll keep reading and press on the link you sent.. thanks. Time to eat!

His chemistry is all off and will probably get worse if he does not get treatment.

Read up on what you can and try to convince him to see a professional.

Please don't make this your life though, you also deserve a chance at happiness and peace.

If you need us, we'll be here.

I'll post some new pictures of my real cats as soon as I get them onto this computer. My daughter has one that weighs 20 lbs.

[SabbzR]

"Do you think if he admits all this is not true, he will realize he is seriously ill because he was hallucinating people that looked totally real but were not really there?" <- I doubt it very much, he will most likely blame it on the pot.

As a point of interest, pot can make you hallucinate if you smoke a hell of a lot of it - believe me, I know. A couple of years ago (during my "drug-days"), a mate and I got so stoned we started to hallucinate - he was watching an army of green (yes, green) smurfs play tennis and then wanted to join in (this is funny to watch when you can't see the smurfs) and I thought the ground was rolling, like the waves of an ocean, and I was sitting on the bed with my arms spread trying to keep my balance... sjoe.. was hectic. Anyway...


"I think its affected the way I feel about wanting to date again. Ive been single for 7 years and even though I never committed to this guy, I havent dated anyone else or flirted with anyone else. This only makes me want to stay single for more time." <- that is a sort negative repetitive cycle, a catch-22 if you will. Its something you will need to work on, but don't expect it to happen anytime soon. Your mind needs to heal enough for it to consciously tell you that your ready to move on. You can't date anyone, or flirt with anyone because you, subconciously at the least, still feel obligated to this man.