[Pumpkiin_KaY08]

O.M.G thats AWESOME !!!

I've been through heas ov those situations...
So truE!
WoW!!

[boulotdodo]

This is just what I needed at the right time. It's things like this that are important!

[sovaira]

I just wantd to know what are you up to these days ?
Please do give us your updates FRIEND4U 178

We all here wuold like to hear from you.
As you will too feel better if you share with us.

[friend4u178]

Hi sovaira
I'm still here on the Desk most days reading and answering questions where I feel I can help out. And I am doing just fine. Thank you for asking :-)

[dancerwriter]

Thank you so much. I'm trying to completely let go of someone who has been pulling me along on a string, wants to date other women, but doesn't want to give me up.
I guess the hardest part is thinking that me leaving him probably won't affect him that much. How could it if he was willing to knowingly jeopardize the relationship?
I know that shouldn't be my focus right now, but it is the focus of my ego.
Should I email him and tell him never contact me again, or just not answer his emails and phone calls?
I think no contact is best?
Do you think he'll even care if I never contact him again? Right now he is off on a dance festival weekend without me (he had originally invited me, and then lied saying it was sold out), trying to meet other women, I assume. Or else he would have brought me. I know he will call when he gets back, because he always does and I always go back.
Do you think he'll care if I don't?

[talaniman]

I always go back.
Do you think he'll care if I don't?

The first thing you need to know is its not about him any more, its about you!! Disappear from his life, and don't answer his calls. Let him wonder, not you!

[dancerwriter]

But do you think he will wonder and if it will really bother him? We've been talking everyday and going out for 6 months.

[talaniman]

All of that needs to change, by disappearing from his life and ignoring his calls. Then he can't lie to you any more.

[dancerwriter]

True. Do you think he'll be happier without me?

[talaniman]

He is a liar, and do you really think I can speak for him or know what he thinks? Judging by his actions, he cares only for himself. Maybe that's why he can lie, to get what he wants.

[confused25]

true. do you think he'll be happier without me?

Don't worry about what makes him happy. Worry about what makes YOU happy. Take your life back and don't let anyone manipulate you with lies.

[Chery]

true. do you think he'll be happier without me?

Dear dancewriter.. no matter how many threads you jump to to ask the same questions, it still will not change the fact that he does not care!
Either you are secure in a relationship or you are not - and right now, you are confused and are going in the wrong direction. Stop jumping around posts, settle down and think things through. You might care about this jerk, but you care too much about how he cares about your actions, which you have absolutely no control over, and will never find out, no matter how many of us you ask.
You have to start thinking about YOURSELF, your feelings, your goals, your happiness - and NOT him! Stop clinging to something that you can't reach - and should not even worry about any more. His signals are clear to everyone else but you.. hello.. you are hurting yourself. Do you deserve to chastize yourself so much? I don't think so. You deserve better than what he can ever dish out. Get this dude out of your head and get your own life back.
We all have suggested that you go on and start living and enjoying yourself without being obsessed with this creap and I sincerely hope you take our advice serious.
It's your move next.
Keep us posted on your original thread about 'rebound' so that I don't have to jump around, please.


He's not going to change for you... You need to change for YOU!

[asking]

thank you so much. i'm trying to completely let go of someone who has been pulling me along on a string, wants to date other women, but doesn't want to give me up.
i guess the hardest part is thinking that me leaving him probably won't affect him that much. how could it if he was willing to knowingly jeopardize the relationship?
i know that shouldn't be my focus right now, but it is the focus of my ego.
should i email him and tell him never contact me again, or just not answer his emails and phone calls?
i think no contact is best?
do you think he'll even care if i never contact him again? right now he is off on a dance festival weekend without me (he had originally invited me, and then lied saying it was sold out), trying to meet other women, i assume. or else he would have brought me. i know he will call when he gets back, because he always does and i always go back.
do you think he'll care if i don't?

Hi Dancewriter, I just went through something similar, although not quite as extreme. Another older guy coming out of a long marriage who wants to play, but fell hard for me "unexpectedly." I tried to break off repeatedly because I could see he was bad news and everybody here told me to dump him. But somehow he'd always talk me into talking to him "for a few minutes" or letting him see me "one last time, just to hug me and say good bye." I'm a total softy. Before you know it I was sucked back in.

He did eventually stop dating others, but he was still a jerk, and as of last weekend, we are thankfully officially broken up. I feel like a train wreck, but I am still SOOO glad to be rid of him. He gave me his password several times (who knows why), so I finally gave into temptation and looked today, and in just 6 days, he's written to something like 50 women at a dating site and had long conversations with another half dozen at least. And that was a week when he had his son to look after. I expect next week, when he's alone, he'll get more action. Meanwhile, he wrote to me yesterday to tell me how heartbroken he was. Snicker. He has dating mania.

You ex boyfriend does not care. He is too busy to care and you should not think for a minute that he cares about you. You were simply convenient and, perhaps, unobjectionable. I agree he will likely call you when he gets back from his "dance" festival.

Don't take his calls! Block his number. This man is driving you nuts and he will give you an std if you let him.

Don't talk to him. You are obviously weak and cannot afford to spend another minute in his company.
Asking

[dancerwriter]

Hi did call as soon as he got back to town and left a voice message. I did not answer. He usually calls me everyday, so we'll see how long he keeps that up if I don't answer him.
I know he doesn't care, which sucks. If he does care, it's in a really ed up way and obviously not enuf not to push me away. I don't even want him to care anymore. He's so screwed up because all the lying, I never know who he really is.
I don't think he cares about anything really. Except his job and himself and he's kind of sad his marriage ended.
Anyway, I just got back from a co-dependency 12 step meeting (my first in many years) and it was really good. I think I'm going to go next Sunday night too.

Thanks for writing. Let me know how the break up goes. How did you finally get rid of him and how long did you date?
Whatever that password thing is, get yourself off the list. Get off Facebook, or whatever. And get on with another name.

[Chery]

Dear asking and dancerwriter. Just a reminder of what this thread is about... and I suggest that you two start new threads of your own so that we can follow-up and concentrate on your particular issues there. It is easy, all you have to do is 'ask a new question' and vent there. That way you will get our full attention and more people can answer to you individually.

I've been on this site for almost a month now. When I found it, I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.

So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

Then you'll get serious about no contact. This is where you LET GO , It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

And the universe will take care of the rest."

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT!!!

[asking]

Dear asking and dancerwriter. Just a reminder of what this thread is about...

Apologies!
Asking

[Chery]

Apologies!
Asking

None necessary my dear. I just think it is easier to concentrate on your issue and questions when I don't have to look for them. I don't usually come to this thread because it is a 'sticky' and we don't expect people to ask new questions here, that's all. Please don't think you were wrong in posting, we are here for you and want to help. I hope to see more of you here on the site.

C.U. on the forum.

[friend4u178]

None necessary my dear. I just think it is easier to concentrate on your issue and questions when I don't have to look for them. I don't usually come to this thread because it is a 'sticky' and we don't expect people to ask new questions here, that's all. Please don't think you were wrong in posting, we are here for you and want to help. I hope to see more of you here on the site.

C.U. on the forum.

Yep exactly... I understand how people ask questions here and that's why we try to redirect you to the forum so you can ask your question/tell your story. That way you will all get a better audience and far more answers.

Thank you again Chery... had to spread the rep :-)

[Alty]

Wow, F4U, I just found this, I was looking for some advice to give my cousin, her husband asked for a divorce yesterday. I will definitely read her your post. All I can say is WOW! Really, write a book, you have an amazing gift.

[makedeals]

Heartache