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cocacolagirl · Aug 27, 2007, 10:09 PM

I was 18 when I had my daughter and was married a few weeks later. My husband has just told me that he likes someone he works with. I went through the same thing myself but got over it quickly. He is having a harder time and has told me he doesn't want to be with me. We have been together 4 years and married 3 years. I was just wondering if anyone knew some good advice. Should I make the first move and leave him? Or should I try and fight for this marriage to work? That is what I really want. And to throw a curve in it we have two daughters.:confused:

kp2171 · Aug 27, 2007, 10:24 PM

Generally id say try your best to keep the marriage... if he doesn't follow through you can still look yourself in the mirror and say it wasn't for a lack of your trying.

But you sound like you are half out the door anyway, and I don't mean that as a slam. To ask if you should just make the first move seems like you are resigned to this being over most likely. But then you do say you want it to last.

So... you've been able to work through the issue of knowing there are other people in your life that interest you. You've been true to your vows, near as I can tell. He's struggling with this. All you can do is all you can do.

I think you need to talk to him about the marriage. What is he unhappy about? Is he honestly interested in life without you and the noise of a divorce?

All you really need is the truth, no matter how tough it is. Try to talk to him without being accusing. I'm in a great marriage, but its had some rough spots. It takes work.

Do you want the marriage to last for the girls, or are you honestly still in love with him?

Homegirl 50 · Aug 27, 2007, 11:08 PM

You can't make a person be with you if they don't want to be. Ask him if he wants to try to work things out, although he has already told you he wants out. But ask any way. If he says no, then leave. There is no point in staying in a marriage that only one person wants to be in. You will end up resenting each other.
I wish you well.

rkim291968 · Aug 28, 2007, 12:23 AM

I've seen numerous of this type of marriage where couples just married too early and do not have enough maturity/courage/understanding to stay together. If you both had an affair on top of that, it is really unrealistic for you to stay together. I believe trying to stay married at this point would just prolong the inevitable. My 2 cents but ultimately (and deep down inside), I think you know what you need to do.

cocacolagirl · Aug 29, 2007, 05:33 PM

While I did appreciate everything every one said, I think more information might be needed. My husband has cheated 3 times, and I think it is linked to being sexually abused as a child by his step father. His mom is no longer with this man, but he has never really had help, and I am the only one he has ever told. I think he needs to prove to himself that he likes women. But besides that I have not cheated on him. I became friends with someone I went to school with, his girlfriend dumbed him the day after valentines day and we had a bond because I was having no success in getting my husband to do anything. Clean (he was a stay at home dad), look for work, or spend time with me. I asked this friend to help me find a computer and we went shopping together. Afterwards we went to a fast food restaurant together (I didn't even consider it a date) Once there we were laughing, talking, and having a good time together. I realized I liked him more than a friend at that moment. After, I left and have had no communication with him since. I wouldn't exactly call that cheating. My husband has never been "intemet" with another woman, but he has kissed, and received hickies from other women. This latest thing is a 17 year old girl asked him out and he said yes, now he is even saying that he loves her on his my space. He won't talk to me and has now left. He has informed me that he does not want to see our children and is doing drugs. I want to stay with him, but I don't want him doing the things that are illegal. If any of you have some more advice that would be great. Thank you.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 30, 2007, 05:28 PM

Have yourself checked for Stds and leave. You don't want your children raised around that type of thing and you will drive yourself nuts.
Face the fact that the marriage is over.

kp2171 · Aug 30, 2007, 10:30 PM

I think you need to demand more for yourself and for your children.

A false sense of security is not good enough, in my opinion, to stay in a relationship that is this screwed. Telling yourself you are better with him is just a coping mechanism that hides the truth.

You cannot save another person. You should not settle for being treated poorly. You should set an example for your kids concerning the respect that should be given in a relationship. At this point, he's just not engaged.

You don't want to be alone. That's absolutely reasonable. So don't be alone. Be with your kids. Be with yourself. And find someone who isn't afraid to be a devoted husband.

buggage · Aug 31, 2007, 07:27 AM

He has already given up on the marriage, and is not taking your safety, or your children's safety into consideration. It doesn't matter what happened to him as a child, or what he feels he needs to prove. He's not the only one that things like this have happened to, but the difference is some people learn from it, let it make them stronger and move on. Others allow it to define who they are, and who they forever will be. Being married to you should have been enough PROOF. It sounds to me as though he has a lot of things he needs to settle himself, things you can't help him with , and shouldn't have to. Maybe he will figure it out some day, maybe he won't. Either way, he has left you, and voluntarily dumped his children from his life. This is not the kind of person you should WANT to be with, nor for your children to look up to. Is this the kind of man you want your daughters to seek out for future companions? The saying that women look for guys like their dads and boys look for girls like their moms, well, its usually true, whether we admit it or not. And if he is the only example they have known, they will not know they can do better. After all, it was good enough for their mom, wasn't it? Right now, its your turn to step up, to be the mom they need, the example they need. You are not the one giving up, he is. And already has. I agree with the statement to get yourself checked for stds. Make a better life for you and your kids. You deserve better, and if that is what you strive for, you will GET better things too.

Dennis777 · Aug 31, 2007, 08:11 AM

Hello.

Sending you a Great Big Hug...

It's not your fault, it's not the fact he was abused, he is a total Jerk and only cares about himself, It's that simple. Some boys grow into Men and some don't and you found one that hasn't grown into a Man and from the sounds of it never will. Let that 17 year old have him and move on with your life. If not for you do it for your kids. They should be in a home with Love and you can give that to them without him around. IN time you will find Mr. Right and live your happy ever after life but for now stand up tall and show yourself and the world you can do it.

Dennis777

carly381 · Nov 22, 2007, 09:22 AM

Really You Should Both Sit Down and discuss what you both want and also try and keep your daughters partially updated on the problems then they will know what to expect... if you married out of love he won't stop loving you.