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Ash123 · Aug 21, 2007, 03:30 PM

My good friend is now dating a girl who's dad was an alcoholic who roughed her up/grabbed her when he was drunk... and after AA he became a new guy... but the scars are still there he says - even though he lives down the street and they go to church on Sunday...

He says she gets depressed (takes anti-depressants) and feels he is judging her too much sometimes for her actions. He says he just gives opinions and now is walking on egg shells...

Can she rise from this? They are quite a couple when happy?

I told him to be himself and take his time.

I just don't know if these things work out and how - and what the mentality/pathology of a woman with a couple years (ages 3-4-or 5?) like that in her past...

Hmmmmmmm.

Been on either side?

kitty-kat19 · Aug 21, 2007, 05:25 PM

Originally Posted by Ash123

My good friend is now dating a girl who's dad was an alcoholic who roughed her up/grabbed her when he was drunk.....and after AA he became a new guy...but the scars are still there he says - even though he lives down the street and they go to church on sunday...

He says she gets depressed (takes anti-depressants) and feels he is judging her too much sometimes for her actions. he says he just gives opinions and now is walking on egg shells....

Can she rise from this? They are quite a couple when happy?

I told him to be himself and take his time.

I just don't know if these things work out and how - and what the mentality/pathology of a woman with a couple years (ages 3-4-or 5?) like that in her past...

Hmmmmmmm.

Been on either side?

I've been on her side... alot... the best thing for your friend to do is just be there and try to understand where she's coming from and just be patient... she may not always want to talk but sometimes its nice to just have someone there... its really hard after someone you're suppose to be able to trust treats you so badly and unfortunately others who would never do that end up paying for it... as for the mentality... there's not really anything logical about... I lock up when someone even looks at me like my father did... it takes time...

Ash123 · Aug 21, 2007, 08:38 PM

He said she is an angel... But she has to take Paxil... And then when stress hits she melts and pushes him away... And asked to break up with him 2x to be alone for once (married a while) but she often corcles back... I think he oughta walk - but he loves her. But she wants A LOT. 100% acceptance - even if it's not natural to him... She likes to feel a women can even join them one day if the time is right, and while it's sexy, he's like Whhaaa? And it seems she wants to test all bounds - and hates to be judged on what she does.

But, she is quite a giver when she can be... And he thinks she could be great if she just lets him on more... she seems to think women are better for sharing her feelings.

Any of the same for you?

kitty-kat19 · Aug 22, 2007, 05:21 AM

In a lot of ways yes... I push my boyfriend away a lot too... I've never asked to break up... but I too have a tendency to push boudries... in a lot of ways I think its to prove that I'm the only one controlling me... because I'm guessing if her dad drank and roughed her up a lot he was probably a control freak too... sometimes its hard to get use to the idea that you're not walking on egg shells... idk... I don't understand the letting another woman join them bit... but I think a lot of it might be that she's trying to see how much its going to take to make your friend run... like everyone else... its one of those to good to be true so she's trying to sabatoge it so it won't hurt as bad

Ash123 · Aug 22, 2007, 08:32 AM

She took on graduate school and kids and added an aerobics instructor class and told him her time would be very limited... then, said she was still dealing with marriage gone bad - but she divorced her husband 2 years ago! (and he had checked out of the marriage YEARS - had a GF even - prior... )
I said if he was in love he better make it clear he needed... something...

kitty-kat19 · Aug 22, 2007, 03:07 PM

Well as for the marrige thing it just from observation its always really hard if you have kids because you still have to see that person on a regular basis... and of course its probably still hard... I'd imagine it would be anyway... I don't really know... but he does need to explain to her how he feels... but in a sensitive way...

Ash123 · Aug 22, 2007, 04:24 PM

He is concerened that she can never be happy... and will just try to make herself happy with taking on more and seeing him less... tough one... he cares, but her past is probably still a factor even though it was over 30 years ago.

kitty-kat19 · Aug 22, 2007, 07:26 PM

She probably will for a while... but after a while... she'll burn out... and realize what she's got right in front of her... it might take a while... but she willl... and her past will probably always be a factor in any type of relationship she's in... just hopefully she'll find someone who can understand her... I think that that would help more than anything... if she talked to someone who knows exactly what she's going through... and can tell her from experience that what she's doing filling her time with all these things pushing the guy that loves her away holding so tight to the past... isnt healthy... and where she's going to end up before she gets there... she might be more willing to try...