[rob453]

Want to live on-campus housing for at least one year, because it would help me facilite studying and getting involved in other on-campus activities, make friends. For first year I tried her option, communing and it stinked. And commuting was hassle with 1h - 1hL40 min commuting depending on which campus I had classes. I go to DePaul in Chicago in big city. So I received notification that I got on-campus housing and I am vetry happy about it. I figured out I will be able to pay for that and I'll include that with my loan. I talked with my mother about it but she is always negative. I told her how it is big chace to help me grow up, become more independent and responsible, then she conclued I can do that do under her house too (and her strict rules). She tries to scare me that I will only get in debt and I'l never get out of it. She even reasoned that America is going down the economy (besides we are Polish and she very religious and sometimes superstitous) .Then why I would go to go to college in first place if the world is due? When I was talking to her instead of sitting by table and listen to me with interest, she was moving around kitchen and rolled eyes how roomates will make mess in my room, and I am screwing my future. She said one of our neighbours goes to college too and he even commutes 2 h each way. I do not believe that. When I explained that how my degree gives good chance to earn good money (computer science), she even reasoned on that matter with falling economy!
Anyway I decided to live on-campus and I got confirmation and approval from financial aid to use funds to cover room and board too. But I did not tell her yet. What should I do? What if my mother threats me to cut me from my private student loan on my name (which had to be cosigned by my father). As I need it to cover the gap that financial aid did not cover. She used to warn me to prevent me from going to college if I did something wrong. Should I then decide to go to military and tell her? I would prefer to do tell or do something wiser than just sneak out or warn about military. Living on campus will even help me with keeping side job and having health insurace through employer and even pay interest while at school without having parents to ask. Currently I work in suburbs an go to school in city, it is not good if I decide to keep 20-25 h per week. I told her that but she is still negative.

PS. I will be sophomore and I am 20 years old.

[Chery]

Wow, that's hard. I hope you get this solved to everyone's benefit.
Did you talk to your father about this. Is there a chance that your teachers might want to give you a hand in this and explain the pros and cons of enough rest instead of getting up early to commute?
Can you reassure your mother that you will not fall into 'evil hands' while living on campus?
You could make a list of all the positive reasons and what she thinks are the negative reasons and try to explain them.

I hope you can work it out and will cross my fingers for you.

[rob453]

Wow, that's hard. I hope you get this solved to everyone's benefit.
Did you talk to your father about this. Is there a chance that your teachers might want to give you a hand in this and explain the pros and cons of enough rest instead of getting up early to commute?
Can you reassure your mother that you will not fall into 'evil hands' while living on campus?
You could make a list of all the positive reasons and what she thinks are the negative reasons and try to explain them.

I hope you can work it out and will cross my fingers for you.

Well my father is not too often communicating with my mother because he drives around country and works as truck driver. Besides my mother dominates as boos. My mother don't speak English so even if I had available to talk to her directly that would not help. There is NO other members like aunts, cousings near us that would help see her my sides. Not only that, she met many negative people, that said that even my school is not good. Those were some Polish who are either jelous and want to screw up others lives or very big skeptics. Not all of them are like that. I have one Polish friend who lives on campus but he lives far away from me so he can't help me. I have an older married sister. She insisted on the beginning that I live with parents too, but later she moved with us with children and I had distraction, noises. She escaped then from husband. She came back and she may return any time soon. She was even going to her herself job and apartment, despite the fact that would be very hard since she is not legal. When I mentioned to my mother that, some bulb lighted up, and told then " I do not know", tell you sister about". That's all.

[Chery]

Sorry to hear that your mom does not have many options to communicate, and the only other language I know is German.

But try the list of pros and cons, i.e.

pro
you get more rest

con (place what your mom thinks here) ? it will cost more ?

you can study better
without distractions

? she will be alone ?

you can make new friends

? ah, but they are not good for you ?

See what I mean? Make your list of 'pro' as long as possible, keep on stressing the fact the you want and need this education for your future and that she is not going to lose you.

If you are serious about joining the military, please tell her that this is one option that you might take if she is still too negative about your education.
I would not keep this secret as it has entered your mind, and I'm sure this might help your mother see how serious this is for you.

Again, good luck.

Arguing with your mother might hurt a bit, but it's better than running away - that hurts more.

[Wondergirl]

Wow! You're the fourth person I've answered here during the past week or so who attends DePaul. (I wonder if you all know each other from classes... wouldn't that be funny!)

The other three had similar problems of living in the suburbs, trying to hold down a job, and commuting into the city--and still getting occasional sleep, and all wanted to live on campus.

DePaul is an excellent college. It is highly rated and has a rich history. One of my coworkers has quit work to get a job there on campus while she is in the grad law program. DePaul is in a fantastic location too--near the Loop, near the lake, and near lively Chicago neighborhoods such as Bucktown and Lincoln Park. I truly envy you! You have a terrific future ahead of you (and the economy is not falling).

I don't remember if you mentioned being male or female. No matter, your mother is trying to protect you from monsters she thinks are out there (but aren't). She believes in them probably because she doesn't or won't go out there to look for them to see if they are real. Could you take photos of DePaul and bright spots and people in the area to make this more real for her? I'd suggest you take her there by Northwestern (Burlington?) and show her the sights, but she might become even more negative, looking for all the evils of the city.

Even if your mother convinces your father not to help you any longer, there are ways to get past that. Talk with financial aid at school and tell them the situation. They will help you through this.

Now I feel like adopting you...

P.S. I'm from a German Lutheran background. The older generation was always so critical and worried about us young ones... the sky was always falling and we were fated for misery. That must be the European "old country" point of view when living in a new country. Nothing is as good as the old, and the new = bad. I feel your pain. Just get your own act together like you seem to be doing, and then gently but firmly tell your parents how you've solved each problem.

[rob453]

[QUOTE=Wondergirl]Wow! You're the fourth... QUOTE]

Hi. Actually I am not the fourth person. I asked here before about off-campus housing, however, luckily I got apartment on-campus and I will share with 3 other roomates living room, bathroom and kitchen. I will be either living at 2 bedroom or one single. There are two double bedrooms or one double and two singles. And this location is close to Fulletron Station, McCabe Hall by big stadion that you watch from Fullerton Station. Now the only problem I have left is too have my family to accept the fact that I am going out on my own and I will take on myself more financial obligations. You see when I was telling them they either tell they cannot affortd, and when I tell to take it on myself, that I will get in very large debt like one of their "friends" who after graduation started to earn good money but her parents help her with costs?! I do know, we do not know even much that person and exactly everything about her, and she uses her example. Or other more silly.

Next little problem will be with job. I currently work at Starbucks in Woodfield. I will have either to transfer in city or quit and find another job. I talked with my manager and she still wants me to work there in September. I do not have my own parking at depaul, Ican get but I have to buy and is not guaranteed. I will have to find parking with my friend who lives somewhere off-campus, but overall I would prefer not to drive from city to woodfield day after day. It will only burn lot of gas and during morning there is big traffic. It is hard to change schedule or transfer by yourself;yet, my manager can even momentally change my schedule on the same day I come to work in order to work for someone else shift, because either someone did not come or is ill. And this job is little bit hell, the worst is in Christmas season. I started to hate this job and I will probably look for other job, despite its good benefits, like full benefits just from 20 h per week.

Hopefully this two problem will solve somehow well. I plan to tell my sister as soon as I can personally and then my mother and father. I won't rather tell just mom first, because she so freaks out with pesimism. Sometimes I feel that my mother prevents me from having own life although there is nothing evil in it. It is just empty. Since I moved to chicago I have not made any friends. I made many "friends" but no close relationships. All my friends have gone in summer to vacation somewhere with someone. I have no one and I have not been anywhere. And this year I plan to join fraternity and hopefully it will turn out very well. Although I came to live on-campus for academic reason, I also come there for social ones.

[Wondergirl]

I suspect the social part will improve as you get involved in campus activities. I am worried about your long drive from Schaumburg. Certainly there's a Starbucks a lot closer to DePaul -- could you transfer??

[rob453]

I suspect the social part will improve as you get involved in campus activities. I am worried about your long drive from Schaumburg. Certainly there's a Starbucks a lot closer to DePaul -- could you transfer???

Certainly I started to hate working there and I will look for job on campus. (off-campus too). I am sure they will have openings in tge beginning of fall. Yeah, the driving from city to Schaumburg seems to be very inconvienient and I will probably quit even without giving two-weeks notice. Anyway I have worked there only month and having refernece from employer will not help me anyway. It seems to me that many people there come and go (quit). Schedule change very dynamically. You'll come one day to work and suddenly they want you to stay longer or do shift for someone else. Unfortunantly the very nature of its job itself is like that. And I calculated working there 20 h per week for $7.80/h would give me less than $600 per month. I do not think it is worth to kill myself for this job, don't you?

[Chery]

I wish you luck in finding a job that you like and that does not drain you of the energy you need.

As far as your mother goes, I think she will get over the disappointment once you have established new friendships, new job, and education - she will eventually see how much happier and healthier your attitude is and be glad for you. After all, she knows that you will not stay 'under her roof' forever.

In all families, that first step is always the hardest - but parents all around the world know that it's going to happen and will survive.

My idea of happiness for my daughter is different from hers, but I still love her and am proud. That's all part of life.

[rob453]

I wish you luck in finding a job that you like and that does not drain you of the energy you need.

As far as your mother goes, I think she will get over the disappointment once you have established new friendships, new job, and education - she will eventually see how much happier and healthier your attitude is and be glad for you. After all, she knows that you will not stay 'under her roof' forever.

In all families, that first step is always the hardest - but parents all around the world know that it's going to happen and will survive.

My idea of happiness for my daughter is different from hers, but I still love her and am proud. That's all part of life.

Thanks. As far as regarding job at Starbucks I am thinking about how "gently" quit. Giving notice is now little too late, because my employer requires 2-week in advice, although I told her that I will live on campus and I would like to trasfer. So this let her to know 1 more person is needed. She said she will still need me, but she still hires new people and hopefully after I quit, her store will not be in chaos. I am prefer not to just not show up and ingore call. I may still be someday there to order a drink and I do not want to be anyone there mad at me :) I would tell her now that I am quitting but I am afraid she would terminate me now and cut me from other days that I have left. So I am thinking about making a story and tell her 2 days before my shift starts.

I have told my mother and sister that I got on-campus housing. Well money was issue, but it apperad that it is more how I will live there. I am little bit messy guy, and they tissed me that now my roomates will make me mess or be mad at me for being mess. My mom is worried about someone stealing my walllet and using credit cards. Well there should be for that lockbox or if not I will buy my own small safebox when I sleep.

In addition later in my life there will be another brick wall to break. It is that I like guys more than girls, I am gay. And I wonder how my family will accept this fact that I will lead different life than they expect. What when I find my partner of my life Mr. Right and a time to tell will come. However I may be wrong, because I have not yet "tried" with girl before and emotionally I like them. But I never reacted on them, unlike on guys. So I think I am not straight for sure. Why my family may not accept that? Because we are Polish and most Polish are catholic. And Catholic church in Poland represents more fundamentalism in Europe than churches in other parts of Europe. In villages it is fenomen, people make pilgrims on streets, even funerals, and people worship figures, pictures or other form of arts and pay a lot of attention to life afterward. I wish the Our Polish Church could focus more on current life and teaching on relationship with our brothers and sisters than just only with God. We would have then less bigotry and more people acting from heart and mind than cold, and unhappy "blind followers." However I talk rather about old generations which are our parents, grandfathers. The new one is totally diversified.


--

[kp2171]

Buddy, hang in there.

Do what you know is right for you... even if it takes more time, more work, and is a harder path. Respecting your parents does not mean do all they wish. I think she's out of bounds. I think you have a good plan.

I have a friend whose mother all but sabotaged her ability to go to school financially. She hung in there... did the best she could, and got it done. I hope your mothers threats are hollow. If not, don't lose hope. There are lots of ways to get an education. If financially things fall apart id suggest community colleges. It's a way to get your first year or two out of the way at a cheaper price, and still be able to transfer in and get the degree from the school you want.

You sound like you are of sound mind and spirit. You are already ahead of the game. Whatever happens, trust in yourself and see your goals to the end, even if its not by the most convenient path.

Good luck.

[Chery]

I agree with Kp...

Nothing in life is easy, and we all have to take those first steps to 'leave the nest' and find our own paths in life.

Take one issue at a time and get on with your life. Your mother will continuously find problems and reasons for you not to leave, but she will realize in the end that you have a right to seek your own happiness. She loves you and will eventually understand.

As far as your sexuality is concerned, I would not tell her right now - that would just make things harder on you with your family - or do you want to totally break from them? Deal with your roommates as an adult, and try to keep up with being tidy, this is your first time away from home and we all have to learn somewhere.. With finances, do the best you can with the options available, just like everyone else. As I said before, nothing in life is easy.

So, set your goals, strive to reach them and be proud of what you achieved, then your family will also be proud of you.

Don't forget though, this will not all happen over night - it takes time and work.

Get the education you want, and good luck.

[scouter5]

wanna live on-campus housing for at least one year, because it would help me facilite studying and getting involved in other on-campus activities, make friends. For first year I tried her option, communing and it stinked. And commuting was hassle with 1h - 1hL40 min commuting depending on which campus I had classes. I go to DePaul in Chicago in big city. So I received notification that I got on-campus housing and I am vetry happy about it. I figured out I will be able to pay for that and I'll include that with my loan. I talked with my mother about it but she is always negative. I told her how it is big chace to help me grow up, become more independent and responsible, then she conclued I can do that do under her house too (and her strict rules). She tries to scare me that I will only get in debt and I'l never get out of it. She even reasoned that America is going down the economy (besides we are Polish and she very religious and sometimes superstitous) .Then why I would go to go to college in first place if the world is due? When I was talking to her instead of sitting by table and listen to me with interest, she was moving around kitchen and rolled eyes how roomates will make mess in my room, and I am screwing my future. She said one of our neighbours goes to college too and he even commutes 2 h each way. I do not believe that. When I explained that how my degree gives good chance to earn good money (computer science), she even reasoned on that matter with falling economy!
Anyway I decided to live on-campus and I got confirmation and approval from financial aid to use funds to cover room and board too. But I did not tell her yet. What should I do? what if my mother threats me to cut me from my private student loan on my name (which had to be cosigned by my father). As I need it to cover the gap that financial aid did not cover. She used to warn me to prevent me from going to college if I did something wrong. Should I then decide to go to military and tell her? I would prefer to do tell or do something wiser than just sneak out or warn about military. Living on campus will even help me with keeping side job and having health insurace through employer and even pay interest while at school without having parents to ask. Currently I work in suburbs an go to school in city, it is not good if I decide to keep 20-25 h per week. I told her that but she is still negative.

PS. I will be sophmore and I am 20 years old.

Try to be understanding of your mother's upbringing. When family breaks up it causes a lot of stress. Good stress is to be found so you can succeed. Dwelling on the negatives gives you more negatives. Your mother gave you a great base to start with. You are talking about college not what your probation officer expects of you. She wants you to be alert and cautious so you won't be taken advantage of. Thank her for caring. Reassure her often that you will heed to all the warnings and remember the tender loving care she gave you when you where a toddler. Ask for a picture of her that you can take with you.
These are challenging times for you. Later you will need her advice so don't think negative about your mother. She did a fine job raising you.
Scouter5.

[scouter5]

Try to be understanding of your mother's upbringing. When family breaks up it causes a lot of stress. Good stress is to be found so you can succeed. Dwelling on the negatives gives you more negatives. Your mother gave you a great base to start with. You are talking about college not what your probation officer expects of you. She wants you to be alert and cautious so you won't be taken advantage of. Thank her for caring. Reassure her often that you will heed to all the warnings and remember the tender loving care she gave you when you where a toddler. Ask for a picture of her that you can take with you.
These are challenging times for you. Later you will need her advice so don't think negative about your mother. She did a fine job raising you.
Scouter5.

[Toms777]

wanna live on-campus housing for at least one year, because it would help me facilite studying and getting involved in other on-campus activities, make friends. For first year I tried her option, communing and it stinked. And commuting was hassle with 1h - 1hL40 min commuting depending on which campus I had classes. I go to DePaul in Chicago in big city. So I received notification that I got on-campus housing and I am vetry happy about it. I figured out I will be able to pay for that and I'll include that with my loan. I talked with my mother about it but she is always negative. I told her how it is big chace to help me grow up, become more independent and responsible, then she conclued I can do that do under her house too (and her strict rules). She tries to scare me that I will only get in debt and I'l never get out of it. She even reasoned that America is going down the economy (besides we are Polish and she very religious and sometimes superstitous) .Then why I would go to go to college in first place if the world is due? When I was talking to her instead of sitting by table and listen to me with interest, she was moving around kitchen and rolled eyes how roomates will make mess in my room, and I am screwing my future. She said one of our neighbours goes to college too and he even commutes 2 h each way. I do not believe that. When I explained that how my degree gives good chance to earn good money (computer science), she even reasoned on that matter with falling economy!
Anyway I decided to live on-campus and I got confirmation and approval from financial aid to use funds to cover room and board too. But I did not tell her yet. What should I do? what if my mother threats me to cut me from my private student loan on my name (which had to be cosigned by my father). As I need it to cover the gap that financial aid did not cover. She used to warn me to prevent me from going to college if I did something wrong. Should I then decide to go to military and tell her? I would prefer to do tell or do something wiser than just sneak out or warn about military. Living on campus will even help me with keeping side job and having health insurace through employer and even pay interest while at school without having parents to ask. Currently I work in suburbs an go to school in city, it is not good if I decide to keep 20-25 h per week. I told her that but she is still negative.

PS. I will be sophmore and I am 20 years old.

Tell her you love her, kiss her, wave her goodbye, but keep in touch.

Tom

[rob453]

Thanks guy. Great answers.