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lisalou · Aug 31, 2007, 09:03 AM

I am not sending this letter, we have been split up for nearly two months now. We have many mutual friends and I have been avoiding social situations where he is going to be - I do not want to do this forever though. Help me make some sense please and advise me on what to do.

"why am i stressing myself out thinking of the time i have to see you again? Am I afraid to see you happy without me? What will we be like with one another? It will be hard to be near you and not be your girlfriend, you have already told me you are no longer in love with me and that hurts me a lot. I just dont know when Ill be ready to see you. Do I still love you? I have no idea. My feelings are all sad when I actually think about you. I miss you nearly every day but I look to the future and have had some fun times but always slightly tainted sad really I guess. Even when i feel good I still feel this ache for what I have lost. I just dont know how I feel when I will see you because I know i'll want to talk to you and I know that we will get on but I dont know if i can cope with that and then walk away again. I think I will find this very hard. Will we be trying to get one up on one another? I dont think you would do that but still I think we will be putting on a brave face.

I go to sleep each night alone, I kissed someone to see if that would help, but all it made me think of was how I missed your kisses.

I know things weren't right and I am less angry now than I was, I guess I hurt because I still loved you and always did things to try and improve our relationship and I just felt that you werent bothered. It was always me trying to save it whilst you happily let it slip through your fingers, I dont feel that you ever valued it.

I know that I have been working hard to get myself over this, ive been going out with my friends, ive had many people there for me and on the whole i've really enjoyed myself but then I think about the fact that i'm avoiding things that you are at and it sinks in that I will have to see you again and it stresses me out because I think im going to end up back at square one again and all my hard work will be undone.

Maybe we should meet alone first, but its hardly going to be a happy occassion is it? The moment we are normal with one another its going to accentuate my hurt again, but then again meeting in front of everyone may be too much. "

Chery · Aug 31, 2007, 09:15 AM

Hey, I think you just spoke for a lot of other women in your situation.

I think it is straight from the heart.

Take care dear, chin up, and keep us posted.

This sounds old, but it's very true: Time Will Heal!

talaniman · Aug 31, 2007, 09:24 AM

Glad your not sending it. I do feel for your loss though, and know you'll be okay as long as you stay on the healing path.

lisalou · Aug 31, 2007, 10:32 AM

I know, but what to do about this meeting up thing? Its on my mind a lot lately - and I know that I'm not going to be able to avoid him forever, I'm doing a good job so far but there are things I am missing out on that I don't want to and vice versa. Am I going to damage myself by seeing him?

Have other people been in this situation? How do you cope? I'm worried I'm going to cry when I see him, I'm not good at holding in my emotions and am a very honest person.

How long do I wait? And thank you for your words

diya · Aug 31, 2007, 10:44 AM

Hey lisa, he's told you he has lost that love for you... what should one do with a man having no love for you... it's like losing self respect and dignity... relationships are all about mutual respect and if one loses it somewhere along the line for the other... then anyway it's not worth it at all. People hv their own reasons for leaving but you need to realize that God has diff reason for not letting that man stay in your life... think over it. It's not easy baby... but you need to very very strong... though I must say it's good u've poured it out all on paper but I am also glad u're not sending it...

Trouble321 · Aug 31, 2007, 10:46 AM

That's a tough situation... where you both belong to the same group of friends. It's not fair for you to stay home and grieve and stress out about this while he goes and has fun.

A couple questions:
1. How long were you together?
2. Were you part of the same group prior to becoming involved?

I know that the best thing to do is no contact and avoid social situations where your ex may be... but if that means not continuing some normalcy in your life then you really aren't healing.
The trick is to go back to the life you had before you even met your ex.

lisalou · Aug 31, 2007, 10:56 AM

3 years. We met through our group of friends - I have other friends but this is the main group where I live, it's a loarge group of people and I've seen them all separately and at different occasions so that's been great , but there are things that people want us both at - our friends bands gigs, leaving partys for people going away etc. We were best friends before we got together and he chased me and told me he loved me and we ended up being together for 3 years after things changed, he wasn't putting effort in and had been living apart for a year.

I have been meeting up with friends that I knew before and I'm off on hols with two girls from 'our' friendship group.

I believe he has been seeing a lot of his old friends too so we are both doing our fair share of staying away whilst the other enjoys our friends but for instance this evening he is going out for a birthday of one of the members of a band that we managed together and I was invited but I know I'm not ready to see him just yet so declined for that reason.

I know that when I see him I shall not be chasing for us to get back together, its over I know that - I put in a lot and in the end didn't get a lot back and I know I deserve a lot better than that but I still know I'm going to feel SICK when I see him as I'm a very sentimental person and I still hold love for him and there are no hard feelings really but I know I'm still going o feel like lashing out at him for being able to carry on without me etc...

Trouble321 · Aug 31, 2007, 11:04 AM

You seem to be dealing with the break up really well. Its not easy I know. I was with someone for 8 years (lived together for 5). I was really close to his mother and continued to see her on a regular basis thus avoiding him in the process.

Its all right to have those feelings... like u want to lash out on him. That is normal, just do NOT give him the satisfaction by acting on those emotions. Show no emotion, be stone so he can see that u are living your life fine without him.

You will know when u are ready to attend those functions regardless of whether he is there. It is not fair to decline invitations but you have to do what is best for you.

I would say if there are say... more than 50 guests and you can go with someone who will be your buffer and make sure you stay clear from each other. That might work.

Hang in there Lisa, you are doing really well.

lisalou · Aug 31, 2007, 11:10 AM

I've had time to accept it was going wrong, the living apart for a year, he kept stalling on moving back in together, I gave it my best shot - but in the end I wasn't getting from him what I needed, he used to be very affectionate but after settling into a relationship didn't feel that he needed to do that anymore, whereas I worked hard at keeping it alive.

I guess I do have to do what is best for me, its just always in the back of my head that I will have to see him again and its playing on my mind and I could do without that!

Trouble321 · Aug 31, 2007, 11:17 AM

I think its playing on your mind, because you are focused on it.
You need to refocus your attention.
Okay so maybe you don't feeel ready to date anyone new, I can understand that too.
There are other things that may help.
When my ex and I broke up 2 months ago, I bought like 6 books.
One on mediation, along with cds, yoga, "The little book of big emotions" oh and a book called "instant calm"
These things really helped me refocus.
Its all in the power of the mind!!

NiyaD · Jun 30, 2010, 08:03 PM

This is amazing what you wrote
By boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me 2 days ago and I am feeling the sexact same way
I was trying to hold the relationship together and work things out but it just seemed that everything I was doing was wrong
I felt like I did something wrong and that I wasn' t good enough

lisalou · Jul 1, 2010, 01:09 AM

wow. That was three years ago. It wasn't right, I loved him and he did me but we were not right. It takes two to make a relationship and I firmly believe that if one person is having to do all the work then the other person doesn't respect this, in fact their respect lessens over time. So there you are trying to claw everything back and they just let it go.
I am still single now but have had other mini relationships which have shown me how I have changed. I didn't chase, I let him come to me and I've got my confidence and spark back.
Keep yourself busy, I cannot recommend this enough, fill your life with new things and when you do see him again, though a shock, I burst into tears on the spot and shook! You'll be OK. I still see my ex now and he is now living with someone new, who is dull and not as good as me all my friends say, but maybe he needs that.
Take care, take what you can from it x x