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Hottrodder246 · Sep 5, 2007, 09:24 PM

I dated this girl for 2 and a half years and we loved each other very, very much. She broke up with me a month and half ago because she got tired of me verbally abusing her. After we broke up I finally realized my wrong doings and tried about 3 times in the following weeks to get back with her. It didn't work. I just found out a week ago that she has a new boyfriend... already!! And they go to separate colleges, she really likes him and she told me that there is no chance of us getting back together. I have not given her space and I keep pestering her... which I just stopped. I still love this girl more than anything! Is she truly over me or does she feel lonely and he is nothing but a rebound boyfriend? Is there still hope?

bre4uask · Sep 5, 2007, 09:31 PM

She is doing either one out of two things. She could have got a new b/f to make u jelous OR she truly likes this guy and has moved on. I'm sure u can tell by the way she reacts when u keep "pertering" her!

manga · Sep 5, 2007, 09:36 PM

If you verbally abused her, she eventually got fed up and probably lost feelings for you towards the end without you realizing it. IF she really likes the guy then she REALLY has moved on, he might even be treating her better than you.

Hottrodder246 · Sep 5, 2007, 09:54 PM

I dated this girl for 2 and half years and I verbally abused her, without fully realizing it. She broke up with me a month and a half ago. I have tried at least three times since then to get back together with her and I have honestly not given her space. I just found out a week and half ago she has a new boyfriend... already!! (They go to separate colleges) I know deep down she still has feelings for me. She told me recently that she is happy and she really likes this guy and that he treats her right, but it has only been a week or two. She has given me a chance to prove myself, to show I can change... but she said that doesn't mean we are getting back together. For now we are not speaking. So, is this a rebound boyfriend to fill the void in her heart and make her feel better or is she really over me??

Hottrodder246 · Sep 5, 2007, 10:43 PM

Yes she got sick of it, but I still think that this new guy is just there to fill the hole in her heart. I know for a fact that she still has feelings for me... she has actually giving me a chance to prove myself to her... all I have to do is leave her alone for now and show her in time. What I am worried about is that they will still be dating when me and her start talking again.

crushedovernover · Sep 5, 2007, 10:56 PM

Done wait. Move on. You can still love her but when she sees you happy and doing things wit out her it eat her up inside. And she will think twice about doiing this to you.

manga · Sep 5, 2007, 11:02 PM

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

yes she got sick of it, but i still think that this new guy is just there to fill the hole in her heart. I know for a fact that she still has feelings for me..........she has actually givin me a chance to prove myself to her.....all i have to do is leave her alone for now and show her in time. What i am worried about is that they will still be dating when me and her start talking again.

YEA I don't know about that one.. I think if she's dated already and knows what else is out there that could be better. Why wait around? Yeas you love her but I definatley believe in learing the lessons of the bad relationships and moving on to something that you cherish more without the built up resentments. That way you know better on what to do the next time. BUT it's your time that you're putting in, so do what you will. Knowing is different than feeling what is right.

Hottrodder246 · Sep 6, 2007, 07:17 AM

Originally Posted by manga

YEA I don't know about that one.. I think if she's dated already and knows what else is out there that could be better. Why wait around? yeas you love her but I definatley believe in learing the lessons of the bad relationships and moving on to something that you cherish more without the built up resentments. That way you know better on what to do the next time. BUT it's your time that you're putting in, so do what you will. Knowing is different than feeling what is right.

I think you are right... but I honestly feel this in my heart... I know when she sees me for the guy she originally fell in love with, she will see things different. And how much time is enough time... to give her??

manga · Sep 6, 2007, 07:57 PM

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

I think you are right....but I honestly feel this in my heart.......I know when she sees me for the guy she originally fell in love with, she will see things different. And how much time is enough time...to give her????

Sometimes... though she might've convinced herself that you won't change and maybe it's only temporary that she wants to see whatis out there. I say that with time if she truly loves you she wouldn't be dating anyone and sitting around to think for herself if she decides to come back not dating another guy.. don't get your hopes up where you end up hurting yourself when she decides she's not coming back. You'll be OK, why go back when moving forward will be refreshing.

benn11 · Sep 7, 2007, 06:04 AM

Let's hope so, because if this guy can offer what you can't she can forget about you but you should surprise her with something nice like sending her flowers and she might be thinking about you if this guy doesn't turn out to be superb.

GlindaofOz · Sep 7, 2007, 06:12 AM

I would be skeptical too if I was her. For 2 1/2 years you verbally abused her and now after 2 months you are no longer a abuser? I don't think that's enough time for anyone to get better unless you have spent the last 2 months in intense therapy - going everyday for at least an hour or longer - then I doubt you are really over your abusive ways. What she sees is that now that she is gone and is happy with someone else you now find a way to act like a decent person.

What it sounds like to me is that she is trying to move on with her life and you want to muscle back in. Have you thought about the psychological damage that you have inflicted upon her for all this time? Have you thought about how long its going to take her to build herself back up? Are you even aware of the fact that verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse?

Hottrodder246 · Sep 7, 2007, 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

I would be skeptical too if I was her. For 2 1/2 years you verbally abused her and now after 2 months you are no longer a abuser? I don't think thats enough time for anyone to get better unless you have spent the last 2 months in intense therapy - going everyday for at least an hour or longer - then I doubt you are really over your abusive ways. What she sees is that now that she is gone and is happy with someone else you now find a way to act like a decent person.

What it sounds like to me is that she is trying to move on with her life and you want to muscle back in. Have you thought about the psychological damage that you have inflicted upon her for all this time? Have you thought about how long its going to take her to build herself back up? Are you even aware of the fact that verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse?

No I was not aware of how bad I hurt her until the end. I talked to her the other day and she said to delete her number from my phone, forget about her, she doesn't care that she lost me forever... she was angry when she said this... I think if I give her a month then we can start talking again. Is that enough time?

Hottrodder246 · Sep 7, 2007, 09:16 AM

Originally Posted by manga

sometimes... though she might've convinced herself that you won't change and maybe it's only temporary that she wants to see whatis out there. I say that with time if she truly loves you she wouldn't be dating anyone and sitting around to think for herself if she decides to come back not dating another guy.. don't get your hopes up where you end up hurting yourself when she decides she's not coming back. you'll be ok, why go back when moving forward will be refreshing.

Yes I agree with u, but I don't know... I just have see what happens.

ScottGem · Sep 7, 2007, 09:21 AM

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

No i was not aware of how bad i hurt her until the end. I talked to her the other day and she said to delete her number from my phone, forget about her, she doesnt care that she lost me forever..............she was angry when she said this......i think if i give her a month then we can start talking again. Is that enough time?

My friend you need to seek help. You blew it with this girl (its a wonder she stayed with you for 2.5 years). Now you refuse to accept it and are bordering on stalking her. If I were her and you tried to contact her in a month or whenever, I would call the police and have a restraining order placed on you.

You have an unhealthy obsession and you need counseling to deal with it. Please seek help and leave this poor girl alone. You have done enough to her.

GlindaofOz · Sep 7, 2007, 09:24 AM

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

No i was not aware of how bad i hurt her until the end. I talked to her the other day and she said to delete her number from my phone, forget about her, she doesnt care that she lost me forever..............she was angry when she said this......i think if i give her a month then we can start talking again. Is that enough time?

NO. She said to leave her alone why aren't you respecting her wishes? You seem to think she is playing a game she is trying to get away from her abuser! If you keep contacting her she is probably going to get a restraining order out against you. You have without a doubt not changed by forcing yourself back into her life all you are doing is showing her that hey I'm still a jerk who doesn't care what you want or what you are feeling. This is not something she is going to "get over". Dude you ABUSED HER. Do you not get that? You are an ABUSER.

Here is some information on the effects of being verbally abused:

Emotional Abuse - an article by psychotherapist Kali Munro
Assessment Guide

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

No i was not aware of how bad i hurt her until the end.

I believe you still do not understand how badly you hurt her. The psychological damage caused by verbal abuse has been found to be worse then physical abuse by psychologists. Think about that for a minute. You did more damage to her then someone who beats up his girlfriend. You are an abuser.

Hottrodder246 · Sep 7, 2007, 09:34 AM

Hmmm... yea you guys are right... I mean I still love her a lot and last thing I want is a restraining order from her. So you guys think I shouldn't talk to her what-so-ever anymore. If I really want her back... what I am going to have to do?

GlindaofOz · Sep 7, 2007, 09:40 AM

Do not contact her again ever. She has asked you to delete her number and never call her again so do that.

I'm going to guess and say that any other relationship you get into the same problems will come out unless you seek some sort of counseling to stop being abusive to women. My guess is that you saw your mother or other women around you getting spoken to like they are lower then an animal growing up and you think that women deserve to be treated like garbage. So you need someone to help you work through your past and act like a respectable human being to women.

ScottGem · Sep 7, 2007, 09:46 AM

I told you what you should do, SEEK COUNSELING. But I will hold out some hope for you. In a year or so, after some good counseling, if the counselor feels you have a better understanding of why you abuse women and why you are so obsessed with this girl, then you MIGHT (if the counselor approves) attempt to contact her. But you NEED to do it through a third party first. Maybe you have a mutual friend. Have that friend find out if she is currently in a committed relationship. If she is not (and only then) have the friend approach her and talk to her about how much therapy you have gone through and how changed you are and give her the option of meeting with you. If she refuses, then forget her.

Chery · Sep 7, 2007, 09:57 AM

Whether you want to believe it or not, you learned a very hard lesson and should accept it and go on with your life.

The only thing you can do now is look forward, and hope that you don't revert back to your abusive stage when meeting someone new.

If you really are serious about wanting to change, then convince yourself that you wronged someone and you should not hurt her any more. Do some retrospective research and find the reason for your abusive ways, that way you can work on them to be certain that this will not happen again. If you don't feel like seeking out a therapist yet, then you could try taking an Anit-aggression Course in your community or find a group that deals with Verbal Abuse issues straight on. You took the first step by telling us that you did verbally abuse someone, without knowing it. That's the way all abusers start and progress. Admitting this and working on it is the right thing to do. Consider yourself luckier than some because she did not take legal steps against you - so keep it that way and leave her alone.

Get to the place where you start feeling good about yourself and then start over with someone new.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Hmmm... yea you guys are right... I mean I still love her a lot... I really want her back...

At this stage, you loved and miss the power you had over her... that's not loving her.

Right now you probably do want her back because you miss having someone to abuse.

Once you worked on your abusive nature and realize there is more to life than putting someone down, you'll not miss her at all. You'll be so ashamed of yourself that you'll probable not need to see her anymore, except to apologize.. but that's a long, long way down the road to your recovery.

Hottrodder246 · Sep 7, 2007, 12:52 PM

Well I actually have been consistently seeing a therapist... once a week... I actually am a little worried that she might take legal actions. But other than the only thing I can do is go about my life like she doesn't exist... it is so hard and I Know I am not alone. Some part of me does truly love her and I want her to happy and I know by leaving her alone, that will come true. Underneath it all I still think in the back of my head that me and her have a chance... not anytime soon... but maybe in the future. I can't help but think that.