[IndyMomof4]

Hi. I don't know why this bothers me, or if it truly is rude. I think I'm probably being overly sensitive, but this hurt slightly. Here goes. I have a wonderful friend. We have friendship times that we get together, but she does not introduce me to her other friends. Says that she prefers friendships separate, one on one. I know that, and understand it as it is a preference of hers.

I took her to a very nice quaint place for lunch and we had a great visit. She had never been there before. She told me tonight she loved it so much that she invited two of her other friends, together, to go there with her. Not me.

It was a passing annoyance. This friendship makes me feel somewhat compartmentalized. I do not expect to be in every facet of the life of one of my closer friends, but the only time I get together, it's only with her. If I want to invite another friend along, I do not, out of respect to her. I guess because I honor her views, I really would rather not hear about her gettogethers with other friends, especially to the very nice place that I took, and paid for her meal.

I know this sounds petty, and if so, I am sorry. I am just feeling left out, and kind of feeling that I should probably turn to building up other friendships I have more where, if there's a get together of friends to a restaurant that's my favorite place to go, that the friend would be either thoughtful enough to invite me, or not mention it to me at all if she's leaving me out.

Please share your thoughts... thanks.

[rankrank55]

You have every right to feel left out! I would! It's not right that she doesn't introduce you to her other friends... it's weird to me! I would talk with your friend about this whole situation; if she is a true friend she will understand. Seems like you are walking on egg shells for her but there isn't much effort coming from her side. This all seems a bit toxic.

[froggy7]

This is a toughy, because I can see so many possible interpretations. I too am a person who likes to keep things small and intimate. This doesn't mean that I would never introduce one friend to another, but it does mean that I can see going to a spot with one friend, and then taking another friend to it later and telling the first friend "thanks for showing me that spot... it was so great I had to take X there as well". To me, that would be paying a compliment to the first friend. Also, it doesn't sound like she is throwing a party for 30 and leaving you out.

On the other hand, it does sound like she is a bit more extreme than I am about this. Have you tried asking if you could bring someone else along when you get together? Or invited her over when you are having a gathering of your friends? If she turns both of those down, then you should probably just accept that this is the way that she is. Get together with her when you want some cozy one-on-one time, but don't expect more than that from her. And if you feel that you need more than that from a friendship, then yes, I would look to cultivating some of your other friends.

[kp2171]

You are "allowed" to feel however you feel. That said, your friend seems to be upfront and honest about it... even if it's a little extreme.

I had a guy I worked with who refused to go out after work with the guys. Its not that he didn't like to go out, drink a few and watch the game... he just had a strict personal policy of not ever mixing work buddies with personal buddies. Just how he was. I was put off a little at first, but after some time just accepted it.

So... is it petty of you? Not really. Is it wrong of her? Not really.

Unless you are given a reason, try not to take it personally. She just might be "wired" this way and that's that. If you can't accept it, don't try to change her... try to alter your behavior, such as backing off.

You know how she is. You don't get to stay close and still complain. You also aren't obligated to be guilty if its just too "compartmentalized" for you. Right for her doesn't mean right for you.

[Illusion]

No, I do not think you are being overly sensitive. She invites 2 friends to go enjoy the restaurant you went to but does not include you. If she prefers friendships one on one then why the 2 friends? This is why you may have felt upset - she told you that one-on-one was her preference but then turns around and takes 2 friends to enjoy a meal. Why would she think it necessary to tell you this if it wasn't true? Could it be she doesn't feel you would fit in with her other friends? I think there is more to this than meets the eye. Yes, I would feel upset also. For some reason, she is not including you and not being honest about it. I hope you get the chance to talk to her about it.

[lacuran8626]

I think you are right to feel as you do and might want to tactfully tell her that it hurts your feelings when she shares with you what she did with groups of friends, when she does not include you with any of her other friends. Let her know that doing this can make people feel left out, or like their friend does not have confidence in them to act properly in front of their other friends. Ask why she does not want you to meet her other friends, and if you aren't satisfied with her response, decide whether the friendship is fulfilling for you, or depleting. If it's the latter, taper off your interactions with her over time.

[GlindaofOz]

I'm actually the same way. I prefer to keep my friends separate. I don't know why but its pretty much been that way my whole life. My friends all know of each other and have all met at one time or another. Some of my friends do not like one another or their personalities are so different that I know two people may clash on sight of one another as a result I tend to keep people compartmentalized.

Actually now that I'm thinking of it a lot of my girlfriends do the same thing. I've actually never met some of the friends of my close friends. I've never thought anything of it though because I enjoy the time I spend with all of my friends so I don't worry about how they spend the rest of their time.

As everyone else has said if this does not work for you then you have two options 1) dump the friendship or 2) lead by example.