[Kia]

I have a question. Is it normal for guys to try to test women in relationships? I seem to have an issue, that eventually leads to a breakup because the guy always wants to see what I'm like when I'm angry. Is it wrong to want a peaceful relationship 90% of the time?

I know I can be kind of hotheaded and mean... if I let myself go there. I just tell guys that I don't like to be mad. I try to explain this to the guys I deal with and they keep pushing because I seem so "calm", and then I blow up, insult them, curse them out and break up with them. I just don't have patience for immature behavior, or someone purposely trying to push my buttons just to see what I will do.
Sometimes I want to call back but I never do because there's seems to be this whole
" revenge" thing; usually because I have said some really mean things to them.

Is this normal? should I learn to " pass this test"? If so, how.

[GlindaofOz]

No. Doing that is extremely immature and cruel. No one should "test" you in a relationship. There is no reason for someone to provoke you to explode to see how you react. A relationship is not a science experiment.

Also no you are not wrong to want a peaceful relationship that's what most people want.

[jjjbbb222333]

I don't no

[NeedKarma]

No. doing that is extremely immature and cruel. No one should "test" you in a relationship.

Yet there are relationship 'experts' on this board that advocate that women do this all the time and it is normal.

[s_cianci]

Are you sure that the guys' "immature behavior" or "pushing your buttons" is the real problem? You seem to have a short fuse and that's a turnoff for any respectable guy. It sounds like you need to work on controlling your temper ; maybe consider some anger management classes.

[angie_needs_help_101]

I have a question. Is it normal for guys to try to test women in relationships? I seem to have an issue, that eventually leads to a breakup because the guy always wants to see what I'm like when I'm angry. Is it wrong to want a peaceful relationship 90% of the time?

I know I can be kind of hotheaded and mean....if I let myself go there. I just tell guys that I dont like to be mad. I try to explain this to the guys I deal with and they keep pushing because I seem so "calm", and then I blow up, insult them, curse them out and break up with them. I just don't have patience for immature behavior, or someone purposely trying to push my buttons just to see what I will do.
Sometimes I want to call back but I never do because there's seems to be this whole
" revenge" thing; usually because I have said some really mean things to them.

Is this normal?, should I learn to " pass this test"? If so, how.

Yeah guys will always test a girl well they way to help you is that tell the guy straight up that you don't like immarute behavior and that it is not your way to go. Because if he is true he will understand that. Control your anger and just be yourself guys will like you for who you are!!

[Kia]

I feel u. Maybe I should try saying that. I guess I just assume that once you hit 25ish, you kindve cut most immature behavior.

To SCianci: The thing is that I can have a disagreement without blowing up; but that's part of the issue. Guys see that I handle most issues in a calm way, or don't raise my voice and act stupid; but that's not enough. Ive been told that I'm to clam, or like nothing bothers me. This is not true. My life can get very, very stressful; but I look at a relationship as a place where I should be able to find peace from the stressful world. I'm not saying everything is perfect. I know there will be reasonable things to argue about as time goes on. But, stuff like not picking up the phone to talk because you know I'm upset, or changing plans at the last minute when you have known about an event for a long time, or knowing I'm upset about something you did, but dwelling on the fact that I'm so calm about it.
It makes me feel like I'm being challenged or something, or mocked for my calmness in some way. That's when get more angry.

[nicespringgirl]

Test?
Hm... I think you can always do a survey on him.;)

[shygrneyzs]

I would ask you if you are setting yourself up, for failure or disappointment, at all in these relationships? Sometimes we pick people, rather unconsciously, that will throw everything at us and then step back to wait for our meltdown.

Are you respecting yourself? I can understand you having no patience with immature behavior - who should put up with that in anyone? If someone is an adult, then they should act responsibly. Trying to push someone's buttons just because they can, is really a poor substitute for decency. But ask yourself if you are somehow attracted to guys who end up doing this to you.

Have you done much reading into what people do to themselves as far as defeating themselves, being emotionally mismatched with another, etc.
Some sites, to give you an idea:
Being an Emotional Victim
Inner Bonding: Relationship Advice, Relationship Help, Spiritual Growth, Parenting Advice
DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIPS by Rod E. Smith MSMFT
Coloring Therapy - Elements of Personal and Collective Self-Sabotage

I can be on the wrong track here and if I am, my apologies. But I sense since this is a recurring problem in your relationships, you have some deeper things to work through in your life. Not all men are like the ones you described. Yes, many are, but not all of them. Good luck to you.

[Kia]

That's interesting...

[Kia]

I skimmed through some of those articles, but I didn't see much information about your statement of somehow attracting guys who have this behavior towards me.
Could you elaborate on that? How might I be attracting someone who wants to push my buttons? Are you saying that it is a form of disrespect as well as immature behavior, or something else...

[shygrneyzs]

Yes, sometimes we set ourselves up for this kind of relationship. We have a lack of self respect and self esteem. Poor choices are made and it comes out in those choices. Women are not the only ones who do this - men do this too. It does not mean we are bad people but we make bad choices. Not by deliberation but by some subconscious workings in our heart and mind.

I used to be one of those people who "tested" boyfriends. I did not always do that, in fact I was one who was the tested one - like you. When I decided I was not going to accept that, I became the tester. Figured it was a matter of self preservation - I would get them before they got me. Thank heavens I woke up one day and said I could not stand myself any longer and went to see a counselor.

He helped me see the things I did not want to hear about and start to work creatively, rather than destructively. When a person is not healthy inside, how can there be a healthy relationship with another person? When a person identifies their own trigger points, then they can learn how to deal with others who push at those points. Instead of blowing up, you can learn to remain calm and say, "I am not playing your game" and walk away.

I am not saying you are immature. I truly feel you are trying very hard to make a relationship work. Everyone has their point of no return - everyone has. When you reach that part where the pot boils over. That happens because someone else has been in charge of turning up the heat. Figure out when this heat is being turned up on you and why and then how to cool down before the worst happens. You make yourself your own victim when you repeat your behavior. That is not to say you can never be angry or upset. You can be. Sometimes you should be, depending on what is going on. But when someone is egging this on in you... you make the choice to remain above it.

Does that any better sense to you now?

[ordinaryguy]

Well, I can understand getting irritated at people who make a game of trying to push you over the edge, but if you were REALLY calm, there wouldn't BE an edge to be pushed over. They can probably sense that your apparent calmness is perhaps a bit contrived and a certain kind of person takes it as a challenge to see if they can expose the fraud. You're right, it's immature and unkind, a cowardly way out of having to deal with an unpleasant situation. Of course, you don't need to hang around with such people, and the better you get at recognizing them, the easier it will be to exit their company BEFORE you go all ballistic on them. Thereby avoiding the damage to your composure, and simultaneously depriving them of the satisfaction of seeing you blow.

[Kia]

That was good advice. Thanks. I guess I will try to identify my push points. But it is true, little dumb things people do irritate me. My irritation probably shows a little, but I make a conscious decision not to go overboard with how I feel about it. I'm sure people can sense that I am holding back. But on the flip side they did something stupid so they were looking for a reaction anyway I guess.

The good thing though is that I don't stay mad long, I blow up and then I'm pretty okay by the next day. But usually the relationship is over by then.. lol

[ordinaryguy]

But on the flip side they did something stupid so they were looking for a reaction anyway I guess.

Well, I don't know. When I do something stupid, it's hardly ever because I'm looking for a reaction. Usually it's because I'm paying attention to the wrong thing.

The good thing though is that I don't stay mad long, I blow up and then I'm pretty okay by the next day. But usually the relationship is over by then.. lol

Yes, well, you do have to realize that while YOU may be okay by the next day, the person you flamed out on may still be reeling for days or even weeks afterward. Angry, hurtful accusatory words have consequences, one of which is that they tend to make relationships short, or bitter, or both. If you persist in using them on people close to you, the relationships that survive will be with people who have developed a very thick skin, probably at the expense of their sense of empathy, sensitivity and kindness. Is that the kind of person you want to be around all the time?